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Monday, February 24, 2014

Just get to me

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?” -Nicholas Sparks

When I think about "The One" I'm not picturing a bed of roses and dinners by candlelight. I'm thinking of doing the most ordinary things in life with the most extraordinary person in it. I picture waking up in the morning and kissing his face. I warm his towel in the dryer before he steps out of the shower so he's warm. I hear him pick on my messy morning hair as I'm brushing my teeth trying not to smile. I think of sweet texts to send him throughout the day so he knows that he's coming home to a woman who cant wait to kiss his lips and feel his arms. I see us dancing in the kitchen and cooking simple meals together. We discuss our day and laugh at the kids. As he tells me funny stories he's heard at work I'm somewhere lost in his eyes. We cuddle on the couch and argue over the TV playfully. He lays his head in my lap and I run my fingers through his hair. We go to bed and make love. I scratch his back just the way he likes while watching the ripples of chill bumps surface all over his body. I say my prayers at night counting my blessings and thanking the Lord above for sending such a man into our lives. We wake the next morning and the simplicity of this love is renewed once again. Just when I think I can't love him any deeper he smiles at me and says my name like only he can and I find my heart falling all over again. I know you're out there. I know you're lonely. You're so tired of the games and dating and the endless disappointments. You're beginning to doubt if I exist but I'm shouting through the heavens s that angels whisper in your ear that I'm right here. I'm right here waiting for you. I don't care how you get to me just get to me. Until then I love you and I can't wait to meet you and spend the rest of my life making up for all this time we are presently losing.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)

Remembering Last Spring

The weather in Mississippi is about as fickle as a southern woman. One day we may be in flip flops and the next school is cancelled due to snow. Well the warm weather returned yesterday and it was nice. I was driving and had my windows down and my radio up as usual. A familiar song came on my iTunes playlist. "Dayum Baby" by Florida Georgia line. Any other time I may have skipped it because I wore that entire CD out last spring. Ah ha! Last spring. This is why I'm smiling. It's crazy how a song can take you back to a moment. This time it was extra nice because the weather was the same as well. I remember feeling so free last spring. I wore my sundresses and flip flops with big glasses and blasting FGL through the speakers as I drove down backroads smiling and singing. Spring always brings happiness doesn't it? It always welcomes us like vikings out of the gloomy and dark winter as if we were just returning home from this cold and dreary place. Spring will always feel this way. Spring will also be a reminder of the pain I experienced last year. 

As Easter approaches I think of Jesus dying for our sins and his burial in the tomb. After three days he rose again and the tomb was empty. He loved us so much that he died for us to be free. There is no greater love than a man who lays down his life. I don't talk about my soldier who was killed very often. People don't understand. They don't get it. We met online. How could I possibly fall for someone online? It doesn't matter what they think. Maybe I fell for the idea of him. Obviously I didn't know him all that well because after his death I found out he had been married the entire time. I have no answers to questions. I have no closure except the closure I've given myself. In spite of his circumstances or need to talk to me I still fell for who he said he was. I fell for something and it was taken away. I'm allowed to grieve that. It's ok to be broken over that. It's ok to feel pain because I was deceived and left to pick up the pieces alone. The truth is whether he died or lived he didn't belong to me. I faced that alone. I have a friend who is a marine vet and he shows me tough love. I need it. When I have my moments he says "Get over it. The man was a sorry cheater. He led you on and cheated on his wife." This is hard to swallow when someone is dead but at the same time its necessary to move on. I still can't listen to certain songs about soldiers not coming home. I still hurt when I see movies that are related. Part of me admits that I have tried to seemingly replace him in the past. 

People ask why I seem to date more servicemen than other men. Its not complicated. Its just that most of the ones I date have the traits and personality I'm looking for. They have structure and discipline. They are respectable. They make me proud to support them. They are manly and they are charming. They also slightly intimidate me. They take control and lead me. We all know gender roles is my soap box. Well servicemen tend to think the same way I do about the man taking the lead role in a relationship. They are fearless and they protect me. I've spent my entire life loving men who could care less what happens to me on a daily basis. I gave those men everything I had inside of me and they let me down. I want to feel safe emotionally and physically. Just as I mentioned earlier there is no greater love than a man who lays down his life for his friends. If there is any man on earth worth respect it is a serviceman who fearlessly protects not only those he loves but strangers who take it for granted. This is why I tend to date servicemen. I've finally reached a place in my life where I am happy and the things of my past are simply stories of triumph. They are learning tools and lessons learned. So as spring tip toes in around me,I welcome the new growth. I am searching for a new job and I know that love is in my future. I live daily with hope and expectancy. 

Friday, February 14, 2014

Poems from my Youth

I was talking about my writing with a friend today and told them I still had my journal since I was 13. I was such a deep thinker even back then. I can't say my hair was on point but we won't go there. I was an 80-90's kid. I want to share some of the things I wrote during that time of my life. 

I wrote a poem as if I were Juliet crying for help prior to her suicide with Romeo.
Juliet's voice within
Like the envious world that hath I've bestowed upon
give me a life of ultimate rapture and rebellion
Give me love for I want nothing more
When I need a way out show me the door
Kill me twice so my soul cant bleed
Give me no love when I am in need
Hold me not and kiss me no more
Rejection hath better circumstance to rise than before
So to this life I drink to thee
A girl who killed herself 
Woe is me

Not sure if this was written specifically for anyone.
I just don't know
The mountain of stone; the door of steel
can stand in my way I'd still go on
Brutal machines unbending laws
can slow me down
I'd still go on
I've learned how to deal and when to fight
I know whats real and I know whats right
I'm not afraid of wounded love
I can be tender in a world so tough
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
but life without you 
I just don't know
The winds of the heart can blow me down
Id get right up and stand my ground
I face the fears 
Must I shed my faith?
The wasted tears of love and pain
I held you tight then pushed you away
Now with all my might 
I beg you to stay
I'm sure I cold face the bitter cold 
but life without you
I just don't know

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Another bump in the road: I'm still ok

I'm really happy these days. I made a choice to be happy in spite of things. I was laid off from my job and that terrified me. I was devastated and wondering how I would take care of my children. I allowed myself to cry for a moment but I picked myself up and realized that God provides. He often takes something away to free our hands to receive something better. I was driving down Hwy 25 the next day after picking up a few groceries and I just praised God for who he was. I smiled as I looked around me and realized that life is beautiful. Every time I have felt hopeless I have been OK. Hope is never lost it is only misplaced and misguided. If you put your hope in the Lord he will never fail you. Knowing this means you are never hopeless but you are always hopeful. Hope is what keeps me going. Hope has fueled my conquest for love. Hope has given me the strength to face day after day. I live my life with expectancy now. I live my life knowing that I am blessed and I expect favor each day. It's exciting to wake up with this in your heart. God has provided a way for me and I can be home at the same time. You see bad things will always happen in life but we must focus on the reasons to be happy and smile. Your happiness is based on perception. There will always be bad and there will always be good. Whatever you choose to dwell on so be it.

 I met a man online a while back and we chatted as friends for a long time. We just joked around and called each other names. It was carefree and we had no expectations. As time went on he shared with me that he was developing feelings. We started talking on the phone and he said his feelings were getting stronger. Up until this point I had not entertained the thought and I had a wall up even after he shared with me. This was a man who wasn't very emotive. He suffered with PTSD and TBI something that isn't foreign to me. I allowed him to be himself as I would anyone. He found comfort in that and shared things with me. He started making plans about our future and wanted to find a home together when he retired from the Army this August. I dropped my guard and realized this man was serious. He spoke to my children and really just convinced me he wanted to be my forever. I was praying one morning for clarity and asking God to really show me who this man was and within an hour I got a text from his wife who was distraught that he was cheating. I was so hurt that I allowed this to happen to me again. He was so convincing. I walked away but he reached out and told me he couldn't tell her he wanted a divorce until retirement and once he retired he was leaving and meant every word he said to me. Maybe you read my post about my hard rules but the #1 rule is lying to me. He lacks integrity in spite of the circumstances this cannot work. I could dwell on the fact that I have been deceived by men and led on so many times its unfathomable or I can realize that it happened and move on just as I have done in the past. Sometimes quickly and sometimes life seemed to drag me kicking and screaming until I realized what was going on. 

When things like this happen to me now it doesn't tear my world apart because it's only an addition to my life. I'm complete. I'm whole. I am a grown woman who knows what she wants in life. Whether is love or a job or anything people come into your life for a reason. It may be forever or it may be a season. You have to love yourself before you can be successful in any relationship. You control how others treat you by what you allow. You also control how you feel by where you place your focus. I have people tell me I'm a strong woman because of all the heartache I've endured yet I keep on moving. This is how I do it. I may shed tears and I may have moments of weakness where I throw a pity party for one! I may scream and shout and reflect on the things that have been done to me but at the end of the day I am wiser because of it. I'm ok and I will always be ok.