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Sunday, February 24, 2013

Expectations

I try not to reflect on painful memories. I mean who wants to relive them? However, they are on my mind this morning.  They make me so weary.  I fight back tears even considering the option to blog about those feelings but I must.  You see pain has this way of transitioning us into different people.  We cant reverse the effects we can only welcome new changes.  I think that is why we settle and become content.  The pain is often too unbearable that we'd rather stay right where we are than continue to grow.  The beginning and the end results of these tragedies are amazing.  Its the middle that hurts.  I remember feeling like nothing in the world existed but love and passion.  I woke every morning to beautiful texts, calls or kisses.  I danced to the bathroom mirror to begin my beauty regimen while smiling the entire time.  Do you know how difficult it is to put mascara on while grinning from ear to ear? Lets just say I had to allow myself an additional hour every morning.  My days were filled with distracting messages, lunch dates, dinner dates, calls, flowers etc. I felt beautiful and alive. In my mind I was creating this fairytale you see because most of those texts, calls and kisses were initiated by "Moi".  Yep, it was an ordinary relationship and I had labeled it the "Love of my Life" and I was certain this time ....like many before was "It".  Bear in mind we are probably only like a week in at this point.  Two months later I'm sobbing hysterically and asking myself why it wasn't real.  The fact is the guy didn't do anything wrong...other than breathe and use charming words....that's neither here nor there.  I had built him up in my mind to be a combination of the men in every love story I had ever watched or read.  When he didn't live up to those expectations...I was broken.  He never promised to be the "Noah" to my "Allie" or the "Romeo" to my "Juliet".  He just wanted to date me and see where it went.  I had already mapped it out though...he just didn't know how to follow directions....dumb boy.  Anyway! I've come to realize its true.  People don't let us down.  Our expectations of them let us down.  The problem here is that I'm a dreamer.  A hopeless Romantic.  EVERYONE is going to let me down at some point.  I have to deal with this tragic realization internally.  This is awful.  My life is going to always be this way.  Every May I dream of getting " A daisy a day for the month of May" (A romantic idea I created in my mind).  Every date I go on should obviously end in a back to the wall kiss in the rain.  Everyday should be filled with that "cloud 9" giddy feeling. ITS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN....buy WHY?! Why can't it happen?  Someone wrote these books.  Someone wrote these lyrics.  Someone wrote this screenplay.  That is proof that some people think this way.  Why can't we naturally be paired with those people? Would we throw the world off rotation? Would some major catastrophe result from this?