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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Letter to myself 7.29.15

Dear Ashley,

It is time that I tell you how I really feel. It is time to stop hurting you over and over again. The time has come to cast aside all of the blame I have unfairly laid on your soul. You are beautiful. You have seen so much pain through your eyes yet they shine with a light that others see every day. You wear a smile and make those around you laugh as if you aren’t falling apart the moment everyone turns their head. I know you. I see everything inside. I know that you cry yourself to sleep at night. I know that you bury your face in your pillow so your boys won’t hear you and worry. I know that sometimes you stroke your hair with the opposite hand and pray asking God to just wrap his arms around you because you’re lonely. I’ve heard the prayers asking him to hug you tight against him so you can rest for a moment. Don’t you know it breaks me as well? Don’t you see that I want your heart to mend? You have to let go of your past. You have to understand that it is not healthy to allow those memories to haunt you. I know that your parents were not fit to raise you and because of that you learned early on that you were not worthy of unconditional love. Your grandparents loved you with every fabrication of their soul and your family adored you. Why did you not latch on to that as proof that you are worthy? You can’t base your entire worth on those who couldn’t even take care of themselves. I know that men have always promised to love you forever but they left or you made them leave. I know that they lied and deceived you. I know you were abused mentally and physically. I was there when you would hide in your closet crying and praying that God would heal your marriage. You stayed and kept faith that everything was going to be ok. Can’t you see how strong you are? These are not the memories you should hold on to. You should focus on the triumphs. You have overcome so much yet you carry on without fear of the future. You are a Proverbs 31 woman. You are so lovely. You are so caring. You are selfless when sometimes you need to be a little more selfish. You forgive instantly and hold no grudges even against those who would not blink if you took your last breath right this second. You do not have hate in your heart and for that I am in awe of you. It does not matter what this world thinks of you. It does not matter how they define you. It does not matter what they say you should or should do. It doesn’t matter how they think you should or shouldn’t look. What matters is what is within your heart and darling let me just say your heart is pure gold and you should be reminded by me daily. You are a charming southern belle and you should never forget that. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of the kind of love fairy tales and Nicholas Sparks novels were written about. You are worthy of happiness beyond comprehension and laughter beyond the years you would ever expect. I am sorry I didn’t defend you as often as I should have. I am sorry I sat quietly and allowed others to break you without speaking. I am sorry that I chose to avoid drama and decided to take the glorious approach and walk away with dignity. Maybe we do need to stand up more. Maybe we do need to put others in their place when they wrong us. We speak so boldly and freely about everything else so why do we cower to men who want nothing more than to break us down into nothing simply to try and build us back up into something they want.  Oh my dear that stops today. Today is a brand new day and you my beauty, are a brand new woman. You will command respect in the way you hold your head high. You will confidently smile and welcome new friendships and love into your life. You will no longer have this facade of the woman who has it all together. YOU ARE THE WOMAN WHO HAS IT ALL TOGETHER. I love you. No matter what anyone else says. I love you and you are worthy.

Love, Ashley