Thursday, September 25, 2014
Isn't it funny how a song can take you back to a certain place and time? Sometimes you hear a melody and feelings engulf you as if you were transported back in time. Music can be so powerful like that. I apply certain songs to everything going on in my life whether happy or sad. We are always amazed when we hear lyrics that seem to have been written as if the artist were inside of our heads. This lets me know that what I am feeling or whatever it is that I'm going through doesn't mean life has singled me out. It lets us know that somewhere someone gets it. Someone gets who you are and what you're feeling right now.
Have you ever met someone who really gets you? I mean really GETS YOU! You both seem to share the same thoughts, philosophies, fears, experiences, and passions. It becomes intoxicating. You want to share everything with one another because you feel as if you have found yourself within someone else. It's these relationships that tattoo our hearts forever. It's these people we never forget because everything about us is a reminder of who they are and what you once had. I've met several people in my lifetime who I have really connected with on a deep level. That intoxication is what we crave when it comes to finding love. It is that chemistry and magnetism that drives us.
When we lose these people it feels like we lose half of ourselves. I am emotionally healthy enough to know better but nonetheless it is how it "feels". I know everybody's got their demons and everybody's runs for different reasons. Sometimes when the euphoria settles and reality hits us we are faced with the person who not only "gets us" but "mirrors us" and sometimes this is enough to scare the hell out of you. Maybe the reason we once invested everything into someone else was because we were trying so hard to escape ourselves. Maybe we seek understanding from someone so desperately because we couldn't understand ourselves.
Passionate love like this is a drug and there is no doubt about that. Infatuation is addictive and we never find sobriety from it. We can't hide from it and we can't avoid it forever because when love is looking for you it will hunt you down. You can run all you want because you know that the detox is painful. Heartache is absolutely a helpless feeling that demands to be felt. The key is to recognize this and understand that it doesn't last forever. It may leave scars that last forever but they're reminders of what we learned or took from that love. The harder you love the harder it hurts when its over but we find ourselves each time we see ourselves through another's eyes. We take from others the things that we love about them. The reason we often find it hard to let go and move on after heartache is because we are so afraid that we will never feel that happy again. I am not immune to heartache. God knows I love hard and I break easy. I have however learned that in order to feel this passion you have to take risks. I have learned that pain is temporary but the wisdom it brings makes it worth it in the end. I have learned that it gets easier each time.
With all this being said I do have nights that I cry into my pillow because I miss certain things about certain people. Sometimes I feel a sadness sweep over me when I think about how I have been treated when I've always given all of me. Sometimes I get angry that I have this gumption and a heart that just won't quit. I then realize that I have felt things and loved in ways that some people spend their entire lives trying to feel. I gamble because I know that the very emotion that breaks your heart is the very emotion that can heal it. I also think too deeply to ever live a life that is shallow and void of emotions. You see I've found beauty in the breaking therefore I don't live my life avoiding the pain...I've embraced love & heartache individually. They're both inevitable and necessary for growth and happiness. I hope that somewhere someone out there is reading this and thinking...she is in my head right now. Thanks for inviting me in ...I get you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tonight my heart blogs. Tonight it is not the voice of reason that I am giving to you. It is simply the contradicting, flawed, restless, woman inside who just needs to speak. I have all these standards, boundaries, and rules that I require myself to abide by but sometimes I want to throw caution to the wind and take chances. Sometimes I want to be the girl who isn't afraid. I don't want to say that I'm jaded but am I? Has life burned me so that I'm playing it safe now? The passionate heart that I have cannot find what it longs for by staying on the sidewalk yet I am so afraid of repeating mistakes that I keep her there.
I am so afraid to risk my heart that I make it seem impossible that anyone could ever truly obtain it. I intimidate men when really I just want someone to see that I only want to trade it with someone who's going to hold on to it forever. I want to know that even when I'm difficult and hard to love that he will never stop. I want to know that he will choose me daily. I want to know that I never have to fear his words or his touch in anger. I want to know that when he hears my name it isn't Ashley but home that resonates in his mind. I want to know when he sees my face that he falls in love all over again day after day. I want to know that I will always get to him with just a look from across the room. I want to study his movements and the way he walks. I want to hear his voice and seek his face as effortlessly as a reflex. I want to know that his arms are the place I can hide from the world. I want to know that when he is near nothing or no one can hurt me. I want to close my eyes and feel how small my hands are against his as we dance in the kitchen to music we can only hear in our hearts yet we both know the melody.
When I sit beneath the running water in the shower crying because I just need to let go I wonder if you feel me somehow. I wonder as I hug my knees close to me and let the drain carry my tears away do you somehow feel this sadness that you can't explain. I wonder sometimes if my unexplained blues are connected to you feeling the exact way. I know that as soon as I post this I will walk back to my bedroom and climb in bed and close my eyes but I wont fall asleep right away. I will think of you and where you are right now. One day I will look in your eyes and you will read these words and know that I was thinking of you all this time. I was praying for you daily. I was asking God to watch over you and bless you with favor and grace as I will always extend to you. As you walk through this life maybe you aren't looking for me yet. Maybe you're happy being alone right now. Maybe that is why we haven't met. Maybe we have met and one or the other simply was not ready at the time. Maybe we know each other but neither one of us has even considered the other as a possibility.
No matter where you are or what you are doing just know that we will know when the time is right. Until then I will continue to live my life with expectancy of your arrival.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
As I have been really focusing on my fitness and weight loss goals lately I notice the rants that overweight people constantly impose on others. You've heard them..."Big is beautiful and if he can't like me for how I am then I don't need him"..."She's shallow because she doesn't like big guys"..."Hes a jerk because he rejected me because of my weight"! This is not ok people! Think about your personal standards and preferences when it comes to dating. You may not like a man with facial hair. You may not like a woman who has no curves. You may be a bigger girl who doesn't like bigger men YET you expect them to want you because why??? BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT CATCH! The fact is no one is less of a person because of their dating preferences and what they find attractive. I am proactive with my weight loss and it bothers me to hear people glorify their unhealthy weight because its easier than trying to do something about it and also because they're trying to convince themselves they don't care. When you don't care about something you don't typically even mention it now do you?
Don't get me wrong I'm not hating on big people. I can however voice my opinion on the matter because it's relative to me. I don't knock people for having a preference because if attraction is not there then it just isnt. You can know a person would be amazing to you but if the idea of them touching you makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit then it ain't happening. You can go around calling people shallow all you want to but you wouldn't invest in a house that is run down. You wouldn't buy a car that is an eye sore to you. If someone upgraded the house and made repairs then you would look at what's on the inside. If someone restored that car then you would check it out. Its the same concept people.
I have standards and most of them are personality and character traits however I'm attracted to certain types of men. Those men may or may not find me attractive because of my figure. I am not losing weight to find love but let me say it is a motivator. I will have more options if I restore and invest in myself. I myself am proof that being bigger isn't a sign of laziness and being a slob because I carry myself well and have had alot of attractive men interested in me. I don't have low self esteem but I want to be the best I can be. Why be any less? We go to school to educate ourselves to the highest standard. We strive to excel in our professions. We are constantly seeking to succeed in life. In order to do that it requires work and sacrifice You can do anything you are willing to work for.
Your priority may not be to invest in yourself and lose weight. You may be more comfortable sitting on your bottom and playing the victim. You can blame whoever or whatever for your weight but only you cant change it. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve simply because I don't want to put the work in to get there. I intend to work hard and transform into a better me. I smile at the prospects this will bring into my life and if you want to say that's shallow then so be it but we all like what we like and we don't like what we don't. If you're ok with overweight then great because I would love to meet a man who meets my standards and finds me attractive exactly how I am because he will support my transformation but if I don't meet anyone in the meantime then so be it. I know that God has more in store for me and I will continue to push myself and exceed expectations to glorify him.
See ya in the gym!