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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Christina Aguilera - Empty Words (with lyrics)

Hard Rules

2013 has been a year of self discovery for me. With all the highs and lows I've learned so much and seemingly have taught a little along with way. I look back on circumstances I thought I'd never get over and realize that they've tattooed my heart. People like me love with everything we have and give with everything we have. We get broken because we put ourselves out there. It wasn't until recently I learned risk management in a healthy way. I don't have to build walls. Hell I couldn't if I tried. Its just not in me. I'm a writer and a dreamer. Words captivate me and always have. It was words that led me to fall quickly and have unrealistic expectations of people because words are just that. They are nothing without action. Integrity is a dying quality in today's society and I have to face the facts that a man's word isn't everything anymore. My old fashioned values have left me pursuing a needle in a haystack and to be quite honest with you I like that. I've really thought I found him a few times this year and he abandoned me every time. His words failed him. I have a friend who talked to me about minimizing my risk. He asked me to come up with 4 hard rules that if broken I walk away. He said that I need to make those rules clear so that there is no confusion. The more I thought on this concept I realized the rules were for me. The rules were set to make sure I knew my boundaries. I'm not getting any younger and I know what I want this is make sure I don't waste my time on any man who doesn't want the same things in life as I do. The problem before was that they told me everything I wanted to hear. If I had these rules set in place back then their words would've fallen short from the door because they never backed them up. Once I've "pre-qualified" a man and deemed him "husband" material  these are my hard rules. These are not to be confused with my dating rules which I will discuss in another blog.

1. Do not lie to me. This includes withholding information or skating around the truth. Any form of dishonesty/deception will result in me saying goodbye.

2. I will not maintain an unequal relationship. If I am constantly feeling like I care more or I am exhausting more effort than he is I will end it. We should both want it as much as the other and make the other feel secure by our actions and communication.

3. Communication is a must. I'm not saying you have to call/text 24/7 because we all need our space and have other responsibilities but communicating so the other person knows they are thought of and not being avoided is necessary. If you cant talk or simply do not feel like talking for any reason then send a quick text explaining that and we are good. That leaves no room for fear, doubt, over-thinking and confusion to set in. It is important to keep the other person feeling secure about the status of the relationship and its progression. This helps to build and keep trust. If you go long periods of time without talking to me or barely put in effort communicating with me then I will walk away because this also falls into #2

4. This should be a given but just to be clear. I will not compete with another woman for your attention. If you like to chat with other women and "hangout" with other women this will not work. No explanation required.

5. If you do not treat me with respect then I will walk away. If you want a lady then treat me like one. There is a way to speak to me if you're upset about something and raising your voice, your hand or using cuss words towards me is unacceptable. I will never disrespect a man or treat anyone like that and I expect the same.

If I stick to these rules then the relationship should be able to progress into something long term but if these simple rules can not be respected then he is wasting my time and is not the type of man I seek as a spouse.

~Thank you Will for your wisdom! The strongest people seek counsel rather than trying to be self reliant!~

Friday, December 13, 2013

Put Fear in it's Place

“Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who carried Fear as her constant companion.
It wasn’t fear of wild animals, impending danger, or the shadows that lurk in the night. In fact, her friend Fear had become disassociated with any real thing. It had become an entity all its own that could morph and wind its way into any circumstance the woman happened to be in.
The woman wasn’t born this way.
When she was small, Fear had served her well and taught her how to stay out of harm’s way. But as the girl grew and experienced the world around her (which could sometimes be harsh and painful), Fear found a foothold for power.
Fear taught the girl that Harsh and Painful were always just around the corner, even when they weren’t, and showed her how to avoid life so that she wouldn’t meet them. When she did meet Harsh and Painful, Fear said, “I told you so. You better stick with me.”

Sometimes her erstwhile friend Fear thought it was fun to poke around in the young woman’s mind, searching for weak spots so that it could manufacture something that felt as real as an oncoming train or a lurking monster.
Fear was sneaky like that. It liked to torment and create havoc in the woman’s heart and mind. It whispered stories in her ear that weren’t true or only had a grain of truth. Fear liked to embellish. Fear liked to stir the pot.
The woman knew that she’d allowed Fear to become her master. But she kept feeding it by worrying, over-thinking, pontificating, ruminating, and believing without question. As Fear munched away growing fatter and stronger, the young woman began to shrink.
She shrunk so small that she could fit into the safe box that Fear hadn’t infiltrated—little did she know Fear had built just for her.
She felt comfortable in the box; and Fear liked her there because it kept him in control.

Fortunately, the box had windows. And after a while, the woman started looking outside. She saw other people in boxes just like hers. Just like her, they were safe and quietly contained with Fear guarding the door.
But she saw something else, something that stirred her heart and soul.
She saw people who weren’t in boxes.
These people had room to run, move freely, and do anything they wished. They were doing exciting, creative, adventurous things (many of the same things that Fear had warned her about).
But they were happy. They weren’t hiding. In fact, she could see Fear chasing them, but these people laughed at Fear. And when Fear did catch them, they would firmly cast Fear aside and put Fear in a box!
How amazing!!
How liberating!
The woman cracked the door of the box, and yelled over Fear’s head to the people outside, “How did you conquer Fear like that? How did you put Fear in a box?”
“Truth,” they shouted back. “We battled Fear with Truth and Inquiry, and Fear lost all of its powers!”
“How do I find Truth and Inquiry?” asked the woman.
“It’s that light inside of you,” they said. “And all you have to do is shine it in Fear’s face.”
Tentatively, the woman picked one of Fear’s favorite weak spots, and she look inside herself for Truth and Inquiry. She found a faint, flickering light and held it up to Fear.
Immediately, Fear grew weaker. And as Fear grew weaker, the woman started to grow. Truth and Inquiry got brighter too.
With practice, the woman was able to shine the light on all of the weak spots that Fear had created. Eventually, the woman grew too big, too strong, too powerful for the box.
As soon as she burst out of the box, she saw Fear cowering outside.
Her heart went out to Fear, because she remembered how it felt to cower. She gently placed Fear in the box, because she knew she might need Fear on occasion. But now she saw Fear for what it was—her servant, not her master. And Truth had set her free.

Fear has caused many people to walk away from me. Fear has cost me what could possibly be the love of a lifetime. People say what's meant to be will always find a way and this is true to some degree but we have to reach out and grab on to those we want in our lives. The problem with this is that we have all been jaded and hurt. When someone says "Im scared" what they are saying is they dont trust their decisions or you. Even if they realize you're wonderful and want to take that chance Fear grips them and they don't want to risk the pain again. You can't force them but my heart breaks that I've suffered and had to move on in my life because someone chose Fear over me but I've chosen Fear over others and no longer will I run. Fear doesn't have a grip on my life any longer. I choose happiness.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Who knew it could still be broken?

“She remembered the day vividly, for how can you forget the day your heart is broken? The funny thing about a broken heart is that it's not fatal. Though you wish in vain that it were, life continues on and you have no choice but to continue on with it. You take the hand that fate has dealt you and you press forward because there is nothing else that can be done.”
― Tracy Winegar
I should have learned that promises are just words like everything else and with no actions to support them or no integrity to back them they are pointless. Never allow someone to promise that they will never hurt you or break your heart. It cuts deeper when they do. I know what I want in my life and for once I was closer to it than I have ever been and those feelings were reciprocated. Just when I made my mind up I felt the distance and he changed his mind. I don’t know why I expected falling wouldn’t hurt when I finally hit the ground but hey this is why I had trust issues to begin with. I should have trusted my gut instinct and ran when I had the chance. I didn’t though. I chanced it and got hurt. I’m familiar with the feeling though. Its something my heart has grown accustomed to. As the tears fall I hope they drain the pain from my heart too because its been a while since I felt this broken inside. Every time it happens I don’t blame the man. I blame myself for being a fool.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

You Jump. I Jump.

Hope is revived from the most unexpected revelations and discoveries. We can be at a point that seems so low in our lives that the very idea of change is unfathomable but in these moments of utter despair is when hope springs out of the ground like a sprouting of new life. In what seems like the blink of an eye someone can walk into our lives and tumble things into such beautiful disarray that we are enchanted and intrigued. It’s these moments we feel helpless and anxious at the same time. The euphoria is unexplainable and the desire for more is so overwhelming that its almost painful. It literally can take your breath away. It’s just a beautiful mess. It is in these moments that we seemingly close our eyes and free fall into this madness. The fall is beyond words and can only be detected by this glow and smile we tend to wear for the time being. People recognize this change and it is undeniable. We don’t dare deny it. How can we? Why deny something this amazing? The very thought of it going away can release a wave of fear and torment that we don’t dare entertain the thought. Rather our hearts hold on tight and ride this wave until it crashes on the shore. What lies beyond the shore we never know but we chance it. We make this journey because it’s undeniably fate. Whatever that fate may be we were meant to cross paths one way or another. A lesson to be learned or a dream to be fulfilled. A blessing or an earth shattering moment of passion. It doesn’t matter. We are helpless to it because the very idea of walking away and living with the “What if” of the moment is not something either of us want to chance. So here we are. You jump. I jump.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Life Worth Living


“And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.”  -Nicholas Sparks

I haven't blogged recently because honestly my thoughts have been so scattered that I couldn't seem to make sense of them let alone share them. A few days ago someone said something to me that rocked me. He asked me why I was not doing more than what I am doing now. He pointed out my strengths and possibilities. He said that everyone dies but not everyone lives. I've heard that before but no one has ever personally accused me of "not living my life". I reflected on this and for some reason I was overwhelmed with emotion. He is right. I want so much more out of life and as much as I claim to be living my life, I am not. I'm simply flirting with life. Fear is holding me back. I don't know what I fear. I've said time and time again that people do not rise to meet their potential because its easier not to. I have been that person. People always suggested that I write a book but I started this blog as a beta because I had claimed to have no clue where to begin. It begins with research about where to begin.  One step at a time but as long as I'm moving toward a goal I will make progress. He also suggested that I get out more. I use the excuse that I have no one to go with me. I've been silenced and made to feel foolish for years and I don't have to cower any longer. I intend on getting out more. Its exhausting putting myself out there over and over again to be hurt. I'm well aware that this is necessary to find what it is I am looking for so I take it. I accept failure because people who fear failure never progress. They are slaves. I am going to make steps to live life to the fullest potential. I am going to stop letting fear creep in and hinder me. I am going to stop making excuses and enjoy the moments I am given. Last night while lying in bed I realized that so often I view my life as if its something waiting to happen while its happening all around me. I can't get this time back. The time to live is now. We aren't promised tomorrow. If I fail and if I hurt then so be it but one day I will be successful in my conquest for "The One". I've often thought that will be the end of my story. It will be the end of search but a new chapter will begin and we will leave behind a legacy of relentless pursuit. Our lives will have told a story of perseverance and passion. We will not fall into the category of mediocrity. We will not fall into a category at all. We will stand alone as all great love stories do. Until then we will live our lives until we find one another but we can never do this if we do not start living.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Fear of Risk

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” - Charlotte Bronte

So it's been a while since I've written. I've had moments of inspiration but mostly writer's block. Its apparent that things have to build up in order for the emotions to harvest my words. I seem to have reached a peaceful state of mind lately. When I started this journey of finding myself again and "The One" I was inspired and full of hope. As I read back on these blogs I can see the torment it is has caused me. It has been beautiful and painful. I am truly living my life as hard as that may be. The thing that grips me is the fear and anxiety I'm beginning to feel when people try to get close to me. I go in to this panic mode. I'm also realizing that I have major walls up now. I will allow people to read my blog to get to know me but ultimately I'm not falling like I used to. I'm very cautious. I find reasons to walk away rather than focusing on reasons to stay and risk it. There's that word. RISK. I thought I was jaded before but I was just hurt. Jaded and bitterness has finally crept in. Its disabling me slowly. I asked "him" once to teach me how to detach. He told me I didn't want to take that road. At the time it was impossible anyway. To detach is to not feel. In order to not feel you must kill your emotions. In order to kill something you simply stop feeding it. You become stagnant.  I realized this can happen whether I want it to or not if I don't change something. If I don't start taking chances. I'm so afraid of making the mistake of believing in something that isn't real again. I'm so afraid of falling and hitting the ground again. I was so low for so very long. I spent years in a relationship crying myself to sleep at night. I would find a place and hide. It was the closet a lot of times and I would lie there and cry quietly. I don't know what I couldn't seem to cry in the open. His words still haunt me. The feeling of never being "enough" still haunts me. I've been used and abused but I'm alive. Dating only triggers things deep within me that still hurt. I gave 100% of myself to people who didn't deserve me. I'm angry about that. I'm slowly healing. I see that. I never thought I'd see the day I'd be over some of the things I thought were so awful. They pass but the heart remembers. Pain goes away but the aftermath is fear. Fear keeps us from risking again. We fear risk. We fear it until we find something worth the risk. We fear until we see something in someone that we need. That is where I am right now. I'm figuring this thing out. I'm learning my emotions and how the affect my decisions. I could be letting amazing men walk out of my life right now but I just haven't felt what I waiting to feel. I have felt it though. This may be why I don't trust myself anymore. If I don't protect my heart who will?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

New Beginnings harvest Hope

“Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else.”  -Nicholas Sparks
New beginnings are always enchanting. They are full of hope and excitement. They leave us with intrigue that fuels what feels like an addiction. New beginnings can harvest wishful thinking, daydreams, relentless smiling and a feeling deep down that is euphoric. I believe these feelings are simply our soul beaming with anticipation that finally they’ve found “The One”. This is what makes me feel alive. These moments are the epitome of romantic bliss. The key word in all of this is HOPE. In a world where we are let down countless time these moments spark that hope in us once again. In a lifetime of heartbreak we realize that the same emotion that once broke us can heal us again. There is such beauty in these moments because we beam with enthusiasm. We wake in the morning with a smile and anticipation of knowing that we were on someone’s mind throughout the night just as they occupied ours. We go to bed at night reluctantly because ending a phone conversation is nearly impossible. New beginnings prompt us to fast forward in our minds and envision doing even the simplest tasks with another. The most ordinary things can be extraordinary with the right person. When our soul seems to have found its match we do the best we can to express this feeling but ultimately it is reflected in everything we do.

Saturday, August 3, 2013


I guess the saying "when it rains it pours" is true. It seems like everything hit me all at once and I'm left with browsing through options to figure out who is right for me and who isn't. In the midst of this chaos I let a good man walk away. I tried to recover the situation but the damage is done now. I tainted it. It hurts when I think about him. It hurts because I'm left wondering if I let "the one" walk out of my life because I was afraid. I can only trust that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can fathom. What I fear and what I think are nothing. He is all knowing and I can't stress and worry over the "would've-could've-should've". I've spent countless nights lying awake analyzing my life and the way things are going. I've shed tear after tear into my pillow. I've held my own face in my hands and just wept because hindsight for me has been painful. Its hard to reflect on the things I've been through. I can't change my past. I can't undo the things that were done to me. I also can't forget. The only option is to change my perspective of the situation. I can dwell on what was done or I can dwell on the fact that I'm OK. I'm here and I survived it all. I may have scars but I'm alive and there is still fight left in me. My past could be a symbol of pain or it could be a symbol of strength. I'm going to fall down. I'm going to crawl. I'm going to have nights where the tears flow endlessly. I'm aware that I will struggle emotionally with everything but ultimately my tears will dry and I will stand up and face the next day with gumption and knowledge.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Timing, Chemistry and Conquest

Dear Past: Thanks for the lessons.  Dear Future: I'm ready.  Love, Ashley  

I'm realizing that what I'm looking for is out there. There are men who meet the qualities I'm seeking. I'm starting to think the issues are timing, chemistry, and conquests. I meet men who have everything I'm looking for but we may not have a spark or chemistry when we meet. One of us does and the other doesn't. I've met men who weren't emotionally available because of marriage or mental blocks due to a painful past. I've met men who are everything I need and the chemistry is there for both BUT they simply aren't ready to settle right now. Everything has to line up perfectly for it to work and that is a challenge. I refuse to settle until I know everything is in perfect alignment. This will happen when it happens. Someone recently told me about the "Red String Theory". That two people are connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This myth is similar to the Western concept of soul mates or a destined flame. I found that very romantic and hopeful. I've always used the term "Hopeless Romantic" but there is nothing hopeless about romance. Hope is what keeps us moving forward in life and thriving. When all hope is lost you are dead. You are no longer alive. I've learned enough to know what men need. Most married men that cheat will tell you they aren't appreciated at home, their wife doesn't make them feel needed/wanted, and they don't feel like a man at home. Make a man feel like he is the only man alive and respect him for being the leader and provider of the home. Appreciate him for everything he does and submit to him completely. In return he will adore you and appreciate you for that. He will do anything to hold on to that feeling. He will not want to disappoint the person who looks up to him in every way and depends on him. At the same time you offer a support role. You are his cheerleader and no matter what he does you trust his decision that it is right. Even if you doubt you follow. I feel like I'm all packed and prepared for a lifelong journey and I'm just waiting now for the destination and travel partner.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I wont apologize

I've learned to never settle for whats pratical or smart Chase your dreams because you only get one chance to..
I haven’t blogged in a while and I need to release. I found myself entertaining the possibility that I’m getting close to finding what I’ve been looking for. That was quickly interrupted by the stabbing sensation in my chest brought on by disappointment and deception. It seems those two things and I have become rather fond of one another lately. The truth is I’m not a runner. I realized that. I don’t run when I meet someone I want. I fight for that. I don’t give up unless I know that I’ve given it all I have. The problem hasn’t been with me running from good men. The truth is that even though some men are good they may not be for me. That’s only because I know what I want and don’t want. I won’t settle. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.  I won’t apologize for that.

Monday, July 8, 2013


 “Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn't matter whether you're the lion or a gazelle-when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.”-Christopher McDougal

“I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
”-Jared Kintz

I had an epiphany! I'm a runner. This is a fact. I don't know why I do it. It's contradicting to everything I claim to want. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I don't. I chase impossible men because I want to prove something. I know that nothing worthwhile is ever easy therefore the challenge entices me. I run away from good men for God only knows why. I'm told I will be alone forever if I don't stop running. I realized this is true. If I don't stop running from the good ones I will be lonely. If I don't stop running towards the ones I'll never catch I will be lonely. Either way I have to stop. Its scary. I don't want to commit. I don't want to settle because I'm afraid I don't trust myself. After the pain I've put myself through by choosing the wrong men I cant take that chance again. I'd rather be alone that make the wrong decision so unless the feeling is overwhelming I can't settle. I just don't know how to stop running.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


It really amazes me that I've prayed, begged and pleaded for mercy lately. For  months I've pined over a man who I really didn't know. I thought I knew who he was as a person. He was the standard I held men to. He was the reason that my love life had gotten so complicated. He never reciprocated these feelings. I started feeling like I'd never find a man like him. In this process I dismissed so many great men. I had this wall up because I really just wanted to see what he and I could be.  He left me with intrigue. I wanted to know more about him. I didn't understand why he didn't fall for me. I didn't understand why he rejected me. It wasn't something I was accustomed to. I am enigmatic therefore I'm attracted to others that are a challenge as well. Finally I accidentally got my answers. He is married. He lied to me. I thought he was different from the rest but the truth is all men are the same. My guard is so high now. I'm jaded and I'm bitter yet my passion doesn't die. I'm happy that I can finally let go of the notion that one day he may have came around and felt something for me. This was the answer I was looking for. I got the message in a dream last week but I didn't process it completely until now. It was a premonition. All this time I was a fool. I'm a bit angry. I can't take my broken heart out on every man. It wasn't he that hurt me. It was me that hurt me. Ive always been the source of my heartache. I am naive. I am trusting. I am thirsty for something that's always been missing and I'd give anything to fill the void. This is not who I am. I am not acting like the girl I know. I am a spitfire. I have gumption. I don't tolerate deception. I command respect. I know who I am. I have to get her back. I will admit my first instinct was to slay the hearts of men to take my anger out. This always happens to me. I go after men who are a challenge. Impossible men because I think if I can make them love me then I'm worth loving. I feel like I'm running 100mph just waiting for someone to stop me dead in my tracks and tell me those days are over. I allowed him to tell me that I lived in a fairytale world. I just keep holding out for it YET it sickens me at the same time. I'm moving slow because I'm hurt. Its going to be hard to love me. I will push and pull because I will fight it but eventually I will give in and love someone more than they could ever imagine. They just have to tame my broken heart. I don't know that any man wants to piece me back together. Who wants that challenge? I can't blame anyone for walking away. I just know the one who doesn't let me run will be worth it and so will I. When you clean all this dirt off of me and make me new again I will shine for you. I just got shaken by this one more than I've been shaken before. Now I question my own judgement. I don't want to hurt anyone. It happens unintentionally. I do know that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and I'm worth the effort. I know the love I feel deep down is beyond comprehension. I don't offer it to just anyone. I can't describe what I'm looking for but I know what I want. I will know it the first time we are together. I'm not one for second dates IF we even make it to the first one. I either feel it when I meet someone or I don't. Maybe that's not right. Maybe I need to stop being so scared and just breathe...that's what I said when I first started talking to "him" when he said he wasn't looking for anything. I had decided to not speak to him anymore because I knew me yet this little voice said do something different this time. Just get to know someone even if you see red flags. That little voice should be chloroformed and buried alive!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Don't Worry

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. -Corrie Ten Boom 

I realized today that I spent too many years in fear of getting out of a bad marriage. I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I felt stuck. That wasn't the only reason I stayed. I'm not one to give up and every time I thought this is it then I would think of something else I hadn't tried. I exhausted myself mentally trying to make something work that just wasn't right. As much as we both wanted it to work it just wouldn't. As this thought hit me I realized it applies to my life right now. Even if I want something more than anything that doesn't mean its right or that it will work because the other person has to want it too. I was also refusing to give up. The pain is in the wanting. Let the wanting go. Change what you can change. I worried about so many things that were only possibilities. The birds wake up singing. I hear them every morning outside of my window. They play in the gardenia bushes. They don't worry about their next meal. It's always available for them. Their needs are met. They work so hard to prepare their nests. Little by little they piece twigs and leaves together creating a home for their families. They prepare because they expect. They live their lives with expectancy. If God provides for the birds he will certainly meet our needs. Hindsight teaches us that there was never a need to worry and stress because things happen and we aren't in control of everything. We must simply live our lives and know that it will be OK. Bad things are going to happen but refusing to keep moving is detrimental. Water that doesn't flow becomes stagnant. I have no idea where my guts and glory come from. I've wondered where the switch was because I've often wanted to turn it off. I can't give up. I cant seem to stop the passion that flows through me. I just want to live life and feel everything it has to offer. I want to see things and learn things. I want to learn about people and relate to them. I want to leave my mark and know that I may have offered a simple statement that could impact someones life in a positive way someday. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm not a victim because my parents gave me up. I was blessed. I was delivered from a life that could've hindered me from the person I've grown into today. I don't regret the pain I've suffered. I'm no stranger to grief. I know all to well about being scared to fall asleep knowing I will wake up screaming. I have memories that haunt me. I don't use them as a crutch though. I am someone who gives 100% of myself and I'm unfiltered. I want people to know the real me. What is the point if they like someone I pretend to be? I think we are put through trials and we make it so that we can be there for other people. I wouldn't take advice or listen to someone who has never been through the same things I have because they cant fully understand it. This is why I refuse to worry. If I'm meant to suffer through something then I'm humble enough and courageous enough to walk through it. I'm not saying I wont hurt and question the reasons why. I'm only saying the only fear I have is living with "what ifs". I wont. I will know that I danced, I sang, I spoke, I loved, I fought, I cried, I struggled, I hurt, I felt deeply, and I've got memories to remind me of everything Ive ever felt in my life. Its those deep passionate memories that impact our lives. Don't worry about the outcome just close your eyes and jump.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Alabama Shakes - You Ain't Alone

I Know What I Want

I've heard men say that they want a woman who knows what she wants. I pondered that today because without a shadow of a doubt I know what I want. Life became difficult once I knew. Then I realized that the search was for a diamond in the rough if it even existed at all. Now this realization wouldn't be earth shattering for some people. I refuse to settle. I'd rather know I spent my entire life searching for the one that my soul desires than to settle for less. Settling is giving up. You don't give up on people you love. I will love this man with every fabrication of my soul once I find him. Once again I reiterate that infatuation is a feeling. Its an emotion. It subsides and you're left with decisions. LOVE is a choice. Life isn't perfect. Bad things happen but "THE ONE" is your partner in life. When you're weak they are strong. When they are weak you are strong. Its a choice to surrender and share your life, body, mind, and soul with another person completely trusting them to do the same. You hold nothing back. You love with everything you have. You give your last because you are incapable of receiving that if you cant give it. I have all these qualities I've discussed in previous blogs that I seek but then there's chemistry and passion. You either have it or you don't. This is why knowing exactly what you want is complicated. I've found the qualities before and my heart leaped. Those feelings weren't reciprocated so I was left with a wanting that wouldn't go away because now my soul had a tangible person to associate with the conquest. I had and still have to figure out how to move past that. I know it exists. I know that there is another man out there with those qualities who will set my world on fire with passion and we will make it. I believe we meet and connect with people for all different reasons. When all the dust settles you have to be able to work together. You must find the one that compliments you. Your weaknesses are their strengths. Your strengths are their weaknesses. When you become one then you are truly whole in that aspect. So when someone asks me what I'm looking for I simply say that its hard to explain but I will feel it and know it when its time. I do know that I'm tired. I'm ready for him. I'm ready to rest and breathe him in knowing my search is over.

Monday, June 24, 2013

His Arms

I want to fall into arms that open to hold me
I want to feel them wrap around me tightly so that I feel safe
I want to hide there to escape everything
I want those arms to be home
Home is where the heart is
These arms I see in my dreams dry my tears
Im nestled in an embrace that protects me
When I'm there nothing can touch me and nothing else matters
Im there breathing him into my soul
Im there thanking God for bringing a knight to keep me safe
I'm there appreciating these arms that hold me and work so hard to provide
When I'm there my past is forgotten
I can only see forward into a future of happiness
In those arms I find the peace and joy that I've sought forever
Those arms hold me so tightly that my body remembers and I can feel it even when he lets go
I'm better in those arms
Once I'm in them I intend to never let go
When I'm wrapped tight in those arms my lips rest against his heart
I whisper to it everything I feel
Not only do these arms provide a shelter from everything in the world
He creates a little corner in his heart for me to hide
This security is something people long for
Everyone wants to see the extension of arms
Open arms display vulnerability and expose the truth
Open arms display trust and loyalty
You see as I'm wrapped in these arms mine are open and wrapped around his back
Thats where I intend to always be
Right behind him supporting him as he leads me
He leads me because he is the man I've been seeking
For that I will forever be submissive to his every want and need


Friday, June 14, 2013

Retreat Needed

Have you slowed down long enough to breathe lately? I was looking at this pic that my sister and I took last summer on Navarre Beach and I realize I haven't taken a moment to breathe lately. It’s beginning to wear on my psyche. I remember the moments that I stopped and took things in. I remember sitting in the cool grass back home looking out at the cotton fields for miles. I remember taking in the beauty and the pride I felt of being raised in the small farm community called Leesburg, MS. I remember my grandfather backing a full cotton trailer under the barn to hold until the next day because the gin had closed for the evening. I would run out to the barn in barefeet and my long gown and climb up to the very top of the trailer then free fall backwards into the warm dusty cotton. I slept there many nights staring up at the moon and making up songs. I’ve always been that wide eyed dreamer. I remember enjoying walks in barefeet down dusty roads that led into the woods. I would find bugs and leaves. I would swim in undisturbed creeks. I loved watching the clear water flow over the top of my feet wondering where it was traveling. I would sit under trees and read Tom Sawyer and daydream about his carefree gumption.  I remember as a teen I would visit the same scenes for the same experiences yet I would also visit them to cry. I’ve always searched for hidden places to release my pain. It was never enough just to cry in my room with the door closed. I needed to get as far away as possible and conceal any possibility that someone could find me. I remember taking trips to Lake Washington with my parents and walking down the delta backroads in awe at the Indian Mounds there. I visited abandoned plantation homes imagining the history and stories the walls could tell. I remember sitting in the library at school for hours looking at books that no one had ever considered reading; mostly poetry and historical reads. In high school I remember taking a spring break trip to Gatlinburg. I was walking and shopping one evening and I remember this silver dodge pull up beside me as I walked and this beautiful blue eyed boy charmed his way into a date the next night. I met him and we rode around in the mountains for hours singing “Lifes a Dance”. He held my hand and we walked along the water. He looked in my eyes and said he wished he hadn’t joined the Air Force but he had to go away. He kissed me and we said goodbye. I don’t know what we expected to happen there but it is such a beautiful memory of being young and carefree. I remember flying on spontaneous trips to visit my best friend in Austin, TX. We would simply sit on the balcony drinking beer and laughing. We would go to the gypsy festival downtown and sit on the grass having drinks and listening to music. Those moments were so carefree. I remember being on a weekend getaway alone in a quiet bed & breakfast in Vicksburg, MS. I sat in the courtyard reading and writing. I enjoyed the smell of gardenias around me. I loved how cool and crisp the fall air was. I remember not wanting to leave on Sunday morning. I miss taking those trips alone. There was no wild agenda planned just simplicity and quietness. These retreats were nourishment for the soul. So often people want to break silence. Silence feels awkward to most people. I enjoy the quiet moments where nothing needs to be said. Just breathe.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Poem: Imprisoned

By Ashley Bates
Imprisoned in a tomb that was once called my soul
I hideaway and close my eyes to find some peace within
I try to search through memories for a time when I was whole
Yet all I find are nightmares and points of original sin
I breathe in deep breaths yet only anguish do I exhale
I grip my knees to my chest and bury my face to cry
I try to flee and run away from this life that feels like hell
Yet here I am dusting off the heart that simply refuses to die

Completely Fickle?

Even the most fickle are faithful to a few bad habits. – Mason Cooley
I’ve typed and deleted for the last hour. I’ve tried to express what I’m feeling but I can’t quite find the words. I’m angry. I’m bitter and I’m angry. Why? Why the lies? I don’t understand lighting a fire inside of a woman’s heart only to leave it unattended to blaze out of control destroying her inside. Men wonder why good women turn bad. Men wonder why women become bitter bitches. I just want to scream. I want to go somewhere and scream. Have you ever felt this anger inside? The anger is directed at myself. I dropped my guard. It’s my fault. I knew better. I said from day one something didn’t feel quite right but I decided to jump anyway to see if I could trust myself and maybe distract myself from another false hope I was holding on to. Yes my intuitions are trustworthy. I should listen to the voice within. Trial and error. I gave him so many chances to retract the things he said. I told him I would only be disappointed if he made me fall without catching me. He assured me his arms were out. What is a man’s word anyway? I trust people. I was raised that a man’s word is all he has. It’s called being honorable and having integrity. Does no one believe in it anymore? Maybe I’m too old fashioned. Maybe I need to be like the idiots of today’s society. WE ARE NOT ALL COMPLETELY FICKLE. We may be fickle by nature but we are faithful to a few habits/conquests aren’t we? Look inside yourself. If we are fickle then that means you aren’t as fucking strong as you act like. I’m so damn angry. Why am I so loving and forgiving? Why am I so trusting and vulnerable? As angry as I am, I have no control over it. I will dust myself off and I will fall again. I’m relentless and it’s exhausting yet my heart has the strength of Leonidas. How ironic is that? Maybe the fairytale doesn’t exist. Maybe some men memorize excerpts from our storybooks and quote them at just the right moments and we fall victim to false hope. I would love to say never again but looking like a fool is just something I am accustomed to at this point. I feel like life played a cruel joke on me and I put on a good show. Maybe I am being primed to be something but maybe it isn’t something great. The gumption that I have often feels like a curse. This fight inside needs to be redirected towards something purposeful rather than love don’t you think?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The eyes are the windows to the soul

What do you see when you look into my eyes?
I walked into a store this morning and an older Indian man stopped me as soon as I handed him my money and he said that my eyes were deep. He could tell that I had seen many sorrows in my time and that he’s never seen someone so young with eyes that held many stories like mine. I was frozen for a moment. I have never encountered anything like that before. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there for what felt like minutes but probably only a few seconds and I told him they have but I’m a spitfire. I’m not sure if he knew what that meant. I told him to have a nice day and I got into my car. I drove away looking in the mirror at my eyes. I searched for what he saw but I couldn’t see it. When I look into my own eyes I feel pain. I don’t know where the source is but it was a weary feeling. Am I truly a broken soul? Is it possible that I am a marked woman? Here I am feeling like I’m on the verge of experiencing passion and romance again in my life and standing on my own two feet as a single mother of two little boys. Is it possible that people see through my smile and laughter into my life further? I felt as naked as the day that I was born. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I feel like there is nowhere to run and hide right now. I can suppress all the pain I’ve felt. All those stories he referred to are tucked away. I need for someone to create a little corner in their heart for me to hide and feel safe for a while. I need to not be so strong right now. I need someone to be strong for me. I’m waving the white flag and I’m saying that I do need someone. I do need to just be held and purge the tears I’ve been fighting. I need to cleanse my eyes of the secrets they are revealing. Tears cleanse the soul.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Love doesnt Hurt

“I truly believe that while love can hurt, love can also heal…”  -Nicholas Sparks
You know there are beautiful moments in life that some never really get to experience. You see the problem with settling is you either live a life of regret and wonder or you smother your passion with mediocrity and going through the motions. I said I would die alone before I settled for less than what I want and deserve.  So many have told me that it doesn’t exist. It does. It exists. I never said anything was perfect but it exists. That passion you feel for anything. That’s it. That heart pounding breath taking feeling. That’s it. That moment when you just feel a connection with someone and want to talk to them for hours. That’s it. That feeling you get when you go home and can’t wait until you can see someone again. That’s it. That is all I want. That exists. I’ve felt it but it didn’t last. Someday it will. I’m on the verge. I believe in quality over convenience. I’m an extremely faithful person. When I love I give it 100%. I love like I could lose it tomorrow. That is how life should be lived. Each day could be your last. We aren’t promised tomorrow. Make sure that you have loved with all you have because you are incapable of feeling that love if you refuse to give it.

Monday, June 3, 2013

New Perspective

“Fairy Tales always have a happy ending.' That depends... on whether you are Rumpelstiltskin or the Queen.” -Jane Yolen, Briar Rose 
I have talked to and met different people throughout the last month and it has been such an exhausting ride. I finally got closure from the deceptive soldier. He messaged me once he was back home and apologized for how he treated me. Of course his motives were still the same but I had the gumption to easily reject the advances. I almost laugh at myself for the silly tears I shed of that situation. It wasn’t necessarily over him it was really the idea I had built in my head of what it could be before I realized what it was. I was so vulnerable at the time I met him.  I’ve met some quite charming men but they fell so fast and it scared me. I ran and I hurt them because I avoided it all together. They were not right for me though.  I considered the idea that I may have developed actual commitment issued but the fact is if it felt right I would want to commit. God knows I would commit to “him”. I find myself comparing almost every man to “his” qualities and almost all of them fall short. There are a couple prospects though who run a close race. They are Intellectual men although they are military too and that’s a bit scary considering what I’ve gone through. I try not to judge others by people who have hurt me though. Only time will show true colors. I won’t allow myself to completely drop my guard until I actually meet them in person and know they are legit. I won’t allow words to paint a vision in my head. I will judge people on their actions. Actions are what truly matter.  I explained this and I hope that “the challenge” isn’t the driving force behind their pursuit.  Truth is they don’t really pursue at all. I like them because they don’t use the cliché lines and bullshit. I like real men who are respectable, have integrity, confidence and domineering. I would also like to add EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE. I smile as I type that because I didn’t heed a warning previously and found myself sucked in to a situation of “false hope”.  I realized that “he” may not be the one but “he” was put in my life to raise the bar. To show me the qualities I seek in a man. He lit a fire that no one has lit inside of me. He allowed me to see what I truly sought in a man. I feel like I’m giving up on him because I wanted to love him until he had no choice but to give in and see that it’s possible to have someone love you unconditionally by CHOICE for the rest of your life. I have to let go though. I can’t change anyone’s desire. I know that there is a man out there who fits the mold of what I am looking for and he is looking for a woman like me. Every day that I wake now I won’t be saddened by the realization that I don’t have what I want. I will be excited that today could be the day I get it. False hope? Maybe but I can’t smother the hope in my heart as much as I tried. I’m just that girl with relentless gumption. It’s who I am.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


I fully intend to employ my own cathartic treatment with wine and silence this weekend. I need to completely purge my mind of hysterical thoughts. I need to let go of “false hope”.  I have been hurting people left and right lately. It’s completely unintentional and I feel like a beast. I blog about this great romance and love but I can’t find anyone worthy of it. I wont settle but people make me feel like I’m wrong for this. I rushed into things so many times before. I know what I want and what I don’t. I meet one person with what seems to be all the qualities I desire and cant have him. I believe in signs. I believe that possibly I’m meant to be alone. I should be. Men try to talk to me and I warn them that I’m only seeking friendship and if something happens then it does. I enjoy my space and my life. I don’t require a lot of affection. I simply want to know its available. The less clingy I am it seems the harder they pursue until I’m forced to end the friendship. They are bitter and mean at that point. I’ve been called a heartless bitch and told that I will die alone. Im not heartless it just hasnt feel right. I’m sure one day I will meet someone and it will just feel right. If it happens then it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Have no worry of being alone. I’d rather have something real than live a mediocre life that is unfulfilling and full of resentment and wonder. I’m not being picky. The qualities I seek in a man are far from shallow. In fact they are deep rooted qualities that are very rare. Roots that deep are immovable and respectable. Emotions are fleeting and so far my heart has proven to be rather fickle but only because I have not found what it is I need. I still firmly stand on my opinion that most people base their decisions on infatuation when it comes to relationships. Infatuation is a byproduct of love. Love is an action word.  Love is a choice. Love is in spite of rather than because of. I still feel emotions but I know what they are. I know why I feel them but I don’t necessarily know how to stop them.  My grandparents who raised me did not show affection or emotion.  I sought it out. I was on a great mission to feel like I saw others feeling but I’ve only come up empty handed. I’ve met a lot of people who feel deeply for me yet I didn’t for them. I will meet my match one day. It will just feel right. We will both just know. I’m slowly finding myself taking a different course than the one I originally set out on. Maybe it’s a result of disappointment, failure and pain or maybe its destiny. I wonder if detaching isn’t something we can intentionally do but rather something that happens as a result of hopelessness.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Let the Wanting Go

“Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.”  -Nicholas Sparks
It’s one of those days. I said I’d never regret knowing him and I don’t but I’m in agony. I’m the fool who sends random texts just to see his name light up. I’ve never been “that fool”. He’s distanced himself from me and maybe it was best but its painful. I enjoyed our chats. I suppose my confession ruined that. I wonder when this desire will subside. Its agonizing at times. I look at his picture and I just want to hold his face and kiss him. I want to feel his arms around me and I want to breathe him in.  He is such an enigma to me. I know what he said but here I am hoping that someday he will want someone like me. Isnt that crazy? I’m not turning down potential suitors for this hope. I still pray I’ll find someone just as amazing as he is to make me forget. The problem is no one compares to him. The more they tell me what I want to hear the more I wish it were coming from him. The more they pursue the more I run because deep down I want him. The desire will fade I’m sure. I’ll have that moment when I wake up and realize this is ridiculous. The man doesn’t want me. He said he’d never. Perhaps we chase people in hopes that we’ll never catch up. But maybe we chase them because we know why they’re running. I know all about partial reinforcement. I know that his inconsistent response is playing quite the manipulation game with my mind. I know that it is unintentional though. I know his intentions are far from enticing me. He doesn’t want the chase. He doesn’t want to be my conquest. He simply wants to pursue his own. I must let go of this idea and move on. I know that this unpredictability will cause me to lose faith in this pursuit all together and I’m just waiting for my mind to shut it down. I know what I have to do but I can’t walk away from him right now. I can’t not talk to him right now. Those small fixes are needed.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Nicholas Sparks Quotes

My favorite author is Nicholas Sparks. I've read all of his books and he captures the very idea of love that I seek. He inspires me to pursue Great Love and I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from his books. Keep in mind I could go on and on with them but I selected these to share for now. I think they help you understand the things that stick out to me. These quotes mean something to me and I have related to all of them at some point.

“Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.” –Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother


“The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.”- Nicholas Sparks, Dear John


“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” –Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight


“She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...” –Nicholas Sparks, The Lucky One


“There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can.” –Nicholas Sparks, Dear John


“She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.”
-Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


“Yes, I decided, a man can truly change. The events of the past year have taught me much about myself, and a few universal truths. I learned, for instance, that while wounds can be inflicted easily upon those we love, it's often much more difficult to heal them. Yet the process of healing those wounds provided the richest experience of my life, leading me to believe that while I've often overestimated what I could accomplish in a day, I had underestimated what I could do in a year. But most of all, I learned that it's possible for two people to fall in love all over again, even when there's been a lifetime of disappointment between them.” –Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?” –Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


“There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one’s cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore.” –Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle


“I know that somehow, every step I took since the moment I could walk was a step towards finding you.”- Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle


“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” –Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

Never a Burden

I often look at the faces of people walking by.  I search for expressions that look familiar to me. Maybe I do this to not feel so alone. The truth is every single person in the world is struggling with something. To them that something is just as hard as what you are struggling with. I find myself struggling internally constantly. On the outside I’m twirling and smiling. Making people laugh while screaming inside. People think that no one else could understand what they are going through but I do. I’m sure I’ve felt it. If we would share our grief and share our pain then it wouldn’t be so hard but we don’t. I’ve realized that our future is dictated by what we are opposed to what we want. We spend our lives acting and pretending like everything is ok. We wear masks and we lose ourselves in this whole charade. We spend so much time hiding from others that we convince ourselves and create this great confusion inside of ourselves.  We are creating unnecesary pain internally. We are fueling the fire inside. If I'm hurting or feeling something I have to get it out in some form. It may be my blog, poetry, song, or venting to a confidant. I still feel pain but I know how to release. I think its important for people to understand that sharing their pain isnt being a burden to others.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Epihpany: Great Love


Lately I seemed to have gotten a grip on reality. Although my head seems to wander aimlessly in the clouds my feet have been grounded. I still have moments when I think of things and my heart stings. I still have the desire for great love. I still loathe the conquest for wanting great love. I am still a contradiction. I still smile. I don't cry myself to sleep as often lately.  I still hang on to some things I've heard recently. I overthink them and analyze them. I'm being told to give up on this idea of love because its only in the movies. Its only make believe. The thing is its not because I've realized it exists inside of me. I am the great love that I seek. I have everything inside of me to sustain the one who I deem worthy of it. I've always said that love is an action word not an emotion. I choose to love in spite of.  I choose to give love to people. Some do not accept it. Somewhere there is someone who wants to be loved unconditionally forever. I'm sure there are a lot of people who do. Hell don't we all? I am the love I want to be in. I feel like I could scream that. I feel like tears could just flow because of this great epiphany in my life. I know it exists because I see it in my reflection. I am full of grace and forgiveness. I am aware that people make mistakes. People will let you down because we are all human. I will fail. I will let people down. Unconditional love is choosing to love someone in spite of those mistakes. Granted I'm not saying I'll be a doormat for anyone but then you take in the concept of basic respect. If I find someone compatible with my life then I will bless them with this great love inside of me. I already love everyone. I already seek to serve people and make their day brighter. People remember me for that. People smile when they talk about me and I have no reason to ever think I'm not enough. People who have never received great love are incapable of understanding it and reciprocating it. I can't fault them for that I can only continue to extend my hand and my heart until they know what it feels like to have endless grace and mercy bestowed upon them. I want to be that. I am that. I'm beaming with excitement because of this revelation. I have no reserve in admitting that the only man who ever came close to being what I deemed "The One" will never love me. I am not ok with that but just as this bold resolve gripped me someday I will understand why he was not right for me. One day I will wake up and no longer compare other suitors to him. One day I may even wake up and meet someone who intrigues me just the same who teaches me things and who is open to accepting my great love. I won't question my worth anymore because I know who I am as a person. We are all different with different conquests. My emotions make me feel so alive and I wouldn't change me. Ultimately I am great love!

I love you without knowing
how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know
no other way that this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand
on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close
as I fall asleep.
Pablo Neruda

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Primed for Greatness

Lately I’m tired from all the emotions I’ve felt. When I set out to bleed this life for all it’s worth I didn’t know what I had coming.  Through the tears, pain, joy and hardship I can’t help but smile.  Even when I’m broken I can still smile. I smile because I’m free. I’m no longer a slave to emotional and physical abuse.  I no longer have the fear of driving home each day.  I know that my home is a place where I can unwind and relax. The tension has disappeared. I do still deal with occasional drama but it passes.  I wanted to detach and no longer feel. It feels like wishful thinking to me. It’s just not in my nature to give up that easily.  I can’t let go of something until I’ve exhausted every effort in my being.  I refuse to live with the “what ifs”.  My heart has been broken so many times and each time is different. I have felt infatuation and chosen to love many times and each time is different.  I feel broken more often than not but at the same time there is wholeness to my broken heart because my spirit is not broken. My spirit refuses to die.  She is a spitfire and full of gumption.  When my heart is weary she cheers it on.  I’m never down long and I’m on to the next lesson to be learned.  When I refer to life experiences I’m not always referring to love. When I find the one then I feel that all life experiences from there on out will be shared together in the process of making memories that we will reminisce over when we are old.  I don’t understand the evil nature in people. It is the one thing that puzzles me.  I can’t fathom ever treating someone the way I have been treated in my life.  I can’t help but wonder how a person lives life with no conscious to hurt others in that capacity.  I may get my feelings hurt and have a good cry but I move on. I’m always moving because I fear becoming stagnant.  We can always improve. We can always give. We can always love. Those are endless possibilities for opportunity and growth.  I feel that all this pain I’ve felt and continue to feel is doing nothing but priming me for greatness. 

Monday, May 6, 2013

Goodbye my Confidant

I tried to kill my heart but it just would not die

I am destined for great love yet I don’t know why

With all great love is tragedy of this I know for sure

I only wanted to love you regardless how obscure

This pain I feel deep within I’ve never felt before

I’ve never met someone who’s left me wanting more

I can’t give you rhyme or reason for all the tears I’ve cried

If loving me feels like treason at least I know I tried

I had a feeling this day would come somehow I always knew

There’s a reason for everything and I’m blessed to have known you

Friday, May 3, 2013

I take you as I can

“I try all things, I achieve what I can.”
―  Herman Melville- Moby Dick

How ironic is it that I associate this story with you now?
How can I not smile when I think of its context and plot?

I allowed myself to sink in the notion that one day you’d feel for me

I entertained such a childlike dream to the point of belief

Now I’m left with the self inflicted grief

I look in your eyes and I’m lost for what seems like hours

You are my enigma

All I long for is to feel your hands on me and to hear your voice

I want to listen to you for hours on end…days on end

I want to soak up everything you are willing to share

If hope is the biggest maker of slaves then it made me a slave to my own heart while seeking yours

I had hoped you would think of me at some point during your day or night

That those thoughts would make you smile

I’m left with certainty that I am nothing but a person to you

A conversation to kill time when you decide you want to kill some

Truth is I’ll take it

I now have the wisdom to know better

I only lack the gumption to stop

I’ll always respect your “conquest”

I’ll just adore you from afar and take you as I can

I’d give anything in this world to know someone ever felt such adoration for me and all that I am

It may have been my appearance, charm or any other trait some suitor saw in me but never all of me

Everything about you is amazing and you know that

The fact that you withhold it may be painful to me but it’s beautiful at the same time

You are like a favorite classic in a historical library

I can hold you and study you but you’ll never be mine

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Attempting to Detach

The thoughts are flooding in faster than I can take them down. I’ve felt like my body is leaking every ounce of passion I once had for seeking love. I feel more like a shell. The sting is so heavy that I feel sleepy all of the time. I’m tired and there comes a time when you have to face reality. My reality is that I was deserted as a child. I wasn’t enough. I drowned that pain in dreams. I lived through fairytales and fables. I escaped my pain by pretending that there could be some prince on a white horse that is going to swoop in and save me from my unhappiness. He hasn’t in 30 years so why now? Why would I expect to be enough now? I’ve been a fool far too long. I’m much too intelligent to allow myself to continue this endless journey to nowhere. There is no pot of gold beneath the rainbow. I put my hope in some notion that someone else could save me from my pain. I simply need to be self reliant and resistant. I had someone call me out once and told me that I was already hard but I had not realized it yet. I was told that I do to others what I expect not to be done to me. I repeat the pain. They told me it wasn’t that I was seeking love but that I loved to “win”. I don’t want to think too deeply about this idea because I feel like there is some truth to it. Not completely true though.  I do love the euphoric feeling that infatuation gives but I am going to envision that it is a drug. A poison to my soul. I must refrain from it to detox. This is going to be the hardest thing in my life to smother but I’m ready. I’m scared. I’m broken but I never want to feel again. I don’t want to be the way that I am. I keep getting hurt. I can’t and I won’t again. I almost get angry when men text me with the cliché compliments and lines today. I almost feel like they are insulting my intelligence more so than complimenting me. I don’t need pretty little lies. I have begun to resent the very dream I once lived for. Tragic Irony.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Don't Give up

I can’t help but feel I’m on the verge of something amazing.  I give my heart away only to have it rejected or broken and returned. As much pain as I feel my soul refuses to die. In order for something to thrive you have to feed it. I was in the shower this morning when I dropped to hug my knees and sob hysterically. A resolve gripped me to kill my heart by denying it love. If I just shut down and lock it up tight then I will never feel pain again. I dismissed this notion. I know that the feeling of infatuation and love is so worth the pain I feel. I can’t help but feel that every heartache only leads me closer to the one who will heal it all someday. Every time I drop my guard and let someone in they hurt me yet I keep the door unlocked. I just want to be everything to one person. I’m taking every feeling I have and associating with the source. I’ve built this man in my mind and I know he’s out there. I don’t know when, where or how he will come to me but he is looking for me right now. I’m the answer to the prayers he has offered up daily. He is the answer to mine. He has somehow felt me every time I cried hoping he would just come save me from the emptiness I feel. Maybe every time I’ve felt empty were times that he was low as well. I need for him to know that I’m here. I have the love to sustain him for a lifetime. I just hope he isn’t giving up on love either. Stay strong whoever you are. Know that wherever you are I’m praying for you. We will find each other someday. I hope.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Insanity vs. Faith

It seems I only blog on nights like tonight. I can't wait for this rain to roll in. I can't wait to walk outside and let it wash over me. I keep getting knocked down and I stand right back up. My soul refuses to die and I'm tired. I'm so tired. I say I want this great love but truth is I feel like I can reach out and grab it but I don't. There is one feeling I'm seeking and until I meet the one that makes me feel that way I can't give my heart away. What if I dont even have a heart to give anymore?  I know I'm a mess and I'm scattered. I don't know how to find the pieces to begin to repair it. Am I the one to fix me anyway? I have so many thoughts in my head lately. Its like I'm two different people. I can detach and be this intriguing girl that demands respect and leaves people awestruck and I can be this broken Belle wearing her heart on her sleeve. Truth is even when I try to pretend I'm the strong one I'm really just hoping someone sees through it. I seem to feel this sting in my chest a lot more than the butterflies I'm praying for. I can see circumstances arent good but I want to challenge it and see if I'm the exception. I thought about this a lot. I had a seed planted early in my life that I wasnt enough. That I was easy to walk away from. Ever since then I want to push until someone says I'm gonna love you no matter what. I'm gonna love you through this and past your pain. I'm gonna help you get over this because you are worthy of it. This is why I don't go for the easy scenarios. I see impossible and I chase it. If I can make the most impossible person fall in love with me then I'm truly worth it. Lately all I seem to get is lies. I get promises that were never intended to be kept. I get lines that are meant to melt my heart with no intentions of love. I dont have to give my body to anyone to feel loved. I learned that a long time ago. I'm worth so much more. I have a love inside of me that can sustain a lifetime of souls. I have so much empathy and so much love to give but I have to meet the one that Im searching for. I could describe him but the details would take all day and theres no way I can describe the feeling I know I'll feel when I find him. When I do find him I dont need all these titles and rules because it will just flow naturally and we will just both know. Its gonna happen at a pace where I dont get scared and run. I don't mean to hurt people but maybe when I run I just need someone to grab me and stop me. Don't let me go because that only tells me I'm not worth the effort. I've felt that my entire life. I wasnt worth it. I know who I am inside. I know that somewhere I'm the answer to someones prayer. He is gonna know its me the second he lays eyes on me. He's damn sure not going to let me go. In the meantime I may still fall for men that are impossible because its in my nature but eventually he will come along. I guess the good thing is my body is on auto-pilot because I seem to have superhuman strength and gumption. I won't give up as much as I say I want to. I dont. I recently heard that dating was such a childish thing. Romance isnt for everyone. Can I be both a Storgic and Eros Lover? I feel like I have the qualities of both yet I seem to be falling hard for the Pragmatic lover who is boldly telling me it'll never happen. I'm gonna listen this time but he is the closest thing I've ever found to being someone I could honestly give my everything to and never run. Truth is if he were the one he wouldn't reject the notion of love. He would let me. So maybe there is another him somewhere.  Here I am trying and trying again having faith in love but is it faith or insanity? If it is insanity how do I let go of this silly notion that I'm going to be swept off my feet and live happily every after? After all its so childish. I guess it's time to grow up and face reality but I just need to know how.