Saturday, February 28, 2015
So I posted last about seeking God first in my life and putting love on the back burner. I did this and my whole perspective changed. I gave up trying to steer something I had no control over. I can't express the stress that was relieved when I did this. What did happen though was that I stumbled upon a man that had all the qualities I was seeking.
He was a Christian man and respectable military officer. He quickly swept me off my feet and shared the same relationship goals as I did. He was on board with moving slow physically. I spent days in his arms falling hard and fast. I listened as he fed me words that spoke to my heart. I looked deep into his eyes when he told me to. I believed him when he told me he was falling. Out of the blue he told me that the timing wasn't right because of personal issues in his life
The man who made me think my search was over just tossed me back to the wolves. He of course apologized for hurting me but it doesn't really matter. It never changes anything or lightens the burden. My heart retreated back into my chest and I was humiliated for letting myself go so easily. Tears soaks my face for hours as I tried to analyze everything. I knew I couldn't let myself fall apart because I know all to well how it can consume me.
I had to suppress it as best as I could. I had to switch to survival mode and I'm quickly learning how to compartmentalize my feelings. This isn't fair. It isn't fair because I don't ever want to become jaded but with each shot to the heart I wonder when will be the last. I wonder when its going to take me down and I will forever be a prisoner to bitterness. I never want to hide behind walls in fear of heartache. I want to be able to trust when someone pours their soul out to me. I want to be able to look into someones eyes and find truth in the words they whisper. I want to be able to smile like I did while I knew him. I want to twirl and giggle and know that I have someone who holds my heart or what's left of it anyway.
Why is this world trying to rob me of this? Why is it trying so hard to destroy my hope and faith in true love? The one constant I have is God. He holds my heart. He restores it every time you break it. You see you can't really break me forever. I may hit my knees in gut wrenching pain. I may lie there crying and wishing I could give up. That is when he reaches down and holds me. That is when he pulls me close and reminds me of who I am. He establishes my goings and sets my feet upon rock.
These moments I think I've found what I've been looking for remind me of what butterflies feel like. They refresh my lips with sweet kisses. They send chills across me as hands run through my hair. They are samples of what I will feel someday yet there won't be an expiration date. One day those feelings won't disappear. One day I will wake up and know that this is forever. I smile as I write this and I anticipated tears. Instead of jading me the pain has only strengthened me.
I don't have ill feelings towards him because I don't know his heart or where his head is right now. All I know is he could walk away from me. This is all I need to see to know that he isn't the one. There is a man out there who is still trying to get to me. I can't give up because he isn't giving up. You see true love never gives up. We haven't found each other but we will never stop until we do. Everybody needs inspiration. I hope if you're reading this you know that life isn't easy but it's so worth living. Love and heartache both make you feel so alive. There is always beauty in the breaking.