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Saturday, March 14, 2015

Love has never broken our hearts


Sometimes I write with a story to tell and to deliver some meaningful life lesson. Sometimes I lie down and thoughts flood my mind like a broken dam. I could lie awake and ponder thoughts all night without ever having them escape the place they originated or I could release them into the world with the freedom to be just what they are. My random thoughts. 

I think about the man in my life and how I allowed myself to get swept away at first and how I have since regained my footing. His heart smelled like fresh dirt full of hope and potential and there I was waiting for the harvest. Who know's what will grow but the anticipation is enough to make my heart smile and that is all I really care about at the moment. I don't want to know the certainties in life like most people seem to do. I simply know what I want and I'm enjoying the journey as I get there. 

I have realized that a lot of our personal struggles are between our heart and head. Most often we wonder if its fear holding us back or intuition. We are sometimes forced to let go of things because holding on seems foolish and while that stings the worst part is when you know its everything you've ever wanted. People say what is meant to be will be but I don't agree. I believe what is meant to be still requires effort and it's never easy. God knows nothing worthwhile is ever easy but its so worth it. 

I see so many beautiful people sitting stagnant while the world keeps spinning. They are frozen with fear and their feet are cemented in bitterness. They have allowed their past to hold them captive. Never again will they be broken. Never again will they allow anyone to get close. Never again will they risk falling apart because they know how long it took to put themselves back together. What they fail to see is that love can heal wounds so painful that the scars will remain forever. What they fail to understand is that love is stronger than pain. Love is the very antidote to the heartache. Love comes in like a sledgehammer to break loose the cement of bitterness. It comes with a raging fire so hot that it melts the frozen apprehension that fear has plagued you with. The very thing that broke you was not love. Love is never negative. What broke you was deceit, unfaithfulness, anger, abuse, indifference, neglect, and disrespect. Love is the exact opposite of these things but the problem is that for so long they hid behind a mask. They disguised themselves as love. They embodied someone that we trusted with everything we are and that host inflicted these things on us until we were destroyed by what we thought was love. 

Stop running from Love. Love is your only hope to restore all that was lost. What you do need to learn first is what love actually is. Love is not butterflies and passion. It is not lying awake missing someone all night. It isn't sweet notes and gifts. It isn't kissing in the rain. It isn't dancing in the kitchen. It isn't in an embrace. These are all things we feel when we are infatuated. Infatuation is the emotion we feel and refer to it as being "In love". Love is a verb. Love is an action word. Love is a choice that we make when these feelings are the last thing we feel. Love is a choice when the person isn't being very lovable. Love is saying I choose you today and tomorrow and next week and forever because I love you IN SPITE OF not BECAUSE OF. I will never stop choosing you. It isn't based on a merit system. It isn't earned. It is unconditional. It never hurts you. 

Once you understand what love is then it's easy to recognize what it isn't. You then walk away from anything disguising itself as love. People can say anything. Words can roll off the tongue like a smooth bourbon and you'll find yourself drunk on expectations. Pay attention to how they treat you. Pay attention to how they treat others. Pay attention to who they really are and you will know in your heart and your mind if you want it more than you fear it. I can't promise someone will never break your heart again but I can promise you that you'll never find true love if you give up and become stagnant. 

Friday, March 6, 2015

Time for stepping back





After writing my post about praying for this man and being there for him I battled with this pain in my heart of needing him. It was such a conflict of what I feel is selfishness on my part and selflessness. I want to be there for him but at the same time I don’t want to be a fool. I feel like it would be emotionally unhealthy. He did lead me on. He did make me think that this was going somewhere. He did look me in my eye and even now he says he meant everything. I asked him the important question. I asked if he had been or is talking or seeing other women. He said yes. HE. SAID. YES. There you have it. I give 100% and I can handle emotions and stress. I can handle anything a man may be running from but I refuse to give 100% to someone who is spreading himself thin to keep from emotionally investing in one person. That isn’t fair. Yes my heart breaks but deep down I felt it and didn’t want to face it. As I said before I don’t know why he was sent into my life but this doesn’t mean I will discontinue praying for him or caring. I will simply remove myself as one of his options and pray from a safe distance. I do have to keep myself in a healthy place emotionally. Timing sucks in life sometimes and I don’t blame him. He doesn’t know what he wants or needs right now and until he does he can’t offer me the stable healthy relationship I am seeking. Who knows? Maybe down the road we reconvene but for now I won’t put my life on hold for someone who is exploring other options as well.  So there you have it. Classic example of me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I love hard and I get hurt but I’m alive. I am breathing. I may be barely breathing at the moment as I fight the tears back at my desk but I am breathing. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. There will be a life lesson to be learned from this I know and maybe it isn’t my lesson to learn. Maybe I was to plant a seed inside of him that will grow into something later. As long as I keep the faith that God is using me then nothing is in vain. I am tired and sometimes my strength doesn’t show but again I won’t give up on love.  It is the greatest thing ever. 

To be continued…

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Sweetheart I pray for you

                                             

Well after being swept off my feet and let down I had a real moment of clarity over the past couple of days. I accept my defeats with grace but that doesn't mean I don't hurt. I've never hidden my emotions from those of you who know me or who follow my blog.

I never use names in my blog so we shall call him "Jack" and I laugh as I type that. Only he and I would get that but it's from the movie "Tropic Thunder". Anyway "Jack" and I talked after this emotional roller coaster slowed down. I have blogged about how men cope with emotions and sorting their feelings out yet it seems to escape my mind like fireflies when the top is off of the mason jar. I gave him space to sort out his feelings and in my mind I had a million thoughts about why he ran away and became distant. The fact is he just needed reflection. He is so overwhelmed with all that he is dealing with in his life right now.

That is when a bold resolve gripped me by the shoulders and I knew my role as a woman in any relationship. I am to pray for this man and support him selflessly. I don't know that he is the one that God has in his will for me but at the same time I don't know that he isn't. Regardless my focus is to remain on God's love for me and as a Christian woman I am to pray for him diligently. I pray for my future husband day and night.

I pray for "Jack". I let him know I am here for him to talk to and to be a shoulder. I am here to edify him when the world seems to thumb him down. I am here to remind him that he is a wonderful man of God and he is loved and he has a purpose. I am here to cheer him on as he fights the fight of faith. He appreciates that and my heart breaks for him. I wish I could take all the stress away and make it better but this is his journey. This is where he grows. I always thought I would meet the one and it would effortlessly unfold before me like the pages of every fairy tale I've ever read.

I know a woman who knew in her heart who her husband was before he knew. She was broken but she prayed. She said most often the women know before the man and it is our role to simply be patient. It is my place to prepare myself to be the wife he deserves. It is my place to focus on God as he primes us for the future. It is my place to love. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

He came back to me. He opened up and poured out his thoughts and feelings. He confessed that everything he said looking into my eyes was true. He simply didn't know how to process everything at once and he had to remove himself from the chaos and reflect. He feels vulnerable. How raw and beautiful is that? How blessed am I to be given such a precious gift! God knows his heart deserves a strong woman who will patiently walk beside him until he no longer feels fear.

I love with all I am because it is he only way to love. I don't care about the risk because that is acknowledging fear. Fear is not of God it is of the devil. I have faith in the Lord that he will restore all of the years both "Jack" and I have been broken in loveless relationships. The Lord is so faithful and he is a God of abundance. He blesses us beyond anything we can ever imagine. I am sharing this with you all because I want you to follow and see how God moves if you allow him to. I want the world to know the power of love and faith.

To be continued...