Hard Rules

2013 has been a year of self discovery for me. With all the highs and lows I've learned so much and seemingly have taught a little along with way. I look back on circumstances I thought I'd never get over and realize that they've tattooed my heart. People like me love with everything we have and give with everything we have. We get broken because we put ourselves out there. It wasn't until recently I learned risk management in a healthy way. I don't have to build walls. Hell I couldn't if I tried. Its just not in me. I'm a writer and a dreamer. Words captivate me and always have. It was words that led me to fall quickly and have unrealistic expectations of people because words are just that. They are nothing without action. Integrity is a dying quality in today's society and I have to face the facts that a man's word isn't everything anymore. My old fashioned values have left me pursuing a needle in a haystack and to be quite honest with you I like that. I've really thought I found him a few times this year and he abandoned me every time. His words failed him. I have a friend who talked to me about minimizing my risk. He asked me to come up with 4 hard rules that if broken I walk away. He said that I need to make those rules clear so that there is no confusion. The more I thought on this concept I realized the rules were for me. The rules were set to make sure I knew my boundaries. I'm not getting any younger and I know what I want this is make sure I don't waste my time on any man who doesn't want the same things in life as I do. The problem before was that they told me everything I wanted to hear. If I had these rules set in place back then their words would've fallen short from the door because they never backed them up. Once I've "pre-qualified" a man and deemed him "husband" material  these are my hard rules. These are not to be confused with my dating rules which I will discuss in another blog.

1. Do not lie to me. This includes withholding information or skating around the truth. Any form of dishonesty/deception will result in me saying goodbye.

2. I will not maintain an unequal relationship. If I am constantly feeling like I care more or I am exhausting more effort than he is I will end it. We should both want it as much as the other and make the other feel secure by our actions and communication.

3. Communication is a must. I'm not saying you have to call/text 24/7 because we all need our space and have other responsibilities but communicating so the other person knows they are thought of and not being avoided is necessary. If you cant talk or simply do not feel like talking for any reason then send a quick text explaining that and we are good. That leaves no room for fear, doubt, over-thinking and confusion to set in. It is important to keep the other person feeling secure about the status of the relationship and its progression. This helps to build and keep trust. If you go long periods of time without talking to me or barely put in effort communicating with me then I will walk away because this also falls into #2

4. This should be a given but just to be clear. I will not compete with another woman for your attention. If you like to chat with other women and "hangout" with other women this will not work. No explanation required.

5. If you do not treat me with respect then I will walk away. If you want a lady then treat me like one. There is a way to speak to me if you're upset about something and raising your voice, your hand or using cuss words towards me is unacceptable. I will never disrespect a man or treat anyone like that and I expect the same.

If I stick to these rules then the relationship should be able to progress into something long term but if these simple rules can not be respected then he is wasting my time and is not the type of man I seek as a spouse.




~Thank you Will for your wisdom! The strongest people seek counsel rather than trying to be self reliant!~

Put Fear in it's Place

 

“Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who carried Fear as her constant companion.
It wasn’t fear of wild animals, impending danger, or the shadows that lurk in the night. In fact, her friend Fear had become disassociated with any real thing. It had become an entity all its own that could morph and wind its way into any circumstance the woman happened to be in.
The woman wasn’t born this way.
When she was small, Fear had served her well and taught her how to stay out of harm’s way. But as the girl grew and experienced the world around her (which could sometimes be harsh and painful), Fear found a foothold for power.
Fear taught the girl that Harsh and Painful were always just around the corner, even when they weren’t, and showed her how to avoid life so that she wouldn’t meet them. When she did meet Harsh and Painful, Fear said, “I told you so. You better stick with me.”

Sometimes her erstwhile friend Fear thought it was fun to poke around in the young woman’s mind, searching for weak spots so that it could manufacture something that felt as real as an oncoming train or a lurking monster.
Fear was sneaky like that. It liked to torment and create havoc in the woman’s heart and mind. It whispered stories in her ear that weren’t true or only had a grain of truth. Fear liked to embellish. Fear liked to stir the pot.
The woman knew that she’d allowed Fear to become her master. But she kept feeding it by worrying, over-thinking, pontificating, ruminating, and believing without question. As Fear munched away growing fatter and stronger, the young woman began to shrink.
She shrunk so small that she could fit into the safe box that Fear hadn’t infiltrated—little did she know Fear had built just for her.
She felt comfortable in the box; and Fear liked her there because it kept him in control.

Fortunately, the box had windows. And after a while, the woman started looking outside. She saw other people in boxes just like hers. Just like her, they were safe and quietly contained with Fear guarding the door.
But she saw something else, something that stirred her heart and soul.
She saw people who weren’t in boxes.
These people had room to run, move freely, and do anything they wished. They were doing exciting, creative, adventurous things (many of the same things that Fear had warned her about).
But they were happy. They weren’t hiding. In fact, she could see Fear chasing them, but these people laughed at Fear. And when Fear did catch them, they would firmly cast Fear aside and put Fear in a box!
How amazing!!
How liberating!
The woman cracked the door of the box, and yelled over Fear’s head to the people outside, “How did you conquer Fear like that? How did you put Fear in a box?”
“Truth,” they shouted back. “We battled Fear with Truth and Inquiry, and Fear lost all of its powers!”
“How do I find Truth and Inquiry?” asked the woman.
“It’s that light inside of you,” they said. “And all you have to do is shine it in Fear’s face.”
Tentatively, the woman picked one of Fear’s favorite weak spots, and she look inside herself for Truth and Inquiry. She found a faint, flickering light and held it up to Fear.
Immediately, Fear grew weaker. And as Fear grew weaker, the woman started to grow. Truth and Inquiry got brighter too.
With practice, the woman was able to shine the light on all of the weak spots that Fear had created. Eventually, the woman grew too big, too strong, too powerful for the box.
As soon as she burst out of the box, she saw Fear cowering outside.
Her heart went out to Fear, because she remembered how it felt to cower. She gently placed Fear in the box, because she knew she might need Fear on occasion. But now she saw Fear for what it was—her servant, not her master. And Truth had set her free.

Fear has caused many people to walk away from me. Fear has cost me what could possibly be the love of a lifetime. People say what's meant to be will always find a way and this is true to some degree but we have to reach out and grab on to those we want in our lives. The problem with this is that we have all been jaded and hurt. When someone says "Im scared" what they are saying is they dont trust their decisions or you. Even if they realize you're wonderful and want to take that chance Fear grips them and they don't want to risk the pain again. You can't force them but my heart breaks that I've suffered and had to move on in my life because someone chose Fear over me but I've chosen Fear over others and no longer will I run. Fear doesn't have a grip on my life any longer. I choose happiness.