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Monday, October 27, 2014

He knows my name

I love this song! In spite of a world hell bent on conforming me to what it thinks I should be I know who I am and I am chosen! He designed me from nothing. I have a purpose. I am loved. I love. I am covered in grace and extend it to others! Amen!

I'm not meant to just stay quiet. I'm meant to be a lion. I'll roar beyond a song with every moment that I've got!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Guarding my Heart

The words of my last post have marinated my mind since I read them. I am forced to look at who I really am. I am reluctant to open those wounds. There are doors I have locked away for the sake of survival. I do not nor will I ever live as a victim. I think sometimes without realizing it we simply numb our wounds and move along so that we don't even have time to feel the pain. The problem with not properly dressing them is that they leave lasting scars. With every fingertip tracing it across my skin I am reminded of it's story. With every footstep across my heart I am blinded by it's existence. I have no choice but to open those wounds so that I may explain.

As a baby my mother gave me to her parents for adoption. She said she wasn't stable and they could provide a better home to me. They did. I am thankful but once I became a mother it weighed on me. I could never walk away from my children. I would do whatever it took to take responsibility and provide them with a safe and loving home just as I have done. I wondered why I wasn't enough or how she could walk away from me.  I want you to read these words again before I go on:

“how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?

how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 

When I read this I sobbed. I have spent my entire life trying to prove that I am worthy of acceptance and love to those who seemingly didn't give it to me. I became obsessed with just those people until I made them see who I really was. This was so unhealthy yet I never realized I was doing just that until now. I even blogged about my fear of "Not being enough". I dated and married men who I had to change for and work for to be what they wanted. I was never enough yet I thought that by making them love me that somehow I could prove to myself that I was worthy. Those that freely extended their affections didn't interest me because surely it was easy to be loved by desperate people. These ideas in my mind poisoned me and I have been living my life chasing after unattainable people seeking this validation. I was abused in so many ways by people who were supposed to love and protect me. Emotional and verbal abuse leaves scars that cannot go untreated. I simply moved on as if they never happened and chalked it up to strength.  I have confidence and standards yet I long for love and this is detected whether I think I am hiding it or not. 
It wasn't until I broke free of that abuse and discovered that I matter. I found my self worth. I know what I deserve. I know who I am. I have established boundaries and standards in my life and will not allow anyone to treat me badly.  The problem is that I have not broken the desire that I find in unattainable or emotionally unavailable men. I am still so drawn to these men HOWEVER I now refuse to be mistreated therefore my entire love life has been one failure after another. That is why I have not been in a relationship since my divorce. There have been men offering everything I'm looking for yet that "chemistry" isn't there for me. Could it be that this "chemistry" is that hidden desire to have one of these clearly unattainable men fall for me? I'm not saying it is. I'm simply saying that I attract impossible men like a moth to a flame or they attract me....hence the burn. 
Last night and this morning I gave this God. I prayed and I let go of the stronghold in my life. It is not up to me to identify this problem in my life. I simply have to give it to God and have faith that he will restore me and guide me in the future to not make the same mistakes again. Life is about growing and learning. Unfortunately most of these things are obtained through painful circumstances.  As men have rejected me for physical reasons or simply because they only wanted sex I had began to feel like I was not worthy of real love. I had began to think that I was not enough. I have watched these men get into meaningful relationships right after leading me on and letting me down and I allowed Satan to whisper "See you weren't good enough", "See your mother left you, your husband left you for another woman, you have no one because something is wrong with you" ....As strong as I thought I was and as together as I know I am somehow his lies seeped in and subconsciously broke me down. That ends TODAY. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am enough. I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I still refuse to settle but I do know that I cant make a home out of a person and I can't ever allow anyone's perception of me to alter who I really am. I don't have to fear love. I don't have to fear failure. Most importantly just because someone doesn't see my worth doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I hide it in my heart along with my faith, grace and an overabundance of love to share. I will guard my heart in the future!
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

Friday, October 24, 2014

A paralyzingly self discovery

That moment you read something and feel as if it were written about you. How could anyone on earth possibly know this intimate detail of my mind? I have to read more. I have to research this author and the book. The truth in these words are the daily struggle of my soul. The war rages between these two daily and it is torment that I bare alone

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

What about right now?

Why do we hide our scars? Why do we cover them with dense smiles and shallow pleasantries? Why do we lie awake at night recounting everything we could've done differently and planning for things that may never happen? It seems like our lives are so caught up in the turmoil of our past and declarations for our future that we forget about the present. Are we actually living our lives? Are we pausing to look around us and take in those moments for what they are? It seems we spend our days planning for tomorrow and trying to correct the mistakes of the day before. Could it be this is where happiness is truly found?

You know how easy it is to overlook something when you're looking for it? People say you'll find it when you stop looking. Well maybe we should stop spending our day rehashing the past or worrying about the future. Maybe we should wake up everyday and commit to living it as if it were our last. It could very well be our last. We are never promised tomorrow. If we could only apply that same faithfulness to other areas of our life. We expect to wake up in the morning. When we sit down for dinner we expect the chair to hold us. When we climb out of bed we expect the floor to be there beneath our feet as we stand. Why can we not expect favor and blessing tomorrow? Why can we not expect tomorrow to be the day we meet the love of our life or finally get that breakthrough we have been praying for?

Some people will argue that those things are constant and never failing. They're backed by logic and science. How often have you overslept the next morning?  How often have you sat on furniture that was broken and it gave with you? How often have you lost your balance when you stood up and fell? These are just occasional mishaps you say? You're exactly right yet you still hang on to the faith in these things. Life is the same way so you have no excuse. We get knocked down. We hurt. We are wronged. We wrong others. We make mistakes. We move on. We grow. We learn. Therefore enjoy today for everything it brings because tomorrow will bring an agenda all of its own.

 This is why I wear my heart on my sleeve. This is why I share who I am. I put myself out there because I want to be remembered for who I am. I am that southern girl full of gumption who knew to feel great love you have to risk it all. You can play on the safe side if you wish but you're just surviving you aren't really living. I've been taking chances lately and I've been knocked down almost every time but it makes me stronger. I could focus on negative and claim that I can't trust anyone. I could shut people out because of deception. I could keep my thoughts to myself. I would never feel butterflies. I would never wake up with hope of a phone call. I would never lose sleep just to text for hours. I would never dance in the kitchen because I'm smitten. I would never learn things about people that I may never have know otherwise. I may never feel the sting of a broken heart just to feel it heal again. I am living my life. Maybe we could all find what we are looking for if we stop hiding those scars and let someone love us.