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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Timing, Chemistry and Conquest

Dear Past: Thanks for the lessons.  Dear Future: I'm ready.  Love, Ashley  

I'm realizing that what I'm looking for is out there. There are men who meet the qualities I'm seeking. I'm starting to think the issues are timing, chemistry, and conquests. I meet men who have everything I'm looking for but we may not have a spark or chemistry when we meet. One of us does and the other doesn't. I've met men who weren't emotionally available because of marriage or mental blocks due to a painful past. I've met men who are everything I need and the chemistry is there for both BUT they simply aren't ready to settle right now. Everything has to line up perfectly for it to work and that is a challenge. I refuse to settle until I know everything is in perfect alignment. This will happen when it happens. Someone recently told me about the "Red String Theory". That two people are connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This myth is similar to the Western concept of soul mates or a destined flame. I found that very romantic and hopeful. I've always used the term "Hopeless Romantic" but there is nothing hopeless about romance. Hope is what keeps us moving forward in life and thriving. When all hope is lost you are dead. You are no longer alive. I've learned enough to know what men need. Most married men that cheat will tell you they aren't appreciated at home, their wife doesn't make them feel needed/wanted, and they don't feel like a man at home. Make a man feel like he is the only man alive and respect him for being the leader and provider of the home. Appreciate him for everything he does and submit to him completely. In return he will adore you and appreciate you for that. He will do anything to hold on to that feeling. He will not want to disappoint the person who looks up to him in every way and depends on him. At the same time you offer a support role. You are his cheerleader and no matter what he does you trust his decision that it is right. Even if you doubt you follow. I feel like I'm all packed and prepared for a lifelong journey and I'm just waiting now for the destination and travel partner.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I wont apologize

I've learned to never settle for whats pratical or smart Chase your dreams because you only get one chance to..
I haven’t blogged in a while and I need to release. I found myself entertaining the possibility that I’m getting close to finding what I’ve been looking for. That was quickly interrupted by the stabbing sensation in my chest brought on by disappointment and deception. It seems those two things and I have become rather fond of one another lately. The truth is I’m not a runner. I realized that. I don’t run when I meet someone I want. I fight for that. I don’t give up unless I know that I’ve given it all I have. The problem hasn’t been with me running from good men. The truth is that even though some men are good they may not be for me. That’s only because I know what I want and don’t want. I won’t settle. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.  I won’t apologize for that.

Monday, July 8, 2013


 “Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn't matter whether you're the lion or a gazelle-when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.”-Christopher McDougal

“I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
”-Jared Kintz

I had an epiphany! I'm a runner. This is a fact. I don't know why I do it. It's contradicting to everything I claim to want. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I don't. I chase impossible men because I want to prove something. I know that nothing worthwhile is ever easy therefore the challenge entices me. I run away from good men for God only knows why. I'm told I will be alone forever if I don't stop running. I realized this is true. If I don't stop running from the good ones I will be lonely. If I don't stop running towards the ones I'll never catch I will be lonely. Either way I have to stop. Its scary. I don't want to commit. I don't want to settle because I'm afraid I don't trust myself. After the pain I've put myself through by choosing the wrong men I cant take that chance again. I'd rather be alone that make the wrong decision so unless the feeling is overwhelming I can't settle. I just don't know how to stop running.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


It really amazes me that I've prayed, begged and pleaded for mercy lately. For  months I've pined over a man who I really didn't know. I thought I knew who he was as a person. He was the standard I held men to. He was the reason that my love life had gotten so complicated. He never reciprocated these feelings. I started feeling like I'd never find a man like him. In this process I dismissed so many great men. I had this wall up because I really just wanted to see what he and I could be.  He left me with intrigue. I wanted to know more about him. I didn't understand why he didn't fall for me. I didn't understand why he rejected me. It wasn't something I was accustomed to. I am enigmatic therefore I'm attracted to others that are a challenge as well. Finally I accidentally got my answers. He is married. He lied to me. I thought he was different from the rest but the truth is all men are the same. My guard is so high now. I'm jaded and I'm bitter yet my passion doesn't die. I'm happy that I can finally let go of the notion that one day he may have came around and felt something for me. This was the answer I was looking for. I got the message in a dream last week but I didn't process it completely until now. It was a premonition. All this time I was a fool. I'm a bit angry. I can't take my broken heart out on every man. It wasn't he that hurt me. It was me that hurt me. Ive always been the source of my heartache. I am naive. I am trusting. I am thirsty for something that's always been missing and I'd give anything to fill the void. This is not who I am. I am not acting like the girl I know. I am a spitfire. I have gumption. I don't tolerate deception. I command respect. I know who I am. I have to get her back. I will admit my first instinct was to slay the hearts of men to take my anger out. This always happens to me. I go after men who are a challenge. Impossible men because I think if I can make them love me then I'm worth loving. I feel like I'm running 100mph just waiting for someone to stop me dead in my tracks and tell me those days are over. I allowed him to tell me that I lived in a fairytale world. I just keep holding out for it YET it sickens me at the same time. I'm moving slow because I'm hurt. Its going to be hard to love me. I will push and pull because I will fight it but eventually I will give in and love someone more than they could ever imagine. They just have to tame my broken heart. I don't know that any man wants to piece me back together. Who wants that challenge? I can't blame anyone for walking away. I just know the one who doesn't let me run will be worth it and so will I. When you clean all this dirt off of me and make me new again I will shine for you. I just got shaken by this one more than I've been shaken before. Now I question my own judgement. I don't want to hurt anyone. It happens unintentionally. I do know that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and I'm worth the effort. I know the love I feel deep down is beyond comprehension. I don't offer it to just anyone. I can't describe what I'm looking for but I know what I want. I will know it the first time we are together. I'm not one for second dates IF we even make it to the first one. I either feel it when I meet someone or I don't. Maybe that's not right. Maybe I need to stop being so scared and just breathe...that's what I said when I first started talking to "him" when he said he wasn't looking for anything. I had decided to not speak to him anymore because I knew me yet this little voice said do something different this time. Just get to know someone even if you see red flags. That little voice should be chloroformed and buried alive!