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Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Performance

I don't like feeling weary.  I wish I could fix me at times. I don't like it when I get this way and I'm helpless to the pain I feel.  I do such a great job at convincing myself that I'm happy...its odd that I can't pin point the pain.  I've recognized some triggers. I meet someone. They talk to me and get to know me. Then they proposition me. I make a stand that I am a Southern Belle. They go away. It hurts. It cuts deeply. It makes me feel that loneliness is evident unless I sacrifice my morals. I can feel intimacy if I do that right? Oh but who will be there when you walk away then? I'm still left with me. Either way its painful.  I think its extremely wrong to lead a woman to believe you could love her with no intention of actually loving her.  That pain scars. It hardens the heart. I have to quickly figure out how to not allow this to happen.  I think that people settle because the pain is overwhelming. People get tired of searching for that one feeling and they give up. I've settled before so I wont make that mistake again. Either way its a life of pain. I'd rather feel temporary moments of passion and the possibility of love than a lifetime of regret and longing.  I feel like everyone who has ever hurt me should be held accountable. Then I consider that I've hurt people so maybe this is our accountability.  I can't shake it this time. I stood in the cold rain last night wearing just my gown. I cried and let it wash down my face. No one knew I was standing there in the dark. People were home sleeping in their beds or out with friends. I was standing there praying the pain would wash away with the tears. I gripped the ground beneath me begging for mercy. Every ounce of insanity in me surfaced last night. I watched it emerge and perform for me.  I felt like I was alone in a theater watching. It danced and moved with such tragic emotion that I was speechless. My heart felt so empty I considered it non-existent. I am the broken one. I came inside and showered. I felt weak to even stand. I climbed in bed and slept. I woke up put my dress on and curled my hair. I put on my pearl studs and painted my face.  Teal is such a pretty color on me. I smiled for my sons and I will continue to do just that. The pain is still there but she retreated back inside the tomb where my heart once called home. When she'll make her next debut I don't know but I will always be the only person sitting in the audience watching on.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Sometimes I break

So I broke last night. Not sure how I felt about that. It was a relief to say the least. No one knew. I drank in my kitchen and sang songs. I was in the most fabulous mood. I had gotten all glamorous in my long black cotton dress with big southern hair. The more I drank the more it flushed out emotion. It wasnt welcomed.  It was sudden and it terrified me. I was angry and sad. I was bitter. I fought it so hard. I screamed. I pulled my hair. I pulled my knees tight to my chest and I sobbed. Truth is Im a mess and at the same time I really am happy.  I ache when I think of some things that have happened to me.  Then I'm angry that I allowed it.  Wearing your heart on your sleeve isnt for the weak. It leaves you vulnerable in a beautiful way.  The people who meet me get raw unfiltered emotion and conversation. Some arent seeking the depth and they are master manipulators. They play on those emotions and if youre not careful they will take you down.  I dont stay down but when I recollect those moments I feel this sting and tense feeling swell in my chest.  I mean I really let some people get to me.  It was my fault though. I chase a challenge. I see all the warnings but Im like no Im going to see if I can make them feel something.  How dare they not respond to my charm?! They lead me on this chase and deep down Im glutton for the punishment.  Its this comfort in pain that Im used to.  Its an old familiar feeling and lets me know Im real. Im alive. You cant experience the kind of raw euphoric infatuation that I refer to unless you live the way I do.  With it comes pain in the end. Some people will never know they got to me the way they did.  Some people do because I tell them.  I absolutely share my crazy with them. Of course theres no saving anything after that but damn why hurt me. I offer so much and its never appreciated until I pretend like Im hard. When I act like I dont have feelings and I dont really care. Then they want it. Once my true heart is revealed and Im no longer a challenge then theyre gone. Why do we have to play this game of cat and mouse? Truth is there has to be that lure...there has to be that attraction and that desire. If it were easy then you don't put forth effort. Its our nature. Its a fever when we feel it.  When you find that person that feels just like you do and everything aligns...attraction...chemistry....interests...then its crazy. Its a tornado of emotion. When both of you get each other then you provoke each other just because it turns you on. You're harvesting something and neither one of you know exactly what is going to happen.  That unknown is enough intrigue to keep it going. Before you know it you are in love and it scares the hell out of you. Sometimes this happens and without explanation its gone. You're left feeling empty and rejected. Angry isnt the word. Jaded is more appropriate. You get better and eventually move on but there is always that memory.  It stings. No closure. Every time you love again you wonder when the last day will be. It's enough to keep you on your toes though. Its enough to make you want to soak it in while you can. The love may be temporary but its amazing while its happening. The pain unfortunately creeps in just as often as the memory of the person. Damn you who have jaded me. You never deserved me but I can rest easy knowing one thing. You will always think of me.  You will never forget who I am. You may have been a coward but you were blessed to have it while you did. So it seems the curse is on you more so than me. You arent really living your life. You don't feel like I do. You'll never know. I will grow old one day and I will have memories to sustain me. I will feel like I once lived my life. I will know that I never lived with a "what if". I took every chance and I conquered it. Rise and Fall.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My future relationship

For the first time in my life I really feel comfortable being alone.  I've always been a little on the codependent side and I'm determined to break that cycle.  I think its important to truly be happy alone so you don't feel like your world revolves around another individual.  Im comfortable in my skin.  I know what I love to do and what makes me happy.  I know what I'd want in a relationship.  I know what I don't want.  I think having these clear understandings allows another person the ability to decide if you are compatible with them.  People who arent truly happy tend to conform to what others want and need.  They become like the people they are pursuing.  I don't like that.  I want to explore new things with the person I will be dating.  I want to learn from them and experience new things with them. If you do the same things and like the same things then what do you have to talk about. Relationships should be about sharing your life with someone else. It's always important to have common interests so dont get me wrong but I don't like someone who cant think for themselves.  Confidence is so attractive.  I'm finding that I have no filter when it comes to telling people what I want in life and who I am.  I am a Southern Belle redefined who has bruises. We all do.  I'm very contradicting.  Im jealous when I like someone.  I get my feelings hurt but I will never tell you because I don't nag.  I'll just hide that little sting I feel and never let you see my chin quiver.  I'll make sure that I remember details and surprise you so you always feel special.  I'll want to hear that you care about me all the time just cause Im needy like that.  I want to always be courted and treated like Im the only girl in the world to you.  I will always be honest and I will never cheat because I fear that most in my life.  I know that feeling of helpless pain and it leaves scars that never heal.  I will tell you that you don't have to send me flowers or do sweet things...IM BEING MODEST. I want those sweet things.  If you snap at me or raise your voice I will cry. Lets just put that out there right now Im tender hearted.  I pretend like Im all cool and Im hard but Im fragile and I break.  You just never know it.  I want to do simple things with someone who means a lot to me.  I don't need cruises and vacations.  I don't need or want jewelry and expensive gifts.  I only want your time and attention.  If I act like a brat then call me out on it and don't let me.  Grab me and kiss me and tell me to shut my face.  I just need someone who is going to love me regardless of what I do.  Thats how I love....in spite of.  When love is a choice then it's real.  You can love anyone in the world but you choose to love me.  Who can deny a smile derived from that? With all that being said there must be attraction, chemistry, passion and effort...if everything doesnt line up then its not going to work. I have faith its out there and when I find it I hope he isnt too stupid to let it go. Just sayin.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Anthropology's take on Romance

Lately I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of emotions.  I've met the most interesting people Ive ever encountered in my life.  People have read my blogs and reached out to me.  I've inspired both lovely and tragic things.  I feel like I'm finally finding the person I always was.  I was so pinned down in mediocrity that I couldn't fully bloom.  I was bursting at the seams. People are so interesting to read.  Some pre-judge me and act accordingly to impress me while others are completely the opposite and intrigue me. I've read and explored things that come up in conversation. Most recently was the topic of "pair bonding" by an anthropology enthusiast.  It is the most interesting subject. I'm now interested in reading about anthropology.  People float in and out of our lives for a reason and we need to grab on to that and experience it for everything its worth.  Granted some people are a disgrace to civilization even the savages.  I read in to those people too.  I like to see why people think the way they do and more often than not its a front.  We all have the same needs deep down.  Its mechanical.  We can't control anything but our actions.  Our feelings are hopeless. I feel like I've embarked on this journey to help people discover things and teach them that it's OK to feel that way. I expect to be taught along the way too.  Don't be something you aren't.  The thing is we can bond with people but we often confuse those bonds with love.  I've preached about romance. I also proclaimed to be contradicting.  I never knew how deeply contradicting I was.  Romance is the emotion and infatuation stage I talk about.  I still maintain that Love is a verb.  It is a choice to be there unconditionally for someone.  I love my children. They could do anything and I would be there to protect them. I care about their happiness over mine. It is selfless. Romance is selfish. Infatuation is selfish.  The heart wants what it wants and doesn't care about anything but that euphoria. The think is do I really want to keep digging and find out how to manipulate that? I have so much empathy for people. Its made a fool of me but I care for people. I want to help everyone and make them happy.  I then feel resentment that no one has that desire for me. I am so intrigued by this Anthropology subject on Romance and its origin.  I know that there is a reason for all this and I'm going to continue on my path until I figure it out.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

We're all a little jaded aren't we?


You know I’ve hated how being jaded has caused me to question people who only want to get close to me.  I mean they can’t possibly be genuine or real.  I’ve fallen for those lines before.  I’ve fallen hard and haven’t been caught.  If it sounds too good to be true then it probably is right? I over analyze it and other think and question them until they walk away.  Then I’m broken because I ruined it for myself.  I’ve never been on the receiving end of that before.  I never knew what it felt like.  The thing is I instantly recognized it.  All it made me want to do was prove that I’m not going anywhere. That I can love someone past their pain because that’s all I really want.  I want someone who is going to grab me by the arm every time I try to push them away and tell me it’s ok.  I want to be the one that heals someone.  I’ve been there.  I’ve felt pain you couldn’t fathom.  I know and I get it.  The thing is I want people to know me and everything about me because I don’t want issues to be deal breakers later when hearts are involved.  Therefore I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell people exactly how I feel and what I want.  If you don’t like it then that’s fine because we figured it out from the door but if you are interested then my heart swells with hope that you could be the one.  It breaks when its not but I heal and I move on.  I may lie around and bathe in self pity for a while but I can if I want to.  I hate it when I really start to like someone and they say something that makes my chest sting…gah that feeling hurts.  It instantly throws me in to a memory tunnel of heartbreak and my heart says run.  Often I do but some reason I don’t want to anymore.  I’m ready to throw caution to the wind and love with all I have.  Jump and see what happens. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Spring

I can see spring teasing me with it's warmth and beauty
It shines through the budding flowers and the trees
I can feel the warm rays of sunshine lying on me
as I rest in my hammock enjoying the sweet breeze
It envelops my soul with a longing for reason
That cliche of spring fever seems to get me every time
Is he just around the corner hiding with the season
will he show with the flowers and finally be mine?

Infatuation

All LOVE begins with Infatuation.

Infatuation is the state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love: 'expresses the headlong libidinal attraction'[1] of addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

I've researched it because I'm realizing I've never truly been in love it was always the infatuation stage. I don't know if I honestly believe that.  I believe love is a choice and infatuation is the emotion.  I believe you love someone "in spite of" rather than "because of".  Infatuation allows us to look past all those red flags.  I'm going to slow down and go with my intuitions.  The thing is your heart will lie to you.  The heart is a selfish thing.  It wants what it wants and tosses consequence to the wind.  Your head is usually powerless to the heart.  That heart is so charming.  The head is the voice of reason saying "fine but I'm gonna say I told you so when you lying around all broken"! The thing is if you listened to your head you'd save yourself from a lot of pain.  Do we really want to nail up that safety net?  Isn't the blind fall amazing?  Arent the butterflies overwhelming?  I think I'll keep siding with my heart.  I shall call her BELLE.  She is a spitfire and full of gumption.  She knows exactly what she wants and is not afraid to say it.  She is quite selective though.  If it doesnt feel right then she moves on.  When she's done then its too late to try again so you'd better get it right the first time.  The only complaint I have is with her competitive nature.  You see she likes a challenge and I don't want to force anything anymore.  I want to feel love that comes naturally.  I know I can make things happen that I want.  I dont want to do that anymore.  My voice of reason is sitting there with crossed arms ignoring me because Im not being very compliant.  I can't stop smiling though and I'm alone.  That makes me feel so good.  I'm happy with who I am.  I'm excited about what life has for me in the future. When we are old all we're gonna have are memories.  I want to smile and know I've loved with all I have.  I want to close my eyes and remember nights that made me melt.  I want to laugh at the embarrassing cheesy things I've done and cringe at the moments I've made a fool of myself.  Those are memories that will keep us feeling alive. You see so many are alive but are you really living?  If you could do one thing today and no fail what you do? If you know it would work out just how you see it what would it be? Please leave comments and tell me.  I'm interested in knowing what my readers feel when they read my blogs. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Lonely nights

I think I need to blog.  I don't want to though.  It's that weary feeling.  It creeps up like a sinus infection and I'm helpless to it.  Life seems to be teasing me with the possibility of finding what it is I'm looking for. I think people have become too manipulative.  I think everyone knows just what to say at just the right time. It's not fair.  Why play with someone's heart? I'm sure it's karma.  Hell as I type this I realize I'm guilty of it myself.  If something seems perfect or too good to be true...run.  I hate these nights.  I'm fine all day but my heart fears the setting sun because with it comes reflection.  I keep so many distractions and when they arent "distracting" then I'm left with my own thoughts.  Maybe I should have a face off with my heart and deal with it once and for all.  I'm not perfect but damn I want someone who looks at me like I am.  I want to smile like I'm 16 again. I want to soak it all in.  I know all about holding on and letting go.  I just dont know when to hold em and when to fold em.  He said I'd never be happy.  I'll never find what I'm looking for.  I may not but I have hope and possibility as long as I can dream.  That hope and possibility will keep me alive a lot longer than settling like half the people in this town.  It's not an easy journey though.  It's full of pain and lies and its enough to make anyone want to settle.  I refuse though.  He's out there.  He's gonna know what I need without me telling him.  He's gonna look at me and smile.  He's gonna dance with me in the kitchen.  He's gonna make this weariness disappear.  He won't make me cry.  He won't lie to me.  He will be my biggest fan.  Charm has become a deceitful art form and is not to be confused with chivalry and integrity.  I'm not going to question it.  I'm gonna be misled.  Im gonna be hurt.  I'm gonna fall and he's not gonna catch me.  I know that it will be hit and miss until I find him.  However when I do he will mend every wound and wipe every tear. 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Rescue me

I was recently looking at what I like to call "Hero kisses" online.  You've seen them.  The classic military kiss.
The romantic fireman kiss.  These are tangible reasons to keep the search alive.  There is that moment of passion. People do experience it.  It is out there. Women are smitten when some hero shows up just in the nick of time and saves her from tragedy. Our knight in shining armor, camo, or fireproof suit.Talking with a friend recently I told her "I will never get married again".She asked me if my marriage was everything I wanted it to be at any point.  She asked me if I ever felt like it was the dream that I had intended it to be.  My answer was no.  I could not pin point any moment of romantic bliss.  I couldn't even tell her a moment when we were truly happy.  We were both forcing it.  Her response was "Don't say you will never get married again because you will meet someone who does fit that description.  He will sweep you off your feet and he will be everything you dreamed of".  Why had that never occurred to me?  The hopeless romantic that I am and I dismissed such a possibility so quickly. Someone who read my blog recently sent me a quote- "Expectations
are followed by resentment".  I'm very much aware of this but if we don't place expectations in our lives then we will never hold people accountable to their potential.  We all want the same things in life.  We are all really the same in essence.  We may have different circumstances and interests but ultimately we all want to love and be loved.How hard is it to rise to those expectations? I'm starting to question people's motives far more often than before.Don't we all deserve a fair chance until we mess it up? We are all paying for our own mistakes in life.  We shouldn't have to pay for someone elses. It doesn't matter how jaded our hearts are. We should allow someone else the opportunity to prove themselves. I've always said love is the emotion that can break us and heal us. There will be men who have one thing on their mind.  They will be master manipulators.  They will tell me everything I want to hear.  I will fall hard.  I will hit the ground.  I will break.  I will cry.  I will question it. Then I will get up.  I will dust myself off and I will heal.  I will be stronger.  I will soak in the wisdom the circumstance gave birth to.  I will love again.  We can't be afraid of the fall.  It won't kill you unless you allow it to.  I'm a strong southern belle.Heartache is my middle name. No one knows the emotions that I feel.  No one knows the pain I've felt.  No one knows the tragedies I've suffered through.  No one knows because I smile.  I move on.  I'm a farmer's daughter.  Crops fail from time to time but you have to be prepared.  You have to know that there is always a tomorrow. If you lie down and become a victim then you are.  You have to pick yourself up and view it as an opportunity to start fresh. If only life had a reset button we could push. It doesn't and I wouldn't.  Everything I've been through has led me to where
I am today.  I have two beautiful sons who are my life.  I have a thirst for true love.  I have values and manners.I have a need to serve others.  That is what makes me happy.  One day God will bless me with a man that will respect me and treat me like I've always dreamed of.  He will be the leader of my home and I will bless him with the sweetest kisses everyday for the rest of our lives.  That is called hope.  Until all hope is lost we keep on living and we keep on smiling.  Today may be the day that my hero comes calling.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Masochist?

I found myself looking up the definition for "Masochist" and "Sadist" today.  Do you think there are degrees of these? I mean I don't like to inflict pain on others and I don't get any sexual gratification from my own pain but I'm used to the sadness.  I'm so content with it that I push people away and build walls...praying all the while that they will see through it and fight for me.  Don't let me walk away.  I may tell you to but don't listen.  You know I don't know what I need.  Obviously I'm a mess. Writing through my thoughts has taught me that.  Am I alone in the way I feel?  Am I not allowed to test anyone?  My heart isn't for the weak.  I have realized that I need someone to save me from it.  I need someone to see right through me and call me on my B.S.  Don't shy down from me.  I need the truth.  I need to be shaken.  Wake me up from this fantasy I'm living in and make me face it.  I don't want to turn away from love.  I just want the right kind of love.  I need a MAN.  I need someone strong and smart enough to lead me.  This is why I researched "Masochism"....I want to be submissive but so far I haven't found anyone that I respect or trust to lead me.  I don't know maybe he doesn't exist but I'll never give up the search. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Gumption

I feel like I'm finding myself again. I feel that for once in a very long time I'm smiling.  It's been a long time coming and for that I'm grateful.  For so long I cried myself to sleep longing for something that I couldn't quite understand.  I just knew something was missing.  I think it was my "gumption".  I've always been that wide-eyed dreamer.  I was never afraid to voice my opinion and share my concerns.  I'd tell you what I wanted and let you know what I needed.  Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost that voice.  I felt content in the mediocre lifestyle I was living.  Day in and Day out the same old routines.  Life is not meant to pass us by.  We are here to live it.  We are here for a purpose.  We are here to love.  Love has and will always be the emotion that breaks us and heals us again.  Its beautiful.  When we pause for a moment and listen to those around us we find ways we can love them.  We find ways we can help them.  We can be a blessing in so many ways.  I want to be that blessing to others.  I want to make people smile.  I want to heal their pain.  I want to be the reason they see circumstances in a whole new way.  I have my "gumption" again and it's like finding an long lost friend. 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Marilyn and I

I'm left with a realization this morning that its possible that I'll never be satisfied.  I think its the fall that entices me.  I think its that euphoric feeling that I try to bleed out of every situation.  I'm all about the journey and I don't think I want there to ever be a destination.  You see its tragedy and love that I love.  Its those raw emotions that make up who I am.  I am very contradicting.  I'm very difficult to get and those that get me scare the living hell out of me.  I will push you away and I will walk away because I can't be found out.  I can't be contained.  You can't have a heart like mine.  You can hold it for a while but I'm afraid that's it.  I don't want to hurt you.  I honestly don't want to hurt anyone.  It's who I am.  With that being said I tend to fall deeply for those who I can never have.  I bleed myself for them and they could take me or leave me.  I'm left wondering why I don't get to them.  When I walk away and give up then they realize but it's too late for me.  If you don't catch me at just the right moment I'm over it.  Selfish? I don't know.  I can't even figure me out.  I'm so complex.  Its frustrating living in my head.  I know exactly what I want but reality assures me that it isn't possible.  I go through stages of believing, doubting, and anger but for some reason I never give up the search.  I just know what I've done along the way.  I don't mean to leave a wake of disaster.  I honestly don't.  I just need someone to see right through me and figure me out for myself.  Then I need them to not give up when I try to push them away.  I run.  I run then I cry.  I cry because I get what I ask for and then it scares me because I don't want it to go away.  I assume its better to toy with it than to let it happen.  I've let myself fall and no one caught me.  They promised they would but I fell hard.  It hurt.  Do you know what it feels like to hold your knees and cry silently in the tub?  Do you know what its like to lie in the fetal position in a closet crying silently?  Do you know what its like to pull up on the bank of the Yazoo river with a bottle of liquor to cry and drown your sorrows until you fall asleep right there in your car?  Do you know what its like to drive down some remote dirt road just to scream?  I do. I do it often.  I hurt so bad inside but yet this Belle just smiles.  I don't know how long I can manage living with this pain inside but until I find a way to verbalize what it is that I'm feeling I'll just keep suppressing it...I suppose.  I'm worried.  Where does it go?  Is it going to make me crazy someday?  I'm not really living this life.  It's living me.  I just play the role.  I relate to Marilyn so much.  She hid behind this grace.  She was a mess too but she was a belle.  Don't try to make me better.  Just love me as I am even though I can't promise you forever.