I've thought about my daddy a lot lately. I miss him. I wish he were here to talk to. People say that time heals the pain but not when you lose someone. Time is only a reminder that they are missing your life. I can't call daddy up and tell him about the boys games or jokes. I still have so much guilt that I wrote him off. His addictions were a burden to me. I didn't want anything to do with it. My grandparents raised me and my grandfather was my "daddy". Daddy was second. I loved him. I waited for him. He made me promises he never kept. He loved me so much though. I could see the adoration in his eyes when he'd squeeze me tight. He always bragged on me. He would get mad and call me a snob but I was. I wasn't accepting of what he was doing. I didn't mean to be that way. It was may way of coping with it all. I had sort of prepared myself for the call. I knew it was coming sooner than later. The day I got the call I went in to preparation mode. I didn't stop to grieve. I left for Slidell, LA immediately and began to help make arrangements. That night I wrote my father's eulogy. I picked out the song "Broken Bridges" by Toby Keith. It wasn't until I saw that man in the casket that they said was my daddy that it hit me. It hit me like the weight of the world. I never told him that I loved him as much as I did. I never told him that he hurt me. I never hugged him tight like I never wanted to let go. At that moment I realized that I never could. My tears flowed endlessly and I screamed that's not my daddy. It was hard to speak my way through the eulogy and everyone cried but I made it. I realized that addiction is a disease and my daddy struggled with it. I know that he had a faith in God and I comfort myself thinking that somehow God has made him better somehow. He doesn't have to take a pill to swallow the pain now. He doesn't have to try and impress me or anyone else. I miss his big heart and big smile. I hate that my boys wont grow up knowing him. I live with the guilt. I learned to never let a day go by without telling those that you care about how much you love them. So what are you waiting for?
Broken Bridges - the Song for my daddy and I
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Don't you love that feeling when a song takes you back to some great moment in your life? It never ceases to make me smile when I hear the Gin Blossoms. It never ceases to make me cry when I hear "The Reason" by Hoobastank. This is why I want to stamp my favorite memories with songs. I want to always have that trigger to surprise me at just the right moments. Tonight I was driving down Highway 51 with my sunroof open (the tanning bed had me hot) and I was singing "If it makes you happy" at the top of my lungs and my right hand waving out of the sunroof! Lame? Heck Yes. Fun? Absolutely. Necessary? Whatever. It was a moment where nothing else existed but the memory of my little sister and I driving around in my new car after graduation and singing this song repeatedly because we were AWESOME. Think about "song stamping" the next best thing that happens to you and tell me how it makes you feel 10 years down the road when you hear that song again. You're Welcome.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Sometimes our hearts are thirsty. There is a need within it to feel emotions that we seem to have left in our past. It's in those rare moments that someone walks into our life with similar needs and we begin to converse. Our hearts continue to whisper words of "fate" and "destiny" to our mind in hopes that it too will jump on this opportunity. You see the heart is a selfish creature and I've learned to outsmart it over the years. Call me jaded? Maybe. I know that euphoric feeling is only temporary. I'm a simple girl with honest words. Nothing special and rare. I'm OK with that. We build these fairy tales inside and when we get weary we quickly cast people into the roles hoping they will live up to our impossible expectations. The greater the love...the greater the tragedy when it's over. This is precisely why two dreamers can't coexist. Oh but you know me....my greatest fear is living with "what if". It taunts me with it's reverse psychology. Tricky heart. I am no fool.
I'm contradicting almost always. It's who I am. I write. I dream. I'm full of passion and gumption. I'm a bit mouthy at times. I wish I were the quiet and reserved Southern Belle. I'm a mess yet I'm charming. It's not intentional. It's who I am. I find beauty in lessons learned. I'm cultivated in sorrow and fairy tales hence the fact that I'm jaded. I smile on the outside and laugh through my tears so you can't hear my screams inside. I move on but never forget the path that led me here. You consider me a muse or maybe even a catalyst. I'm full of wisdom but many will never know until I'm long gone. When the words of my journals play the song of my life. The Man in the Moon will smile and say "I knew her"