I fully intend to employ my own cathartic treatment with wine and silence this weekend. I need to completely purge my mind of hysterical thoughts. I need to let go of “false hope”. I have been hurting people left and right lately. It’s completely unintentional and I feel like a beast. I blog about this great romance and love but I can’t find anyone worthy of it. I wont settle but people make me feel like I’m wrong for this. I rushed into things so many times before. I know what I want and what I don’t. I meet one person with what seems to be all the qualities I desire and cant have him. I believe in signs. I believe that possibly I’m meant to be alone. I should be. Men try to talk to me and I warn them that I’m only seeking friendship and if something happens then it does. I enjoy my space and my life. I don’t require a lot of affection. I simply want to know its available. The less clingy I am it seems the harder they pursue until I’m forced to end the friendship. They are bitter and mean at that point. I’ve been called a heartless bitch and told that I will die alone. Im not heartless it just hasnt feel right. I’m sure one day I will meet someone and it will just feel right. If it happens then it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Have no worry of being alone. I’d rather have something real than live a mediocre life that is unfulfilling and full of resentment and wonder. I’m not being picky. The qualities I seek in a man are far from shallow. In fact they are deep rooted qualities that are very rare. Roots that deep are immovable and respectable. Emotions are fleeting and so far my heart has proven to be rather fickle but only because I have not found what it is I need. I still firmly stand on my opinion that most people base their decisions on infatuation when it comes to relationships. Infatuation is a byproduct of love. Love is an action word. Love is a choice. Love is in spite of rather than because of. I still feel emotions but I know what they are. I know why I feel them but I don’t necessarily know how to stop them. My grandparents who raised me did not show affection or emotion. I sought it out. I was on a great mission to feel like I saw others feeling but I’ve only come up empty handed. I’ve met a lot of people who feel deeply for me yet I didn’t for them. I will meet my match one day. It will just feel right. We will both just know. I’m slowly finding myself taking a different course than the one I originally set out on. Maybe it’s a result of disappointment, failure and pain or maybe its destiny. I wonder if detaching isn’t something we can intentionally do but rather something that happens as a result of hopelessness.
Monday, May 20, 2013
“Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.” -Nicholas Sparks
It’s one of those days. I said I’d never regret knowing him and I don’t but I’m in agony. I’m the fool who sends random texts just to see his name light up. I’ve never been “that fool”. He’s distanced himself from me and maybe it was best but its painful. I enjoyed our chats. I suppose my confession ruined that. I wonder when this desire will subside. Its agonizing at times. I look at his picture and I just want to hold his face and kiss him. I want to feel his arms around me and I want to breathe him in. He is such an enigma to me. I know what he said but here I am hoping that someday he will want someone like me. Isnt that crazy? I’m not turning down potential suitors for this hope. I still pray I’ll find someone just as amazing as he is to make me forget. The problem is no one compares to him. The more they tell me what I want to hear the more I wish it were coming from him. The more they pursue the more I run because deep down I want him. The desire will fade I’m sure. I’ll have that moment when I wake up and realize this is ridiculous. The man doesn’t want me. He said he’d never. Perhaps we chase people in hopes that we’ll never catch up. But maybe we chase them because we know why they’re running. I know all about partial reinforcement. I know that his inconsistent response is playing quite the manipulation game with my mind. I know that it is unintentional though. I know his intentions are far from enticing me. He doesn’t want the chase. He doesn’t want to be my conquest. He simply wants to pursue his own. I must let go of this idea and move on. I know that this unpredictability will cause me to lose faith in this pursuit all together and I’m just waiting for my mind to shut it down. I know what I have to do but I can’t walk away from him right now. I can’t not talk to him right now. Those small fixes are needed.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
My favorite author is Nicholas Sparks. I've read all of his books and he captures the very idea of love that I seek. He inspires me to pursue Great Love and I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from his books. Keep in mind I could go on and on with them but I selected these to share for now. I think they help you understand the things that stick out to me. These quotes mean something to me and I have related to all of them at some point.
“Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.” –Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother
“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.”- Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” –Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight
“She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...” –Nicholas Sparks, The Lucky One
“There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can.” –Nicholas Sparks, Dear John
“She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.”
-Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
-Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“Yes, I decided, a man can truly change. The events of the past year have taught me much about myself, and a few universal truths. I learned, for instance, that while wounds can be inflicted easily upon those we love, it's often much more difficult to heal them. Yet the process of healing those wounds provided the richest experience of my life, leading me to believe that while I've often overestimated what I could accomplish in a day, I had underestimated what I could do in a year. But most of all, I learned that it's possible for two people to fall in love all over again, even when there's been a lifetime of disappointment between them.” –Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding
“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?” –Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
“There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore.” –Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
“I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step towards finding you.”- Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” –Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding
I often look at the faces of people walking by. I search for expressions that look familiar to me. Maybe I do this to not feel so alone. The truth is every single person in the world is struggling with something. To them that something is just as hard as what you are struggling with. I find myself struggling internally constantly. On the outside I’m twirling and smiling. Making people laugh while screaming inside. People think that no one else could understand what they are going through but I do. I’m sure I’ve felt it. If we would share our grief and share our pain then it wouldn’t be so hard but we don’t. I’ve realized that our future is dictated by what we are opposed to what we want. We spend our lives acting and pretending like everything is ok. We wear masks and we lose ourselves in this whole charade. We spend so much time hiding from others that we convince ourselves and create this great confusion inside of ourselves. We are creating unnecesary pain internally. We are fueling the fire inside. If I'm hurting or feeling something I have to get it out in some form. It may be my blog, poetry, song, or venting to a confidant. I still feel pain but I know how to release. I think its important for people to understand that sharing their pain isnt being a burden to others.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Lately I seemed to have gotten a grip on reality. Although my head seems to wander aimlessly in the clouds my feet have been grounded. I still have moments when I think of things and my heart stings. I still have the desire for great love. I still loathe the conquest for wanting great love. I am still a contradiction. I still smile. I don't cry myself to sleep as often lately. I still hang on to some things I've heard recently. I overthink them and analyze them. I'm being told to give up on this idea of love because its only in the movies. Its only make believe. The thing is its not because I've realized it exists inside of me. I am the great love that I seek. I have everything inside of me to sustain the one who I deem worthy of it. I've always said that love is an action word not an emotion. I choose to love in spite of. I choose to give love to people. Some do not accept it. Somewhere there is someone who wants to be loved unconditionally forever. I'm sure there are a lot of people who do. Hell don't we all? I am the love I want to be in. I feel like I could scream that. I feel like tears could just flow because of this great epiphany in my life. I know it exists because I see it in my reflection. I am full of grace and forgiveness. I am aware that people make mistakes. People will let you down because we are all human. I will fail. I will let people down. Unconditional love is choosing to love someone in spite of those mistakes. Granted I'm not saying I'll be a doormat for anyone but then you take in the concept of basic respect. If I find someone compatible with my life then I will bless them with this great love inside of me. I already love everyone. I already seek to serve people and make their day brighter. People remember me for that. People smile when they talk about me and I have no reason to ever think I'm not enough. People who have never received great love are incapable of understanding it and reciprocating it. I can't fault them for that I can only continue to extend my hand and my heart until they know what it feels like to have endless grace and mercy bestowed upon them. I want to be that. I am that. I'm beaming with excitement because of this revelation. I have no reserve in admitting that the only man who ever came close to being what I deemed "The One" will never love me. I am not ok with that but just as this bold resolve gripped me someday I will understand why he was not right for me. One day I will wake up and no longer compare other suitors to him. One day I may even wake up and meet someone who intrigues me just the same who teaches me things and who is open to accepting my great love. I won't question my worth anymore because I know who I am as a person. We are all different with different conquests. My emotions make me feel so alive and I wouldn't change me. Ultimately I am great love!
how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know
no other way that this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand
on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close
as I fall asleep.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Lately I’m tired from all the emotions I’ve felt. When I set out to bleed this life for all it’s worth I didn’t know what I had coming. Through the tears, pain, joy and hardship I can’t help but smile. Even when I’m broken I can still smile. I smile because I’m free. I’m no longer a slave to emotional and physical abuse. I no longer have the fear of driving home each day. I know that my home is a place where I can unwind and relax. The tension has disappeared. I do still deal with occasional drama but it passes. I wanted to detach and no longer feel. It feels like wishful thinking to me. It’s just not in my nature to give up that easily. I can’t let go of something until I’ve exhausted every effort in my being. I refuse to live with the “what ifs”. My heart has been broken so many times and each time is different. I have felt infatuation and chosen to love many times and each time is different. I feel broken more often than not but at the same time there is wholeness to my broken heart because my spirit is not broken. My spirit refuses to die. She is a spitfire and full of gumption. When my heart is weary she cheers it on. I’m never down long and I’m on to the next lesson to be learned. When I refer to life experiences I’m not always referring to love. When I find the one then I feel that all life experiences from there on out will be shared together in the process of making memories that we will reminisce over when we are old. I don’t understand the evil nature in people. It is the one thing that puzzles me. I can’t fathom ever treating someone the way I have been treated in my life. I can’t help but wonder how a person lives life with no conscious to hurt others in that capacity. I may get my feelings hurt and have a good cry but I move on. I’m always moving because I fear becoming stagnant. We can always improve. We can always give. We can always love. Those are endless possibilities for opportunity and growth. I feel that all this pain I’ve felt and continue to feel is doing nothing but priming me for greatness.
Monday, May 6, 2013
I tried to kill my heart but it just would not die
I am destined for great love yet I don’t know why
With all great love is tragedy of this I know for sure
I only wanted to love you regardless how obscure
This pain I feel deep within I’ve never felt before
I’ve never met someone who’s left me wanting more
I can’t give you rhyme or reason for all the tears I’ve cried
If loving me feels like treason at least I know I tried
I had a feeling this day would come somehow I always knew
There’s a reason for everything and I’m blessed to have known you
Friday, May 3, 2013
“I try all things, I achieve what I can.”
― Herman Melville- Moby Dick
― Herman Melville- Moby Dick
How ironic is it that I associate this story with you now?
How can I not smile when I think of its context and plot?
I allowed myself to sink in the notion that one day you’d feel for me
I entertained such a childlike dream to the point of belief
Now I’m left with the self inflicted grief
I look in your eyes and I’m lost for what seems like hours
You are my enigma
All I long for is to feel your hands on me and to hear your voice
I want to listen to you for hours on end…days on end
I want to soak up everything you are willing to share
If hope is the biggest maker of slaves then it made me a slave to my own heart while seeking yours
I had hoped you would think of me at some point during your day or night
That those thoughts would make you smile
I’m left with certainty that I am nothing but a person to you
A conversation to kill time when you decide you want to kill some
Truth is I’ll take it
I now have the wisdom to know better
I only lack the gumption to stop
I’ll always respect your “conquest”
I’ll just adore you from afar and take you as I can
I’d give anything in this world to know someone ever felt such adoration for me and all that I am
It may have been my appearance, charm or any other trait some suitor saw in me but never all of me
Everything about you is amazing and you know that
The fact that you withhold it may be painful to me but it’s beautiful at the same time
You are like a favorite classic in a historical library
I can hold you and study you but you’ll never be mine