Dear Future Husband 8.11.16

Dear future husband,

I apologize that it has been a while since I've last written.  Any time that I have had to myself has been spent resting. These boys certainly keep a momma on her toes! Please know that I still pray for you and claim favor and blessing over you daily. Lately I have found myself day dreaming about our lives together and what that will be like.  I like to imagine waking up early to cook breakfast for you and the boys before you head off to work. I think about the mornings you seem to be in a rush and I hastily prepare your lunch and iron your clothes while you shower. I imagine you kissing me before you rush out of the door knowing you'll be greeted by the same lips when you get home. I think about the conversations we will have at night when we are relaxing on the couch or lying in bed. I ponder the plans we will make and the projects we will work on together.  I think about rubbing your back when you've had a bad day or simply just because. I think about sweet moments where you'll bring flowers home or surprise me with a lunch date at work.

There are so many things that I could dream about but none may go exactly as I have imagined. Our lives are full of possibility and memories just waiting to be made. I want to be the love you want to be in. I want to be the person you retreat to when the day is long and the world is cold. I want to be your sunny day and the one you lean on. I want to do everything in my power to be the woman you fell in love with from day one. I never want to be one of those mediocre couples living mundane lives wishing things were different. Things will always be what you make of them. The scary part is that is takes two people who both want the same thing and are willing to both put forth the effort to keep the marriage cultivated and alive. That is what I want from you someday. I want a husband who places our marriage as his top priority second only to his relationship with God.

I know what I am willing to give to you and I just pray that you are willing to give me the same. I have faith that you will be an amazing husband to me and a father to my boys. I have faith that you will be the one who protects us and leads us in love. I have faith that you will never stop courting me and making me feel special.  I have faith that you will give me the security of knowing that I am the only woman you will ever want or need. I have faith that I will be enough for you and you will be enough for me.

I pray that God will reveal you to me everyday but until that day comes I will keep praying blessings over you. I will continue to prepare my heart and my life to be the wife that you deserve and a mother to my boys. I will study God's word to be a Proverbs 31 woman and I will focus on the direction God is leading me in my life. I have faith that he is leading you and I closer to one another every day.

I love you and I hope you have sweet dreams.

Your future wife,
Ashley

Dear Future Husband 6.13.16

Monday, June 13, 2016

Dear Future Husband,

Good afternoon sweet potato! I hope your Monday is wonderful and filled with favor. I hope it didn’t come too quickly after a well spent weekend. I hope you are sitting there pondering what our lives will be like when we are together and all of the memories we will make.  I’ve certainly been daydreaming about it lately. 

I had to really take a step back and realize how quickly I could find you. Every date we go on is a 50/50 chance that we could find one another. It’s a 50% chance that it will be our last first date and last first kiss. I don’t care about being your first because we are older and we have probably both seen our share of love and heartbreak but I care about being your last.  I care about being your happily ever after. I want you to be the end of my story and the beginning of OUR story. I care about the excitement of our ONCE UPON A TIME. I care about keeping the butterflies alive from the moment they bust out of those cocoons inside. 

I want to be your “whatever” and I want to laugh with you. I want to keep your gaze. I want to flirt with you at 6am. I want to throw your towel in the drier while you shower so you’re warm and toasty. I want to surprise you with a shirt I bought for you even if you hate the color. I want to anticipate how we would spend our money when we hit it big with the lottery. I want to make shadow box after shadow box after shadow box for every single road trip we ever take.

I want to reach over and hold your hand when we are driving. I want to iron your clothes just like you like them. I want to make you feel like the only man alive because in my eyes you’re the only man I see. I know you’re out there. I know my hand will fit perfectly inside of yours. I know there’s a spot on your chest where my head was just destined to nuzzle. I know there’s a place for us. I know there is a story to be told. I know that it will be the greatest love story I have ever read. Until then my love, to be continued

Please know in your heart as I have always done and will always continue to do …I pray for you. I pray that your days are full of blessing. I pray for your strength. I pray for your health. I pray for your joy. I pray for your success. I pray that you are surrounded by family and friends who love and support you. I pray that you moisturize your little elbows too! ;)

Your future Wife,

Ashley

Dear Future Husband 5.15.16

Dear future husband,

Good evening sweet potato! I hope all is well in your little corner of the world...wherever that may be. I hope it's safe to assume your corner of the world isn't in Alabama. If you're in Alabama then darlin I pray that you're the exception because my travels have taken me through places that make me consider the idea of controlled procreation. Honey I am all about football and having team spirit but those Alabama people take it to a whole other level.  If you are from Alabama then please stop looking for me at your family reunion because you'll never get to me at that pace. Bless it.

I almost died this morning. YES. ALMOST DIED. I was driving down the Natchez Trace headed to a local brunch spot and there was an attractive jogger which may or may not have been you...well anywho...I was distracted by his manliness and the way the sunshine glistened off of his sweaty shoulders and out of nowhere BAM a deer ran out in front of me. I looked up just in time to slam on my brakes and was inches from Bambi III's significant other. I was like WHOA DOE! Actually it was more of a scream and then I cried thinking that could've been the moment I died. If that was you jogging then I hope you took a pic of my tag and plan on tracking me down this week.

Speaking of death...babe...I need to get into better shape. If I were murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle. They would "throw dat ass in a circle"... ok I tickled myself on that one. For real though...I need to get with it. I was training for my first 5k and didn't go to it this weekend. Technically it was due to lack of funds but I definitely would've died had I gone. I always meet people when I go running...which is more like jogging..ok walking fast. The people I meet are usually paramedics or concerned neighbors asking why Im lying on the side of the road and warning me that  may be struck by a car. I do however think being struck by a car would be less painful than running and you can just take that to the bank and cash it!

Well I've tried to be proactive about finding you. I am happy and content with my life but I do put myself out there on a little dating site. Sweetheart I just don't know what to think about society anymore. There are those that are super pushy and overwhelming who make me run away because they chase me. There are those that seem to throw more shade than an oak tree. There are those who seem to just like the idea of dating but are too preoccupied with window shopping. THEN there are the ones you can't make up if you tried. For example there is the military vet who led me to believe he had been deployed and just getting home only to find out he was a rapist who had just gotten out of prison which ended his military career. That is always comforting to find out AFTER dinner. There is also the one who seems absolutely normal and perfect on paper until a day before the date and don't answer my phone for an hour because Im at lunch with a girlfriend and I get back to my car to find 5 texts and 4 missed calls. The last one was cancelling  date and using ugly words. Now what in the world am I supposed to do with options like that? Do you see what you've exposed me to?! Crazy does, cardio, sex offenders and psycho hot heads! Your punctuality problem is hardly a flaw after all of that!

As always I pray for your life and your heart daily. I pray that God blesses you and your family and that he guides you to be the man he wants you to be. I pray for your wisdom and discernment. I pray for your health and happiness. I pray for your walk with the Lord as he leads you so you may lead our family someday. I pray that you are surrounded with christian friends and family who uplift you and support you daily. Until I hold you in my arms I will continue to hold you in my heart.

Good night sweetheart!

Love,
Your future Wife
Ashley

#dearfuturehusband #loveletters #love #futurewife

Be Careful

She enchants you with her enigmatic waves of emotion

intriguing you with her indifference

The way she smiles and seemingly stares into your soul

You want to be the one who figures out exactly who she is

Your words fall short to impress her

and she playfully dismisses your charm

You catch a glimpse here and there of pain in her eyes

but just like that she distracts you with a battle of wits

You feel a desire growing within you to know what shes thinking

it quickly grows into a wildfire consuming all logic

She reads to you incerpts until you beg to know every chapter

She is the type of girl who needs space to breathe

She needs room to fly

When she feels contained she gets frightened

She has felt pain no one should endure

She has heard words that have destroyed her faith in love

She has seen things that haunt her dreams at night

You find yourself loathing the day you ever met her

She's disappeared like a brief rain on a summer day

You think of her from time to time and search for her

In time she may land again and you'll have so much to say

She may explain who she is and why her walls are high

She may warn you that she's no good for you

You'll be helpless to listen and mistake it for fear

Your expectations and pursuit will drive you insane

You can't have a heart like hers. You may only hold it for a while.

You'll grow to hate her but for what? She told you who she was

Your conquest broke your heart not she.

Until Then

Write hard and clear about what hurts - Ernest Hemingway

I have been back and forth trying to decide what to say and how to make this post a positive life lesson but the truth is I'm just posting tonight to purge some things from my mind.  I was speaking with a friend the other night about writing and he said he didn't want to write because it would just seem so negative and that would make people feel worse. I actually think it helps people to simply know they aren't alone in how they feel whether we have some positive motivation that follows or not. When we talk about how we feel sometimes we just need someone to listen. We don't necessarily need advice or encouragement. We just need to purge it so it doesn't poison us. I think that conversation happened for 2 reasons. I think he may have taken something from it and somehow I was going to need to take my own advice. I have been sparing so much because I have come so far that I didn't want anyone thinking that I was not strong. The truth is I'm very strong. I'm very aware that storms come and they go but I am always ok. I am better than ok. I am stronger after every storm that I endure. You need rain to grow just as much as you need sunshine.

With that being said I just need to vent some feelings. Before I do please understand that I am aware of hormones and just day to day blues we sometimes get. I know who I am and what I stand for but I am simply spilling what I'm feeling these days.

We have discussed before how men compartmentalize sex and women struggle with that. I am lonely. I can admit that. I have prospects and I could be married if I wanted to but I wont settle until it feels right. So I'm lonely simply because the right one hasn't come along yet. There are times it hits me hard because I want to feel the butterflies and I want to be kissed. I want to spend an entire weekend in bed making passionate love. Well I've met men who don't even try to get to know me. They aren't looking for a connection they're looking for a hookup and that frustrates me. Then there are those who pretend to want a connection but they always find a way to redirect the conversation to their real agenda. Again I get frustrated. There are men who I connect with and they're looking for friends with benefits and I just can't risk that. I know I will catch feelings if I do so I avoid it. I have gotten to the point of disgust with it all. I'm not seeking these things out they're just there.

I realized where frustration and anger lies. Its my peeve of selfishness. My needs right now are for real connections and intimacy. I'm lonely and I want to connect with genuine people. Here these men are with their hands out wanting to take and take and take from me but they're unwilling to give me what I need in return. I have what they want and they have what I want but they're selfish with their heart or their feelings. They just want me to meet their needs and move along. Those feelings of not being worthy or enough surface. I know better but scars run deep. Words are never forgotten. The pain of feeling that love is not even offered and if so its absolutely conditional and I simply don't meet those conditions. Men are not even thinking this much into it. Its simple for them. They want it and they ask. They are not responsible for how it makes me feel inside. It isn't their fault that I am broken. I am not angry at them for that. I just don't give myself away. They don't understand this.

What I struggle with is the idea of "what if". What if I just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow and things develop out of a casual friends with benefits situation? Well that would be great but then What if I fall hard and I'm left to get over it or walk away because I was told what it was in the beginning? When you've been through the pain I've endured and you've pulled it together then the risk is higher. You aren't so willing to gamble. I may be lonely but I'm ok. I'm not heartbroken. I just can't bring myself to allow someone to use me and hope that my needs of intimacy are met in return. I just have so much more self worth than that.

I think another factor to consider is that I'm an INFJ personality type. I'm one of the rare people. I can read people and situations extremely accurately. I know when people have other agendas. I know how to read conversations and how people steer them to bring up certain topics. I know how people feel by how they reply or pay attention. I pick up on the things they notice and tune into. All of these context clues tell me who they are where their intentions lie. Those that intrigue me and want to figure me out are the ones that captivate me. I'm very passionate and I feel things deeply. I may be snarky and sarcastic. My humor is inappropriate at times. I may even appear to be shallow but I am not. All it takes to get to the center of my soul is to be genuine and have a desire to travel there. I will know if you are or aren't. I may not have any fact or proof to base my intuitions on but they're accurate and if something doesn't feel right I don't wait around to uncover it. I walk away.

When I do meet someone genuine and they're interested in me as well then I get my hopes up because it's so rare that it happens. When it doesn't pan out then I'm rightfully disappointed. What I have experienced in this department is that I'm not the chosen one. Adults date until they find someone who they can't get enough of. More often than not men chose someone else and months later they recycle back around and tell me they made a mistake. I will never allow myself to be an option. I couldn't fall for someone knowing I wasn't good enough the first time. I don't want you to just settle for 2nd best. I know when a man's response time slows down. I can sense the distance. I know when there is doubt. I feel the sting of short and simple texts just to keep me around until he figures this thing out. I just remove myself.

So there it is. Selfishness and Ingenuity are plaguing my life. They're the road block to every relationship in my life. Those 2 things and just the understanding that I'm not everyone's cup of tea or shot of whiskey. It's just a moment of feeling the distance between myself and the love of my life. It's knowing that he's out there somewhere and I'm here needing him in my life but frog after frog clutter my path. I'm not man hating. I know men go through this as well. I'm just frustrated because I have needs that I can't meet. I have a void that I can't fill on my own. I'm independent and I'm self sufficient but I need love and I'm not ashamed to say that. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry myself to sleep some nights because I want someone next to me. I'm not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve even if it looks like a coat of arms. I may be this spitfire brunette who has all the confidence in the world but I'm at a loss when it comes to this. Until then...

Dear Future Husband 2/23/16

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Dear Future Husband,

Good evening dollface. I am currently on a flight from Dallas to Jackson and I thought I would write to you. I spent the last few days at a business conference in Scottsdale, AZ. I had a Villa Suite at the Scottsdale Plaza Resort and I enjoyed the most amazing weather. I enjoyed drinks in the courtyard and had an amazing night on a ranch in La Puesta Del Sol. The landscape and the sky were absolutely breathtaking. As I travel I see different couples going on vacations together or returning home with their families. I wonder about your travels. I wonder if we have passed one another in a busy airport. I think about the vacations we will share in the future. I found myself studying the faces of those who walked by me or spoke to me. I met and networked with many people this week and I enjoyed laughter and intelligent conversations. I sometimes feel guilty that I’m not actively seeking you out but I have to remind myself that it’s not necessary. You’ll pursue me once we meet. When the time is right God will reveal us to one another. One of us may know before the other one does or it may be instantaneous. I think it will feel as though I traveled around the world the second that I lay eyes on you. You will be my forever vacation. You will be my getaway. You will be my amazing weather and drinks by the courtyard. You will be my everything. So tonight wherever you may be whether it be at home asleep in your bed or on a flight from somewhere out West headed down South...just know you are always in my thoughts and I pray for you daily. I pray for your health, your walk with the Lord, your success and your happiness. I pray for your family who supports you and that you are surrounded by Christian friends who are preparing you to be the leader of our home and the husband who will melt my very heart. 

Until then...I love you

Your future wife,

Ashley 

#DEARFUTUREHUSBAND #LOVELETTERS 

Dear Future Husband 1/26/2016

Dear future husband, 

Good evening sweet potato! I pray that you are well and staying warm wherever you may be. I was hoping for a little snow so I could dress up in Wings & a halo to go sledding down the hill near the overpass. Snow angels get their kicks too! So I took myself out this weekend because I said this year I'm going to get out more. I've sort of limited you to being the Central air/heat tech, Comcast tech, meter reader, pizza delivery guy or a Sunday morning grocery shopper. I'm

Pretty sure you weren't any of them although the fire department was in Kroger one morning and if you just so happened to be one of them then I'm certain we locked eyes. Of course by "locked eyes" I mean me staring until you caught me then awkwardly crashing my buggy into the rotisserie chicken display. I know what you were thinking too..."This graceful little good looking thing should be my girlfriend" then dispatch comes on and you're off to save some

Damsel in distress....or a 59year old white male complaining of chest pains, syncope, and blurred vision. Possible myocardial infarction. Wife says he's been this way all morning but fell getting in the car on the way to church (Not that I was even listening to a scanner to figure out where I would run into you again). All jokes aside babe you don't even have to be a fireman. I'm gonna adore you no matter what your occupation is. As long as there is an occupation. Jesus loves the unemployed. Yes HE does. Loves em as much as the employed people. I'm working on being more like Jesus so I met him half way and I love the employed. Ok ok I love all people but I used WWJD to know if Jesus would date someone who refuses to work and Jesus wouldn't so....there ya go. Well I'm sure you know Valentine's Day is coming up or what I like to refer to as Single awareness day which just happens to say "SAD". I just want you to know that you are my valentine whoever and wherever you may be in this world. I just sort of Hope you aren't taking some heifer out on a date that day because you think she might be me. I also hope you don't buy her fruit roll ups and flowers because she's not me. She doesn't deserve them. You'll see. I hope she isn't mean to you. Maybe just that she shaved her eyebrows off and drew them on or her hair smells like that really nasty odor you smell

On occasion driving through Grants Ferry/Castlewoods early in the morning or just at dusk. I just hope you feel that "meh it's just not her" feeling...I mean obviously you will

DUH! Well sugar, I'm about to call it a night but know I'm praying for you as always. May you be successful and productive this week at work. May you be highly

Favored and blessed beyond measure. May you be relieved of any sickness, stress, pain, and doubt you may be going through. I pray that you are surrounded with Christians friends and family who lift you up and encourage your walk with the Lord (He's trying to walk ya on down here to me if you'll

Pay attention). I love you and until we meet stay safe, keep the faith, and an abundance of joy! 

Love, 

Your future wife 

~Ashley~

#DearFutureHusband #LoveLetters