Total Pageviews

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Some things demand to be felt

I was listening to the lyrics of "Wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus (an acoustic cover on youtube by another artist). The lyrics permeated me. "I never meant to start a war. I just wanted you to let me in" hurts so bad to have to walk away from people who once made us feel amazing. It hurts to accept the fact that our expectations fell short. It hurts less when we realize we are merely disappointed that we have yet to find the one we expected them to live up to. This fictitious love in our minds that holds every lover accountable as it checks the list to see if they measure up.

I recently read a post about people who become cold because of heartbreak. They shut themselves off emotionally to avoid being vulnerable. The problem is that they aren't shut off emotionally. They still feel but they've learned to hide it. Not everyone is as successful at hiding it as others. Some people play on this vulnerability. We live in a selfish world. I don't understand why some people feed their demons with the hearts of people they manipulate and deceive. All I know is that I have been broken more times than I can count yet I keep going back for more.

I once smiled and flirted fearlessly without any strategy or hidden motive. There was a time where I didn't think past tomorrow I simply danced the night away enjoying the few hours before sunrise as if they were my last. There was a time when I fell hard and fast but I showed  it. I said what came to my mind straight from the heart and I fought for what I wanted. I didn't accept no for an answer. I knew what I wanted and I didn't care how I got it within reason. I don't know how to live fearlessly when everything inside of me is gun shy now. I try to "play the game" and abide by the rules but where is it getting me? Yes I'm always positive and yes I even know what advice to give to myself but damn can't we just be human for a moment and accept the fact that sometimes we get tired. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I ache inside of my chest simply because a memory floods my mind and I would give anything to feel it again. The thing about heartbreak is that is demands to be felt.

I don't ask for much. I hear so often how I'm such a good woman and I'm asked how I'm single. The truth is I'm selective and I won't apologize for having standards and boundaries at this stage in my life. I wasted so much time with the wrong men. I'm simply tired and emotionally drained. Its ok to want those moments of feeling like a teenager again. Its ok to miss someones face the instant they leave. Its ok to crave someones touch. It's ok to need to be kissed. Its ok to want to be spun around the dance floor as if no one is watching. It's ok to want all these amazing things I've felt in my life at some point. It's ok to collectively miss all the moments where love were like a drug to me. Its normal to crave it again. I don't have to reassure myself that I will feel it again because I will many times. The problem is that I fear its departure before I ever give it a chance to take flight and I don't know how to jump without fear anymore. At times I have no choice and others I'm afraid I may sabotage on purpose.

I typically conclude my posts with some positive connotation but today I have nothing. I'm simply stating the truth and revealing my fears. You feel them too or you have felt them. I don't have to always have the answers. Sometimes its ok to not know why I feel a certain way. Today is just one of those days.

Monday, October 27, 2014

He knows my name

I love this song! In spite of a world hell bent on conforming me to what it thinks I should be I know who I am and I am chosen! He designed me from nothing. I have a purpose. I am loved. I love. I am covered in grace and extend it to others! Amen!

I'm not meant to just stay quiet. I'm meant to be a lion. I'll roar beyond a song with every moment that I've got!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Guarding my Heart

The words of my last post have marinated my mind since I read them. I am forced to look at who I really am. I am reluctant to open those wounds. There are doors I have locked away for the sake of survival. I do not nor will I ever live as a victim. I think sometimes without realizing it we simply numb our wounds and move along so that we don't even have time to feel the pain. The problem with not properly dressing them is that they leave lasting scars. With every fingertip tracing it across my skin I am reminded of it's story. With every footstep across my heart I am blinded by it's existence. I have no choice but to open those wounds so that I may explain.

As a baby my mother gave me to her parents for adoption. She said she wasn't stable and they could provide a better home to me. They did. I am thankful but once I became a mother it weighed on me. I could never walk away from my children. I would do whatever it took to take responsibility and provide them with a safe and loving home just as I have done. I wondered why I wasn't enough or how she could walk away from me.  I want you to read these words again before I go on:

“how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 

When I read this I sobbed. I have spent my entire life trying to prove that I am worthy of acceptance and love to those who seemingly didn't give it to me. I became obsessed with just those people until I made them see who I really was. This was so unhealthy yet I never realized I was doing just that until now. I even blogged about my fear of "Not being enough". I dated and married men who I had to change for and work for to be what they wanted. I was never enough yet I thought that by making them love me that somehow I could prove to myself that I was worthy. Those that freely extended their affections didn't interest me because surely it was easy to be loved by desperate people. These ideas in my mind poisoned me and I have been living my life chasing after unattainable people seeking this validation. I was abused in so many ways by people who were supposed to love and protect me. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves scars that cannot go untreated. I simply moved on as if they never happened and chalked it up to strength.  I have confidence and standards yet I long for love and this is detected whether I think I am hiding it or not. 
It wasn't until I broke free of that abuse and discovered that I matter. I found my self worth. I know what I deserve. I know who I am. I have established boundaries and standards in my life and will not allow anyone to treat me badly.  The problem is that I have not broken the desire that I find in unattainable or emotionally unavailable men. I am still so drawn to these men HOWEVER I now refuse to be mistreated therefore my entire love life has been one failure after another. That is why I have not been in a relationship since my divorce. There have been men offering everything I'm looking for yet that "chemistry" isn't there for me. Could it be that this "chemistry" is that hidden desire to have one of these clearly unattainable men fall for me? I'm not saying it is. I'm simply saying that I attract impossible men like a moth to a flame or they attract me....hence the burn. 
Last night and this morning I gave this God. I prayed and I let go of the stronghold in my life. It is not up to me to identify this problem in my life. I simply have to give it to God and have faith that he will restore me and guide me in the future to not make the same mistakes again. Life is about growing and learning. Unfortunately most of these things are obtained through painful circumstances.  As men have rejected me for physical reasons or simply because they only wanted sex I had began to feel like I was not worthy of real love. I had began to think that I was not enough. I have watched these men get into meaningful relationships right after leading me on and letting me down and I allowed Satan to whisper "See you weren't good enough", "See your mother left you, your husband left you for another woman, you have no one because something is wrong with you" ....As strong as I thought I was and as together as I know I am somehow his lies seeped in and subconsciously broke me down. That ends TODAY. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am enough. I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I still refuse to settle but I do know that I cant make a home out of a person and I can't ever allow anyone's perception of me to alter who I really am. I don't have to fear love. I don't have to fear failure. Most importantly just because someone doesn't see my worth doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I hide it in my heart along with my faith, grace and an overabundance of love to share. I will guard my heart in the future!
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

Friday, October 24, 2014

A paralyzingly self discovery

That moment you read something and feel as if it were written about you. How could anyone on earth possibly know this intimate detail of my mind? I have to read more. I have to research this author and the book. The truth in these words are the daily struggle of my soul. The war rages between these two daily and it is torment that I bare alone

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

What about right now?

Why do we hide our scars? Why do we cover them with dense smiles and shallow pleasantries? Why do we lie awake at night recounting everything we could've done differently and planning for things that may never happen? It seems like our lives are so caught up in the turmoil of our past and declarations for our future that we forget about the present. Are we actually living our lives? Are we pausing to look around us and take in those moments for what they are? It seems we spend our days planning for tomorrow and trying to correct the mistakes of the day before. Could it be this is where happiness is truly found?

You know how easy it is to overlook something when you're looking for it? People say you'll find it when you stop looking. Well maybe we should stop spending our day rehashing the past or worrying about the future. Maybe we should wake up everyday and commit to living it as if it were our last. It could very well be our last. We are never promised tomorrow. If we could only apply that same faithfulness to other areas of our life. We expect to wake up in the morning. When we sit down for dinner we expect the chair to hold us. When we climb out of bed we expect the floor to be there beneath our feet as we stand. Why can we not expect favor and blessing tomorrow? Why can we not expect tomorrow to be the day we meet the love of our life or finally get that breakthrough we have been praying for?

Some people will argue that those things are constant and never failing. They're backed by logic and science. How often have you overslept the next morning?  How often have you sat on furniture that was broken and it gave with you? How often have you lost your balance when you stood up and fell? These are just occasional mishaps you say? You're exactly right yet you still hang on to the faith in these things. Life is the same way so you have no excuse. We get knocked down. We hurt. We are wronged. We wrong others. We make mistakes. We move on. We grow. We learn. Therefore enjoy today for everything it brings because tomorrow will bring an agenda all of its own.

 This is why I wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why I share who I am. I put myself out there because I want to be remembered for who I am. I am that southern girl full of gumption who knew to feel great love you have to risk it all. You can play on the safe side if you wish but you're just surviving you aren't really living. I've been taking chances lately and I've been knocked down almost every time but it makes me stronger. I could focus on negative and claim that I can't trust anyone. I could shut people out because of deception. I could keep my thoughts to myself. I would never feel butterflies. I would never wake up with hope of a phone call. I would never lose sleep just to text for hours. I would never dance in the kitchen because I'm smitten. I would never learn things about people that I may never have know otherwise. I may never feel the sting of a broken heart just to feel it heal again. I am living my life. Maybe we could all find what we are looking for if we stop hiding those scars and let someone love us.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Do you get me? Really Get me?

Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a certain place and time? Sometimes you hear a melody and feelings engulf you as if you were transported back in time. Music can be so powerful like that. I apply certain songs to everything going on in my life whether happy or sad. We are always amazed when we hear lyrics that seem to have been written as if the artist were inside of our heads. This lets me know that what I am feeling or whatever it is that I'm going through doesn't mean life has singled me out. It lets us know that somewhere someone gets it. Someone gets who you are and what you're feeling right now.

Have you ever met someone who really gets you? I mean really GETS YOU! You both seem to share the same thoughts, philosophies, fears, experiences, and passions. It becomes intoxicating. You want to share everything with one another because you feel as if you have found yourself within someone else. It's these relationships that tattoo our hearts forever. It's these people we never forget because everything about us is a reminder of who they are and what you once had. I've met several people in my lifetime who I have really connected with on a deep level. That intoxication is what we crave when it comes to finding love. It is that chemistry and magnetism that drives us.

When we lose these people it feels like we lose half of ourselves. I am emotionally healthy enough to know better but nonetheless it is how it "feels". I know everybody's got their demons and everybody's runs for different reasons. Sometimes when the euphoria settles and reality hits us we are faced with the person who not only "gets us" but "mirrors us" and sometimes this is enough to scare the hell out of you. Maybe the reason we once invested everything into someone else was because we were trying so hard to escape ourselves. Maybe we seek understanding from someone so desperately because we couldn't understand ourselves.

Passionate love like this is a drug and there is no doubt about that. Infatuation is addictive and we never find sobriety from it. We can't hide from it and we can't avoid it forever because when love is looking for you it will hunt you down. You can run all you want because you know that the detox is painful. Heartache is absolutely a helpless feeling that demands to be felt. The key is to recognize this and understand that it doesn't last forever. It may leave scars that last forever but they're reminders of what we learned or took from that love. The harder you love the harder it hurts when its over but we find ourselves each time we see ourselves through another's eyes. We take from others the things that we love about them. The reason we often find it hard to let go and move on after heartache is because we are so afraid that we will never feel that happy again. I am not immune to heartache. God knows I love hard and I break easy. I have however learned that in order to feel this passion you have to take risks. I have learned that pain is temporary but the wisdom it brings makes it worth it in the end. I have learned that it gets easier each time.

With all this being said I do have nights that I cry into my pillow because I miss certain things about certain people. Sometimes I feel a sadness sweep over me when I think about how I have been treated when I've always given all of me. Sometimes I get angry that I have this gumption and a heart that just won't quit. I then realize that I have felt things and loved in ways that some people spend their entire lives trying to feel. I gamble because I know that the very emotion that breaks your heart is the very emotion that can heal it.  I also think too deeply to ever live a life that is shallow and void of emotions. You see I've  found beauty in the breaking therefore I don't live my life avoiding the pain...I've embraced love & heartache individually. They're both inevitable and necessary for growth and happiness. I hope that somewhere someone out there is reading this and thinking...she is in my head right now. Thanks for inviting me in ...I get you.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My Beloved

Tonight my heart blogs. Tonight it is not the voice of reason that I am giving to you. It is simply the contradicting, flawed, restless, woman inside who just needs to speak. I have all these standards, boundaries, and rules that I require myself to abide by but sometimes I want to throw caution to the wind and take chances. Sometimes I want to be the girl who isn't afraid. I don't want to say that I'm jaded but am I? Has life burned me so that I'm playing it safe now? The passionate heart that I have cannot find what it longs for by staying on the sidewalk yet I am so afraid of repeating mistakes that I keep her there.

I am so afraid to risk my heart that I make it seem impossible that anyone could ever truly obtain it. I intimidate men when really I just want someone to see that I only want to trade it with someone who's going to hold on to it forever. I want to know that even when I'm difficult and hard to love that he will never stop. I want to know that he will choose me daily. I want to know that I never have to fear his words or his touch in anger. I want to know that when he hears my name it isn't Ashley but home that resonates in his mind. I want to know when he sees my face that he falls in love all over again day after day. I want to know that I will always get to him with just a look from across the room. I want to study his movements and the way he walks. I want to hear his voice and seek his face as effortlessly as a reflex. I want to know that his arms are the place I can hide from the world. I want to know that when he is near nothing or no one can hurt me. I want to close my eyes and feel how small my hands are against his as we dance in the kitchen to music we can only hear in our hearts yet we both know the melody.

When I sit beneath the running water in the shower crying because I just need to let go I wonder if you feel me somehow. I wonder as I hug my knees close to me and let the drain carry my tears away do you somehow feel this sadness that you can't explain. I wonder sometimes if my unexplained blues are connected to you feeling the exact way. I know that as soon as I post this I will walk back to my bedroom and climb in bed and close my eyes but I wont fall asleep right away. I will think of you and where you are right now. One day I will look in your eyes and you will read these words and know that I was thinking of you all this time. I was praying for you daily. I was asking God to watch over you and bless you with favor and grace as I will always extend to you. As you walk through this life maybe you aren't looking for me yet. Maybe you're happy being alone right now. Maybe that is why we haven't met. Maybe we have met and one or the other simply was not ready at the time. Maybe we know each other but neither one of us has even considered the other as a possibility.

No matter where you are or what you are doing just know that we will know when the time is right. Until then I will continue to live my life with expectancy of your arrival.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Preferences do not mean Shallow

As I have been really focusing on my fitness and weight loss goals lately I notice the rants that overweight people constantly impose on others. You've heard them..."Big is beautiful and if he can't like me for how I am then I don't need him"..."She's shallow because she doesn't like big guys"..."Hes a jerk because he rejected me because of my weight"! This is not ok people! Think about your personal standards and preferences when it comes to dating. You may not like a man with facial hair. You may not like a woman who has no curves. You may be a bigger girl who doesn't like bigger men YET you expect them to want you because why??? BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT CATCH! The fact is no one is less of a person because of their dating preferences and what they find attractive. I am proactive with my weight loss and it bothers me to hear people glorify their unhealthy weight because its easier than trying to do something about it and also because they're trying to convince themselves they don't care. When you don't care about something you don't typically even mention it now do you?

Don't get me wrong I'm not hating on big people. I can however voice my opinion on the matter because it's relative to me. I don't knock people for having a preference because if attraction is not there then it just isnt. You can know a person would be amazing to you but if the idea of them touching you makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit then it ain't happening. You can go around calling people shallow all you want to but you wouldn't invest in a house that is run down. You wouldn't buy a car that is an eye sore to you. If someone upgraded the house and made repairs then you would look at what's on the inside. If someone restored that car then you would check it out. Its the same concept people.

I have standards and most of them are personality and character traits however I'm attracted to certain types of men. Those men may or may not find me attractive because of my figure. I am not losing weight to find love but let me say it is a motivator. I will have more options if I restore and invest in myself. I myself am proof that being bigger isn't a sign of laziness and being a slob because I carry myself well and have had alot of attractive men interested in me. I don't have low self esteem but I want to be the best I can be. Why be any less?  We go to school to educate ourselves to the highest standard. We strive to excel in our professions. We are constantly seeking to succeed in life. In order to do that it requires work and sacrifice You can do anything you are willing to work for.

Your priority may not be to invest in yourself and lose weight. You may be more comfortable sitting on your bottom and playing the victim. You can blame whoever or whatever for your weight but only you cant change it. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve simply because I don't want to put the work in to get there. I intend to work hard and transform into a better me. I smile at the prospects this will bring into my life and if you want to say that's shallow then so be it but we all like what we like and we don't like what we don't. If you're ok with overweight then great because I would love to meet a man who meets my standards and finds me attractive exactly how I am because he will support my transformation but if I don't meet anyone in the meantime then so be it. I know that God has more in store for me and I will continue to push myself and exceed expectations to glorify him.

See ya in the gym!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Guarding My Heart

Well I would love to post about how I'm enjoying the companionship of my boyfriend and how wonderful things are going but I can't. I let it go. I'm not happy about it. To be quite honest I'm hurt. The thing is I loved that elation and the things he told me. He was everything I was looking for but when he got distant then it left me wondering what I did wrong or what he didn't see in me. He says he only wanted to slow down and when he cancelled this weekend for family plans then I just deflated. I know things happen but with everything else it just made my heart sink. I feel like if I was what I should be to him then he wouldn't want to slow things down. He would just take a chance because his heart just couldn't stand being away from me. I want that kind of love. I want to be enough. I want to be worth the effort. I want to be worth the risk.

I know who I am and what I can offer to someone. I've met men who feel the same way but I just wasn't feeling it and although I knew they would be amazing men to me I just couldn't so I backed off. I relate to this situation the same way. I can't help but think its the same circumstances. Maybe I'm jaded but I have boundaries. I will say it again I CONTROL HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME AND HOW I FEEL BY WHAT I ALLOW AND DISALLOW. He may have whatever reason for backing off but it made me feel sad and I have to think about my happiness as well. I spent over 10 years sacrificing my happiness to meet the needs of someone who could care less about mine and I will never make that mistake again.

I have moments where I just break down and cry because I thought maybe I would finally have someone to call mine and enjoy a relationship.  I like him and those feelings don't just go away. I realize though that I have come so far emotionally. I recognize how I should be treated and how things should be handled and if they aren't then that won't change. If I tell someone how they make me feel and they don't change then they don't care or they simply aren't capable of being what I need. I can stick around if I'm willing to sacrifice but if my needs aren't met then why prolong the inevitable? Love...especially in the beginning should be euphoric and exciting and hopeful. It shouldn't make you have anxiety and fear that it could slip away at anytime. That person should always make you feel secure about how they feel about you and your place in their life. You should never fight for a place in someone's life. If they want you there you will be.

I can't lie. I keep hoping he will realize what he had and tell me that I'm enough for him but is it him or just love in general? I would rather hold out for the love I need and deserve than settle for less.  Obviously I'm not everything he's been looking for or he wouldn't let me go...therefore he can't be what I've been looking for because he isn't willing to fight for me and try. He says I'm the one who gave up and maybe I did but he made me feel so special then just made me feel like damaged goods that he has to consider. I'm not perfect. I am who I am but I will be perfect for the right person. I know to judge people by their actions and not their words. I know to keep my guard up until I really know who a person is but I slipped this time. I took a chance and love knocked me down. I don't regret it. I felt amazing for a while. You don't grow by just having takes rain too. I've learned something from this situation. I've learned that I'm stronger than I realized. I also learned that there are men out there with the qualities I'm seeking. I just have wait for the one who's seeking the qualities I possess. He will love me in spite of my imperfections and he will prove to me that I am enough and I am worth it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


You know it's funny that I've blogged all about my philosophies regarding relationships, gender roles, gender habits, and life lessons. I've researched and I know there is truth to alot of it. The funny thing is when its in your face you forget all logic. Love can be so blinding! I blogged about meeting a great guy and really feeling the potential there. While there is still potential he definitely hit the brakes. I found myself wondering what I did wrong. I racked my brain trying to figure out how he went from intense pursuit to distancing himself. That is when I came to my senses and remembered how men pursue...

The blog post was called "THE HUNTER". It was about the stages men fall in love (or opt out). Men pursue hard core at first. They say anything and everything to make you interested and you feel elated at the charm raining down on you! I was smiling so much my face hurt. It was intense really fast and logically we were just excited at the possibility and the connection we felt. That's ok though. It was sweet and it was fun. After they "catch you" then they feel satisfied at their accomplishment and they relax a little. They take a step back and evaluate things. This is when they really decide if they want you. Up until this point it was simply to make sure you wanted them. Once I realized this is how things are then I took a step back and relaxed myself. I know what's going on. He has to decide whether or not he wants me in his life and if I'm a good fit for him. We all have needs and desires. I know that we are compatible from my standards but he has to determine whether or not I am according to his. He doesn't have children and he wants them. He is afraid that I may not be able to give him any more. I have assured him I can but he has to come to this acceptance. He is worried about how his life will be changed by dating a woman with 2 little boys. He has to ease into this slowly and feel comfortable. The last thing I want is a man in my life who loves me but not my children so I am giving him space to feel his way around this.

At first I was disheartened. I met someone amazing and he can choose to walk away at anytime. He can decide that I'm not worth the effort. He can opt for an easier mate. He can choose a younger woman with no children and be happy with her. The fact is that is a risk with anyone. At any time we can give our heart and open our lives up to someone and they can reject us. I know who I am and what I have to offer someone. If he opts to walk away then of course my heart will break but I will be ok. I am emotionally healthy and stable. I am who I am and I love my life. I want to share it with someone who is emotionally available and willing to love not only me but my children unconditionally.

I have put this in God's hands. I started a 14 day prayer guide for MY FUTURE HUSBAND whoever he may be. I am praying daily for him and I am studying God's word. While I was emotional one night and crying I prayed for peace. That is when I saw this scripture. God not only revealed it to me but as I shared it on social media the responses were actually affirmations that God intended for me to read it and focus on it. I love when he speaks to me.
She is clothed with strength and dignity
She laughs without fear of the future
Proverbs 31:25

 I love when he pours out his love and mercy onto me. Just as that charm of a prospective love rained down on me so does God's grace! I pray that he is the one who will CHOOSE my boys and I. I pray that he is the one that will CHOOSE to love me in spite of the effort. I pray that he will CHOOSE to be the man we need in our lives. I pray this because I would CHOOSE to be the woman who supports him as the leader of our home. I would CHOOSE to love him as a Godly woman is supposed to love, honor, and obey her husband. If he is not the one for me that only means there is a man out there looking for us who is even more amazing and right now I can't even imagine that because I think this one is pretty special. I hold on to my faith that God will bless me with a man that I deserve and right now I am claiming that I have found him because I live my life with expectancy. It is better to live with hope and expect great things than to worry...I will laugh and be joyful WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


So the moment we have all been waiting for...I met a guy! I'm sure if you've always followed me you know that I haven't shared something like this before in this context anyway. Granted it's in the infancy stage but I really have a feeling about this one. Obviously I have a feeling or I wouldn't dare jump the gun and put it out here. I don't want to look like a fool and when I've met people before something always told me to wait before I dropped my guard completely or expected it to go anywhere. This time I've tossed caution to the wind. I refuse to over think. I refuse to analyze. I refuse to worry about tomorrow. I'm living for today. I'm choosing to put my hope in this. I'm choosing to trust him in spite of the past. I'm choosing to drop my guard and open up to him. I'm choosing to give 100% of myself with no expectancy of him doing the same. I'm risking my heart because I think he's worth it. I'm taking a chance on love because I have always said you have to risk it all to gain something great. I'm choosing him.

This is what love is all about. It isn't just about the infatuation...those butterflies and elation we feel. It isn't just about romance and passion. It isn't about dates and gifts. It isn't just about late night phone calls and sweet text messages. Love is a choice when these things start to become routine or rare. It's saying I love you in spite of. It's saying I will never stop choosing you. It's acknowledging the fact that as humans our life is a constant series of choices one after the other setting forth reactions and circumstances. We may any day choose to walk away but we refuse to give up on love. We vow to choose this person when this person may not be so lovable. We choose this person when doubt ourselves and don't want to be loved. Walking away is never an option. That is love. Life isn't easy. We know that is an understatement but we all need someone to lessen the load. A shared burden is lighter. We all need a cheerleader to support us and push us to do our best. We all need someone to laugh with and talk with. We all need someone that we can run to when the world tears us apart and their arms make the wold disappear. When we think our dreams and goals are impossible we all need someone showing us that nothing is impossible. This is what I will always be to the ones I love and this is all I pray that I will have in return.

 I have prayed for a certain kind of love my entire life and I have always settled for less than that until now. I've stayed single because I refused to accept less than I deserve. I refused to be treated less than I deserve to be treated. I've met a man who holds every quality I've been praying for. He isn't perfect because none of us are but he seems to be perfect for me and that's all that matters. I've been praying since we met. I've prayed for him and I've asked God to really show me who he is. I have gotten nothing short of a resolve in my heart that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now and he is exactly who I think he is. I am choosing to give him my heart because I have faith that God has brought this man into my life to restore my faith in true love. Everything is so new and to some maybe we are "jumping the gun" so to speak but I think this is how it feels when we just blindly love as we should. This is how it feels to just let go and enjoy it for what it is. Who wrote these rules about time frames, acceptable expectations, and what/when/how/where we can feel what it is that we feel? I don't care about other's opinions of this. I simply want to bathe in its beauty and enjoy it. I've waited so long to feel this way and I'm not about to let it pass me by. If I get my heart broken then I'm well aware that it will heal. You see its often the same emotion that once broke your heart that heals it.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

What if you fly?

I couldn't sleep last night. Lying in the dark staring at the ceiling with that same old feeling inside. It's a feeling that I can't explain. Its indescribable but I will try. It's almost a weary feeling with no real source of reasoning. It tries to capture my mind yet it fears me at the same time. I feel it yet I don't give it life. I have no reason to be weary. I tried to reflect on some difficult feelings to try and force a good cry so that I purge the feelings and move on. That didn't even work because I've reached such a state of strength that I can't even find comfort in the sadness that once welcomed me anytime I came running. I wondered if it was possible to be both content and sad at the same time.

The one thing that does get to me from time to time is the fear that my standards are unrealistic. What if I have placed my heart on such a pedestal that my requirements to have her are unattainable and men simply move on without trying? I've tasted it though. Life has taunted me with the type of love I seek. I know it exists. As each day passes I tell myself that I'm ok alone. I really am but I've known the euphoria of love and my heart craves it. Now with all this being said I can't deny the fact that I have many options. There are good men who I know will love me unconditionally and worship the ground that I walk on. These men have all the qualities I seek except physical attraction, passion and chemistry. I'm not shallow but there has to be physical attraction. This leaves me with the resolve that I have cared for people who simply could not find me attractive as well. It doesn't mean I'm not enough or that I'm not a good woman. Its just incompatibility.

You know something else I realized is that timing is a huge issue. As I mentioned before I've met great men who simply aren't looking for love right now. Someday they will and I've even had some reach out to me after they realized they were ready. Me and my stubborn pride refuses to accept that though. If you let me go then you made it clear I wasn't needed at the time and I refuse to be anyone's option. If you really realize that you made a mistake then you will fight for a second chance. You will work at it and earn my trust again. You will not accept my rejection and walk away. That is lazy and you prove that you aren't willing to work at it. You see everything I do has a purpose. I have a reason in my head. All you have to do is care enough to figure out why. All you have to do is peel back my layers and grab me every time I try to run. If you care then sometimes you have to realize that people have been wounded. People have defenses. You have to meet them where they are and give them security that you aren't like the rest. Your efforts prove that you want it and that you're worthy. I'm not asking you to be a doormat for anyone. I'm saying to try and put yourself where they are. It's ok to be vulnerable. If you step outside of your comfort zone they may be willing to step outside of theirs and meet in the middle.

It's rare moments that you meet the one you are destined for. You may only have that one window of opportunity and the only way you will lose them is if you give up trying. If you quit on them you'll never know. They may have quit on themselves but there the 2 of you are. It's not ideal and it may even be difficult but when you know in your gut that there is something special about them you plant your feet and start working. You can't use the same cliche line "If its meant to be it will" or "set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be". You are gambling with fate. If its meant to be then you'll make it happen. Everyone wants to be loved as much as they have once loved. Imagine the time in your life where you loved harder than you ever have before but it fell apart. Imagine the pain you felt. Everyone has felt that before. Everyone has battle scars. We all deal differently. We all heal differently. Sometimes people don't heal until they have a band-aid in the form of someone else. Its simply up to you to determine if they're worth it. You're afraid to jump because you're scared you'll fall.... but what if you fly?

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Contentment is Captured

Well hello there. It's been a while since I've posted. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. It isn't because life isn't tossing me in a thousand different directions. I've simply been standing in the eye of the storm just taking it in. I planted my feet and looked up at the storm raging around me and smiled. I closed my eyes and felt the sting of the rain against my face. I was knocked down by debris but I stood back up. I have reached contentment. As storms raged all around me I held on to my hope and faith that I am never alone.

I have always said that God doesn't promise us that we won't go through things. He promises he will be with us as we do. We have to overcome to gain wisdom. If I give up I will become stagnant. This redundant message is my personal motivation. It is what drives me. I know that it is important to constantly grow. It is important to face your fears because fear is what holds you back. We are in a constant battle with good and evil. Evil only wins when all hope is lost.

Since my last post my stance on solitary contentment has strengthened. I am ok alone. I am happy. This has been a major milestone emotionally. It empowers me to stand firm when my boundaries are compromised and people attack my standards. I expect someone to rise and meet my standards. I will not lower mine to settle for less that I know I need and deserve.

I won't give life to the troubles that surrounded me because they are irrelevant. I don't have to discuss them in detail because I refuse to acknowledge them. They do not define nor control who I am or how I feel. I am in control of that. Looking back over my posts since I began writing I realize the growth in that statement. I have come so far from who I was. I try not to reflect on my past and revisit them. I feel that once I've felt the pain and moved on that it would be self destructive to take myself back there emotionally. I do miss a few key people who came into my life and challenged me in ways that forever changed me. I miss talking to them and I miss the passion in our conversations. I miss the tears we shed for one another. I miss the fights and the laughter. I miss the thought provoking situation we found ourselves in. It's those people and those moments that I live for. It's so bitter sweet now. I realize I have outgrown some of those people and it would be detrimental to reach out to them again. I won't feel bad for progressing and I can't allow myself to be pulled back. I know they still read this blog and they will know who they are. I hope they know that they aren't forgotten. They're monuments along this highway of life I travel. They're memories. They're blessings. They matter.

I shouldn't have waited so long to post. I have so many topics and thoughts to share that they're flooding my mind at once and I'm overwhelmed with things I want to say but each post I write has a purpose and a message so I will save them to post over the next few days. I plan to start writing again as I did in the beginning. I have missed my outlet and sharing with you.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Your opinion doesn't define Me

So I haven't written in a while. I'm not sure why. I thought about it every day and maybe part of me didn't want to stop and ponder life for a while. I've been getting to know people and going on awkward first dates that amount to nothing. I typically find some reason why they just aren't quite right for me. I've encountered a bitter and abusive man who felt the need to break me down with his personal analogy of me and why I am alone. He based all of this of the general conversations we have had about life. These conversations were more like debates actually. Well he caught me in a rare moment of weakness with a cruel text and just broke me down for a moment. I was beside myself. I quickly jumped on the "victim bus" and drove it to town! For a second there I seemed to lose who I had worked so hard to find again in myself. It rocked me but I regained my composure and decided that he and I could no longer be "chat buddies" because he is poison. Maybe it was a little masochist in me cheering to keep him around but I shut her down too!  I will only keep positive people in my life for this very reason. I will say it again....You are in control of how others treat you by what you allow, disallow and reinforce!

I can honestly admit that I'm discouraged with the whole dating scene lately. People say just relax when the right one comes along you will know. I sort of want to kick them in the shin and say "I KNOW" but I just smile and nod. The reason is I'm not searching. I'm on social media sites so men are constantly reaching out to me and I reply to the ones who seem interesting. If there is a mutual interest after some conversation then we agree to meet. I may blog about my love life and my conquest of finding "The One" but believe me when I say it isn't top priority. I work and I take care of my sweet boys. I have friends that are involved in my life and I have extended family that I talk to and visit. The options are there for dating and I explore some of them but there are so many that you don't hear about simply because I choose not to pursue it.

Now don't get me wrong I feel no requirement to explain myself or my life to anyone but because I blog and my blog has been focused on this area of my life I feel an obligation to shed light on this fact. The truth is that right now I'm exhausted with the exchange of pleasantries, getting to know someone and then watching it fail due to incompatibility,they simply just disappear, or cross a boundary and force me to walk away. Of course I want someone in my life but I don't just want anyone. I want the right one. If I risk my heart in the process so be it. If you think that is foolish then so be it. You live your life and I will live mine. I may get hurt but I'm not afraid to put myself out there. After all that has been done I still risk it because I know that it doesn't kill me. I gain a little wisdom each time my heart breaks and in the process I experience intrigue, hope, excitement, and infatuation. You don't have to understand me but if you find yourself so enthralled with my gumption that you refer to as stupidity just remember that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I may be rejected from time to time too but I would rather be rejected than accepted for the wrong reasons. You may be safe in your little bubble and you may say that love is not important in your life but not once did I judge you for that. I do however feel sorry for you if LOVE is not the most important thing in your life. Regardless of its nature LOVE is the most important thing in this world.

One doesn't fail until one gives up trying.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Dream Interpretation

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.-Oscar Wilde

Last night I had a dream of visiting a morgue to see the body of someone. I don't remember who it was but there a cop who was assisting me and I remember sitting in the room waiting alone and I was crying and part of me thinks it was my sister. After that I dreamed I was driving across the reservoir and I went over the guard rail into the water.  Just for fun I decided to do a dream interpretation of these.

Dream 1-Interpretation
To dream of police officers represents discipline, intervention, and enforcement of behavior. In your waking life you may feel trying to make changes, resisting bad habits, feel like you are being forced into certain conditions, or even feel like you are facing karma. A police officer usually means you either want to change, or feel you have no choice. Police may also represent your fear of change.
Spiritually, police mean that your life is being controlled or guided in a manner that forces you to think or behave in certain ways to ensure outcomes that teach you a lesson.
To dream of a dead body represents an aspect of your personality or life that has completely changed. It may also reflect a loss or sense of failure. Positively, a dead body may represent negative aspects of your personality or negative situations that have been successfully confronted. You have stood up to something or resisted negative influences.Negatively, a dead body may represent positive aspects of your personality that have been overcome by negative emotions or situations. A mistake or failure may have spoiled an area of your life.

**I do feel this way and I just said last night that lately I feel a fear of commitment and change. Even though I want it I'm scared of failing.

Dream 2-Interpretation
Vehicles in dreams represent your ability to make decisions in a given situation or the extent to which you feel in control of the direction your life is taking.  Operating a vehicle reflects how influential you or some aspect of your personality is as you progress through a situation.
To dream of a car that is sinking in water represents feelings of being overwhelmed by uncertainty as you attempt to take control of a situation. Decision making abilities that are being overpowered by negative emotions or problems that are too big to control.
To dream of a highway represents situations in your life where you are experiencing momentum or progress. A situation is moving along quickly.
If you have an accident, or find yourself driving a vehicle in poor condition it may symbolize problems or emotional issues you are experiencing during fast paced situations. Difficulties or delays you are having while "moving ahead" with something.
To dream of drowning represents feeling totally overwhelmed by emotions, or uncertainty. You may fears, insecurities, guilt, or other negative emotions that are overpowering and dominant. Something is too much for you. Alternatively, you may be too deeply involved in something that is now beyond your control.
To dream of being under water represents waking life situations where you feel overwhelmed by a problem or negative emotions. You may be in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions.

**I also told someone last night that I don't like to be rushed or put on the spot emotionally. I like to figure things out on my own. If I feel forced then I usually run. I don't want to push the wrong people away but at the same time I don't want to feel rushed into something without exploring all possibilities so Im sure of what I want. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


So I have noticed a pattern that Im typically drawn into intriguing conversations with pragmatic men. I have said this on more than one occasion. Im currently researching why this could be happening. Im not sure what exactly it is that lures me other than the intrigue we both seem to share. It's almost an intense combative yet passionate force that is undeniable. The problem is that pragmatic men are often non emotive and my emotional needs will suffer so a healthy relationship is just not ideal in this situation. I decided to take the test for which love style I identify with the most. I told someone before I took this test that I seem to identify with all of them and as you can see my predictions were right. I will agree with main love style being Eros as I am a hopeless romantic.  I do believe I have pin pointed the reason so many men call me an ENIGMA. I offer just a little bit of it all in one and I'm not easy to read. This definitely explains the allure and the pursuit because men love a challenge but it seems that my attraction is ill fated on the one type of man who will always leave me feeling a bit empty. There you have it...I am drawn to impossible men. Whether it is because I've always had to work and seemingly prove myself worthy of love or have I always had to exhaust these efforts because of my personal desire to make this one type of man love me. For the first time in my life I actually understand the perplexed feeling of figuring me out that men have tried to do for so long.

96% Eros, 43% Ludus, 25% Storge, 32% Pragma, 38% Mania, 61% Agape

At various times, everyone takes on different aspects of each of the love styles. No one is just one style or another. However, we each have styles that we may tend towards more than the others.

Eros 96%
The Eros lover is characterized by passion, though a passion broader than just a physical one. The Eros lover tends to be drawn toward a preferred physical type, and thus there may be an immediate recognition or "aha" when meeting a potential love partner. This lover is intense and wants to be involved with a partner on all levels, becoming physically affectionate (and intimate), talking for hours, and learning all about the partner. The Eros lover is fully and openly "present," is self-confident and trusting, and balances intensity with an appropriate sense of boundaries.
Erotic lovers view marriage as an extended honeymoon, and sex as the ultimate aesthetic experience. They tend to address their lovers with pet names, such as "sweetheart" or "honey." An erotic lover can be perceived as a hopeless romantic. Those of other love styles may see erotic lovers as unrealistic, or trapped in a fantasy.
The advantage of erotic love is the sentimentality of it. It is very relaxing to the person doing it. The disadvantage is the inevitableness of the decay in attraction, and the danger of living in a fantasy world. In its extreme, eros can resemble naivete.

Ludus 43%
The Ludus lover, in contrast, is not interested in intensity, but rather experiences love as a game to be played for mutual enjoyment but not necessarily with any serious outcome in mind. Ludic lovers do not have a preferred physical type. Although ludic lovers may be in a partnered relationship with someone, ludic love is best played with several partners at a time, so that different people may be enjoyed for different qualities, in different activities, with no one person or relationship taking precedence over another. A ludic lover may hurt a partner inadvertently, but the goal is to enjoy relationships with a variety of people, with everyone having fun and no one getting hurt.
Ludic lovers are players. More interested in quantity than quality of relationships, ludic lovers want to have as much fun as possible. Ludic lovers choose their partners by playing the field, and quickly recover from break-ups.
Ludic lovers generally view marriage as a trap, and are the most likely of the love styles to commit infidelity. They might view children as a sign of fertility, or, if male, a confirmation of their masculinity. They regard Sex as a conquest or a sport, and they engage in relationships because they see them as a challenge.
The advantage of ludic love is excellent sexual technique. The disadvantage is the likelihood of infidelity. In its extreme form, ludic love becomes promiscuity.

Storge 25%
The Storge lover is someone who builds a love relationship on a strong base of friendship. The goal is: A companionable, secure, trusting relationship with a partner who is similar in terms of attitudes and values. This similarity is much more important to Storge than physical appearance or sexual satisfaction because this orientation to love is more likely to seek long-term commitment rather than short-term excitement. (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 65)
Storgic lovers are friends first. Storgic love develops gradually out of friendship, and the friendship can endure beyond the breakup of the relationship. Storgic lovers choose their mates based on homogamy, and sometimes cannot pinpoint the moment that friendship turned to love. Storgic lovers want their significant others to also be their best friends.
Storgic lovers place much importance on commitment, and find their motivation to avoid committing infidelity is to preserve the trust between the partners. Children and marriage are seen as legitimate forms of their bond. Sex is of lesser importance than in some of the other love styles.
The advantage of storgic love is the level of intimacy between the partners. The disadvantage is boredom and lack of passion.

Pragma 32%
The Pragma lover is all that the name implies, including practical and pragmatic. A Pragma lover may or may not have a preferred physical type, but he or she will surely have a virtual (or actual) shopping list of qualities sought in a partner. This type of lover may profit from working with a matchmaker or a computer dating service, in which inappropriate relationship candidates will be screened out. "The pragmatic lover isn't looking for great excitement and drama, but, rather, for a suitable partner with whom a satisfying, rewarding life can be built" (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 66).
Pragmatic lovers are practical. Pragmatic lovers think rationally and realistically about their expectations in a partner, and select them via comparison shopping or shopping-list love. Pragmatic lovers want to find value in their partners, and ultimately want to work with their partner to reach a common goal.
Pragmatic lovers will avoid infidelity to avoid adverse consequences, and carefully weigh the costs and rewards of a relationship. Pragmatic lovers view sex as a reward or a means of procreation, and view marriage and children as potential liabilities and assets.
The advantage of pragmatic love is practicality and realism. The disadvantage is undemonstrativeness and lack of emotion. In its extreme form, pragma can become prostitution.

Mania 38%
The Mania lover is also aptly characterized by the love style name, in that emotional highs and lows, as well as dependence, possessiveness, jealousy, and insecurity are typically present. A manic lover yearns for a love relationship but finds it elusive, because she or he seems compelled to push for commitment from a partner, does not really trust the commitment even if it is forthcoming, and is always afraid that the partner will find someone else. Another aspect of Mania is physical symptoms, such as difficulty eating or sleeping. Overall, the Mania lover always seems to be looking for the cloud around the silver lining.
Manic lovers often have low self esteem, and place much importance on their relationship. Manic lovers speak of their partners in possessives and superlatives, and feel they "need" their partners. Love is a means of rescue, or a reinforcement of value. Manic lovers often discover their partners by haphazard means.
Manic lovers will avoid committing infidelity if they fear discovery. They view marriage as ownership, and children as either competition or a substitute for their lover. Sex is a reassurance of love. Manic lovers are often anxious or insecure, and can be extremely jealous. Manic lovers respond well to therapy, and often grow out of this style.
The advantage of manic love is intensity. The disadvantage is jealousy, obsessiveness, and insatiability. In its extreme, mania becomes addiction or codependency.

Agape 61%
The Agape lover is the rarest type of lover. Agape is characterized by altruism, such that the partner's welfare is more important than one's own welfare, and what one can give in a relationship is more important than what one gets. Indeed, Agape has much in common with compassionate love. The idealism of Agape means that there is no one preferred physical type in a partner, and indeed, sensuality and sexuality are likely to be much less important than more spiritual qualities. Although pure Agape is unlikely to exist on the physical plane of this world, agapic qualities are extremely important as relationships encounter inevitable ups and downs.
Agapic love is self-sacrificing, all-encompassing love. Agapic lovers are often spiritual or religious people. Agapic lovers view their partners as blessings, and wish to take care of them.
Agapic lovers will remain faithful to their partners to avoid causing them pain, and will often wait patiently for their partners after a break-up. Marriage and children are sacred trusts, and sex is a gift between two people. Agapic love believes itself to be unconditional, though lovers taking an agapic stance to relationships risk suffering from inattention to their own needs.
The advantage of agapic love is its generosity. A disadvantage is that it can induce feelings of guilt or incompetence in a partner. In its deviant form, agape becomes martyrdom

Sunday, March 30, 2014

What a Beautiful Mess my life is

What is it about spring that make people want to be in love? My best friend and I were chatting it up recently about thinking we were on the verge of something then watching it crumble right in front of us. Thankfully we can laugh about it at this point. Its such a beautiful mess. The hope and excitement of something new is always refreshing and I like to think I learn something from everyone I meet and in turn I like to think I'm sowing little seeds of myself in everyone's lives that I encounter.

It's so nice to have that deep rooted joy within myself that I don't just feel like my world is shattered when a relationship fails or circumstances such as getting laid off from my job. I still roll the windows down in my car, crank the radio up and sing my heart out as the sun warms my face. I still sit on my steps with a glass of sweet tea and wiggle my pink toe nails to the beat of red dirt music on a random evening. I still lie back in a tub full of overindulgent bubbles and glass of cheap wine and take in the aroma of jasmine and aloe as it softens my skin. I still turn on my best playlist, raise the windows, light my candles, and dance as I clean this little home that I share with the 2 greatest little blessings of my life. I still sit on my back deck by the fire pit and try to mimic the acoustic guitar instruction videos on YouTube until I get so frustrated I scream and throw my pick into the blueberry bushes. I still enjoy late night phone calls with my best friend as we sarcastically recap our most recent dating disasters and claim for the umpteenth time that we are done with men and vow to swear them off for a while. I still put on the long vintage silk gowns that once belonged to my great grandmother as I curl up in my bed with a good book wearing my hair piled on top of my head and reading glasses. I still twirl every time I put on a dress and pearls as I smile remembering the little ballerina in my jewelry box as a little girl.

You see joy is something you can never really lose. It's all in your perception. There will always be bad things going on and I say redundantly. This world will swallow you whole if you allow it. The thing to remember is there are just as many reasons to smile as there are to cry and its up to you what you focus on. I choose happiness. I choose to keep positive people in my life for this reason. I'm not saying I wont have bad days and random pity parties for myself. I'm simply saying that my joy outweighs those moments of weakness.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Don't give up on me

So after more than a few sleepless nights I, along with a glass of Rose' have decided to write. Well it's no surprise that I wear my heart on my sleeve. We all know that I fall easily once I meet someone possessing the qualities I seek in a partner. I give it all I am. It's who I am. I am the love I want to be in. I only want to feel the same things I extend. You see I've come to realize that we expect the same things from another that we ourselves are willing to offer so if expectations are our disappointments then I'm in a storm of endless pain. I say this because I would willingly give anything for someone I care about but I have yet to meet anyone as selfless as I am on an emotional level. 

This post is the aftermath of my blog post on March 8, 2014 "NEW FLAME". I really thought that this time would be different. After all there was the foundation of friendship established first. There was just a feeling of safety this time. I'm no stranger to long distance relationships. I don't mind them. I believe in quality over convenience. Apparently though he is not a fan of long distance relationships. He decided to opt out because I'm a little over 2 hours away. So there I was picking up pieces of my heart off the floor once again. I have nothing negative to say about this man. He was honest with me and I have to respect that.

I think what honestly hurts the most is that I was so willing to work at it. I was willing to put forth the effort and even let him know that if things progress that I was willing to move. So I naturally lie awake over analyzing the situation thinking to myself maybe he just wasn't feeling it and that was his out. I could come up with many reasons but the fact of the matter is I wasn't enough. I wasn't worth the effort. He didn't care enough to give this a chance. No matter what the reason is that made me inadequate of his affection the simple truth is he didn't feel the same way I did. He gave up on me. He walked away from me. I did everything I could do and it wasn't enough. I cant fault myself for anything in this situation other than not seeing the warning signs ahead of time. All I could see were the qualities he possessed and how they exceeded my standards.

I was so busy wanting him to want me that I didn't take a step back and really look at who he was. He claimed to be closed off from emotion and feeling but I remember him showing me the words he had written for the girl he was in love with. They were very heartfelt and emotional. Still I overlooked that excusing it with the fact that we were just now trying to see where we want this thing to go. On this same issue I know that I like to be adored and told sweet things but he never did this. I was so smothered by all the fake cliche lines and posed affection by creeps in the dating scene that I actually enjoyed the normality of my relationship with him. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is indifferent about me. So had I opened my eyes and accepted these signs that clearly break my #2 dating rule (I will not maintain an unequal relationship) then I would've kept this in the friend zone where it should clearly have remained. I care for him. I enjoy the conversations I share with him. Do I regret any of this? NO. I always say that I jump because I never want to grow old looking back on anything and wondering "What if?". I can easily revert back to a friendship with this man because I am emotionally mature. I have come so far from even last year when I would've cried for weeks and tossed my dignity to the curb and showed a roller coaster of emotion.

Well before I actually drove down to meet him I was getting messages on this social media site from men that I was clearly ignoring because my heart was set. There was one who had a pic with his little boy playing t-ball. As a mother I thought it was cute so I told him it was an adorable pic. He asked what I was doing. I didn't check my messages often so I replied after I was home from my trip. I told him what I had just done and he too is from the coast. He oddly asked me who the guy's name was. Sure enough they were friends. We laughed it off and I told him I would play matchmaker and introduce him to my best friend. Well they didn't quite hit it off but no biggie. He seemed like a good quality guy as well so that only ensured me that the man I was into was accompanied by great people as well. After things went south his friend and I discussed the situation and he lended an ear as a friend. I really appreciated that.

Clearly there was an initial attraction between the 2 of us and the only reason we didn't chat further was because I was seeing where things went between my fireman and I. His friend had integrity and didn't pursue me at all while we were talking. Now however the circumstances have changed and we are left with the question of whether its OK or not. Its an odd situation. Fireman made the decision to walk away. We weren't dating. He decided to let me go. However I understand "Bro Code" so I said just make sure there wont be any issues there and I'm willing to get to know you and see where this goes. We are just chatting and getting to know one another at the moment and he seems nice. HE doesn't mind the distance. HE knows what he's looking for and he has no reservations about complimenting me and trying to relate to me and determine compatibility.

You know its funny how timing works and how everything happens for a reason. This may not turn out to be anything but a dead end but there's a reason we met. I can't lie when I say that my heart still stings a little bit wishing things could have worked out between my fireman and I. I prayed and asked God to show me who he was and what this was and that is when he let me down. I pray for God's will to be done in my life no matter the pain I have to go through to get there. Lessons are learned through struggles and strength is achieved through endurance. Who knows what's ahead for me in my love life? All I know is that I will continue to dust myself off and get right back on the saddle because I will never get to my destination if I stop moving.

Stay tuned...

Monday, March 17, 2014

10 years of Misery

I was told at some point I need to face the things in my life that have caused me pain. I don't want to face them alone so I will take you with me as I recap. Instead of starting with the beginning I will just pick at random. I'm going to talk about my marriage to my ex husband Marc.

We met Thanksgiving night 2003 at a bar. My best friend Morgan had come into town to take me out after I had been sitting at home with my 11mos old son. We went to the bar to watch the egg bowl and have some drinks. I looked up and there was this intoxicated man who grabbed Morgan to dance and she quickly spun him around to me. We ended up chatting at the bar the rest of the night about likes/dislikes. We gave him a ride home and shared a kiss. Well to me he was the most handsome thing ever and I had never been with a man who treated me well so I didn't know what I should accept or not all I knew was I would stop at nothing to win him over. I pursued him and he wasn't very attentive. To be honest he seemed to use me more as an option.

Over the course of 6 months we became exclusive. It was a toxic relationship from the beginning. I had to pretty much babysit him because he was an alcoholic. He would talk so ugly to me but I made excuses for him. He adored Trent. He was really good to him and his family just took up with him as well. He would never show me affection and looking back I don't understand why I accepted it. He would even deny me to his friends and say ugly things behind my back.  I accepted it all until one night he was being ugly and broke up with me just so he could go out and do what he wanted to do. His father pulled me aside and said show him tough love. Let him go and he will come back. I did. This was about 3 years into the relationship. That night he was arrested on DUI charges and sent to prison for 3rd offense DUI. I had been praying and asking God to please help me. I asked that things get better or for him to give me a sign and the strength to walk away. I saw this as my sign.

 I moved on and tried to date a little and enjoyed being single for a while. After a year he was released from prison and he reached out to me and told me that he has decided to remain sober and he strengthened his walk with the Lord while incarcerated. I had lost my obsession with him but I was single and he loved Trent and so did his family. I started thinking maybe this was Gods plan all along to "make things better".  I took it as a sign. Well we discussed getting married shortly after this and we knew that if we wanted children I would need to give my body a break from the birth control I had been on. It takes women a while after long term use of depo to get pregnant. NOT ME! I got pregnant the next month.  Well his father hated me for "abandoning" his son when he needed me the most ...even though he was the one who told me to do so. So we decided to elope in Gulfshores because he was afraid to tell his father. We took Trent and we tied the knot September 5, 2007. Marcus Allen Helms II was born December 27, 2007.

Once our son was born it was like a light switch went off and Marc became the most negative and bitter person I had ever met. He seems to be angry all of the time and I didn't know why. He still never showed affection. He never told me he loved me. He never kissed me. He was very abusive verbally and emotionally to me. He knew he could hurt me further by taking things out on Trenton. Most of our arguments stemmed from this. He spanked him with a belt so hard once he left bruises and I was livid. We lived in the same neighborhood as his father so he would call him over to participate in arguments. They would team up and say hateful things and henpeck me until I would break. It was like entertainment for them. I kept praying and studying the word and going to church. I thought that divorce was saying I didn't have the faith that God could heal my marriage and my husband. I tried to find ways where I could improve and try to make things better.

We would separate and get back together and things may seem ok for about a week but eventually we were both so miserable it was showing physically. Trenton felt like he was walking on eggshells and so did I. I knew that as a mother is was my responsibility to protect my child. My parents began to loathe Marc because he was selfish with his finances and I would have to pay the majority of the bills so he could entertain his bass fishing hobby. The things Marc would say to me to hurt me was beyond comprehension. He would tell me that no one would love me and that not even my parents wanted me. He told me my father had a drug addiction because he had such a POS for a daughter. As I would cry he would get in my face and mock me and push his finger into my head. I would sometimes hide in my closet and cry there so he didn't know. I didn't want to go home everyday. I would find reasons to be away from home as much as possible.

Depression began to form but at the time I didn't realize it was depression. I only wanted to sleep when I was home. I thought it was my body's way of avoiding the abuse. If he wasn't abusing me it was silence and tension. Marc fell off the wagon and started drinking again and that is when started toying with physical abuse mainly shoving or not letting me walk away. There are more details and stories than I can possibly share on here. It could be a blog of its own to be honest. Eventually I realized that I had to make a decision and just face the wrath of God if it was the wrong decision. I hated giving up and walking away from my marriage. I felt like I was telling God he wasn't capable of healing it. I knew as a parent my children deserve a happy home and it was my responsibility to provide that. When Marc was arrested for drinking and driving with the boys and went to jail I knew then that I had to leave. So once he was back home I told him to move out. He begged and told me that it was probably just a phase I was going through and I would be back in a few weeks but I knew it was over for real.

 He left and I honestly feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders that day. It took me a while to really heal my self esteem from his abuse but I did. I had a friend assure me that divorce wasn't my original sin it was simply a consequence of marrying the wrong man. I may have gone through 10 years of emotional abuse at the hands of this man but he taught me something. He taught me how to reach inside of myself and muster up strength I didn't know I had to shield myself from such pain. He also showed me that I settled. I stayed because I wasn't aware of my worth. He showed me how I never want to be treated again. He didn't win. He will live with his misery and regret. He will know that his bitterness and negativity was passed down by his father and it cost him his family. I broke the cycle and I will raise his son in a happy home. My conquest is to marry a wonderful spiritual leader of our home who will be a positive example to these 2 boys. They will see what a marriage and family should really be. It is better that that come from a broken home than live in one. It is better for all of us.

I found a song that really describes who I am

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


“Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.” -Kahlil Gibran

I was watching Hunger Games:Catching Fire yesterday and there was a scene where INDIFFERENCE was mentioned. The word sort of reached out and grabbed my shoulders. It stared into my eyes beckoning me to ironically acknowledge its true definition. I really pondered on it. Actually I lost sleep pondering the depth of its meaning. INDIFFERENCE. When you read the word what do you think of? Apathy? Impassivity? Dispassion?

When I think of indifference I think of torment. I've blogged about discovering my deep rooted desire to feel as if I am "ENOUGH". We all desire to be recognized, heard, even understood at least. Indifference doesn't allow this. Indifference knows our every secret. Indifference knows the deep desires of our hearts and mocks us. Indifference will torment the strongest of men. We have all met someone at some point in our lives that somehow touch us in a way that we are rendered helpless. Reciprocation of these feelings is ideal. We can stretch out our arms and free fall into the empty space we call infatuation. Its euphoric. Sometimes feelings are not reciprocated and we feel the sting of rejection. We tuck our tails and we walk away wondering why they couldn't see the perfection you foresee together. If we are lucky they will shed light on a reason whether it be the truth or a white lie to save our feelings we somehow have an understanding. It makes the rejection pill easier to swallow. Some say this rejection is the most painful of all. Sometimes the feelings are reciprocated and you both fall in love and one or the other changes their mind. Rejection is always an option at any given time. Some people claim this fear and risk is the most painful of all. I disagree. I find that indifference is the most painful feeling of all.

You see indifference takes on the form of "mixed signals", "leading someone on", "someone just settling for you", and "making you an option rather than a priority".  We feel like feelings have been reciprocated and we give it everything we've got. We are letting our guards down and opening up. We give our heart away to this person. When the dust settles in the euphoric paradise of our minds we start to notice that the other person doesn't quite look at us the same. We start to notice that they don't text or call unless we reach out first. We start to wonder if we are "bothering" this person. We start to over analyze and over think situations trying to figure out what we are doing wrong if anything. We ache to know what's going on in their head. We lie awake wondering if they are lying there thinking of us. We play out the scenarios and come up with answers "maybe they are just busy" or  "maybe they are just introverted and don't share their feelings openly". We begin to wonder if we possibly like this person more than they like us. We begin to wonder if we misread the entire situation to begin with.

When we begin to feel this way its possible that we read into situations completely wrong. We begin to create problems in our minds that may not even exist. This can cause us to respond to the other person in a negative way or we can simply push them away with our insecurities. Yes. I said INSECURITIES. Now let me clarify I didn't say we are INSECURE. The situation alone has left us insecure. We are insecure because the other person has not given us the security of knowing where we stand. They have not shared with us what they think about us and the situation as a whole and where or if they see it progressing. This is why communication is essential. When we ride the fence and refuse to acknowledge another person we are being INDIFFERENT. We are tormenting their mind. There is a battlefield of endless emotions going on in their head and we stand on the sidelines instead of clearing the minefield.

INDIFFERENCE is probably most often not on purpose. If someone shares feelings with you whether you are shy, introverted, scared, feeling the same or not feeling the same way it is imperative that you express how you feel. You can write it in a letter, send a text, call, speak to them, or whatever means necessary but INDIFFERENCE is cruelty. Indifference is saying its not that I don't love you or hate you ....YOU SIMPLY HAVE NO MEANING TO ME WHATSOEVER. YOU BASICALLY ONLY EXIST BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF PRESENT IN MY LIFE IN SOME FORM. We all know if there are people in our lives who genuinely care for us in some way. We assume that being friendly is enough because nothing has ever been discussed. It would be kind to clarify those situations. If you think you only want to be a friend to someone then make it tactfully clear. They may be lying awake night after night hoping you will turn your head and see them waiting patiently for you to simply acknowledge them. This will allow them the opportunity to deal with that rejection and move on. Sometimes people wait because they place you above all others. I vow to never purposely be INDIFFERENT. I will tell people how I feel about them. I will take chances. I will risk my heart fearlessly. I will love with all of my being. I will learn. I will grow. I will live life with no regrets. I will not grow old knowing there were chances I never took. I will grow old knowing that I held no one's heart captive due to INDIFFERENCE.