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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Beyond my Crimson lips

Look at me she whispered
Yet no words actually escaped her lips
they seemingly shouted from the canyons in her soul
See me! Don't you dare look right through me
Don't dismiss this moment
Do you want to see me
To know me
To crave me like your next breath
Can you not gaze deeper than my crimson lips
Your eyes dance upon the curves of my breasts
they wander from my hips to my neck
aimlessly searching for a point of contact
What are you thinking right now?
Do you have any idea how far away I am from you right now
I ache for you to step inside and search for me
Unpack my things
Place them on shelves as conversation pieces over dinner
tidy up the place will you
Call for me
Shout my name down the corridors of my heart
Seek me as if I were the conquest to complete your existence
Seek me and make me your home
Seek me and you shall find me rather easily
I hide among shadows of hope
I ache for your pursuit
My God can't you smell the desperation like sulfur
My voice is cracked and I am covered in ash
from all that burns around me
Do not then focus on my lips of playful red ribbons
Don't reach out and touch the curls that dance from collar down my back
Reach out and take my hand and I will guide you
If you tire I will rest beside you until love restores your strength
until love restores your passion
until the flames of your desire to really know the depths of where I came from are burning within
If you find that the journey is too long or too burdensome
then I will bid you farewell with a kiss that will tattoo your heart forever
but you will see me and once you do you can never forget me
and that is what makes loneliness bearable
Names I may never know, words I may have forgotten and scars that may never heal
whisper my name beneath the moon
yet just like my words they never really escape your lips
I am held captive within you and you want nothing more than to set me free
but there I am and just as your soul cries out for me
I cry out for this love that will quench the thirst inside of me
the tears roll down my face to the place that tears seem to go
and just as you cant understand why you long for me
I remember you and countless others who walked away from me
left me standing there burning with relentless pain
waiting patiently just to be seen once again

Monday, September 28, 2015

Courage and Fear: Decision making

I think courage is one of the first life lessons we learn. It isn’t a life lesson that comes alone though. Courage is usually accompanied by fear. They seem to travel together don’t they? Yes they are side by side but they are not allies. They couldn’t be any different. One of them will hold you captive and the other sets you free. The choice seems so simple. They are like night and day in the sense that they are right there together yet one cannot exist with the other. You either make love to fear or wed courage but you cannot be a bride to both. Some have tried but they are fools. Their pride will not allow them to admit they lie in bed with fear wearing a mask of courage. They walk the streets among us but I see them. They are not as hidden as they think they are. Winston Churchill said “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” You see courage is not beating our chest in the midst of fear and charging forward into the night. Courage is simply the act of acknowledging fear and walking past it. I have blogged about fear before so we have the clear understanding of what fear is.

The thing about fear is that it comes in all shapes and sizes but it is real and to the person it attacks it can be torment. For me personally I don’t allow fear to hold me captive but I do encounter it from time to time. It seems to come in the form of myself. I find myself fearing the integrity of my decisions. If there is one choice in front of me then clearly there is no doubt but life tends to give me choices. They are all dressed as what I pray for. They are all saying everything I have been dying to hear. They are all offering exactly what it is I need. There I am face to face and I have to choose which one is the real deal and dismiss the others. These choices could be as small as who to date or as big as what job to take. Ultimately I know even small decisions can grow into life altering commitments and I am scared to make the wrong decision.

Recently I was talking to my children about the choices we make in life. Our lives are a series of choices and each carry a consequence. There are good consequences and there are bad consequences and it all depends on the choices we make. We must always seek God’s will for our lives in order to make the right choices. I have lived my life making the wrong choices for various reasons and I have suffered the consequences of those choices. That is because I have made those decisions on my own without waiting for God’s answer. How do we hear God’s answer? We pray and we wait faithfully and he will open those doors for us. The answers will sometimes be as loud as a church bell and sometimes as quiet as a whisper. We must be still and quiet to hear it. When the answer is what God wants then we will feel a peace about it. We will not feel the sense of fear. We will courage. God will grace us with his courage. That courage stems from the roots of our faith. If our faith is weak then our roots will not hold against the wait of fear and we will fail.

Distressed with restless pain
I could not lift my head
Until God’s voice broke through
And this is what he said
Child if you knew my plan
And my high purpose in it
You’d fight the fight of faith
Undoubting you could win it
Then a bold resolve gripped me
To fight although discouraged
That is when God breathed upon me
A bit of his fresh courage.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Moon Flower

You know it's so funny to me how I want love and I seek love but when I find it I seem to run from it. "They" say when it's right I wont want to run. I think "they" are right. I am content with my life alone but the night haunts me.

I have recently compared myself to a wild animal. You have to slowly earn it's trust. Be patient yet persistent and it will come on its own terms when it's ready. Don't give up just continuously show it love and be gentle. It will eventually submit.

 Have you ever heard of the Moon flower? Moon flowers bloom only in moonlight. These are beautiful pink or white flowers. The flowers quickly open at night and last the entire night. They close when the sunlight touches their petals. How beautiful is that? To know that they reveal all of their glory while we are sound asleep in our beds. When the world is tucked away the flower blossoms to take in the world by the light of the moon.

I am just the same. My thoughts ramble at night. My heart is wild and raw at night. I do my writing at night. Words come to me like storms in my mind until I toss and turn. It is because my heart is nocturnal. It needs to be held in the night. When the sun shines through the curtains I am ok to be alone again. I am happy with my daily routine. I am who I have to be every single day but as the sun sets and the moon beams through my window it seems that my heart smiles. It blossoms. I am in full glory just like the moon flower. You see just like the moon and the flower...part of me is always hidden as well.