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Sunday, March 13, 2016

Until Then

Write hard and clear about what hurts - Ernest Hemingway

I have been back and forth trying to decide what to say and how to make this post a positive life lesson but the truth is I'm just posting tonight to purge some things from my mind.  I was speaking with a friend the other night about writing and he said he didn't want to write because it would just seem so negative and that would make people feel worse. I actually think it helps people to simply know they aren't alone in how they feel whether we have some positive motivation that follows or not. When we talk about how we feel sometimes we just need someone to listen. We don't necessarily need advice or encouragement. We just need to purge it so it doesn't poison us. I think that conversation happened for 2 reasons. I think he may have taken something from it and somehow I was going to need to take my own advice. I have been sparing so much because I have come so far that I didn't want anyone thinking that I was not strong. The truth is I'm very strong. I'm very aware that storms come and they go but I am always ok. I am better than ok. I am stronger after every storm that I endure. You need rain to grow just as much as you need sunshine.

With that being said I just need to vent some feelings. Before I do please understand that I am aware of hormones and just day to day blues we sometimes get. I know who I am and what I stand for but I am simply spilling what I'm feeling these days.

We have discussed before how men compartmentalize sex and women struggle with that. I am lonely. I can admit that. I have prospects and I could be married if I wanted to but I wont settle until it feels right. So I'm lonely simply because the right one hasn't come along yet. There are times it hits me hard because I want to feel the butterflies and I want to be kissed. I want to spend an entire weekend in bed making passionate love. Well I've met men who don't even try to get to know me. They aren't looking for a connection they're looking for a hookup and that frustrates me. Then there are those who pretend to want a connection but they always find a way to redirect the conversation to their real agenda. Again I get frustrated. There are men who I connect with and they're looking for friends with benefits and I just can't risk that. I know I will catch feelings if I do so I avoid it. I have gotten to the point of disgust with it all. I'm not seeking these things out they're just there.

I realized where frustration and anger lies. Its my peeve of selfishness. My needs right now are for real connections and intimacy. I'm lonely and I want to connect with genuine people. Here these men are with their hands out wanting to take and take and take from me but they're unwilling to give me what I need in return. I have what they want and they have what I want but they're selfish with their heart or their feelings. They just want me to meet their needs and move along. Those feelings of not being worthy or enough surface. I know better but scars run deep. Words are never forgotten. The pain of feeling that love is not even offered and if so its absolutely conditional and I simply don't meet those conditions. Men are not even thinking this much into it. Its simple for them. They want it and they ask. They are not responsible for how it makes me feel inside. It isn't their fault that I am broken. I am not angry at them for that. I just don't give myself away. They don't understand this.

What I struggle with is the idea of "what if". What if I just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow and things develop out of a casual friends with benefits situation? Well that would be great but then What if I fall hard and I'm left to get over it or walk away because I was told what it was in the beginning? When you've been through the pain I've endured and you've pulled it together then the risk is higher. You aren't so willing to gamble. I may be lonely but I'm ok. I'm not heartbroken. I just can't bring myself to allow someone to use me and hope that my needs of intimacy are met in return. I just have so much more self worth than that.

I think another factor to consider is that I'm an INFJ personality type. I'm one of the rare people. I can read people and situations extremely accurately. I know when people have other agendas. I know how to read conversations and how people steer them to bring up certain topics. I know how people feel by how they reply or pay attention. I pick up on the things they notice and tune into. All of these context clues tell me who they are where their intentions lie. Those that intrigue me and want to figure me out are the ones that captivate me. I'm very passionate and I feel things deeply. I may be snarky and sarcastic. My humor is inappropriate at times. I may even appear to be shallow but I am not. All it takes to get to the center of my soul is to be genuine and have a desire to travel there. I will know if you are or aren't. I may not have any fact or proof to base my intuitions on but they're accurate and if something doesn't feel right I don't wait around to uncover it. I walk away.

When I do meet someone genuine and they're interested in me as well then I get my hopes up because it's so rare that it happens. When it doesn't pan out then I'm rightfully disappointed. What I have experienced in this department is that I'm not the chosen one. Adults date until they find someone who they can't get enough of. More often than not men chose someone else and months later they recycle back around and tell me they made a mistake. I will never allow myself to be an option. I couldn't fall for someone knowing I wasn't good enough the first time. I don't want you to just settle for 2nd best. I know when a man's response time slows down. I can sense the distance. I know when there is doubt. I feel the sting of short and simple texts just to keep me around until he figures this thing out. I just remove myself.

So there it is. Selfishness and Ingenuity are plaguing my life. They're the road block to every relationship in my life. Those 2 things and just the understanding that I'm not everyone's cup of tea or shot of whiskey. It's just a moment of feeling the distance between myself and the love of my life. It's knowing that he's out there somewhere and I'm here needing him in my life but frog after frog clutter my path. I'm not man hating. I know men go through this as well. I'm just frustrated because I have needs that I can't meet. I have a void that I can't fill on my own. I'm independent and I'm self sufficient but I need love and I'm not ashamed to say that. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry myself to sleep some nights because I want someone next to me. I'm not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve even if it looks like a coat of arms. I may be this spitfire brunette who has all the confidence in the world but I'm at a loss when it comes to this. Until then...