Grief is so unpredictable and can be absolutely paralyzing. We avoid known triggers whether they be a song or a place. We may even learn to suppress emotions and disconnect when we find ourselves face to face with grief. There are moments however that grief grabs us with such a bold embrace that we are rendered helpless. In that moment we forcibly succumb to its power and we feel whatever it commands that we feel. There’s no preparation or coping mechanism known to man that can grant you 100% immunity to grief. Some things just demand to be felt.
For the longest I didn’t grieve my father’s death and one day I was sitting on my couch and grief pinned me down. I had prepared myself to lose my father and I somehow knew the day was coming. I didn’t know how to feel when it finally happened. I had to process a lot of emotions and feelings at once. I went into survival mode. I learned at an early age how to control my thought process and focus on the positive so that I could be strong and grow from every situation rather than become a victim to it. That day I sobbed and I vented and I wrote. It left me almost as quickly as it found me.
I grieved the loss of who I believed to be the love of my life when he never came home to me from his deployment. I grieved the loss of the life I imagined we would share together. I grieved the loss of his homecoming. I grieved the loss of our first kiss. I grieved the loss of never being able to ask questions or say goodbye. I grieved silently and shamefully as I was blindsided with reality and the perception that no one could or would understand. When I finally pulled myself together I found out just how paralyzing grief could be. It could be a uniformed man in the grocery store or a conversation with a waitress who’s son joined the military. It could be a song or the sight of the dress I planned to wear. It was the thought of Texas. It was the sight of people pick-nicking. I searched for his face in crowds. I heard his voice. I had the same dream hundreds of times until they became fewer and further apart. Then it was the pain and guilt of feeling like I was getting over it. I didn’t want to but I so desperately wanted to at the same time. Then anger set in. Anger was met with this subconscious desire to recreate that situation and that feeling while deep down trying to find him in another. The truth is that I was grieving a possibility and I had to accept that. Who knows what may have happened between us because we never got that chance. I had to let go but every now and then I feel the sting and it takes my breath away and then it’s gone.
I started grieving the loss of my mother long before she died. Just as I mentioned that I learned how to control my thoughts as a kid that is exactly how I processed the fact that my mother didn’t raise me. I thought of her as a selfless mother who sacrificed so that I could have a better life with my grandparents. Growing up I felt so much love and any time I felt anger or confusion about her absence I simply reminded myself of how much she must have loved me to do what she did. It wasn’t until I became a mother that my thoughts about her changed. It was that moment when I held Trenton in my arms for the first time that I knew unconditional love. It was that moment I was lost for words that could adequately express how much love I felt for another human being. I loved him so much it physically hurt to try and wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t imagine ever having to leave him behind. Which led me to wonder why she didn’t simply move back home to take care of me with my grandparents help. I realized she wasn’t selfless. That moment really made me question how my own mother didn’t love me as much as I loved my child. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer I disconnected. I felt it would be easier if I held on to the indifference I felt for her than try to heal anything and lose her. I didn’t want to heal and then say goodbye because that seemed so unfair. It wasn’t fair to ask me to feel anymore pain that I was already forced to feel. I had this deep rooted fear and desire to always be enough. To not have to feel like I have to earn love or affection. I wanted to know that someone could love me as much as I loved my boys. I didn’t and still don’t think anyone has. I no longer hurt or desire that because I know that God loves me that much and more and that is all that matters. My mother found that same acceptance and love through Jesus Christ before her death. I forgave my mother and my mother forgave me. I realized that we both struggled with the same emotions and we didn’t know how to heal. We found this place of healing the week she passed. I found her the morning she died. I can’t forget that moment. It’s a moment that I deserved to have with her. I realized that death waits for no one or no moment. It comes whether you’re ready or not. I would love to have enjoyed more time with my mother after she was saved. I feel like it would’ve been different and so rewarding but death didn’t care. She may not have found salvation had she not been faced with a terminal illness. What I could see as a robbery of our time is actually a blessing. My mother could’ve faced an untimely death with no preparation and she would’ve been lost. We never would’ve had that moment together. Her death has been a reminder to love while I can and live each day with purpose.
Grief only “gets easier” with time because we learn to live with it. We learn that the emotions it brings will he felt regardless so we adapt. Grief is found in every moment we wish we could share with those who are gone. Grief is found during Every holiday, birthday, anniversary and memory. We can share all the positive messages and all the quotes and bible verses we know about grief but not one will counteract the tears that fall when it shows up at our door.
