I couldn't sleep last night. Lying in the dark staring at the ceiling with that same old feeling inside. It's a feeling that I can't explain. Its indescribable but I will try. It's almost a weary feeling with no real source of reasoning. It tries to capture my mind yet it fears me at the same time. I feel it yet I don't give it life. I have no reason to be weary. I tried to reflect on some difficult feelings to try and force a good cry so that I purge the feelings and move on. That didn't even work because I've reached such a state of strength that I can't even find comfort in the sadness that once welcomed me anytime I came running. I wondered if it was possible to be both content and sad at the same time.
The one thing that does get to me from time to time is the fear that my standards are unrealistic. What if I have placed my heart on such a pedestal that my requirements to have her are unattainable and men simply move on without trying? I've tasted it though. Life has taunted me with the type of love I seek. I know it exists. As each day passes I tell myself that I'm ok alone. I really am but I've known the euphoria of love and my heart craves it. Now with all this being said I can't deny the fact that I have many options. There are good men who I know will love me unconditionally and worship the ground that I walk on. These men have all the qualities I seek except physical attraction, passion and chemistry. I'm not shallow but there has to be physical attraction. This leaves me with the resolve that I have cared for people who simply could not find me attractive as well. It doesn't mean I'm not enough or that I'm not a good woman. Its just incompatibility.
You know something else I realized is that timing is a huge issue. As I mentioned before I've met great men who simply aren't looking for love right now. Someday they will and I've even had some reach out to me after they realized they were ready. Me and my stubborn pride refuses to accept that though. If you let me go then you made it clear I wasn't needed at the time and I refuse to be anyone's option. If you really realize that you made a mistake then you will fight for a second chance. You will work at it and earn my trust again. You will not accept my rejection and walk away. That is lazy and you prove that you aren't willing to work at it. You see everything I do has a purpose. I have a reason in my head. All you have to do is care enough to figure out why. All you have to do is peel back my layers and grab me every time I try to run. If you care then sometimes you have to realize that people have been wounded. People have defenses. You have to meet them where they are and give them security that you aren't like the rest. Your efforts prove that you want it and that you're worthy. I'm not asking you to be a doormat for anyone. I'm saying to try and put yourself where they are. It's ok to be vulnerable. If you step outside of your comfort zone they may be willing to step outside of theirs and meet in the middle.
It's rare moments that you meet the one you are destined for. You may only have that one window of opportunity and the only way you will lose them is if you give up trying. If you quit on them you'll never know. They may have quit on themselves but there the 2 of you are. It's not ideal and it may even be difficult but when you know in your gut that there is something special about them you plant your feet and start working. You can't use the same cliche line "If its meant to be it will" or "set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be". You are gambling with fate. If its meant to be then you'll make it happen. Everyone wants to be loved as much as they have once loved. Imagine the time in your life where you loved harder than you ever have before but it fell apart. Imagine the pain you felt. Everyone has felt that before. Everyone has battle scars. We all deal differently. We all heal differently. Sometimes people don't heal until they have a band-aid in the form of someone else. Its simply up to you to determine if they're worth it. You're afraid to jump because you're scared you'll fall.... but what if you fly?
