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Saturday, November 29, 2014

Some things demand to be felt

I was listening to the lyrics of "Wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus (an acoustic cover on youtube by another artist). The lyrics permeated me. "I never meant to start a war. I just wanted you to let me in" hurts so bad to have to walk away from people who once made us feel amazing. It hurts to accept the fact that our expectations fell short. It hurts less when we realize we are merely disappointed that we have yet to find the one we expected them to live up to. This fictitious love in our minds that holds every lover accountable as it checks the list to see if they measure up.

I recently read a post about people who become cold because of heartbreak. They shut themselves off emotionally to avoid being vulnerable. The problem is that they aren't shut off emotionally. They still feel but they've learned to hide it. Not everyone is as successful at hiding it as others. Some people play on this vulnerability. We live in a selfish world. I don't understand why some people feed their demons with the hearts of people they manipulate and deceive. All I know is that I have been broken more times than I can count yet I keep going back for more.

I once smiled and flirted fearlessly without any strategy or hidden motive. There was a time where I didn't think past tomorrow I simply danced the night away enjoying the few hours before sunrise as if they were my last. There was a time when I fell hard and fast but I showed  it. I said what came to my mind straight from the heart and I fought for what I wanted. I didn't accept no for an answer. I knew what I wanted and I didn't care how I got it within reason. I don't know how to live fearlessly when everything inside of me is gun shy now. I try to "play the game" and abide by the rules but where is it getting me? Yes I'm always positive and yes I even know what advice to give to myself but damn can't we just be human for a moment and accept the fact that sometimes we get tired. Sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I ache inside of my chest simply because a memory floods my mind and I would give anything to feel it again. The thing about heartbreak is that is demands to be felt.

I don't ask for much. I hear so often how I'm such a good woman and I'm asked how I'm single. The truth is I'm selective and I won't apologize for having standards and boundaries at this stage in my life. I wasted so much time with the wrong men. I'm simply tired and emotionally drained. Its ok to want those moments of feeling like a teenager again. Its ok to miss someones face the instant they leave. Its ok to crave someones touch. It's ok to need to be kissed. Its ok to want to be spun around the dance floor as if no one is watching. It's ok to want all these amazing things I've felt in my life at some point. It's ok to collectively miss all the moments where love were like a drug to me. Its normal to crave it again. I don't have to reassure myself that I will feel it again because I will many times. The problem is that I fear its departure before I ever give it a chance to take flight and I don't know how to jump without fear anymore. At times I have no choice and others I'm afraid I may sabotage on purpose.

I typically conclude my posts with some positive connotation but today I have nothing. I'm simply stating the truth and revealing my fears. You feel them too or you have felt them. I don't have to always have the answers. Sometimes its ok to not know why I feel a certain way. Today is just one of those days.