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Friday, August 23, 2013

Fear of Risk

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” - Charlotte Bronte

So it's been a while since I've written. I've had moments of inspiration but mostly writer's block. Its apparent that things have to build up in order for the emotions to harvest my words. I seem to have reached a peaceful state of mind lately. When I started this journey of finding myself again and "The One" I was inspired and full of hope. As I read back on these blogs I can see the torment it is has caused me. It has been beautiful and painful. I am truly living my life as hard as that may be. The thing that grips me is the fear and anxiety I'm beginning to feel when people try to get close to me. I go in to this panic mode. I'm also realizing that I have major walls up now. I will allow people to read my blog to get to know me but ultimately I'm not falling like I used to. I'm very cautious. I find reasons to walk away rather than focusing on reasons to stay and risk it. There's that word. RISK. I thought I was jaded before but I was just hurt. Jaded and bitterness has finally crept in. Its disabling me slowly. I asked "him" once to teach me how to detach. He told me I didn't want to take that road. At the time it was impossible anyway. To detach is to not feel. In order to not feel you must kill your emotions. In order to kill something you simply stop feeding it. You become stagnant.  I realized this can happen whether I want it to or not if I don't change something. If I don't start taking chances. I'm so afraid of making the mistake of believing in something that isn't real again. I'm so afraid of falling and hitting the ground again. I was so low for so very long. I spent years in a relationship crying myself to sleep at night. I would find a place and hide. It was the closet a lot of times and I would lie there and cry quietly. I don't know what I couldn't seem to cry in the open. His words still haunt me. The feeling of never being "enough" still haunts me. I've been used and abused but I'm alive. Dating only triggers things deep within me that still hurt. I gave 100% of myself to people who didn't deserve me. I'm angry about that. I'm slowly healing. I see that. I never thought I'd see the day I'd be over some of the things I thought were so awful. They pass but the heart remembers. Pain goes away but the aftermath is fear. Fear keeps us from risking again. We fear risk. We fear it until we find something worth the risk. We fear until we see something in someone that we need. That is where I am right now. I'm figuring this thing out. I'm learning my emotions and how the affect my decisions. I could be letting amazing men walk out of my life right now but I just haven't felt what I waiting to feel. I have felt it though. This may be why I don't trust myself anymore. If I don't protect my heart who will?

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

New Beginnings harvest Hope

“Romance is thinking about your significant other, when you are supposed to be thinking about something else.”  -Nicholas Sparks
New beginnings are always enchanting. They are full of hope and excitement. They leave us with intrigue that fuels what feels like an addiction. New beginnings can harvest wishful thinking, daydreams, relentless smiling and a feeling deep down that is euphoric. I believe these feelings are simply our soul beaming with anticipation that finally they’ve found “The One”. This is what makes me feel alive. These moments are the epitome of romantic bliss. The key word in all of this is HOPE. In a world where we are let down countless time these moments spark that hope in us once again. In a lifetime of heartbreak we realize that the same emotion that once broke us can heal us again. There is such beauty in these moments because we beam with enthusiasm. We wake in the morning with a smile and anticipation of knowing that we were on someone’s mind throughout the night just as they occupied ours. We go to bed at night reluctantly because ending a phone conversation is nearly impossible. New beginnings prompt us to fast forward in our minds and envision doing even the simplest tasks with another. The most ordinary things can be extraordinary with the right person. When our soul seems to have found its match we do the best we can to express this feeling but ultimately it is reflected in everything we do.

Saturday, August 3, 2013


I guess the saying "when it rains it pours" is true. It seems like everything hit me all at once and I'm left with browsing through options to figure out who is right for me and who isn't. In the midst of this chaos I let a good man walk away. I tried to recover the situation but the damage is done now. I tainted it. It hurts when I think about him. It hurts because I'm left wondering if I let "the one" walk out of my life because I was afraid. I can only trust that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can fathom. What I fear and what I think are nothing. He is all knowing and I can't stress and worry over the "would've-could've-should've". I've spent countless nights lying awake analyzing my life and the way things are going. I've shed tear after tear into my pillow. I've held my own face in my hands and just wept because hindsight for me has been painful. Its hard to reflect on the things I've been through. I can't change my past. I can't undo the things that were done to me. I also can't forget. The only option is to change my perspective of the situation. I can dwell on what was done or I can dwell on the fact that I'm OK. I'm here and I survived it all. I may have scars but I'm alive and there is still fight left in me. My past could be a symbol of pain or it could be a symbol of strength. I'm going to fall down. I'm going to crawl. I'm going to have nights where the tears flow endlessly. I'm aware that I will struggle emotionally with everything but ultimately my tears will dry and I will stand up and face the next day with gumption and knowledge.