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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Dear Future Husband 1/26/2016


Dear future husband, 

Good evening sweet potato! I pray that you are well and staying warm wherever you may be. I was hoping for a little snow so I could dress up in Wings & a halo to go sledding down the hill near the overpass. Snow angels get their kicks too! So I took myself out this weekend because I said this year I'm going to get out more. I've sort of limited you to being the Central air/heat tech, Comcast tech, meter reader, pizza delivery guy or a Sunday morning grocery shopper. I'm
Pretty sure you weren't any of them although the fire department was in Kroger one morning and if you just so happened to be one of them then I'm certain we locked eyes. Of course by "locked eyes" I mean me staring until you caught me then awkwardly crashing my buggy into the rotisserie chicken display. I know what you were thinking too..."This graceful little good looking thing should be my girlfriend" then dispatch comes on and you're off to save some
Damsel in distress....or a 59year old white male complaining of chest pains, syncope, and blurred vision. Possible myocardial infarction. Wife says he's been this way all morning but fell getting in the car on the way to church (Not that I was even listening to a scanner to figure out where I would run into you again). All jokes aside babe you don't even have to be a fireman. I'm gonna adore you no matter what your occupation is. As long as there is an occupation. Jesus loves the unemployed. Yes HE does. Loves em as much as the employed people. I'm working on being more like Jesus so I met him half way and I love the employed. Ok ok I love all people but I used WWJD to know if Jesus would date someone who refuses to work and Jesus wouldn't so....there ya go. Well I'm sure you know Valentine's Day is coming up or what I like to refer to as Single awareness day which just happens to say "SAD". I just want you to know that you are my valentine whoever and wherever you may be in this world. I just sort of Hope you aren't taking some heifer out on a date that day because you think she might be me. I also hope you don't buy her fruit roll ups and flowers because she's not me. She doesn't deserve them. You'll see. I hope she isn't mean to you. Maybe just that she shaved her eyebrows off and drew them on or her hair smells like that really nasty odor you smell
On occasion driving through Grants Ferry/Castlewoods early in the morning or just at dusk. I just hope you feel that "meh it's just not her" feeling...I mean obviously you will
DUH! Well sugar, I'm about to call it a night but know I'm praying for you as always. May you be successful and productive this week at work. May you be highly
Favored and blessed beyond measure. May you be relieved of any sickness, stress, pain, and doubt you may be going through. I pray that you are surrounded with Christians friends and family who lift you up and encourage your walk with the Lord (He's trying to walk ya on down here to me if you'll
Pay attention). I love you and until we meet stay safe, keep the faith, and an abundance of joy! 

Love, 
Your future wife 
~Ashley~

#DearFutureHusband #LoveLetters 

Monday, January 11, 2016

WarZone



There are these rare moments where I lie awake and just bathe in the brokenness I feel. I can turn it off and on now. After all these years of endurance I've just sort of come to understand it. The pain feels like home. I'm very happy but deep down inside there is shrapnel. There are scars. They tell stories that can paralyze me. I've learned to overcome the warzone of my heart. I've become a survivor. The exchange of shallow pleasantries here and there ease the loneliness but it's no cure. My soul craves deep connections. There's a raging passion for life just clawing for a chance to devour anyone who desires to get close to me. It's so exhausting that I've tried to starve it. We feed the things we want to keep alive. This thing inside of me is self sufficient and can't be smothered nor starved. It demands to be felt. It will seek and destroy to meet its needs. I've learned that it speaks to the storms in others.  Maybe I'm searching for words to bleed my heart of what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm fighting everything inside of me that aches because I love the impossible. Maybe I'm broken and hurting. Maybe I punish myself with toxic men. Maybe it's karma because God knows I loathe those who would've given me their lives. I know that I've left a wake of broken hearts who to this day would welcome me to break them all over again. Maybe I arm men with weapons and hand them the bullets because my heart has always been at war. Oh the beautiful massacre of heartache that I find ironically comforting. Maybe I want someone to lay down their gun, take the bullets from
My hand and love me past my pain. Maybe I want them to break through the walls I build, follow me when I run away and tell
Me that the war is over and while I may always have battle scars they're never going to leave me alone again. That love can be unconditional and as much as I try to make them hate me they'll just love me that much more. Then one day I will wake up and realize that I'm safe. #Love #Warzone #Pain