I considered an introductory title of "GUESS WHO'S BACK" then I got Slim shady stuck in my head so there's that! I can't believe its been a year since I've last blogged. I have definitely missed it. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. I feel like I harbor all these thoughts in my mind that I can naturally can't just discuss randomly with strangers in person. I have felt so overwhelmed and so run down lately as if life were just passing me by while I'm waiting on it to happen. I've had a mom meltdown this weekend and after crying and praying I realized I need an outlet. I also feel like sharing these everyday moments with you somehow lets other people know that maybe what we feel or go through or think about isn't so isolated.
I was driving the other day thinking about everything on my task list and every event scheduled in my HAPPY PLANNER. I have a full time job as a billing specialist which I absolutely love and I have my vinyl boutique PROVERBS & PEARLS BOUTIQUE. I'm also a single mother of 2 boys (a teen and tween) who fight relentlessly. As if that weren't enough I also keep a housecleaning schedule, workout daily, weekly yoga and dance class, elderly parents who are both recovering from a stroke and broken legs and I am a girlfriend to a really great guy (just over 2 years now). I enjoy everything I am involved in but what you don't know about me is my personality type.
I am an INFJ. If you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test, I def suggest doing so! Basically my personality type makes up less than 1% of the population. I feed off the energy of others. I feel what others are feeling. People are drawn to me and feel this natural inclination to open up to me about everything even if they've just met me. Because I am constantly reading others whether I want to or not I am drained every day. I have to disconnect so that I can recharge and that is why I appear to be a hermit. I have to be in the mood to be sociable. I have to choose carefully the company that I keep because I take on their energy. Reading others is a gift that allows me to recognize where and how I may witness to them or earn their trust.
On the outside I appear to have it all together. I volunteer and I over commit without saying No. I give and give to others because that is who I am. I often think about what it would be like to be the person on the other end. I learned long ago that my expectations of others is what let me down. For the most part people don't fail us. Our expectations do. We expect others to love as we do and give as we do and when they don't we feel disappointment. When I find myself feeling this way I quickly dismiss it and feel ashamed for even considering that thought. A Christian shouldn't expect anything in return. We are to extend agape love. Selfless love. Love being an action verb. A choice. We love and give without any expectation of return. We accept the apologies we may never hear and we extend grace when it isn't requested. We do so because we are called to love as Christ loves us. We often fail in our attempts to love as he first loved us. We are often stingy with our grace even though he extends it abundantly to us. We are humans and we sin but HIS GRACE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.
So here I am with this constant struggle between self-care and giving. Agape love is SELFLESS. I allowed Satan to twist the truth and whisper lies to me. SELFLESS does not mean LESS SELF in the sense that you aren't important. Our bodies are temples. If we are to be the body of Christ we have to take care of it. We do so by allowing Christ to take care of us! The fact is we get so caught up in these everyday moments, events, task lists and we forget to put God first. We forget to spend that quality time with him. We feel as though we are doing God's work therefore that is time spent with the Lord. We neglect to feed our soul with the word. When we starve ourselves we grow weak. We don't spend that time with him so he may quench our thirst. We give and give without seeking him so that he may restore us daily. Daily meditation and alone time with God is essential. We should seek him first. If our planner just seems to busy then we need to re-prioritize or wake up earlier. Without him I can do nothing. He is my provider. He is my father. Everything I am giving to others has been given to me by him. He restocks me and restores me and gives me the strength I need to get through each day BUT only if I come to him first.
So while others may fail us and our expectations fail us and we fail ourselves...He never fails us! When our kids are defiant and arguing among themselves without coming to us we are reminded that we too do the same. When life seems so busy and full of chaos we don't have to drown...we need to reach for our life line. Every time I find myself overwhelmed and trying to fix things its because I am trying to take control. He is in control and for good reason. I can assure you I wreck our little vessel every single time I snatch the wheel from him.
