“Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.” -Kahlil Gibran
I was watching Hunger Games:Catching Fire yesterday and there was a scene where INDIFFERENCE was mentioned. The word sort of reached out and grabbed my shoulders. It stared into my eyes beckoning me to ironically acknowledge its true definition. I really pondered on it. Actually I lost sleep pondering the depth of its meaning. INDIFFERENCE. When you read the word what do you think of? Apathy? Impassivity? Dispassion?
When I think of indifference I think of torment. I've blogged about discovering my deep rooted desire to feel as if I am "ENOUGH". We all desire to be recognized, heard, even understood at least. Indifference doesn't allow this. Indifference knows our every secret. Indifference knows the deep desires of our hearts and mocks us. Indifference will torment the strongest of men. We have all met someone at some point in our lives that somehow touch us in a way that we are rendered helpless. Reciprocation of these feelings is ideal. We can stretch out our arms and free fall into the empty space we call infatuation. Its euphoric. Sometimes feelings are not reciprocated and we feel the sting of rejection. We tuck our tails and we walk away wondering why they couldn't see the perfection you foresee together. If we are lucky they will shed light on a reason whether it be the truth or a white lie to save our feelings we somehow have an understanding. It makes the rejection pill easier to swallow. Some say this rejection is the most painful of all. Sometimes the feelings are reciprocated and you both fall in love and one or the other changes their mind. Rejection is always an option at any given time. Some people claim this fear and risk is the most painful of all. I disagree. I find that indifference is the most painful feeling of all.
You see indifference takes on the form of "mixed signals", "leading someone on", "someone just settling for you", and "making you an option rather than a priority". We feel like feelings have been reciprocated and we give it everything we've got. We are letting our guards down and opening up. We give our heart away to this person. When the dust settles in the euphoric paradise of our minds we start to notice that the other person doesn't quite look at us the same. We start to notice that they don't text or call unless we reach out first. We start to wonder if we are "bothering" this person. We start to over analyze and over think situations trying to figure out what we are doing wrong if anything. We ache to know what's going on in their head. We lie awake wondering if they are lying there thinking of us. We play out the scenarios and come up with answers "maybe they are just busy" or "maybe they are just introverted and don't share their feelings openly". We begin to wonder if we possibly like this person more than they like us. We begin to wonder if we misread the entire situation to begin with.
When we begin to feel this way its possible that we read into situations completely wrong. We begin to create problems in our minds that may not even exist. This can cause us to respond to the other person in a negative way or we can simply push them away with our insecurities. Yes. I said INSECURITIES. Now let me clarify I didn't say we are INSECURE. The situation alone has left us insecure. We are insecure because the other person has not given us the security of knowing where we stand. They have not shared with us what they think about us and the situation as a whole and where or if they see it progressing. This is why communication is essential. When we ride the fence and refuse to acknowledge another person we are being INDIFFERENT. We are tormenting their mind. There is a battlefield of endless emotions going on in their head and we stand on the sidelines instead of clearing the minefield.
INDIFFERENCE is probably most often not on purpose. If someone shares feelings with you whether you are shy, introverted, scared, feeling the same or not feeling the same way it is imperative that you express how you feel. You can write it in a letter, send a text, call, speak to them, or whatever means necessary but INDIFFERENCE is cruelty. Indifference is saying its not that I don't love you or hate you ....YOU SIMPLY HAVE NO MEANING TO ME WHATSOEVER. YOU BASICALLY ONLY EXIST BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF PRESENT IN MY LIFE IN SOME FORM. We all know if there are people in our lives who genuinely care for us in some way. We assume that being friendly is enough because nothing has ever been discussed. It would be kind to clarify those situations. If you think you only want to be a friend to someone then make it tactfully clear. They may be lying awake night after night hoping you will turn your head and see them waiting patiently for you to simply acknowledge them. This will allow them the opportunity to deal with that rejection and move on. Sometimes people wait because they place you above all others. I vow to never purposely be INDIFFERENT. I will tell people how I feel about them. I will take chances. I will risk my heart fearlessly. I will love with all of my being. I will learn. I will grow. I will live life with no regrets. I will not grow old knowing there were chances I never took. I will grow old knowing that I held no one's heart captive due to INDIFFERENCE.