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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Remembering Last Spring

The weather in Mississippi is about as fickle as a southern woman. One day we may be in flip flops and the next school is cancelled due to snow. Well the warm weather returned yesterday and it was nice. I was driving and had my windows down and my radio up as usual. A familiar song came on my iTunes playlist. "Dayum Baby" by Florida Georgia line. Any other time I may have skipped it because I wore that entire CD out last spring. Ah ha! Last spring. This is why I'm smiling. It's crazy how a song can take you back to a moment. This time it was extra nice because the weather was the same as well. I remember feeling so free last spring. I wore my sundresses and flip flops with big glasses and blasting FGL through the speakers as I drove down backroads smiling and singing. Spring always brings happiness doesn't it? It always welcomes us like vikings out of the gloomy and dark winter as if we were just returning home from this cold and dreary place. Spring will always feel this way. Spring will also be a reminder of the pain I experienced last year. 

As Easter approaches I think of Jesus dying for our sins and his burial in the tomb. After three days he rose again and the tomb was empty. He loved us so much that he died for us to be free. There is no greater love than a man who lays down his life. I don't talk about my soldier who was killed very often. People don't understand. They don't get it. We met online. How could I possibly fall for someone online? It doesn't matter what they think. Maybe I fell for the idea of him. Obviously I didn't know him all that well because after his death I found out he had been married the entire time. I have no answers to questions. I have no closure except the closure I've given myself. In spite of his circumstances or need to talk to me I still fell for who he said he was. I fell for something and it was taken away. I'm allowed to grieve that. It's ok to be broken over that. It's ok to feel pain because I was deceived and left to pick up the pieces alone. The truth is whether he died or lived he didn't belong to me. I faced that alone. I have a friend who is a marine vet and he shows me tough love. I need it. When I have my moments he says "Get over it. The man was a sorry cheater. He led you on and cheated on his wife." This is hard to swallow when someone is dead but at the same time its necessary to move on. I still can't listen to certain songs about soldiers not coming home. I still hurt when I see movies that are related. Part of me admits that I have tried to seemingly replace him in the past. 

People ask why I seem to date more servicemen than other men. Its not complicated. Its just that most of the ones I date have the traits and personality I'm looking for. They have structure and discipline. They are respectable. They make me proud to support them. They are manly and they are charming. They also slightly intimidate me. They take control and lead me. We all know gender roles is my soap box. Well servicemen tend to think the same way I do about the man taking the lead role in a relationship. They are fearless and they protect me. I've spent my entire life loving men who could care less what happens to me on a daily basis. I gave those men everything I had inside of me and they let me down. I want to feel safe emotionally and physically. Just as I mentioned earlier there is no greater love than a man who lays down his life for his friends. If there is any man on earth worth respect it is a serviceman who fearlessly protects not only those he loves but strangers who take it for granted. This is why I tend to date servicemen. I've finally reached a place in my life where I am happy and the things of my past are simply stories of triumph. They are learning tools and lessons learned. So as spring tip toes in around me,I welcome the new growth. I am searching for a new job and I know that love is in my future. I live daily with hope and expectancy.