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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Letter to myself 7.29.15

Dear Ashley,

It is time that I tell you how I really feel. It is time to stop hurting you over and over again. The time has come to cast aside all of the blame I have unfairly laid on your soul. You are beautiful. You have seen so much pain through your eyes yet they shine with a light that others see every day. You wear a smile and make those around you laugh as if you aren’t falling apart the moment everyone turns their head. I know you. I see everything inside. I know that you cry yourself to sleep at night. I know that you bury your face in your pillow so your boys won’t hear you and worry. I know that sometimes you stroke your hair with the opposite hand and pray asking God to just wrap his arms around you because you’re lonely. I’ve heard the prayers asking him to hug you tight against him so you can rest for a moment. Don’t you know it breaks me as well? Don’t you see that I want your heart to mend? You have to let go of your past. You have to understand that it is not healthy to allow those memories to haunt you. I know that your parents were not fit to raise you and because of that you learned early on that you were not worthy of unconditional love. Your grandparents loved you with every fabrication of their soul and your family adored you. Why did you not latch on to that as proof that you are worthy? You can’t base your entire worth on those who couldn’t even take care of themselves. I know that men have always promised to love you forever but they left or you made them leave. I know that they lied and deceived you. I know you were abused mentally and physically. I was there when you would hide in your closet crying and praying that God would heal your marriage. You stayed and kept faith that everything was going to be ok. Can’t you see how strong you are? These are not the memories you should hold on to. You should focus on the triumphs. You have overcome so much yet you carry on without fear of the future. You are a Proverbs 31 woman. You are so lovely. You are so caring. You are selfless when sometimes you need to be a little more selfish. You forgive instantly and hold no grudges even against those who would not blink if you took your last breath right this second. You do not have hate in your heart and for that I am in awe of you. It does not matter what this world thinks of you. It does not matter how they define you. It does not matter what they say you should or should do. It doesn’t matter how they think you should or shouldn’t look. What matters is what is within your heart and darling let me just say your heart is pure gold and you should be reminded by me daily. You are a charming southern belle and you should never forget that. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of the kind of love fairy tales and Nicholas Sparks novels were written about. You are worthy of happiness beyond comprehension and laughter beyond the years you would ever expect. I am sorry I didn’t defend you as often as I should have. I am sorry I sat quietly and allowed others to break you without speaking. I am sorry that I chose to avoid drama and decided to take the glorious approach and walk away with dignity. Maybe we do need to stand up more. Maybe we do need to put others in their place when they wrong us. We speak so boldly and freely about everything else so why do we cower to men who want nothing more than to break us down into nothing simply to try and build us back up into something they want.  Oh my dear that stops today. Today is a brand new day and you my beauty, are a brand new woman. You will command respect in the way you hold your head high. You will confidently smile and welcome new friendships and love into your life. You will no longer have this facade of the woman who has it all together. YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO HAS IT ALL TOGETHER. I love you. No matter what anyone else says. I love you and you are worthy.

Love, Ashley

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

She smiles in spite of you

She smiles at strangers in passing
Searching for some story behind their eyes
There's always something to read
something beneath the surface of our shells
She wonders if they all hide similar secrets
Do they slowly die inside when they hear a certain name
Do they feel an emptiness in their soul as they drive home
Do they scramble to change the station when songs remind them of the past
Are we all running
Are we running toward something or away from it all
Maybe she smiles hoping they can see through her
Maybe just maybe she hopes someone will hear the silent screams
She pushes hoping someone will stop her
She silently begs for them to see the pain and fear she holds captive inside
She silently yearns for them to hear the tears behind her laughter
She silently longs for someone to heal the wounds she can't even bare to touch
She smiles in spite of the lonely
She smiles in spite of the words that haunt her every heartbeat
She smiles in spite of the words that were never said
the words that she prays she will one day hear
the words that she herself can't even imagine escaping the tongue of her transgressors
she's somewhere between hopeless and the verge of glory
she doesn't know how far she is from the border of either yet she runs
maybe she runs in place but God knows she's a runner
she stumbles and she hurts but she runs
she's so tired yet her strength is renewed each day
everyday she wonders if today will be the day
It isn't love she hopes for as much as it is to be understood
My God can't you see that she only wants to be understood
Can you not see that she only wants a place to exhale
She just wants to spill everything out onto the table and to not be judged for it
She wants to just be enough
She wants you to see beyond what it is you want from her
She is more than you can even imagine yet you only want her touch
You have no desire for the love she has to give
You fools.
You will crave the scent of her hair some day
You will hear her laugh in crowds and search for her face
You'll lie awake wishing time were on your side
She will finally have all she ever prayed for while she prayed for you
Maybe love is the drug she uses to numb the pain
It is after all the very thing that brought her here
As you walk away just remember her smile
Just look at her smile
She smiles in spite of you

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Friends with Benefits

Has anyone ever made you feel worthless? I mean obviously I know my self-worth…I am a self-proclaimed princess for heaven’s sake! I mean has someone’s actions ever just made you step back in awe of how little they value you or your feelings? For the longest time I have wondered why I cannot seem to accept the infamous “Friends with Benefits” situation aka “FWB”. Everyone so quickly says sex isn’t the same thing as love or dating. People say “just have fun” or “Forget the rules”. Obviously these “people” I am referring to have a “Meat and 2 sides” on their dinner plate because most women are not OK with a FWB. Every now and then we consider it but let’s be honest here when we do it’s with someone we would never date. GASP!!! If we think this way does that mean that men think the same way? Does that mean every time I have been propositioned for a FWB situation it’s because I'm not exactly “girlfriend material”?? I like to tell myself that the way men and women think are much different so maybe that isn’t always the case. IT IS ALWAYS THE CASE WITH ME. If I would sleep with you then I would typically date you. That remark is null and void in regards to anyone I may or may not have been intimate with THEN realized after the fact that I just wasn’t feeling it. That is totally irrelevant. I am being a guy today aren’t I? 

The one thing I realized is how I feel when someone propositions me as friend with benefits. You’re telling me that I’m good enough to go out and hang out with, kiss, call/text, and have sex BUT you just aren’t looking to be in a relationship? Aren’t all of those things part of being in a relationship? How am I good enough for all the components of a relationship but not the title? I am confused UNLESS you are trying to spare my feelings in which case I do not. If I am not feeling you like that I will tell you. This is the only logical explanation. When you proposition me like that it makes me feel worthless. I feel like I am not good enough and that is an awful feeling. No one wants to feel like they aren’t good enough for someone. We want to know what we can do to improve our chances with the next person. We over analyze and wonder what was it that we lacked? If more people would be honest about things then maybe everyone would stop over thinking so damn much! Tell me Im not your type but you’d bang me behind closed doors. Tell me you’re just a man whore and you don’t want to commit to one woman. Tell me that you don’t have to have feelings for me or even want to date me to sleep with me. Let me judge you as fairly as you judged me. We have all been on both sides of the fence here so I am not crying victim. I know I have been just as guilty as leading someone on as the next but I can assure you it has never been for the sole purpose of sleeping with them. Women just do not have this problem. Could that be why we don’t understand why guys compartmentalize sex and love? 

It is just such a double standard out there and I get that. I don’t want to sleep around. I want to know that someone wants the whole package. I am not giving you the best of me just because you feed me some pretty little lie. I have fallen for that just like every other girl. The difference is I learned the game early on. You’ll say what you have to say to get it and then you’ll be gone because the conquest is over. This is why I wait. This is why I don’t think sex right away is a good thing. So you ask why I don’t do “Friends with benefits”? Well you aren’t friends. You are providing a benefit to someone who is indifferent when it comes to you because otherwise they would want to claim you and you’d be in a relationship. So no I have no interest in your title since you have no interest in mine. I am worth pursuing. I am worth the effort. I have standards and you will not disrespect me. I know my place and I can be the best of both worlds BUT only for a man who deserves it. See I am such a CHICK after all!

Monday, July 6, 2015


I've been wanting to write for a week now but I lie there and just let the thoughts swim. I watch them as if I'm in some giant aquarium distracted by others who are trying to see it too. My dating life is one of the aquatic attractions. It's something I've placed on reef to maybe revisit later. If I stumble upon love of course I know I can't deny it but it's something I've began to loathe. I don't loathe love but the conquest. I've written about becoming jaded and I've thought it was impossible. I don't even know if I would call it jaded. I think I would identify more with the idea of contentment. I know that I'm ok alone. When I am alone I don't have to stress over what I'm wearing or what I'm saying. I don't have to consider another person's thoughts of what I want to watch or eat. I don't have to engage in conversations when I don't feel like it. I don't have to be pleasant or inviting. I can simply just be still. I think this is something I've needed to do for quite a while. There is such tranquility in the word. STILL. Just be still. I've ran for so long just diving head first into anything and everything to experience life for all it is. I wanted to know and feel every emotion possible. I wanted to learn life lesson after life lesson as if pain were rain and I were a thirsty field. The problem with this is that I didn't know how or if I were damaging myself. I knew somethings left scars but again that's life. That's a lesson learned right? I regret nothing though. I am so raw. I know with every fabrication of my existence that I live in hearts and minds. I know that some think of me daily. I know that some wish they'd never met me. I know that some smile when they hear my name. I know that some ache inside when my face comes to mind. I also know that I am forgettable. I know that I am dismiss-able. I know that I am not enough to some while I may be everything to others. I still struggle deeply with the fear of not being enough. I still shutter at the thought of indifference. That is one of the most painful thoughts. It is my kryptonite. I long to be enough. There is a sadness in this truth. The bittersweet truth is that I am more than enough for some and I have walked away from them because of something I can't define let alone explain. I simply knew that I couldn't love them the way they love me. How could this be? I've tried.. I've let them love me until I couldn't stand them any longer. It only pushes me further away. It has brought me here. I don't even know where here is. I've never felt so numb to it all before. It isn't a sadness. It isn't something I want to change. It isn't an ailment that requires attention. It is my place. I am still. I just want to enjoy the stillness. I have fallen apart. I have pulled it together. I have been broken. I have been happy. I just want to be still. Maybe I've finally had enough disappointment. Maybe I know the pain all too well. Maybe the memories haunt me. Maybe I'm one touch away from breaking down. All I know is I am somewhere in between where I've been and where I'm destined to be. I'm resting here for a while. Whether I'm waiting for the past to catch up or regain strength needed for the future God only knows.