Tuesday, July 29, 2014
So the moment we have all been waiting for...I met a guy! I'm sure if you've always followed me you know that I haven't shared something like this before in this context anyway. Granted it's in the infancy stage but I really have a feeling about this one. Obviously I have a feeling or I wouldn't dare jump the gun and put it out here. I don't want to look like a fool and when I've met people before something always told me to wait before I dropped my guard completely or expected it to go anywhere. This time I've tossed caution to the wind. I refuse to over think. I refuse to analyze. I refuse to worry about tomorrow. I'm living for today. I'm choosing to put my hope in this. I'm choosing to trust him in spite of the past. I'm choosing to drop my guard and open up to him. I'm choosing to give 100% of myself with no expectancy of him doing the same. I'm risking my heart because I think he's worth it. I'm taking a chance on love because I have always said you have to risk it all to gain something great. I'm choosing him.
This is what love is all about. It isn't just about the infatuation...those butterflies and elation we feel. It isn't just about romance and passion. It isn't about dates and gifts. It isn't just about late night phone calls and sweet text messages. Love is a choice when these things start to become routine or rare. It's saying I love you in spite of. It's saying I will never stop choosing you. It's acknowledging the fact that as humans our life is a constant series of choices one after the other setting forth reactions and circumstances. We may any day choose to walk away but we refuse to give up on love. We vow to choose this person when this person may not be so lovable. We choose this person when doubt ourselves and don't want to be loved. Walking away is never an option. That is love. Life isn't easy. We know that is an understatement but we all need someone to lessen the load. A shared burden is lighter. We all need a cheerleader to support us and push us to do our best. We all need someone to laugh with and talk with. We all need someone that we can run to when the world tears us apart and their arms make the wold disappear. When we think our dreams and goals are impossible we all need someone showing us that nothing is impossible. This is what I will always be to the ones I love and this is all I pray that I will have in return.
I have prayed for a certain kind of love my entire life and I have always settled for less than that until now. I've stayed single because I refused to accept less than I deserve. I refused to be treated less than I deserve to be treated. I've met a man who holds every quality I've been praying for. He isn't perfect because none of us are but he seems to be perfect for me and that's all that matters. I've been praying since we met. I've prayed for him and I've asked God to really show me who he is. I have gotten nothing short of a resolve in my heart that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now and he is exactly who I think he is. I am choosing to give him my heart because I have faith that God has brought this man into my life to restore my faith in true love. Everything is so new and to some maybe we are "jumping the gun" so to speak but I think this is how it feels when we just blindly love as we should. This is how it feels to just let go and enjoy it for what it is. Who wrote these rules about time frames, acceptable expectations, and what/when/how/where we can feel what it is that we feel? I don't care about other's opinions of this. I simply want to bathe in its beauty and enjoy it. I've waited so long to feel this way and I'm not about to let it pass me by. If I get my heart broken then I'm well aware that it will heal. You see its often the same emotion that once broke your heart that heals it.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
I couldn't sleep last night. Lying in the dark staring at the ceiling with that same old feeling inside. It's a feeling that I can't explain. Its indescribable but I will try. It's almost a weary feeling with no real source of reasoning. It tries to capture my mind yet it fears me at the same time. I feel it yet I don't give it life. I have no reason to be weary. I tried to reflect on some difficult feelings to try and force a good cry so that I purge the feelings and move on. That didn't even work because I've reached such a state of strength that I can't even find comfort in the sadness that once welcomed me anytime I came running. I wondered if it was possible to be both content and sad at the same time.
The one thing that does get to me from time to time is the fear that my standards are unrealistic. What if I have placed my heart on such a pedestal that my requirements to have her are unattainable and men simply move on without trying? I've tasted it though. Life has taunted me with the type of love I seek. I know it exists. As each day passes I tell myself that I'm ok alone. I really am but I've known the euphoria of love and my heart craves it. Now with all this being said I can't deny the fact that I have many options. There are good men who I know will love me unconditionally and worship the ground that I walk on. These men have all the qualities I seek except physical attraction, passion and chemistry. I'm not shallow but there has to be physical attraction. This leaves me with the resolve that I have cared for people who simply could not find me attractive as well. It doesn't mean I'm not enough or that I'm not a good woman. Its just incompatibility.
You know something else I realized is that timing is a huge issue. As I mentioned before I've met great men who simply aren't looking for love right now. Someday they will and I've even had some reach out to me after they realized they were ready. Me and my stubborn pride refuses to accept that though. If you let me go then you made it clear I wasn't needed at the time and I refuse to be anyone's option. If you really realize that you made a mistake then you will fight for a second chance. You will work at it and earn my trust again. You will not accept my rejection and walk away. That is lazy and you prove that you aren't willing to work at it. You see everything I do has a purpose. I have a reason in my head. All you have to do is care enough to figure out why. All you have to do is peel back my layers and grab me every time I try to run. If you care then sometimes you have to realize that people have been wounded. People have defenses. You have to meet them where they are and give them security that you aren't like the rest. Your efforts prove that you want it and that you're worthy. I'm not asking you to be a doormat for anyone. I'm saying to try and put yourself where they are. It's ok to be vulnerable. If you step outside of your comfort zone they may be willing to step outside of theirs and meet in the middle.
It's rare moments that you meet the one you are destined for. You may only have that one window of opportunity and the only way you will lose them is if you give up trying. If you quit on them you'll never know. They may have quit on themselves but there the 2 of you are. It's not ideal and it may even be difficult but when you know in your gut that there is something special about them you plant your feet and start working. You can't use the same cliche line "If its meant to be it will" or "set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be". You are gambling with fate. If its meant to be then you'll make it happen. Everyone wants to be loved as much as they have once loved. Imagine the time in your life where you loved harder than you ever have before but it fell apart. Imagine the pain you felt. Everyone has felt that before. Everyone has battle scars. We all deal differently. We all heal differently. Sometimes people don't heal until they have a band-aid in the form of someone else. Its simply up to you to determine if they're worth it. You're afraid to jump because you're scared you'll fall.... but what if you fly?
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Well hello there. It's been a while since I've posted. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. It isn't because life isn't tossing me in a thousand different directions. I've simply been standing in the eye of the storm just taking it in. I planted my feet and looked up at the storm raging around me and smiled. I closed my eyes and felt the sting of the rain against my face. I was knocked down by debris but I stood back up. I have reached contentment. As storms raged all around me I held on to my hope and faith that I am never alone.
I have always said that God doesn't promise us that we won't go through things. He promises he will be with us as we do. We have to overcome to gain wisdom. If I give up I will become stagnant. This redundant message is my personal motivation. It is what drives me. I know that it is important to constantly grow. It is important to face your fears because fear is what holds you back. We are in a constant battle with good and evil. Evil only wins when all hope is lost.
Since my last post my stance on solitary contentment has strengthened. I am ok alone. I am happy. This has been a major milestone emotionally. It empowers me to stand firm when my boundaries are compromised and people attack my standards. I expect someone to rise and meet my standards. I will not lower mine to settle for less that I know I need and deserve.
I won't give life to the troubles that surrounded me because they are irrelevant. I don't have to discuss them in detail because I refuse to acknowledge them. They do not define nor control who I am or how I feel. I am in control of that. Looking back over my posts since I began writing I realize the growth in that statement. I have come so far from who I was. I try not to reflect on my past and revisit them. I feel that once I've felt the pain and moved on that it would be self destructive to take myself back there emotionally. I do miss a few key people who came into my life and challenged me in ways that forever changed me. I miss talking to them and I miss the passion in our conversations. I miss the tears we shed for one another. I miss the fights and the laughter. I miss the thought provoking situation we found ourselves in. It's those people and those moments that I live for. It's so bitter sweet now. I realize I have outgrown some of those people and it would be detrimental to reach out to them again. I won't feel bad for progressing and I can't allow myself to be pulled back. I know they still read this blog and they will know who they are. I hope they know that they aren't forgotten. They're monuments along this highway of life I travel. They're memories. They're blessings. They matter.
I shouldn't have waited so long to post. I have so many topics and thoughts to share that they're flooding my mind at once and I'm overwhelmed with things I want to say but each post I write has a purpose and a message so I will save them to post over the next few days. I plan to start writing again as I did in the beginning. I have missed my outlet and sharing with you.