Some things demand to be felt

I was listening to the lyrics of "Wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus (an acoustic cover on youtube by another artist). The lyrics permeated me. "I never meant to start a war. I just wanted you to let me in" ...it hurts so bad to have to walk away from people who once made us feel amazing. It hurts to accept the fact that our expectations fell short. It hurts less when we realize we are merely disappointed that we have yet to find the one we expected them to live up to. This fictitious love in our minds that holds every lover accountable as it checks the list to see if they measure up.

I recently read a post about people who become cold because of heartbreak. They shut themselves off emotionally to avoid being vulnerable. The problem is that they aren't shut off emotionally. They still feel but they've learned to hide it. Not everyone is as successful at hiding it as others. Some people play on this vulnerability. We live in a selfish world. I don't understand why some people feed their demons with the hearts of people they manipulate and deceive. All I know is that I have been broken more times than I can count yet I keep going back for more.

I once smiled and flirted fearlessly without any strategy or hidden motive. There was a time where I didn't think past tomorrow I simply danced the night away enjoying the few hours before sunrise as if they were my last. There was a time when I fell hard and fast but I showed  it. I said what came to my mind straight from the heart and I fought for what I wanted. I didn't accept no for an answer. I knew what I wanted and I didn't care how I got it within reason. I don't know how to live fearlessly when everything inside of me is gun shy now. I try to "play the game" and abide by the rules but where is it getting me? Yes I'm always positive and yes I even know what advice to give to myself but damn can't we just be human for a moment and accept the fact that sometimes we get tired. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I ache inside of my chest simply because a memory floods my mind and I would give anything to feel it again. The thing about heartbreak is that is demands to be felt.

I don't ask for much. I hear so often how I'm such a good woman and I'm asked how I'm single. The truth is I'm selective and I won't apologize for having standards and boundaries at this stage in my life. I wasted so much time with the wrong men. I'm simply tired and emotionally drained. Its ok to want those moments of feeling like a teenager again. Its ok to miss someones face the instant they leave. Its ok to crave someones touch. It's ok to need to be kissed. Its ok to want to be spun around the dance floor as if no one is watching. It's ok to want all these amazing things I've felt in my life at some point. It's ok to collectively miss all the moments where love were like a drug to me. Its normal to crave it again. I don't have to reassure myself that I will feel it again because I will many times. The problem is that I fear its departure before I ever give it a chance to take flight and I don't know how to jump without fear anymore. At times I have no choice and others I'm afraid I may sabotage on purpose.

I typically conclude my posts with some positive connotation but today I have nothing. I'm simply stating the truth and revealing my fears. You feel them too or you have felt them. I don't have to always have the answers. Sometimes its ok to not know why I feel a certain way. Today is just one of those days.

Guarding my Heart

The words of my last post have marinated my mind since I read them. I am forced to look at who I really am. I am reluctant to open those wounds. There are doors I have locked away for the sake of survival. I do not nor will I ever live as a victim. I think sometimes without realizing it we simply numb our wounds and move along so that we don't even have time to feel the pain. The problem with not properly dressing them is that they leave lasting scars. With every fingertip tracing it across my skin I am reminded of it's story. With every footstep across my heart I am blinded by it's existence. I have no choice but to open those wounds so that I may explain.

As a baby my mother gave me to her parents for adoption. She said she wasn't stable and they could provide a better home to me. They did. I am thankful but once I became a mother it weighed on me. I could never walk away from my children. I would do whatever it took to take responsibility and provide them with a safe and loving home just as I have done. I wondered why I wasn't enough or how she could walk away from me.  I want you to read these words again before I go on:

“how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?

why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?

if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?

all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?

and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?

where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?

where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 

When I read this I sobbed. I have spent my entire life trying to prove that I am worthy of acceptance and love to those who seemingly didn't give it to me. I became obsessed with just those people until I made them see who I really was. This was so unhealthy yet I never realized I was doing just that until now. I even blogged about my fear of "Not being enough". I dated and married men who I had to change for and work for to be what they wanted. I was never enough yet I thought that by making them love me that somehow I could prove to myself that I was worthy. Those that freely extended their affections didn't interest me because surely it was easy to be loved by desperate people. These ideas in my mind poisoned me and I have been living my life chasing after unattainable people seeking this validation. I was abused in so many ways by people who were supposed to love and protect me. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves scars that cannot go untreated. I simply moved on as if they never happened and chalked it up to strength.  I have confidence and standards yet I long for love and this is detected whether I think I am hiding it or not. 
It wasn't until I broke free of that abuse and discovered that I matter. I found my self worth. I know what I deserve. I know who I am. I have established boundaries and standards in my life and will not allow anyone to treat me badly.  The problem is that I have not broken the desire that I find in unattainable or emotionally unavailable men. I am still so drawn to these men HOWEVER I now refuse to be mistreated therefore my entire love life has been one failure after another. That is why I have not been in a relationship since my divorce. There have been men offering everything I'm looking for yet that "chemistry" isn't there for me. Could it be that this "chemistry" is that hidden desire to have one of these clearly unattainable men fall for me? I'm not saying it is. I'm simply saying that I attract impossible men like a moth to a flame or they attract me....hence the burn. 
Last night and this morning I gave this God. I prayed and I let go of the stronghold in my life. It is not up to me to identify this problem in my life. I simply have to give it to God and have faith that he will restore me and guide me in the future to not make the same mistakes again. Life is about growing and learning. Unfortunately most of these things are obtained through painful circumstances.  As men have rejected me for physical reasons or simply because they only wanted sex I had began to feel like I was not worthy of real love. I had began to think that I was not enough. I have watched these men get into meaningful relationships right after leading me on and letting me down and I allowed Satan to whisper "See you weren't good enough", "See your mother left you, your husband left you for another woman, you have no one because something is wrong with you" ....As strong as I thought I was and as together as I know I am somehow his lies seeped in and subconsciously broke me down. That ends TODAY. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am enough. I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I still refuse to settle but I do know that I cant make a home out of a person and I can't ever allow anyone's perception of me to alter who I really am. I don't have to fear love. I don't have to fear failure. Most importantly just because someone doesn't see my worth doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I hide it in my heart along with my faith, grace and an overabundance of love to share. I will guard my heart in the future!
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

A paralyzingly self discovery

That moment you read something and feel as if it were written about you. How could anyone on earth possibly know this intimate detail of my mind? I have to read more. I have to research this author and the book. The truth in these words are the daily struggle of my soul. The war rages between these two daily and it is torment that I bare alone

What about right now?

Why do we hide our scars? Why do we cover them with dense smiles and shallow pleasantries? Why do we lie awake at night recounting everything we could've done differently and planning for things that may never happen? It seems like our lives are so caught up in the turmoil of our past and declarations for our future that we forget about the present. Are we actually living our lives? Are we pausing to look around us and take in those moments for what they are? It seems we spend our days planning for tomorrow and trying to correct the mistakes of the day before. Could it be this is where happiness is truly found?

You know how easy it is to overlook something when you're looking for it? People say you'll find it when you stop looking. Well maybe we should stop spending our day rehashing the past or worrying about the future. Maybe we should wake up everyday and commit to living it as if it were our last. It could very well be our last. We are never promised tomorrow. If we could only apply that same faithfulness to other areas of our life. We expect to wake up in the morning. When we sit down for dinner we expect the chair to hold us. When we climb out of bed we expect the floor to be there beneath our feet as we stand. Why can we not expect favor and blessing tomorrow? Why can we not expect tomorrow to be the day we meet the love of our life or finally get that breakthrough we have been praying for?

Some people will argue that those things are constant and never failing. They're backed by logic and science. How often have you overslept the next morning?  How often have you sat on furniture that was broken and it gave with you? How often have you lost your balance when you stood up and fell? These are just occasional mishaps you say? You're exactly right yet you still hang on to the faith in these things. Life is the same way so you have no excuse. We get knocked down. We hurt. We are wronged. We wrong others. We make mistakes. We move on. We grow. We learn. Therefore enjoy today for everything it brings because tomorrow will bring an agenda all of its own.

 This is why I wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why I share who I am. I put myself out there because I want to be remembered for who I am. I am that southern girl full of gumption who knew to feel great love you have to risk it all. You can play on the safe side if you wish but you're just surviving you aren't really living. I've been taking chances lately and I've been knocked down almost every time but it makes me stronger. I could focus on negative and claim that I can't trust anyone. I could shut people out because of deception. I could keep my thoughts to myself. I would never feel butterflies. I would never wake up with hope of a phone call. I would never lose sleep just to text for hours. I would never dance in the kitchen because I'm smitten. I would never learn things about people that I may never have know otherwise. I may never feel the sting of a broken heart just to feel it heal again. I am living my life. Maybe we could all find what we are looking for if we stop hiding those scars and let someone love us.

Do you get me? Really Get me?

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a certain place and time? Sometimes you hear a melody and feelings engulf you as if you were transported back in time. Music can be so powerful like that. I apply certain songs to everything going on in my life whether happy or sad. We are always amazed when we hear lyrics that seem to have been written as if the artist were inside of our heads. This lets me know that what I am feeling or whatever it is that I'm going through doesn't mean life has singled me out. It lets us know that somewhere someone gets it. Someone gets who you are and what you're feeling right now.

Have you ever met someone who really gets you? I mean really GETS YOU! You both seem to share the same thoughts, philosophies, fears, experiences, and passions. It becomes intoxicating. You want to share everything with one another because you feel as if you have found yourself within someone else. It's these relationships that tattoo our hearts forever. It's these people we never forget because everything about us is a reminder of who they are and what you once had. I've met several people in my lifetime who I have really connected with on a deep level. That intoxication is what we crave when it comes to finding love. It is that chemistry and magnetism that drives us.

When we lose these people it feels like we lose half of ourselves. I am emotionally healthy enough to know better but nonetheless it is how it "feels". I know everybody's got their demons and everybody's runs for different reasons. Sometimes when the euphoria settles and reality hits us we are faced with the person who not only "gets us" but "mirrors us" and sometimes this is enough to scare the hell out of you. Maybe the reason we once invested everything into someone else was because we were trying so hard to escape ourselves. Maybe we seek understanding from someone so desperately because we couldn't understand ourselves.

Passionate love like this is a drug and there is no doubt about that. Infatuation is addictive and we never find sobriety from it. We can't hide from it and we can't avoid it forever because when love is looking for you it will hunt you down. You can run all you want because you know that the detox is painful. Heartache is absolutely a helpless feeling that demands to be felt. The key is to recognize this and understand that it doesn't last forever. It may leave scars that last forever but they're reminders of what we learned or took from that love. The harder you love the harder it hurts when its over but we find ourselves each time we see ourselves through another's eyes. We take from others the things that we love about them. The reason we often find it hard to let go and move on after heartache is because we are so afraid that we will never feel that happy again. I am not immune to heartache. God knows I love hard and I break easy. I have however learned that in order to feel this passion you have to take risks. I have learned that pain is temporary but the wisdom it brings makes it worth it in the end. I have learned that it gets easier each time.

With all this being said I do have nights that I cry into my pillow because I miss certain things about certain people. Sometimes I feel a sadness sweep over me when I think about how I have been treated when I've always given all of me. Sometimes I get angry that I have this gumption and a heart that just won't quit. I then realize that I have felt things and loved in ways that some people spend their entire lives trying to feel. I gamble because I know that the very emotion that breaks your heart is the very emotion that can heal it.  I also think too deeply to ever live a life that is shallow and void of emotions. You see I've  found beauty in the breaking therefore I don't live my life avoiding the pain...I've embraced love & heartache individually. They're both inevitable and necessary for growth and happiness. I hope that somewhere someone out there is reading this and thinking...she is in my head right now. Thanks for inviting me in ...I get you.

Preferences do not mean Shallow

As I have been really focusing on my fitness and weight loss goals lately I notice the rants that overweight people constantly impose on others. You've heard them..."Big is beautiful and if he can't like me for how I am then I don't need him"..."She's shallow because she doesn't like big guys"..."Hes a jerk because he rejected me because of my weight"! This is not ok people! Think about your personal standards and preferences when it comes to dating. You may not like a man with facial hair. You may not like a woman who has no curves. You may be a bigger girl who doesn't like bigger men YET you expect them to want you because why??? BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT CATCH! The fact is no one is less of a person because of their dating preferences and what they find attractive. I am proactive with my weight loss and it bothers me to hear people glorify their unhealthy weight because its easier than trying to do something about it and also because they're trying to convince themselves they don't care. When you don't care about something you don't typically even mention it now do you?

Don't get me wrong I'm not hating on big people. I can however voice my opinion on the matter because it's relative to me. I don't knock people for having a preference because if attraction is not there then it just isnt. You can know a person would be amazing to you but if the idea of them touching you makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit then it ain't happening. You can go around calling people shallow all you want to but you wouldn't invest in a house that is run down. You wouldn't buy a car that is an eye sore to you. If someone upgraded the house and made repairs then you would look at what's on the inside. If someone restored that car then you would check it out. Its the same concept people.

I have standards and most of them are personality and character traits however I'm attracted to certain types of men. Those men may or may not find me attractive because of my figure. I am not losing weight to find love but let me say it is a motivator. I will have more options if I restore and invest in myself. I myself am proof that being bigger isn't a sign of laziness and being a slob because I carry myself well and have had alot of attractive men interested in me. I don't have low self esteem but I want to be the best I can be. Why be any less?  We go to school to educate ourselves to the highest standard. We strive to excel in our professions. We are constantly seeking to succeed in life. In order to do that it requires work and sacrifice You can do anything you are willing to work for.

Your priority may not be to invest in yourself and lose weight. You may be more comfortable sitting on your bottom and playing the victim. You can blame whoever or whatever for your weight but only you cant change it. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve simply because I don't want to put the work in to get there. I intend to work hard and transform into a better me. I smile at the prospects this will bring into my life and if you want to say that's shallow then so be it but we all like what we like and we don't like what we don't. If you're ok with overweight then great because I would love to meet a man who meets my standards and finds me attractive exactly how I am because he will support my transformation but if I don't meet anyone in the meantime then so be it. I know that God has more in store for me and I will continue to push myself and exceed expectations to glorify him.

See ya in the gym!

What if you fly?

I couldn't sleep last night. Lying in the dark staring at the ceiling with that same old feeling inside. It's a feeling that I can't explain. Its indescribable but I will try. It's almost a weary feeling with no real source of reasoning. It tries to capture my mind yet it fears me at the same time. I feel it yet I don't give it life. I have no reason to be weary. I tried to reflect on some difficult feelings to try and force a good cry so that I purge the feelings and move on. That didn't even work because I've reached such a state of strength that I can't even find comfort in the sadness that once welcomed me anytime I came running. I wondered if it was possible to be both content and sad at the same time.

The one thing that does get to me from time to time is the fear that my standards are unrealistic. What if I have placed my heart on such a pedestal that my requirements to have her are unattainable and men simply move on without trying? I've tasted it though. Life has taunted me with the type of love I seek. I know it exists. As each day passes I tell myself that I'm ok alone. I really am but I've known the euphoria of love and my heart craves it. Now with all this being said I can't deny the fact that I have many options. There are good men who I know will love me unconditionally and worship the ground that I walk on. These men have all the qualities I seek except physical attraction, passion and chemistry. I'm not shallow but there has to be physical attraction. This leaves me with the resolve that I have cared for people who simply could not find me attractive as well. It doesn't mean I'm not enough or that I'm not a good woman. Its just incompatibility.

You know something else I realized is that timing is a huge issue. As I mentioned before I've met great men who simply aren't looking for love right now. Someday they will and I've even had some reach out to me after they realized they were ready. Me and my stubborn pride refuses to accept that though. If you let me go then you made it clear I wasn't needed at the time and I refuse to be anyone's option. If you really realize that you made a mistake then you will fight for a second chance. You will work at it and earn my trust again. You will not accept my rejection and walk away. That is lazy and you prove that you aren't willing to work at it. You see everything I do has a purpose. I have a reason in my head. All you have to do is care enough to figure out why. All you have to do is peel back my layers and grab me every time I try to run. If you care then sometimes you have to realize that people have been wounded. People have defenses. You have to meet them where they are and give them security that you aren't like the rest. Your efforts prove that you want it and that you're worthy. I'm not asking you to be a doormat for anyone. I'm saying to try and put yourself where they are. It's ok to be vulnerable. If you step outside of your comfort zone they may be willing to step outside of theirs and meet in the middle.

It's rare moments that you meet the one you are destined for. You may only have that one window of opportunity and the only way you will lose them is if you give up trying. If you quit on them you'll never know. They may have quit on themselves but there the 2 of you are. It's not ideal and it may even be difficult but when you know in your gut that there is something special about them you plant your feet and start working. You can't use the same cliche line "If its meant to be it will" or "set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be". You are gambling with fate. If its meant to be then you'll make it happen. Everyone wants to be loved as much as they have once loved. Imagine the time in your life where you loved harder than you ever have before but it fell apart. Imagine the pain you felt. Everyone has felt that before. Everyone has battle scars. We all deal differently. We all heal differently. Sometimes people don't heal until they have a band-aid in the form of someone else. Its simply up to you to determine if they're worth it. You're afraid to jump because you're scared you'll fall.... but what if you fly?

LOVE STYLES

So I have noticed a pattern that Im typically drawn into intriguing conversations with pragmatic men. I have said this on more than one occasion. Im currently researching why this could be happening. Im not sure what exactly it is that lures me other than the intrigue we both seem to share. It's almost an intense combative yet passionate force that is undeniable. The problem is that pragmatic men are often non emotive and my emotional needs will suffer so a healthy relationship is just not ideal in this situation. I decided to take the test for which love style I identify with the most. I told someone before I took this test that I seem to identify with all of them and as you can see my predictions were right. I will agree with main love style being Eros as I am a hopeless romantic.  I do believe I have pin pointed the reason so many men call me an ENIGMA. I offer just a little bit of it all in one and I'm not easy to read. This definitely explains the allure and the pursuit because men love a challenge but it seems that my attraction is ill fated on the one type of man who will always leave me feeling a bit empty. There you have it...I am drawn to impossible men. Whether it is because I've always had to work and seemingly prove myself worthy of love or have I always had to exhaust these efforts because of my personal desire to make this one type of man love me. For the first time in my life I actually understand the perplexed feeling of figuring me out that men have tried to do for so long.

96% Eros, 43% Ludus, 25% Storge, 32% Pragma, 38% Mania, 61% Agape

At various times, everyone takes on different aspects of each of the love styles. No one is just one style or another. However, we each have styles that we may tend towards more than the others.

Eros 96%

The Eros lover is characterized by passion, though a passion broader than just a physical one. The Eros lover tends to be drawn toward a preferred physical type, and thus there may be an immediate recognition or "aha" when meeting a potential love partner. This lover is intense and wants to be involved with a partner on all levels, becoming physically affectionate (and intimate), talking for hours, and learning all about the partner. The Eros lover is fully and openly "present," is self-confident and trusting, and balances intensity with an appropriate sense of boundaries.

Erotic lovers view marriage as an extended honeymoon, and sex as the ultimate aesthetic experience. They tend to address their lovers with pet names, such as "sweetheart" or "honey." An erotic lover can be perceived as a hopeless romantic. Those of other love styles may see erotic lovers as unrealistic, or trapped in a fantasy.

The advantage of erotic love is the sentimentality of it. It is very relaxing to the person doing it. The disadvantage is the inevitableness of the decay in attraction, and the danger of living in a fantasy world. In its extreme, eros can resemble naivete.

Ludus 43%

The Ludus lover, in contrast, is not interested in intensity, but rather experiences love as a game to be played for mutual enjoyment but not necessarily with any serious outcome in mind. Ludic lovers do not have a preferred physical type. Although ludic lovers may be in a partnered relationship with someone, ludic love is best played with several partners at a time, so that different people may be enjoyed for different qualities, in different activities, with no one person or relationship taking precedence over another. A ludic lover may hurt a partner inadvertently, but the goal is to enjoy relationships with a variety of people, with everyone having fun and no one getting hurt.

Ludic lovers are players. More interested in quantity than quality of relationships, ludic lovers want to have as much fun as possible. Ludic lovers choose their partners by playing the field, and quickly recover from break-ups.

Ludic lovers generally view marriage as a trap, and are the most likely of the love styles to commit infidelity. They might view children as a sign of fertility, or, if male, a confirmation of their masculinity. They regard Sex as a conquest or a sport, and they engage in relationships because they see them as a challenge.

The advantage of ludic love is excellent sexual technique. The disadvantage is the likelihood of infidelity. In its extreme form, ludic love becomes promiscuity.

Storge 25%

The Storge lover is someone who builds a love relationship on a strong base of friendship. The goal is: A companionable, secure, trusting relationship with a partner who is similar in terms of attitudes and values. This similarity is much more important to Storge than physical appearance or sexual satisfaction because this orientation to love is more likely to seek long-term commitment rather than short-term excitement. (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 65)

Storgic lovers are friends first. Storgic love develops gradually out of friendship, and the friendship can endure beyond the breakup of the relationship. Storgic lovers choose their mates based on homogamy, and sometimes cannot pinpoint the moment that friendship turned to love. Storgic lovers want their significant others to also be their best friends.

Storgic lovers place much importance on commitment, and find their motivation to avoid committing infidelity is to preserve the trust between the partners. Children and marriage are seen as legitimate forms of their bond. Sex is of lesser importance than in some of the other love styles.

The advantage of storgic love is the level of intimacy between the partners. The disadvantage is boredom and lack of passion.

Pragma 32%

The Pragma lover is all that the name implies, including practical and pragmatic. A Pragma lover may or may not have a preferred physical type, but he or she will surely have a virtual (or actual) shopping list of qualities sought in a partner. This type of lover may profit from working with a matchmaker or a computer dating service, in which inappropriate relationship candidates will be screened out. "The pragmatic lover isn't looking for great excitement and drama, but, rather, for a suitable partner with whom a satisfying, rewarding life can be built" (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 66).

Pragmatic lovers are practical. Pragmatic lovers think rationally and realistically about their expectations in a partner, and select them via comparison shopping or shopping-list love. Pragmatic lovers want to find value in their partners, and ultimately want to work with their partner to reach a common goal.

Pragmatic lovers will avoid infidelity to avoid adverse consequences, and carefully weigh the costs and rewards of a relationship. Pragmatic lovers view sex as a reward or a means of procreation, and view marriage and children as potential liabilities and assets.

The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is undemonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution.

Mania 38%

The Mania lover is also aptly characterized by the love style name, in that emotional highs and lows, as well as dependence, possessiveness, jealousy, and insecurity are typically present. A manic lover yearns for a love relationship but finds it elusive, because she or he seems compelled to push for commitment from a partner, does not really trust the commitment even if it is forthcoming, and is always afraid that the partner will find someone else. Another aspect of Mania is physical symptoms, such as difficulty eating or sleeping. Overall, the Mania lover always seems to be looking for the cloud around the silver lining.

Manic lovers often have low self esteem, and place much importance on their relationship. Manic lovers speak of their partners in possessives and superlatives, and feel they "need" their partners. Love is a means of rescue, or a reinforcement of value. Manic lovers often discover their partners by haphazard means.

Manic lovers will avoid committing infidelity if they fear discovery. They view marriage as ownership, and children as either competition or a substitute for their lover. Sex is a reassurance of love. Manic lovers are often anxious or insecure, and can be extremely jealous. Manic lovers respond well to therapy, and often grow out of this style.

The advantage of manic love is intensity. The disadvantage is jealousy, obsessiveness, and insatiability. In its extreme, mania becomes addiction or codependency.

Agape 61%

The Agape lover is the rarest type of lover. Agape is characterized by altruism, such that the partner's welfare is more important than one's own welfare, and what one can give in a relationship is more important than what one gets. Indeed, Agape has much in common with compassionate love. The idealism of Agape means that there is no one preferred physical type in a partner, and indeed, sensuality and sexuality are likely to be much less important than more spiritual qualities. Although pure Agape is unlikely to exist on the physical plane of this world, agapic qualities are extremely important as relationships encounter inevitable ups and downs.

Agapic love is self-sacrificing, all-encompassing love. Agapic lovers are often spiritual or religious people. Agapic lovers view their partners as blessings, and wish to take care of them.

Agapic lovers will remain faithful to their partners to avoid causing them pain, and will often wait patiently for their partners after a break-up. Marriage and children are sacred trusts, and sex is a gift between two people. Agapic love believes itself to be unconditional, though lovers taking an agapic stance to relationships risk suffering from inattention to their own needs.

The advantage of agapic love is its generosity. A disadvantage is that it can induce feelings of guilt or incompetence in a partner. In its deviant form, agape becomes martyrdom

INDIFFERENCE

“Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.” -Kahlil Gibran

I was watching Hunger Games:Catching Fire yesterday and there was a scene where INDIFFERENCE was mentioned. The word sort of reached out and grabbed my shoulders. It stared into my eyes beckoning me to ironically acknowledge its true definition. I really pondered on it. Actually I lost sleep pondering the depth of its meaning. INDIFFERENCE. When you read the word what do you think of? Apathy? Impassivity? Dispassion?

When I think of indifference I think of torment. I've blogged about discovering my deep rooted desire to feel as if I am "ENOUGH". We all desire to be recognized, heard, even understood at least. Indifference doesn't allow this. Indifference knows our every secret. Indifference knows the deep desires of our hearts and mocks us. Indifference will torment the strongest of men. We have all met someone at some point in our lives that somehow touch us in a way that we are rendered helpless. Reciprocation of these feelings is ideal. We can stretch out our arms and free fall into the empty space we call infatuation. Its euphoric. Sometimes feelings are not reciprocated and we feel the sting of rejection. We tuck our tails and we walk away wondering why they couldn't see the perfection you foresee together. If we are lucky they will shed light on a reason whether it be the truth or a white lie to save our feelings we somehow have an understanding. It makes the rejection pill easier to swallow. Some say this rejection is the most painful of all. Sometimes the feelings are reciprocated and you both fall in love and one or the other changes their mind. Rejection is always an option at any given time. Some people claim this fear and risk is the most painful of all. I disagree. I find that indifference is the most painful feeling of all.

You see indifference takes on the form of "mixed signals", "leading someone on", "someone just settling for you", and "making you an option rather than a priority".  We feel like feelings have been reciprocated and we give it everything we've got. We are letting our guards down and opening up. We give our heart away to this person. When the dust settles in the euphoric paradise of our minds we start to notice that the other person doesn't quite look at us the same. We start to notice that they don't text or call unless we reach out first. We start to wonder if we are "bothering" this person. We start to over analyze and over think situations trying to figure out what we are doing wrong if anything. We ache to know what's going on in their head. We lie awake wondering if they are lying there thinking of us. We play out the scenarios and come up with answers "maybe they are just busy" or  "maybe they are just introverted and don't share their feelings openly". We begin to wonder if we possibly like this person more than they like us. We begin to wonder if we misread the entire situation to begin with.

When we begin to feel this way its possible that we read into situations completely wrong. We begin to create problems in our minds that may not even exist. This can cause us to respond to the other person in a negative way or we can simply push them away with our insecurities. Yes. I said INSECURITIES. Now let me clarify I didn't say we are INSECURE. The situation alone has left us insecure. We are insecure because the other person has not given us the security of knowing where we stand. They have not shared with us what they think about us and the situation as a whole and where or if they see it progressing. This is why communication is essential. When we ride the fence and refuse to acknowledge another person we are being INDIFFERENT. We are tormenting their mind. There is a battlefield of endless emotions going on in their head and we stand on the sidelines instead of clearing the minefield.

INDIFFERENCE is probably most often not on purpose. If someone shares feelings with you whether you are shy, introverted, scared, feeling the same or not feeling the same way it is imperative that you express how you feel. You can write it in a letter, send a text, call, speak to them, or whatever means necessary but INDIFFERENCE is cruelty. Indifference is saying its not that I don't love you or hate you ....YOU SIMPLY HAVE NO MEANING TO ME WHATSOEVER. YOU BASICALLY ONLY EXIST BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF PRESENT IN MY LIFE IN SOME FORM. We all know if there are people in our lives who genuinely care for us in some way. We assume that being friendly is enough because nothing has ever been discussed. It would be kind to clarify those situations. If you think you only want to be a friend to someone then make it tactfully clear. They may be lying awake night after night hoping you will turn your head and see them waiting patiently for you to simply acknowledge them. This will allow them the opportunity to deal with that rejection and move on. Sometimes people wait because they place you above all others. I vow to never purposely be INDIFFERENT. I will tell people how I feel about them. I will take chances. I will risk my heart fearlessly. I will love with all of my being. I will learn. I will grow. I will live life with no regrets. I will not grow old knowing there were chances I never took. I will grow old knowing that I held no one's heart captive due to INDIFFERENCE.

Remembering Last Spring

The weather in Mississippi is about as fickle as a southern woman. One day we may be in flip flops and the next school is cancelled due to snow. Well the warm weather returned yesterday and it was nice. I was driving and had my windows down and my radio up as usual. A familiar song came on my iTunes playlist. "Dayum Baby" by Florida Georgia line. Any other time I may have skipped it because I wore that entire CD out last spring. Ah ha! Last spring. This is why I'm smiling. It's crazy how a song can take you back to a moment. This time it was extra nice because the weather was the same as well. I remember feeling so free last spring. I wore my sundresses and flip flops with big glasses and blasting FGL through the speakers as I drove down backroads smiling and singing. Spring always brings happiness doesn't it? It always welcomes us like vikings out of the gloomy and dark winter as if we were just returning home from this cold and dreary place. Spring will always feel this way. Spring will also be a reminder of the pain I experienced last year. 

As Easter approaches I think of Jesus dying for our sins and his burial in the tomb. After three days he rose again and the tomb was empty. He loved us so much that he died for us to be free. There is no greater love than a man who lays down his life. I don't talk about my soldier who was killed very often. People don't understand. They don't get it. We met online. How could I possibly fall for someone online? It doesn't matter what they think. Maybe I fell for the idea of him. Obviously I didn't know him all that well because after his death I found out he had been married the entire time. I have no answers to questions. I have no closure except the closure I've given myself. In spite of his circumstances or need to talk to me I still fell for who he said he was. I fell for something and it was taken away. I'm allowed to grieve that. It's ok to be broken over that. It's ok to feel pain because I was deceived and left to pick up the pieces alone. The truth is whether he died or lived he didn't belong to me. I faced that alone. I have a friend who is a marine vet and he shows me tough love. I need it. When I have my moments he says "Get over it. The man was a sorry cheater. He led you on and cheated on his wife." This is hard to swallow when someone is dead but at the same time its necessary to move on. I still can't listen to certain songs about soldiers not coming home. I still hurt when I see movies that are related. Part of me admits that I have tried to seemingly replace him in the past. 

People ask why I seem to date more servicemen than other men. Its not complicated. Its just that most of the ones I date have the traits and personality I'm looking for. They have structure and discipline. They are respectable. They make me proud to support them. They are manly and they are charming. They also slightly intimidate me. They take control and lead me. We all know gender roles is my soap box. Well servicemen tend to think the same way I do about the man taking the lead role in a relationship. They are fearless and they protect me. I've spent my entire life loving men who could care less what happens to me on a daily basis. I gave those men everything I had inside of me and they let me down. I want to feel safe emotionally and physically. Just as I mentioned earlier there is no greater love than a man who lays down his life for his friends. If there is any man on earth worth respect it is a serviceman who fearlessly protects not only those he loves but strangers who take it for granted. This is why I tend to date servicemen. I've finally reached a place in my life where I am happy and the things of my past are simply stories of triumph. They are learning tools and lessons learned. So as spring tip toes in around me,I welcome the new growth. I am searching for a new job and I know that love is in my future. I live daily with hope and expectancy. 

Leaving a Legacy

I've had several men who I've talked to over the past year reach out to me that apparently still read my blog.  They've all responded the same or even seemingly mocked me for writing. They say I seem to have too much time on my hands. The truth is each post may take 5 minutes of my time but I think deeply all of the time. Its just who I am. I am a passionate person. I'm aware there are people who rarely look past the exterior of others and their own circumstances. I don't judge you for your lack of depth but there is something you feel passionate about whether that be a hobby, a person, your job, or a sport. Try to relate to others on some level. The saddest people in life are those who don't feel passionate towards anything. I don't claim to know everything. I'm simply sharing my thoughts and philosophies as I go through things. I smile when I say that out loud. I have come such a long way that fear is nearly non existent in my life. Sure it sneaks up and grabs me but I don't let it hold me back. I live my life and I risk my heart because I know that its better to feel seconds of love even if its followed by a lifetime of pain. Its those few seconds of love that give you a reason to try again. That feeling gives you hope. I seem to always butt heads with pragmatic people when we debate my conquests vs. theirs. Recently I was talking with a friend and he suggested that I make my conquests sequential based on goals in life. He said that I remove love from any of those conquests and see where life takes me. He thinks that I'm not living my life maybe because I'm not scaling the side of a cliff or pursuing million dollar business opportunities. This is who pragmatic people are. I am not like you therefore my happiness is not dependent on meeting goals in life. That doesn't mean I don't have them. It means that I feel I was put here to live and to love. I simply want to share these things through my blog because I know people have followed from the very beginning. When I do meet the man of my dreams and we begin our life I will then put all of my relationship theories to test and continue to blog. My hopes are the people will read and relate and know that its possible to overcome. Its also necessary to risk in order to gain wisdom. No one can ever really fail unless they give up trying. Now if I ever have too much time on my hands that I can't share my thoughts with others then I need to re-evaluate my life because as I said I was put here to live and to love. I share because I want to leave behind a legacy. I want people to know that I have this over flowing fountain of love inside of me that I don't mind sharing even if that leaves me with scars. I also have to say that you may think I've been hurt alot but every last man who has taught me a lesson has reached back out to me with an apology and admission of guilt. So you tell me who lost the most in those situations. I may be easy to walk away from for whatever reason but I'm impossible to forget and I'm ok with that.

The Hunt

I had another epiphany. I was looking at a picture of a hunter and it dawned on me that men are natural hunters. They have these natural instincts of hunting and being competitive. Some men hunt to eat while others hunt for sport but there's a little bit of both in each. I realized that once I look at the nature of men in a general sense then it would be easy to understand how these things coincide with dating. Men fall in love in phases. 

Phase 1- Physical Attraction: He sees you and he likes what he sees.

Phase 2- Scouting: Men can be attracted (see phase 1) to many women but they will respond to those who reciprocate that interest. Men have no emotional connection to you at this point. He simply wants to know if he pursues that there may be a response from you. If you show no interest he will simply move on to the next woman that he is attracted to.

Phase 3- The Chase: This is when the man knows you welcome his advances and he begins to move directly into Phase 4. 

Phase 4- Impression: This is when the man wants to impress you. He is showing you how worthy he is through dates, gifts, flowers, and wooing you with pretty words. This is when we begin to develop feelings but the man is far from that even though he is doing all of these things. Remember he is still just attracted and this is a challenge for him. He doesn't have you just yet. Hes working towards winning you over.

Phase 5- Making You Love him:  This is the utmost achievement for the man. He wants to know he has made you fall for him. Everything up to this point is simply to prove to you that he is the right man for you.  This is where things get a little complicated because he was either not being 100% himself but rather what he knew you wanted or he never wondered if you're right for him since his main conquest up until this point was to impress you based on his initial attraction. Now he starts to really evaluate things and decide if you are what he wants long term, how he feels about you, will he be happy with you, what does he want. A man can simply walk away at this point for any reason he comes up with in his mind that tells him you aren't quite the one or because he thinks he may be able to do better. He will either allow himself to fall at this point or he will become distant and walk away.

Now this is the cold hard truth! Its just how men are designed. This is the reason why I got so caught up in men before and believed all the things they said only to have them seemingly change their mind and walk away with no explanation or used the cliche lines "I'm scared" or "I'm just not ready". Its all BS because the fact is I didn't wow them enough or I didn't have something they were looking for. Once they reached the satisfaction of the pursuit they moved on. All the time we've spent over analyzing those situations and wondering what we did wrong is pointless. Men seek a challenge. This is why it is important to know who you are as a woman and what you want. Keep your options open and stay busy. If men are after you then you have options and a man wants to win over the heart of that woman. This is the competitive nature in him. 

Its hard to keep the allure and chase going as a woman when you really feel a connection with a man. You want him to know but the truth is you can't reveal everything right away. You have to keep him wanting more every time. You must be yourself but this is why it is important to set boundaries and rules. This is also why it is important to move slowly. If you peak too soon with a man then what does he have to work for?  If you're easy to catch then he may think he can do better. Know your worth and be confident. Just because a man chooses to walk away after he's evaluated the situation doesn't mean you are the problem. You may know you're perfect together but you can't convince a man and the more you try the more he will resist and it is a turn off I can assure you. You simple accept it with grace and move on afterall you are a woman with options. 

Wounds turn into Wisdom

 

 

 

Wisdom is gained through age and life experiences but it can also increase if we apply a little effort. We are wise to the things that once challenged us and we are aware of our limitations over time.  As my life has progressed over the years my priorities have changed and my expectations have become realistic.

When we start off as children we dream. We long to be everything we envision in our minds. We are fickle and full of gumption. For some of us dreaming never ceases. It is simply the dreams that change. The most important thing in life to hold on to is hope. Hope is the fuel that keeps us driving and picking up passengers along the way. Those passengers manifest into wisdom. We also become passengers and teach as much as we learn.

 Life is a series of choices. One choice after the other from the most minute detail to the life changing moments when we decide our own fate. Over time we experience grief and pain that can leave us jaded in one way or another. We cannot allow fear to control us. We can however use the wisdom we acquired from those tragedies to set boundaries and rules in place to protect our feelings or to minimize our risk.

Over the course of a lifetime we also experience a lot of joy and love. These experiences create euphoric memories that we will never forget.  Often enough we are afraid to let our guards down and love due to failed relationships in the past. While these euphoric feelings are so amazing we often remember the pain of them going away and many simply do not want to risk it. It is important to realize that without risk there is no gain.

 It is important to open up to people and share our lives with one another. If we do this we will often find that everyone has a story to share.  Everyone has a bit of wisdom and life experience as well as a completely difference perspective on relatable circumstances. Strength comes in numbers and in love. Do not let fear hold you back. If you are not living then you are not gaining wisdom. You are dying within yourself and you are selfishly denying the world of a beautiful soul.