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Sunday, June 30, 2013

Don't Worry

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. -Corrie Ten Boom 

I realized today that I spent too many years in fear of getting out of a bad marriage. I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I felt stuck. That wasn't the only reason I stayed. I'm not one to give up and every time I thought this is it then I would think of something else I hadn't tried. I exhausted myself mentally trying to make something work that just wasn't right. As much as we both wanted it to work it just wouldn't. As this thought hit me I realized it applies to my life right now. Even if I want something more than anything that doesn't mean its right or that it will work because the other person has to want it too. I was also refusing to give up. The pain is in the wanting. Let the wanting go. Change what you can change. I worried about so many things that were only possibilities. The birds wake up singing. I hear them every morning outside of my window. They play in the gardenia bushes. They don't worry about their next meal. It's always available for them. Their needs are met. They work so hard to prepare their nests. Little by little they piece twigs and leaves together creating a home for their families. They prepare because they expect. They live their lives with expectancy. If God provides for the birds he will certainly meet our needs. Hindsight teaches us that there was never a need to worry and stress because things happen and we aren't in control of everything. We must simply live our lives and know that it will be OK. Bad things are going to happen but refusing to keep moving is detrimental. Water that doesn't flow becomes stagnant. I have no idea where my guts and glory come from. I've wondered where the switch was because I've often wanted to turn it off. I can't give up. I cant seem to stop the passion that flows through me. I just want to live life and feel everything it has to offer. I want to see things and learn things. I want to learn about people and relate to them. I want to leave my mark and know that I may have offered a simple statement that could impact someones life in a positive way someday. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm not a victim because my parents gave me up. I was blessed. I was delivered from a life that could've hindered me from the person I've grown into today. I don't regret the pain I've suffered. I'm no stranger to grief. I know all to well about being scared to fall asleep knowing I will wake up screaming. I have memories that haunt me. I don't use them as a crutch though. I am someone who gives 100% of myself and I'm unfiltered. I want people to know the real me. What is the point if they like someone I pretend to be? I think we are put through trials and we make it so that we can be there for other people. I wouldn't take advice or listen to someone who has never been through the same things I have because they cant fully understand it. This is why I refuse to worry. If I'm meant to suffer through something then I'm humble enough and courageous enough to walk through it. I'm not saying I wont hurt and question the reasons why. I'm only saying the only fear I have is living with "what ifs". I wont. I will know that I danced, I sang, I spoke, I loved, I fought, I cried, I struggled, I hurt, I felt deeply, and I've got memories to remind me of everything Ive ever felt in my life. Its those deep passionate memories that impact our lives. Don't worry about the outcome just close your eyes and jump.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Alabama Shakes - You Ain't Alone

I Know What I Want

I've heard men say that they want a woman who knows what she wants. I pondered that today because without a shadow of a doubt I know what I want. Life became difficult once I knew. Then I realized that the search was for a diamond in the rough if it even existed at all. Now this realization wouldn't be earth shattering for some people. I refuse to settle. I'd rather know I spent my entire life searching for the one that my soul desires than to settle for less. Settling is giving up. You don't give up on people you love. I will love this man with every fabrication of my soul once I find him. Once again I reiterate that infatuation is a feeling. Its an emotion. It subsides and you're left with decisions. LOVE is a choice. Life isn't perfect. Bad things happen but "THE ONE" is your partner in life. When you're weak they are strong. When they are weak you are strong. Its a choice to surrender and share your life, body, mind, and soul with another person completely trusting them to do the same. You hold nothing back. You love with everything you have. You give your last because you are incapable of receiving that if you cant give it. I have all these qualities I've discussed in previous blogs that I seek but then there's chemistry and passion. You either have it or you don't. This is why knowing exactly what you want is complicated. I've found the qualities before and my heart leaped. Those feelings weren't reciprocated so I was left with a wanting that wouldn't go away because now my soul had a tangible person to associate with the conquest. I had and still have to figure out how to move past that. I know it exists. I know that there is another man out there with those qualities who will set my world on fire with passion and we will make it. I believe we meet and connect with people for all different reasons. When all the dust settles you have to be able to work together. You must find the one that compliments you. Your weaknesses are their strengths. Your strengths are their weaknesses. When you become one then you are truly whole in that aspect. So when someone asks me what I'm looking for I simply say that its hard to explain but I will feel it and know it when its time. I do know that I'm tired. I'm ready for him. I'm ready to rest and breathe him in knowing my search is over.

Monday, June 24, 2013

His Arms

I want to fall into arms that open to hold me
I want to feel them wrap around me tightly so that I feel safe
I want to hide there to escape everything
I want those arms to be home
Home is where the heart is
These arms I see in my dreams dry my tears
Im nestled in an embrace that protects me
When I'm there nothing can touch me and nothing else matters
Im there breathing him into my soul
Im there thanking God for bringing a knight to keep me safe
I'm there appreciating these arms that hold me and work so hard to provide
When I'm there my past is forgotten
I can only see forward into a future of happiness
In those arms I find the peace and joy that I've sought forever
Those arms hold me so tightly that my body remembers and I can feel it even when he lets go
I'm better in those arms
Once I'm in them I intend to never let go
When I'm wrapped tight in those arms my lips rest against his heart
I whisper to it everything I feel
Not only do these arms provide a shelter from everything in the world
He creates a little corner in his heart for me to hide
This security is something people long for
Everyone wants to see the extension of arms
Open arms display vulnerability and expose the truth
Open arms display trust and loyalty
You see as I'm wrapped in these arms mine are open and wrapped around his back
Thats where I intend to always be
Right behind him supporting him as he leads me
He leads me because he is the man I've been seeking
For that I will forever be submissive to his every want and need


Friday, June 14, 2013

Retreat Needed

Have you slowed down long enough to breathe lately? I was looking at this pic that my sister and I took last summer on Navarre Beach and I realize I haven't taken a moment to breathe lately. It’s beginning to wear on my psyche. I remember the moments that I stopped and took things in. I remember sitting in the cool grass back home looking out at the cotton fields for miles. I remember taking in the beauty and the pride I felt of being raised in the small farm community called Leesburg, MS. I remember my grandfather backing a full cotton trailer under the barn to hold until the next day because the gin had closed for the evening. I would run out to the barn in barefeet and my long gown and climb up to the very top of the trailer then free fall backwards into the warm dusty cotton. I slept there many nights staring up at the moon and making up songs. I’ve always been that wide eyed dreamer. I remember enjoying walks in barefeet down dusty roads that led into the woods. I would find bugs and leaves. I would swim in undisturbed creeks. I loved watching the clear water flow over the top of my feet wondering where it was traveling. I would sit under trees and read Tom Sawyer and daydream about his carefree gumption.  I remember as a teen I would visit the same scenes for the same experiences yet I would also visit them to cry. I’ve always searched for hidden places to release my pain. It was never enough just to cry in my room with the door closed. I needed to get as far away as possible and conceal any possibility that someone could find me. I remember taking trips to Lake Washington with my parents and walking down the delta backroads in awe at the Indian Mounds there. I visited abandoned plantation homes imagining the history and stories the walls could tell. I remember sitting in the library at school for hours looking at books that no one had ever considered reading; mostly poetry and historical reads. In high school I remember taking a spring break trip to Gatlinburg. I was walking and shopping one evening and I remember this silver dodge pull up beside me as I walked and this beautiful blue eyed boy charmed his way into a date the next night. I met him and we rode around in the mountains for hours singing “Lifes a Dance”. He held my hand and we walked along the water. He looked in my eyes and said he wished he hadn’t joined the Air Force but he had to go away. He kissed me and we said goodbye. I don’t know what we expected to happen there but it is such a beautiful memory of being young and carefree. I remember flying on spontaneous trips to visit my best friend in Austin, TX. We would simply sit on the balcony drinking beer and laughing. We would go to the gypsy festival downtown and sit on the grass having drinks and listening to music. Those moments were so carefree. I remember being on a weekend getaway alone in a quiet bed & breakfast in Vicksburg, MS. I sat in the courtyard reading and writing. I enjoyed the smell of gardenias around me. I loved how cool and crisp the fall air was. I remember not wanting to leave on Sunday morning. I miss taking those trips alone. There was no wild agenda planned just simplicity and quietness. These retreats were nourishment for the soul. So often people want to break silence. Silence feels awkward to most people. I enjoy the quiet moments where nothing needs to be said. Just breathe.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Poem: Imprisoned

By Ashley Bates
Imprisoned in a tomb that was once called my soul
I hideaway and close my eyes to find some peace within
I try to search through memories for a time when I was whole
Yet all I find are nightmares and points of original sin
I breathe in deep breaths yet only anguish do I exhale
I grip my knees to my chest and bury my face to cry
I try to flee and run away from this life that feels like hell
Yet here I am dusting off the heart that simply refuses to die

Completely Fickle?

Even the most fickle are faithful to a few bad habits. – Mason Cooley
I’ve typed and deleted for the last hour. I’ve tried to express what I’m feeling but I can’t quite find the words. I’m angry. I’m bitter and I’m angry. Why? Why the lies? I don’t understand lighting a fire inside of a woman’s heart only to leave it unattended to blaze out of control destroying her inside. Men wonder why good women turn bad. Men wonder why women become bitter bitches. I just want to scream. I want to go somewhere and scream. Have you ever felt this anger inside? The anger is directed at myself. I dropped my guard. It’s my fault. I knew better. I said from day one something didn’t feel quite right but I decided to jump anyway to see if I could trust myself and maybe distract myself from another false hope I was holding on to. Yes my intuitions are trustworthy. I should listen to the voice within. Trial and error. I gave him so many chances to retract the things he said. I told him I would only be disappointed if he made me fall without catching me. He assured me his arms were out. What is a man’s word anyway? I trust people. I was raised that a man’s word is all he has. It’s called being honorable and having integrity. Does no one believe in it anymore? Maybe I’m too old fashioned. Maybe I need to be like the idiots of today’s society. WE ARE NOT ALL COMPLETELY FICKLE. We may be fickle by nature but we are faithful to a few habits/conquests aren’t we? Look inside yourself. If we are fickle then that means you aren’t as fucking strong as you act like. I’m so damn angry. Why am I so loving and forgiving? Why am I so trusting and vulnerable? As angry as I am, I have no control over it. I will dust myself off and I will fall again. I’m relentless and it’s exhausting yet my heart has the strength of Leonidas. How ironic is that? Maybe the fairytale doesn’t exist. Maybe some men memorize excerpts from our storybooks and quote them at just the right moments and we fall victim to false hope. I would love to say never again but looking like a fool is just something I am accustomed to at this point. I feel like life played a cruel joke on me and I put on a good show. Maybe I am being primed to be something but maybe it isn’t something great. The gumption that I have often feels like a curse. This fight inside needs to be redirected towards something purposeful rather than love don’t you think?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The eyes are the windows to the soul

What do you see when you look into my eyes?
I walked into a store this morning and an older Indian man stopped me as soon as I handed him my money and he said that my eyes were deep. He could tell that I had seen many sorrows in my time and that he’s never seen someone so young with eyes that held many stories like mine. I was frozen for a moment. I have never encountered anything like that before. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there for what felt like minutes but probably only a few seconds and I told him they have but I’m a spitfire. I’m not sure if he knew what that meant. I told him to have a nice day and I got into my car. I drove away looking in the mirror at my eyes. I searched for what he saw but I couldn’t see it. When I look into my own eyes I feel pain. I don’t know where the source is but it was a weary feeling. Am I truly a broken soul? Is it possible that I am a marked woman? Here I am feeling like I’m on the verge of experiencing passion and romance again in my life and standing on my own two feet as a single mother of two little boys. Is it possible that people see through my smile and laughter into my life further? I felt as naked as the day that I was born. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I feel like there is nowhere to run and hide right now. I can suppress all the pain I’ve felt. All those stories he referred to are tucked away. I need for someone to create a little corner in their heart for me to hide and feel safe for a while. I need to not be so strong right now. I need someone to be strong for me. I’m waving the white flag and I’m saying that I do need someone. I do need to just be held and purge the tears I’ve been fighting. I need to cleanse my eyes of the secrets they are revealing. Tears cleanse the soul.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Love doesnt Hurt

“I truly believe that while love can hurt, love can also heal…”  -Nicholas Sparks
You know there are beautiful moments in life that some never really get to experience. You see the problem with settling is you either live a life of regret and wonder or you smother your passion with mediocrity and going through the motions. I said I would die alone before I settled for less than what I want and deserve.  So many have told me that it doesn’t exist. It does. It exists. I never said anything was perfect but it exists. That passion you feel for anything. That’s it. That heart pounding breath taking feeling. That’s it. That moment when you just feel a connection with someone and want to talk to them for hours. That’s it. That feeling you get when you go home and can’t wait until you can see someone again. That’s it. That is all I want. That exists. I’ve felt it but it didn’t last. Someday it will. I’m on the verge. I believe in quality over convenience. I’m an extremely faithful person. When I love I give it 100%. I love like I could lose it tomorrow. That is how life should be lived. Each day could be your last. We aren’t promised tomorrow. Make sure that you have loved with all you have because you are incapable of feeling that love if you refuse to give it.

Monday, June 3, 2013

New Perspective

“Fairy Tales always have a happy ending.' That depends... on whether you are Rumpelstiltskin or the Queen.” -Jane Yolen, Briar Rose 
I have talked to and met different people throughout the last month and it has been such an exhausting ride. I finally got closure from the deceptive soldier. He messaged me once he was back home and apologized for how he treated me. Of course his motives were still the same but I had the gumption to easily reject the advances. I almost laugh at myself for the silly tears I shed of that situation. It wasn’t necessarily over him it was really the idea I had built in my head of what it could be before I realized what it was. I was so vulnerable at the time I met him.  I’ve met some quite charming men but they fell so fast and it scared me. I ran and I hurt them because I avoided it all together. They were not right for me though.  I considered the idea that I may have developed actual commitment issued but the fact is if it felt right I would want to commit. God knows I would commit to “him”. I find myself comparing almost every man to “his” qualities and almost all of them fall short. There are a couple prospects though who run a close race. They are Intellectual men although they are military too and that’s a bit scary considering what I’ve gone through. I try not to judge others by people who have hurt me though. Only time will show true colors. I won’t allow myself to completely drop my guard until I actually meet them in person and know they are legit. I won’t allow words to paint a vision in my head. I will judge people on their actions. Actions are what truly matter.  I explained this and I hope that “the challenge” isn’t the driving force behind their pursuit.  Truth is they don’t really pursue at all. I like them because they don’t use the cliché lines and bullshit. I like real men who are respectable, have integrity, confidence and domineering. I would also like to add EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE. I smile as I type that because I didn’t heed a warning previously and found myself sucked in to a situation of “false hope”.  I realized that “he” may not be the one but “he” was put in my life to raise the bar. To show me the qualities I seek in a man. He lit a fire that no one has lit inside of me. He allowed me to see what I truly sought in a man. I feel like I’m giving up on him because I wanted to love him until he had no choice but to give in and see that it’s possible to have someone love you unconditionally by CHOICE for the rest of your life. I have to let go though. I can’t change anyone’s desire. I know that there is a man out there who fits the mold of what I am looking for and he is looking for a woman like me. Every day that I wake now I won’t be saddened by the realization that I don’t have what I want. I will be excited that today could be the day I get it. False hope? Maybe but I can’t smother the hope in my heart as much as I tried. I’m just that girl with relentless gumption. It’s who I am.