O Holy Night

As I sit here tonight or morning rather, I ponder about everything Christmas.  I reflect on memories of Christmas past and I stress over Christmas present.  The pun is definitely intended because PRESENTS seem to take such priority over our Christmas thoughts. Our expectations of Christmas and what it should be for ourselves, our children and our families.  We compare our decorations to those we see on pinterest and we vow to do Christmas crafts with our kids every night.  "THIS YEAR" precedes every great plan and expectation we set for the holiday. When work life and everyday routines sort of get in the way and we find ourselves drawing closer and closer to the big day we begin to feel overwhelmed and pressure to get everything done because THIS IS THE YEAR. When it doesn't quite happened as planned we find ourselves feeling defeated.  We feel as though we are depriving our children of Christmas cheer and nostalgic memories.

Im sitting on my couch next to a pile of laundry that has nestled in the same spot for 2 weeks.  The glow of the lights allow just enough visibility that I can see the legos, shards of wrapping paper, shoes, amazon boxes and a kfc cup sitting next to the television. I had big plans for tonight.  It would begin with family and a traditional game of dirty santa then carols on the way home.  We would then bake hot cocoa cookies, peppermint sugar cookies and make apple cider before watching a Christmas story as a family. We would then read the nativity story from the bible and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and how this night we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Well the night began with family and that traditional game of dirty santa. The ride home was filled with silent but deadly flatulence from two giggling boys who complained about me wanting to drive and see Christmas lights. We arrived home and realized I still needed to clean the kitchen.  As they dumped their favorite stockings that their aunt net had gifted them I began cleaning. They sorted their loot and prepared for bed forgetting all about cookies and movies.

I felt as though I wasn't living up to the expectations I set for their Christmas this year.  I felt defeated and guilty.  I hadn't done enough.  I hadn't bought enough. I think about Mary pregnant with Jesus and preparing for his arrival.  She knew she would give birth to the Messiah. I can't imagine the expectations that she set for this day and how everything changed.  Im sure she never imagined giving birth in a stable among livestock.  Im sure she wanted more for her newborn son than a trough with hay as a manger. She probably wanted her family near to support her and celebrate the occasion. Everything changed.  She was tired and exhausted.  She made the best of the situation and unto us a King was born. How humbling is that thought? In the cold of night a king lying in hay wrapped in swaddling clothes. Why do I expect so much and allow it to steal the joy of Christmas from me?  As Mary lied there exhausted from child birth there was Joseph gazing at his son. Preparing himself for the unknown but trusting in God with everything.

Well baby Jesus would certainly feel like he was in a stable here with our disarray but he is always welcome. Our ride home may have smelled the same as that old barn as well.  We have room for him here. Where the bright lights and festivities may try to be all inclusive during the holidays we find the true meaning of Christmas in a cold dirty stable. From a dirty stable to a messy apartment he makes all things new. He came to restore. He came as grace.  He came as unconditional love.  He came to die so that we may have eternal life through him. No gift can ever compare. No décor will ever be as beautiful as the glow of Mary after birth. No lights will ever shine as bright as the northern star as it led the wise men on this night. Maybe we need to shift our expectations NEXT YEAR and focus on what truly matters. WISE MEN still seek him.  O Holy night.

Grief is the price of love

Grief is so unpredictable and can be absolutely paralyzing. We avoid known triggers whether they be a song or a place. We may even learn to suppress emotions and disconnect when we find ourselves face to face with grief. There are moments however that grief grabs us with such a bold embrace that we are rendered helpless. In that moment we forcibly succumb to its power and we feel whatever it commands that we feel. There’s no preparation or coping mechanism known to man that can grant you 100% immunity to grief. Some things just demand to be felt. 

For the longest I didn’t grieve my father’s death and one day I was sitting on my couch and grief pinned me down. I had prepared myself to lose my father and I somehow knew the day was coming. I didn’t know how to feel when it finally happened. I had to process a lot of emotions and feelings at once. I went into survival mode. I learned at an early age how to control my thought process and focus on the positive so that I could be strong and grow from every situation rather than become a victim to it. That day I sobbed and I vented and I wrote. It left me almost as quickly as it found me. 

I grieved the loss of who I believed to be the love of my life when he never came home to me from his deployment. I grieved the loss of the life I imagined we would share together. I grieved the loss of his homecoming. I grieved the loss of our first kiss. I grieved the loss of never being able to ask questions or say goodbye. I grieved silently and shamefully as I was blindsided with reality and the perception that no one could or would understand. When I finally pulled myself together I found out just how paralyzing grief could be. It could be a uniformed man in the grocery store or a conversation with a waitress who’s son joined the military. It could be a song or the sight of the dress I planned to wear. It was the thought of Texas. It was the sight of people pick-nicking. I searched for his face in crowds. I heard his voice. I had the same dream hundreds of times until they became fewer and further apart. Then it was the pain and guilt of feeling like I was getting over it. I didn’t want to but I so desperately wanted to at the same time. Then anger set in. Anger was met with this subconscious desire to recreate that situation and that feeling while deep down trying to find him in another. The truth is that I was grieving a possibility and I had to accept that. Who knows what may have happened between us because we never got that chance. I had to let go but every now and then  I feel the sting and it takes my breath away and then it’s gone. 

I started grieving the loss of my mother long before she died. Just as I mentioned that I learned how to control my thoughts as a kid that is exactly how I processed the fact that my mother didn’t raise me. I thought of her as a selfless mother who sacrificed so that I could have a better life with my grandparents. Growing up I felt so much love and any time I felt anger or confusion about her absence I simply reminded myself of how much she must have loved me to do what she did. It wasn’t until I became a mother that my thoughts about her changed. It was that moment when I held Trenton in my arms for the first time that I knew unconditional love. It was that moment I was lost for words that could adequately express how much love I felt for another human being. I loved him so much it physically hurt to try and wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t imagine ever having to leave him behind. Which led me to wonder why she didn’t simply move back home to take care of me with my grandparents help. I realized she wasn’t selfless. That moment really made me question how my own mother didn’t love me as much as I loved my child. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer I disconnected. I felt it would be easier if I held on to the indifference I felt for her than try to heal anything and lose her. I didn’t want to heal and then say goodbye because that seemed so unfair. It wasn’t fair to ask me to feel anymore pain that I was already forced to feel. I had this deep rooted fear and desire to always be enough. To not have to feel like I have to earn love or affection. I wanted to know that someone could love me as much as I loved my boys. I didn’t and still don’t think anyone has. I no longer hurt or desire that because I know that God loves me that much and more and that is all that matters. My mother found that same acceptance and love through Jesus Christ before her death. I forgave my mother and my mother forgave me. I realized that we both struggled with the same emotions and we didn’t know how to heal. We found this place of healing the week she passed. I found her the morning she died. I can’t forget that moment. It’s a moment that I deserved to have with her. I realized that death waits for no one or no moment. It comes whether you’re ready or not. I would love to have enjoyed more time with my mother after she was saved. I feel like it would’ve been different and so rewarding but death didn’t care. She may not have found salvation had she not been faced with a terminal illness. What I could see as a robbery of our time is actually a blessing. My mother could’ve faced an untimely death with no preparation and she would’ve been lost. We never would’ve had that moment together. Her death has been a reminder to love while I can and live each day with purpose. 

Grief only “gets easier” with time because we learn to live with it. We learn that the emotions it brings will he felt regardless so we adapt. Grief is found in every moment we wish we could share with those who are gone. Grief is found during Every holiday, birthday, anniversary and memory. We can share all the positive messages and all the quotes and bible verses we know about grief but not one will counteract the tears that fall when it shows up at our door. 

SELFLESS VS SELF CARE

I considered an introductory title of "GUESS WHO'S BACK" then I got Slim shady stuck in my head so there's that! I can't believe its been a year since I've last blogged.  I have definitely missed it.  Blogging is so therapeutic for me. I feel like I harbor all these thoughts in my mind that I can naturally can't just discuss randomly with strangers in person. I have felt so overwhelmed and so run down lately as if life were just passing me by while I'm waiting on it to happen. I've had a mom meltdown this weekend and after crying and praying I realized I need an outlet.  I also feel like sharing these everyday moments with you somehow lets other people know that maybe what we feel or go through or think about isn't so isolated. 

I was driving the other day thinking about everything on my task list and every event scheduled in my HAPPY PLANNER. I have a full time job as a billing specialist which I absolutely love and I have my vinyl boutique PROVERBS & PEARLS BOUTIQUE. I'm also a single mother of 2 boys (a teen and tween) who fight relentlessly. As if that weren't enough I also keep a housecleaning schedule, workout daily, weekly yoga and dance class, elderly parents who are both recovering from a stroke and broken legs and I am a girlfriend to a really great guy (just over 2 years now). I enjoy everything I am involved in but what you don't know about me is my personality type. 

I am an INFJ.  If you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test, I def suggest doing so! Basically my personality type makes up less than 1% of the population. I feed off the energy of others. I feel what others are feeling. People are drawn to me and feel this natural inclination to open up to me about everything even if they've just met me. Because I am constantly reading others whether I want to or not I am drained every day.  I have to disconnect so that I can recharge and that is why I appear to be a hermit.  I have to be in the mood to be sociable.  I have to choose carefully the company that I keep because I take on their energy. Reading others is a gift that allows me to recognize where and how I may witness to them or earn their trust.

On the outside I appear to have it all together. I volunteer and I over commit without saying No.  I give and give to others because that is who I am.  I often think about what it would be like to be the person on the other end. I learned long ago that my expectations of others is what let me down.  For the most part people don't fail us. Our expectations do. We expect others to love as we do and give as we do and when they don't we feel disappointment. When I find myself feeling this way I quickly dismiss it and feel ashamed for even considering that thought. A Christian shouldn't expect anything in return.  We are to extend agape love. Selfless love.  Love being an action verb.  A choice. We love and give without any expectation of return. We accept the apologies we may never hear and we extend grace when it isn't requested. We do so because we are called to love as Christ loves us. We often fail in our attempts to love as he first loved us. We are often stingy with our grace even though he extends it abundantly to us.  We are humans and we sin but HIS GRACE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.

So here I am with this constant struggle between self-care and giving.  Agape love is SELFLESS. I allowed Satan to twist the truth and whisper lies to me.  SELFLESS does not mean LESS SELF in the sense that you aren't important.  Our bodies are temples. If we are to be the body of Christ we have to take care of it. We do so by allowing Christ to take care of us! The fact is we get so caught up in these everyday moments, events, task lists and we forget to put God first. We forget to spend that quality time with him.  We feel as though we are doing God's work therefore that is time spent with the Lord. We neglect to feed our soul with the word. When we starve ourselves we grow weak.  We don't spend that time with him so he may quench our thirst. We give and give without seeking him so that he may restore us daily.  Daily meditation and alone time with God is essential.  We should seek him first.  If our planner just seems to busy then we need to re-prioritize or wake up earlier. Without him I can do nothing. He is my provider.  He is my father. Everything I am giving to others has been given to me by him.  He restocks me and restores me and gives me the strength I need to get through each day BUT only if I come to him first.

So while others may fail us and our expectations fail us and we fail ourselves...He never fails us! When our kids are defiant and arguing among themselves without coming to us we are reminded that we too do the same.  When life seems so busy and full of chaos we don't have to drown...we need to reach for our life line. Every time I find myself overwhelmed and trying to fix things its because I am trying to take control.  He is in control and for good reason. I can assure you I wreck our little vessel every single time I snatch the wheel from him.