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Saturday, October 25, 2014

Guarding my Heart

The words of my last post have marinated my mind since I read them. I am forced to look at who I really am. I am reluctant to open those wounds. There are doors I have locked away for the sake of survival. I do not nor will I ever live as a victim. I think sometimes without realizing it we simply numb our wounds and move along so that we don't even have time to feel the pain. The problem with not properly dressing them is that they leave lasting scars. With every fingertip tracing it across my skin I am reminded of it's story. With every footstep across my heart I am blinded by it's existence. I have no choice but to open those wounds so that I may explain.

As a baby my mother gave me to her parents for adoption. She said she wasn't stable and they could provide a better home to me. They did. I am thankful but once I became a mother it weighed on me. I could never walk away from my children. I would do whatever it took to take responsibility and provide them with a safe and loving home just as I have done. I wondered why I wasn't enough or how she could walk away from me.  I want you to read these words again before I go on:

“how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 

When I read this I sobbed. I have spent my entire life trying to prove that I am worthy of acceptance and love to those who seemingly didn't give it to me. I became obsessed with just those people until I made them see who I really was. This was so unhealthy yet I never realized I was doing just that until now. I even blogged about my fear of "Not being enough". I dated and married men who I had to change for and work for to be what they wanted. I was never enough yet I thought that by making them love me that somehow I could prove to myself that I was worthy. Those that freely extended their affections didn't interest me because surely it was easy to be loved by desperate people. These ideas in my mind poisoned me and I have been living my life chasing after unattainable people seeking this validation. I was abused in so many ways by people who were supposed to love and protect me. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves scars that cannot go untreated. I simply moved on as if they never happened and chalked it up to strength.  I have confidence and standards yet I long for love and this is detected whether I think I am hiding it or not. 
It wasn't until I broke free of that abuse and discovered that I matter. I found my self worth. I know what I deserve. I know who I am. I have established boundaries and standards in my life and will not allow anyone to treat me badly.  The problem is that I have not broken the desire that I find in unattainable or emotionally unavailable men. I am still so drawn to these men HOWEVER I now refuse to be mistreated therefore my entire love life has been one failure after another. That is why I have not been in a relationship since my divorce. There have been men offering everything I'm looking for yet that "chemistry" isn't there for me. Could it be that this "chemistry" is that hidden desire to have one of these clearly unattainable men fall for me? I'm not saying it is. I'm simply saying that I attract impossible men like a moth to a flame or they attract me....hence the burn. 
Last night and this morning I gave this God. I prayed and I let go of the stronghold in my life. It is not up to me to identify this problem in my life. I simply have to give it to God and have faith that he will restore me and guide me in the future to not make the same mistakes again. Life is about growing and learning. Unfortunately most of these things are obtained through painful circumstances.  As men have rejected me for physical reasons or simply because they only wanted sex I had began to feel like I was not worthy of real love. I had began to think that I was not enough. I have watched these men get into meaningful relationships right after leading me on and letting me down and I allowed Satan to whisper "See you weren't good enough", "See your mother left you, your husband left you for another woman, you have no one because something is wrong with you" ....As strong as I thought I was and as together as I know I am somehow his lies seeped in and subconsciously broke me down. That ends TODAY. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am enough. I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I still refuse to settle but I do know that I cant make a home out of a person and I can't ever allow anyone's perception of me to alter who I really am. I don't have to fear love. I don't have to fear failure. Most importantly just because someone doesn't see my worth doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I hide it in my heart along with my faith, grace and an overabundance of love to share. I will guard my heart in the future!
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23