I fully intend to employ my own cathartic treatment with wine and silence this weekend. I need to completely purge my mind of hysterical thoughts. I need to let go of “false hope”. I have been hurting people left and right lately. It’s completely unintentional and I feel like a beast. I blog about this great romance and love but I can’t find anyone worthy of it. I wont settle but people make me feel like I’m wrong for this. I rushed into things so many times before. I know what I want and what I don’t. I meet one person with what seems to be all the qualities I desire and cant have him. I believe in signs. I believe that possibly I’m meant to be alone. I should be. Men try to talk to me and I warn them that I’m only seeking friendship and if something happens then it does. I enjoy my space and my life. I don’t require a lot of affection. I simply want to know its available. The less clingy I am it seems the harder they pursue until I’m forced to end the friendship. They are bitter and mean at that point. I’ve been called a heartless bitch and told that I will die alone. Im not heartless it just hasnt feel right. I’m sure one day I will meet someone and it will just feel right. If it happens then it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Have no worry of being alone. I’d rather have something real than live a mediocre life that is unfulfilling and full of resentment and wonder. I’m not being picky. The qualities I seek in a man are far from shallow. In fact they are deep rooted qualities that are very rare. Roots that deep are immovable and respectable. Emotions are fleeting and so far my heart has proven to be rather fickle but only because I have not found what it is I need. I still firmly stand on my opinion that most people base their decisions on infatuation when it comes to relationships. Infatuation is a byproduct of love. Love is an action word. Love is a choice. Love is in spite of rather than because of. I still feel emotions but I know what they are. I know why I feel them but I don’t necessarily know how to stop them. My grandparents who raised me did not show affection or emotion. I sought it out. I was on a great mission to feel like I saw others feeling but I’ve only come up empty handed. I’ve met a lot of people who feel deeply for me yet I didn’t for them. I will meet my match one day. It will just feel right. We will both just know. I’m slowly finding myself taking a different course than the one I originally set out on. Maybe it’s a result of disappointment, failure and pain or maybe its destiny. I wonder if detaching isn’t something we can intentionally do but rather something that happens as a result of hopelessness.