Timing, Chemistry and Conquest

Dear Past: Thanks for the lessons.  Dear Future: I'm ready.  Love, Ashley  

The top 3 issues with finding love are timing, chemistry, and conquests. I meet men who have everything I'm looking for but we may not have a spark or chemistry when we meet. One of us does and the other doesn't. I've met men who weren't emotionally available because of marriage or mental blocks due to a painful past. Timing is an issue. I've met men who are everything I need and the chemistry is there for both BUT they simply aren't ready to settle right now. Conquests don’t align. Everything has to line up perfectly for it to work and that is a challenge. This will happen when it happens.

 Someone recently told me about the "Red String Theory". That two people are connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This is similar to the concept of soul mates or a destined flame. I dont believe in one soul mate for every person. I believe love is a choice and you choose who you want to be with for life. The idea of a soul mate stands to reason that you're destined to be together forever regardless of circumstance but in any relationship you get out of it what you put in. 

I believe in biblical gender roles. That is where the husband is the patriarch of his family. He is the leader. With that being said, not all men are qualified for this role and its up to women to choose and marry wisely. A man who seeks God first is led by him therefore submitting to him as a wife is obeying God. A man is designed to thrive on respect, feeling needed and appreciated. A woman's role is to submit and support her husband/family. She thrives on affection and feeling safe/secure. 

 Most married men that cheat will tell you they aren't appreciated at home, their wife doesn't make them feel needed/wanted, and they are not respected. Their wives are prioritizing everything but him, controlling, nagging, stopped trying, refuse sex and they feel more like roommates. If you make a man feel like he is the only man alive, respect him for being the leader/provider of the home, appreciate him for everything he does and submit to him completely then he will adore you and appreciate you for that. He will do anything to hold on to that feeling. He will not want to disappoint the person who looks up to him in every way and depends on him. At the same time you offer a support role. You are his cheerleader and no matter what he does you trust his decision. Even if you doubt you follow. Always keep up with yourself like you did in the beginning. Keep the passion alive so it doesnt die. 

 I am not justifying infidelity. Im simply emphasizing the importance of maintaining a healthy marriage. If your husband communicates with you that he doesnt like something, wants more of something or needs something then listen to make sure you’re meeting his needs. He should do the same. The problem is that people get stuck in the mindset of "I shouldnt have to ask. They should just know". One or both become bitter then selfish and refuse to meet the others needs because they feel their partner isnt doing enough. 

 When a woman isnt happy in the marriage it is alot easier for her to ask for a divorce. Men are looked at as though they’re abandoning their families. Women usually end up with the kids and men are given every other weekend. They dont want to be part-time fathers. They stay in a love-less marriage because they typically have more to lose. 

 Alot of single women dont set out to be homewreckers. Often they find themselves deeply involved with a man before they discover he is married. They believe his story or sympathize with his circumstances because they're now invested. There are a few signs to look for. It’s  better to identify it early on so you're not blindsided later. 

 I have learned over time that married men like to engage in conversation over social media. They sometimes use fake profile pages to do this so they go undetected but alot of times they keep it vague so they can play it off if you question them. Most simply want conversation and flirting because they want to feel wanted again. Alot of times they'll initiate sexual conversations and/or solicit photos because thats the extent of the affair they're comfortable having. The men who are lonely and seeking that emotional connection typically become attached quickly. You’re meeting the needs that aren’t being met at home. 

 There are of course those who are strictly looking for sex and they do not usually engage in alot of conversation unless its strictly sexual or asking to meet for obvious reasons. These almost always use fake profiles or texting apps they can delete before going home. Very seldom are they forthcoming with who they really are but they will admit to being married or say they’re seperated. 

 If you meet a married man in public rather than online he will probably not tell you his real name. He will get your number and text through an app. He usually says he doesn't have any social media for whatever reason. There’s  also the issue of why you can't go to his place. He’s either “staying with someone” or  “travels with work” etc. but he “will come to you”.  

 It doesn’t matter if someone is going through a divorce when you meet or you find yourself in love with a married man who swears he is leaving... it will not work. He may even think he is in love with you. “You are everything he wants in a wife”, so he leaves his family for you. Once the reality hits and he has actual freedom then his mentality will change. You were a distraction when he felt stuck. You were a bandaid to help him through. You were a nice supplement to what he was missing. Now that he is free, your relationship will change. You will struggle with trust because you know how you got him. He will leave you and transition into his once again bachelor phase. The same applies to newly divorced men. The rebound is a passionate, whirlwind romance but it doesn't last. Once again the issues of timing and conquest are at play. 

 Because I am an INFJ personality type and read people well, my intuition takes over almost instantly. I often know someone’s  situation without much conversation if any. I begin to call them on what they’re doing and why. They immediately freak out because I know what they haven’t even admitted to themselves. At the same time, they feel liberated and understood. It's a comforting feeling and they instantly open up to me. I then give them some advice they will NOT take and I tell them how their situation is going to play out. On several occasions, they have reached back out to tell me I was spot on. Unfortunately some get excited and intrigued so much that they confuse it with what they think is love or a twin flame. I have had to block communication with those. They are going to have an emotional roller coaster through their process and I dont want to ride. 

 There a many more scenarios and outcomes I could share but my advice still stands. Keep up with your homework or leave. You can judge me for being a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, bandaid or mislabeled homewrecker but I know what I’m talking about and so does your husband.