Hard Rules

2013 has been a year of self discovery for me. With all the highs and lows I've learned so much and seemingly have taught a little along with way. I look back on circumstances I thought I'd never get over and realize that they've tattooed my heart. People like me love with everything we have and give with everything we have. We get broken because we put ourselves out there. It wasn't until recently I learned risk management in a healthy way. I don't have to build walls. Hell I couldn't if I tried. Its just not in me. I'm a writer and a dreamer. Words captivate me and always have. It was words that led me to fall quickly and have unrealistic expectations of people because words are just that. They are nothing without action. Integrity is a dying quality in today's society and I have to face the facts that a man's word isn't everything anymore. My old fashioned values have left me pursuing a needle in a haystack and to be quite honest with you I like that. I've really thought I found him a few times this year and he abandoned me every time. His words failed him. I have a friend who talked to me about minimizing my risk. He asked me to come up with 4 hard rules that if broken I walk away. He said that I need to make those rules clear so that there is no confusion. The more I thought on this concept I realized the rules were for me. The rules were set to make sure I knew my boundaries. I'm not getting any younger and I know what I want this is make sure I don't waste my time on any man who doesn't want the same things in life as I do. The problem before was that they told me everything I wanted to hear. If I had these rules set in place back then their words would've fallen short from the door because they never backed them up. Once I've "pre-qualified" a man and deemed him "husband" material  these are my hard rules. These are not to be confused with my dating rules which I will discuss in another blog.

1. Do not lie to me. This includes withholding information or skating around the truth. Any form of dishonesty/deception will result in me saying goodbye.

2. I will not maintain an unequal relationship. If I am constantly feeling like I care more or I am exhausting more effort than he is I will end it. We should both want it as much as the other and make the other feel secure by our actions and communication.

3. Communication is a must. I'm not saying you have to call/text 24/7 because we all need our space and have other responsibilities but communicating so the other person knows they are thought of and not being avoided is necessary. If you cant talk or simply do not feel like talking for any reason then send a quick text explaining that and we are good. That leaves no room for fear, doubt, over-thinking and confusion to set in. It is important to keep the other person feeling secure about the status of the relationship and its progression. This helps to build and keep trust. If you go long periods of time without talking to me or barely put in effort communicating with me then I will walk away because this also falls into #2

4. This should be a given but just to be clear. I will not compete with another woman for your attention. If you like to chat with other women and "hangout" with other women this will not work. No explanation required.

5. If you do not treat me with respect then I will walk away. If you want a lady then treat me like one. There is a way to speak to me if you're upset about something and raising your voice, your hand or using cuss words towards me is unacceptable. I will never disrespect a man or treat anyone like that and I expect the same.

If I stick to these rules then the relationship should be able to progress into something long term but if these simple rules can not be respected then he is wasting my time and is not the type of man I seek as a spouse.




~Thank you Will for your wisdom! The strongest people seek counsel rather than trying to be self reliant!~

Put Fear in it's Place

 

“Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who carried Fear as her constant companion.
It wasn’t fear of wild animals, impending danger, or the shadows that lurk in the night. In fact, her friend Fear had become disassociated with any real thing. It had become an entity all its own that could morph and wind its way into any circumstance the woman happened to be in.
The woman wasn’t born this way.
When she was small, Fear had served her well and taught her how to stay out of harm’s way. But as the girl grew and experienced the world around her (which could sometimes be harsh and painful), Fear found a foothold for power.
Fear taught the girl that Harsh and Painful were always just around the corner, even when they weren’t, and showed her how to avoid life so that she wouldn’t meet them. When she did meet Harsh and Painful, Fear said, “I told you so. You better stick with me.”

Sometimes her erstwhile friend Fear thought it was fun to poke around in the young woman’s mind, searching for weak spots so that it could manufacture something that felt as real as an oncoming train or a lurking monster.
Fear was sneaky like that. It liked to torment and create havoc in the woman’s heart and mind. It whispered stories in her ear that weren’t true or only had a grain of truth. Fear liked to embellish. Fear liked to stir the pot.
The woman knew that she’d allowed Fear to become her master. But she kept feeding it by worrying, over-thinking, pontificating, ruminating, and believing without question. As Fear munched away growing fatter and stronger, the young woman began to shrink.
She shrunk so small that she could fit into the safe box that Fear hadn’t infiltrated—little did she know Fear had built just for her.
She felt comfortable in the box; and Fear liked her there because it kept him in control.

Fortunately, the box had windows. And after a while, the woman started looking outside. She saw other people in boxes just like hers. Just like her, they were safe and quietly contained with Fear guarding the door.
But she saw something else, something that stirred her heart and soul.
She saw people who weren’t in boxes.
These people had room to run, move freely, and do anything they wished. They were doing exciting, creative, adventurous things (many of the same things that Fear had warned her about).
But they were happy. They weren’t hiding. In fact, she could see Fear chasing them, but these people laughed at Fear. And when Fear did catch them, they would firmly cast Fear aside and put Fear in a box!
How amazing!!
How liberating!
The woman cracked the door of the box, and yelled over Fear’s head to the people outside, “How did you conquer Fear like that? How did you put Fear in a box?”
“Truth,” they shouted back. “We battled Fear with Truth and Inquiry, and Fear lost all of its powers!”
“How do I find Truth and Inquiry?” asked the woman.
“It’s that light inside of you,” they said. “And all you have to do is shine it in Fear’s face.”
Tentatively, the woman picked one of Fear’s favorite weak spots, and she look inside herself for Truth and Inquiry. She found a faint, flickering light and held it up to Fear.
Immediately, Fear grew weaker. And as Fear grew weaker, the woman started to grow. Truth and Inquiry got brighter too.
With practice, the woman was able to shine the light on all of the weak spots that Fear had created. Eventually, the woman grew too big, too strong, too powerful for the box.
As soon as she burst out of the box, she saw Fear cowering outside.
Her heart went out to Fear, because she remembered how it felt to cower. She gently placed Fear in the box, because she knew she might need Fear on occasion. But now she saw Fear for what it was—her servant, not her master. And Truth had set her free.

Fear has caused many people to walk away from me. Fear has cost me what could possibly be the love of a lifetime. People say what's meant to be will always find a way and this is true to some degree but we have to reach out and grab on to those we want in our lives. The problem with this is that we have all been jaded and hurt. When someone says "Im scared" what they are saying is they dont trust their decisions or you. Even if they realize you're wonderful and want to take that chance Fear grips them and they don't want to risk the pain again. You can't force them but my heart breaks that I've suffered and had to move on in my life because someone chose Fear over me but I've chosen Fear over others and no longer will I run. Fear doesn't have a grip on my life any longer. I choose happiness.

A Life Worth Living

 

“And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.”  -Nicholas Sparks

I haven't blogged recently because honestly my thoughts have been so scattered that I couldn't seem to make sense of them let alone share them. A few days ago someone said something to me that rocked me. He asked me why I was not doing more than what I am doing now. He pointed out my strengths and possibilities. He said that everyone dies but not everyone lives. I've heard that before but no one has ever personally accused me of "not living my life". I reflected on this and for some reason I was overwhelmed with emotion. He is right. I want so much more out of life and as much as I claim to be living my life, I am not. I'm simply flirting with life. Fear is holding me back. I don't know what I fear. I've said time and time again that people do not rise to meet their potential because its easier not to. I have been that person. People always suggested that I write a book but I started this blog as a beta because I had claimed to have no clue where to begin. It begins with research about where to begin.  One step at a time but as long as I'm moving toward a goal I will make progress. He also suggested that I get out more. I use the excuse that I have no one to go with me. I've been silenced and made to feel foolish for years and I don't have to cower any longer. I intend on getting out more. Its exhausting putting myself out there over and over again to be hurt. I'm well aware that this is necessary to find what it is I am looking for so I take it. I accept failure because people who fear failure never progress. They are slaves. I am going to make steps to live life to the fullest potential. I am going to stop letting fear creep in and hinder me. I am going to stop making excuses and enjoy the moments I am given. Last night while lying in bed I realized that so often I view my life as if its something waiting to happen while its happening all around me. I can't get this time back. The time to live is now. We aren't promised tomorrow. If I fail and if I hurt then so be it but one day I will be successful in my conquest for "The One". I've often thought that will be the end of my story. It will be the end of search but a new chapter will begin and we will leave behind a legacy of relentless pursuit. Our lives will have told a story of perseverance and passion. We will not fall into the category of mediocrity. We will not fall into a category at all. We will stand alone as all great love stories do. Until then we will live our lives until we find one another but we can never do this if we do not start living.

New Beginnings harvest Hope

 

“Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else.”  -Nicholas Sparks

New beginnings are always enchanting. They are full of hope and excitement. They leave us with intrigue that fuels what feels like an addiction. New beginnings can harvest wishful thinking, daydreams, relentless smiling and a feeling deep down that is euphoric. I believe these feelings are simply our soul beaming with anticipation that finally they’ve found “The One”. This is what makes me feel alive. These moments are the epitome of romantic bliss. The key word in all of this is HOPE. In a world where we are let down countless time these moments spark that hope in us once again. In a lifetime of heartbreak we realize that the same emotion that once broke us can heal us again. There is such beauty in these moments because we beam with enthusiasm. We wake in the morning with a smile and anticipation of knowing that we were on someone’s mind throughout the night just as they occupied ours. We go to bed at night reluctantly because ending a phone conversation is nearly impossible. New beginnings prompt us to fast forward in our minds and envision doing even the simplest tasks with another. The most ordinary things can be extraordinary with the right person. When our soul seems to have found its match we do the best we can to express this feeling but ultimately it is reflected in everything we do.

Timing, Chemistry and Conquest

Dear Past: Thanks for the lessons.  Dear Future: I'm ready.  Love, Ashley  

The top 3 issues with finding love are timing, chemistry, and conquests. I meet men who have everything I'm looking for but we may not have a spark or chemistry when we meet. One of us does and the other doesn't. I've met men who weren't emotionally available because of marriage or mental blocks due to a painful past. Timing is an issue. I've met men who are everything I need and the chemistry is there for both BUT they simply aren't ready to settle right now. Conquests don’t align. Everything has to line up perfectly for it to work and that is a challenge. This will happen when it happens.

 Someone recently told me about the "Red String Theory". That two people are connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This is similar to the concept of soul mates or a destined flame. I dont believe in one soul mate for every person. I believe love is a choice and you choose who you want to be with for life. The idea of a soul mate stands to reason that you're destined to be together forever regardless of circumstance but in any relationship you get out of it what you put in. 

I believe in biblical gender roles. That is where the husband is the patriarch of his family. He is the leader. With that being said, not all men are qualified for this role and its up to women to choose and marry wisely. A man who seeks God first is led by him therefore submitting to him as a wife is obeying God. A man is designed to thrive on respect, feeling needed and appreciated. A woman's role is to submit and support her husband/family. She thrives on affection and feeling safe/secure. 

 Most married men that cheat will tell you they aren't appreciated at home, their wife doesn't make them feel needed/wanted, and they are not respected. Their wives are prioritizing everything but him, controlling, nagging, stopped trying, refuse sex and they feel more like roommates. If you make a man feel like he is the only man alive, respect him for being the leader/provider of the home, appreciate him for everything he does and submit to him completely then he will adore you and appreciate you for that. He will do anything to hold on to that feeling. He will not want to disappoint the person who looks up to him in every way and depends on him. At the same time you offer a support role. You are his cheerleader and no matter what he does you trust his decision. Even if you doubt you follow. Always keep up with yourself like you did in the beginning. Keep the passion alive so it doesnt die. 

 I am not justifying infidelity. Im simply emphasizing the importance of maintaining a healthy marriage. If your husband communicates with you that he doesnt like something, wants more of something or needs something then listen to make sure you’re meeting his needs. He should do the same. The problem is that people get stuck in the mindset of "I shouldnt have to ask. They should just know". One or both become bitter then selfish and refuse to meet the others needs because they feel their partner isnt doing enough. 

 When a woman isnt happy in the marriage it is alot easier for her to ask for a divorce. Men are looked at as though they’re abandoning their families. Women usually end up with the kids and men are given every other weekend. They dont want to be part-time fathers. They stay in a love-less marriage because they typically have more to lose. 

 Alot of single women dont set out to be homewreckers. Often they find themselves deeply involved with a man before they discover he is married. They believe his story or sympathize with his circumstances because they're now invested. There are a few signs to look for. It’s  better to identify it early on so you're not blindsided later. 

 I have learned over time that married men like to engage in conversation over social media. They sometimes use fake profile pages to do this so they go undetected but alot of times they keep it vague so they can play it off if you question them. Most simply want conversation and flirting because they want to feel wanted again. Alot of times they'll initiate sexual conversations and/or solicit photos because thats the extent of the affair they're comfortable having. The men who are lonely and seeking that emotional connection typically become attached quickly. You’re meeting the needs that aren’t being met at home. 

 There are of course those who are strictly looking for sex and they do not usually engage in alot of conversation unless its strictly sexual or asking to meet for obvious reasons. These almost always use fake profiles or texting apps they can delete before going home. Very seldom are they forthcoming with who they really are but they will admit to being married or say they’re seperated. 

 If you meet a married man in public rather than online he will probably not tell you his real name. He will get your number and text through an app. He usually says he doesn't have any social media for whatever reason. There’s  also the issue of why you can't go to his place. He’s either “staying with someone” or  “travels with work” etc. but he “will come to you”.  

 It doesn’t matter if someone is going through a divorce when you meet or you find yourself in love with a married man who swears he is leaving... it will not work. He may even think he is in love with you. “You are everything he wants in a wife”, so he leaves his family for you. Once the reality hits and he has actual freedom then his mentality will change. You were a distraction when he felt stuck. You were a bandaid to help him through. You were a nice supplement to what he was missing. Now that he is free, your relationship will change. You will struggle with trust because you know how you got him. He will leave you and transition into his once again bachelor phase. The same applies to newly divorced men. The rebound is a passionate, whirlwind romance but it doesn't last. Once again the issues of timing and conquest are at play. 

 Because I am an INFJ personality type and read people well, my intuition takes over almost instantly. I often know someone’s  situation without much conversation if any. I begin to call them on what they’re doing and why. They immediately freak out because I know what they haven’t even admitted to themselves. At the same time, they feel liberated and understood. It's a comforting feeling and they instantly open up to me. I then give them some advice they will NOT take and I tell them how their situation is going to play out. On several occasions, they have reached back out to tell me I was spot on. Unfortunately some get excited and intrigued so much that they confuse it with what they think is love or a twin flame. I have had to block communication with those. They are going to have an emotional roller coaster through their process and I dont want to ride. 

 There a many more scenarios and outcomes I could share but my advice still stands. Keep up with your homework or leave. You can judge me for being a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, bandaid or mislabeled homewrecker but I know what I’m talking about and so does your husband.

I wont apologize

 

I've learned to never settle for whats pratical or smart Chase your dreams because you only get one chance to..

I haven’t blogged in a while and I need to release. I found myself entertaining the possibility that I’m getting close to finding what I’ve been looking for. That was quickly interrupted by the stabbing sensation in my chest brought on by disappointment and deception. It seems those two things and I have become rather fond of one another lately. The truth is I’m not a runner. I realized that. I don’t run when I meet someone I want. I fight for that. I don’t give up unless I know that I’ve given it all I have. The problem hasn’t been with me running from good men. The truth is that even though some men are good they may not be for me. That’s only because I know what I want and don’t want. I won’t settle. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.  I won’t apologize for that.

His Arms

I want to fall into arms that open to hold me
I want to feel them wrap around me tightly so that I feel safe
I want to hide there to escape everything
I want those arms to be home
Home is where the heart is
These arms I see in my dreams dry my tears
Im nestled in an embrace that protects me
When I'm there nothing can touch me and nothing else matters
Im there breathing him into my soul
Im there thanking God for bringing a knight to keep me safe
I'm there appreciating these arms that hold me and work so hard to provide
When I'm there my past is forgotten
I can only see forward into a future of happiness
In those arms I find the peace and joy that I've sought forever
Those arms hold me so tightly that my body remembers and I can feel it even when he lets go
I'm better in those arms
Once I'm in them I intend to never let go
When I'm wrapped tight in those arms my lips rest against his heart
I whisper to it everything I feel
Not only do these arms provide a shelter from everything in the world
He creates a little corner in his heart for me to hide
This security is something people long for
Everyone wants to see the extension of arms
Open arms display vulnerability and expose the truth
Open arms display trust and loyalty
You see as I'm wrapped in these arms mine are open and wrapped around his back
Thats where I intend to always be
Right behind him supporting him as he leads me
He leads me because he is the man I've been seeking
For that I will forever be submissive to his every want and need





  

Retreat Needed

 

Have you slowed down long enough to breathe lately? I was looking at this pic that my sister and I took last summer on Navarre Beach and I realize I haven't taken a moment to breathe lately. It’s beginning to wear on my psyche. I remember the moments that I stopped and took things in. I remember sitting in the cool grass back home looking out at the cotton fields for miles. I remember taking in the beauty and the pride I felt of being raised in the small farm community called Leesburg, MS. I remember my grandfather backing a full cotton trailer under the barn to hold until the next day because the gin had closed for the evening. I would run out to the barn in barefeet and my long gown and climb up to the very top of the trailer then free fall backwards into the warm dusty cotton. I slept there many nights staring up at the moon and making up songs. I’ve always been that wide eyed dreamer. I remember enjoying walks in barefeet down dusty roads that led into the woods. I would find bugs and leaves. I would swim in undisturbed creeks. I loved watching the clear water flow over the top of my feet wondering where it was traveling. I would sit under trees and read Tom Sawyer and daydream about his carefree gumption.  I remember as a teen I would visit the same scenes for the same experiences yet I would also visit them to cry. I’ve always searched for hidden places to release my pain. It was never enough just to cry in my room with the door closed. I needed to get as far away as possible and conceal any possibility that someone could find me. I remember taking trips to Lake Washington with my parents and walking down the delta backroads in awe at the Indian Mounds there. I visited abandoned plantation homes imagining the history and stories the walls could tell. I remember sitting in the library at school for hours looking at books that no one had ever considered reading; mostly poetry and historical reads. In high school I remember taking a spring break trip to Gatlinburg. I was walking and shopping one evening and I remember this silver dodge pull up beside me as I walked and this beautiful blue eyed boy charmed his way into a date the next night. I met him and we rode around in the mountains for hours singing “Lifes a Dance”. He held my hand and we walked along the water. He looked in my eyes and said he wished he hadn’t joined the Air Force but he had to go away. He kissed me and we said goodbye. I don’t know what we expected to happen there but it is such a beautiful memory of being young and carefree. I remember flying on spontaneous trips to visit my best friend in Austin, TX. We would simply sit on the balcony drinking beer and laughing. We would go to the gypsy festival downtown and sit on the grass having drinks and listening to music. Those moments were so carefree. I remember being on a weekend getaway alone in a quiet bed & breakfast in Vicksburg, MS. I sat in the courtyard reading and writing. I enjoyed the smell of gardenias around me. I loved how cool and crisp the fall air was. I remember not wanting to leave on Sunday morning. I miss taking those trips alone. There was no wild agenda planned just simplicity and quietness. These retreats were nourishment for the soul. So often people want to break silence. Silence feels awkward to most people. I enjoy the quiet moments where nothing needs to be said. Just breathe.

The eyes are the windows to the soul

 

What do you see when you look into my eyes?

 

I walked into a store this morning and an older Indian man stopped me as soon as I handed him my money and he said that my eyes were deep. He could tell that I had seen many sorrows in my time and that he’s never seen someone so young with eyes that held many stories like mine. I was frozen for a moment. I have never encountered anything like that before. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there for what felt like minutes but probably only a few seconds and I told him they have but I’m a spitfire. I’m not sure if he knew what that meant. I told him to have a nice day and I got into my car. I drove away looking in the mirror at my eyes. I searched for what he saw but I couldn’t see it. When I look into my own eyes I feel pain. I don’t know where the source is but it was a weary feeling. Am I truly a broken soul? Is it possible that I am a marked woman? Here I am feeling like I’m on the verge of experiencing passion and romance again in my life and standing on my own two feet as a single mother of two little boys. Is it possible that people see through my smile and laughter into my life further? I felt as naked as the day that I was born. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I feel like there is nowhere to run and hide right now. I can suppress all the pain I’ve felt. All those stories he referred to are tucked away. I need for someone to create a little corner in their heart for me to hide and feel safe for a while. I need to not be so strong right now. I need someone to be strong for me. I’m waving the white flag and I’m saying that I do need someone. I do need to just be held and purge the tears I’ve been fighting. I need to cleanse my eyes of the secrets they are revealing. Tears cleanse the soul.

Catharsis

 

I fully intend to employ my own cathartic treatment with wine and silence this weekend. I need to completely purge my mind of hysterical thoughts. I need to let go of “false hope”.  I have been hurting people left and right lately. It’s completely unintentional and I feel like a beast. I blog about this great romance and love but I can’t find anyone worthy of it. I wont settle but people make me feel like I’m wrong for this. I rushed into things so many times before. I know what I want and what I don’t. I meet one person with what seems to be all the qualities I desire and cant have him. I believe in signs. I believe that possibly I’m meant to be alone. I should be. Men try to talk to me and I warn them that I’m only seeking friendship and if something happens then it does. I enjoy my space and my life. I don’t require a lot of affection. I simply want to know its available. The less clingy I am it seems the harder they pursue until I’m forced to end the friendship. They are bitter and mean at that point. I’ve been called a heartless bitch and told that I will die alone. Im not heartless it just hasnt feel right. I’m sure one day I will meet someone and it will just feel right. If it happens then it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Have no worry of being alone. I’d rather have something real than live a mediocre life that is unfulfilling and full of resentment and wonder. I’m not being picky. The qualities I seek in a man are far from shallow. In fact they are deep rooted qualities that are very rare. Roots that deep are immovable and respectable. Emotions are fleeting and so far my heart has proven to be rather fickle but only because I have not found what it is I need. I still firmly stand on my opinion that most people base their decisions on infatuation when it comes to relationships. Infatuation is a byproduct of love. Love is an action word.  Love is a choice. Love is in spite of rather than because of. I still feel emotions but I know what they are. I know why I feel them but I don’t necessarily know how to stop them.  My grandparents who raised me did not show affection or emotion.  I sought it out. I was on a great mission to feel like I saw others feeling but I’ve only come up empty handed. I’ve met a lot of people who feel deeply for me yet I didn’t for them. I will meet my match one day. It will just feel right. We will both just know. I’m slowly finding myself taking a different course than the one I originally set out on. Maybe it’s a result of disappointment, failure and pain or maybe its destiny. I wonder if detaching isn’t something we can intentionally do but rather something that happens as a result of hopelessness.

We're all a little jaded aren't we?

You know I’ve hated how being jaded has caused me to question people who only want to get close to me.  I mean they can’t possibly be genuine or real.  I’ve fallen for those lines before.  I’ve fallen hard and haven’t been caught.  If it sounds too good to be true then it probably is right? I over analyze it and other think and question them until they walk away.  Then I’m broken because I ruined it for myself.  I’ve never been on the receiving end of that before.  I never knew what it felt like.  The thing is I instantly recognized it.  All it made me want to do was prove that I’m not going anywhere. That I can love someone past their pain because that’s all I really want.  I want someone who is going to grab me by the arm every time I try to push them away and tell me it’s ok.  I want to be the one that heals someone.  I’ve been there.  I’ve felt pain you couldn’t fathom.  I know and I get it.  The thing is I want people to know me and everything about me because I don’t want issues to be deal breakers later when hearts are involved.  Therefore I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell people exactly how I feel and what I want.  If you don’t like it then that’s fine because we figured it out from the door but if you are interested then my heart swells with hope that you could be the one.  It breaks when its not but I heal and I move on.  I may lie around and bathe in self pity for a while but I can if I want to.  I hate it when I really start to like someone and they say something that makes my chest sting…gah that feeling hurts.  It instantly throws me in to a memory tunnel of heartbreak and my heart says run.  Often I do but some reason I don’t want to anymore.  I’m ready to throw caution to the wind and love with all I have.  Jump and see what happens. 

Infatuation

All LOVE begins with Infatuation.

Infatuation is the state of being carried away by unreasoned passion or love: 'expresses the headlong libidinal attraction'^[1] of addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

I've researched it because I'm realizing I've never truly been in love it was always the infatuation stage. I don't know if I honestly believe that.  I believe love is a choice and infatuation is the emotion.  I believe you love someone "in spite of" rather than "because of".  Infatuation allows us to look past all those red flags.  I'm going to slow down and go with my intuitions.  The thing is your heart will lie to you.  The heart is a selfish thing.  It wants what it wants and tosses consequence to the wind.  Your head is usually powerless to the heart.  That heart is so charming.  The head is the voice of reason saying "fine but I'm gonna say I told you so when you lying around all broken"! The thing is if you listened to your head you'd save yourself from a lot of pain.  Do we really want to nail up that safety net?  Isn't the blind fall amazing?  Arent the butterflies overwhelming?  I think I'll keep siding with my heart.  I shall call her BELLE.  She is a spitfire and full of gumption.  She knows exactly what she wants and is not afraid to say it.  She is quite selective though.  If it doesnt feel right then she moves on.  When she's done then its too late to try again so you'd better get it right the first time.  The only complaint I have is with her competitive nature.  You see she likes a challenge and I don't want to force anything anymore.  I want to feel love that comes naturally.  I know I can make things happen that I want.  I dont want to do that anymore.  My voice of reason is sitting there with crossed arms ignoring me because Im not being very compliant.  I can't stop smiling though and I'm alone.  That makes me feel so good.  I'm happy with who I am.  I'm excited about what life has for me in the future. When we are old all we're gonna have are memories.  I want to smile and know I've loved with all I have.  I want to close my eyes and remember nights that made me melt.  I want to laugh at the embarrassing cheesy things I've done and cringe at the moments I've made a fool of myself.  Those are memories that will keep us feeling alive. You see so many are alive but are you really living?  If you could do one thing today and no fail what you do? If you know it would work out just how you see it what would it be? Please leave comments and tell me.  I'm interested in knowing what my readers feel when they read my blogs. 

Expectations

I try not to reflect on painful memories. I mean who wants to relive them? However, they are on my mind this morning.  They make me so weary.  I fight back tears even considering the option to blog about those feelings but I must.  You see pain has this way of transitioning us into different people.  We cant reverse the effects we can only welcome new changes.  I think that is why we settle and become content.  The pain is often too unbearable that we'd rather stay right where we are than continue to grow.  The beginning and the end results of these tragedies are amazing.  Its the middle that hurts.  I remember feeling like nothing in the world existed but love and passion.  I woke every morning to beautiful texts, calls or kisses.  I danced to the bathroom mirror to begin my beauty regimen while smiling the entire time.  Do you know how difficult it is to put mascara on while grinning from ear to ear? Lets just say I had to allow myself an additional hour every morning.  My days were filled with distracting messages, lunch dates, dinner dates, calls, flowers etc. I felt beautiful and alive. In my mind I was creating this fairytale you see because most of those texts, calls and kisses were initiated by "Moi".  Yep, it was an ordinary relationship and I had labeled it the "Love of my Life" and I was certain this time ....like many before was "It".  Bear in mind we are probably only like a week in at this point.  Two months later I'm sobbing hysterically and asking myself why it wasn't real.  The fact is the guy didn't do anything wrong...other than breathe and use charming words....that's neither here nor there.  I had built him up in my mind to be a combination of the men in every love story I had ever watched or read.  When he didn't live up to those expectations...I was broken.  He never promised to be the "Noah" to my "Allie" or the "Romeo" to my "Juliet".  He just wanted to date me and see where it went.  I had already mapped it out though...he just didn't know how to follow directions....dumb boy.  Anyway! I've come to realize its true.  People don't let us down.  Our expectations of them let us down.  The problem here is that I'm a dreamer.  A hopeless Romantic.  EVERYONE is going to let me down at some point.  I have to deal with this tragic realization internally.  This is awful.  My life is going to always be this way.  Every May I dream of getting " A daisy a day for the month of May" (A romantic idea I created in my mind).  Every date I go on should obviously end in a back to the wall kiss in the rain.  Everyday should be filled with that "cloud 9" giddy feeling. ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN....buy WHY?! Why can't it happen?  Someone wrote these books.  Someone wrote these lyrics.  Someone wrote this screenplay.  That is proof that some people think this way.  Why can't we naturally be paired with those people? Would we throw the world off rotation? Would some major catastrophe result from this? 

Who am I?

I'm contradicting almost always. It's who I am. I write. I dream. I'm full of passion and gumption. I'm a bit mouthy at times. I wish I were the quiet and reserved Southern Belle. I'm a mess yet I'm charming. It's not intentional. It's who I am. I find beauty in lessons learned. I'm cultivated in sorrow and fairy tales hence the fact that I'm jaded. I smile on the outside and laugh through my tears so you can't hear my screams inside. I move on but never forget the path that led me here. You consider me a muse or maybe even a catalyst. I'm full of wisdom but many will never know until I'm long gone. When the words of my journals play the song of my life. The Man in the Moon will smile and say "I knew her"