Wednesday, July 20, 2016
You know that passionate feeling of infatuation? The excitement and butterflies every time you're with someone? Those sweet little words of affirmation, texts, calls and pictures? When you're in the process of falling it just feels like you're on top of the world! It's easy to spot those new couples when you're out and about. They're holding hands and laughing. The way they look at one another has "smitten" written all over it. It's also easy to spot those seasoned couples who just seem to coexist. Sure they're out on a date but they're either glued to their phones or staring off in different directions. Their faces paint a different picture. The expression is that of misery or indifference. It's really sad sometimes. Every now and then you'll see an older couple or a married couple who just seem to be head over heels in love. Their body language says it and the way they speak and engage one another confirm it.
People have difference opinions about the "stages" or "life cycle" of a relationship and I want to discuss that. Some people are certain that the "new" wears off and the excitement calms down into something more subtle. Almost a comfort zone if you will. It's not that the couple is unhappy but they no longer feel the need to express their desire anymore because they're committed now and it should be understood. They enjoy the companionship and it just is what it is. Some people swear that you can keep that infatuation and passion alive forever. They believe that you both have to want that more than anything and you both have to work at it every day. I would fall into the second category of people.
Those older couples or happily married couples who are still crazy about one another claim to still get butterflies when they see their spouse across a crowded room. Their heart still races with a single touch and they make sure to never stop courting one another. A relationship is like anything. You get out of it what you put into it. If your home is new and immaculate you're excited about it. You have to keep it up with maintenance and housekeeping duties. You have to pay attention to detail and memorize everything to identify any changes so you can fix it before it gets any worse. If you have a nice figure and are in the best shape of your life then you feel amazing. You have to eat healthy and work out to keep it up. You have to think about what you are doing and what is going into your body in order to maintain or even improve. If you enjoyed your new home but decided the upkeep wasn't necessary then over time it would deteriorate and you wouldn't be so happy to be there. You may even feel overwhelmed like you can never get it back the way it used to be. You may even be right...you may have allowed irreversible damage to occur. If you sported around with your sexy body and decided you could eat anything you wanted and didn't have to work out then you would begin to see changes you don't like. If you continued then you would face obesity and health problems. It could even lead to disease and fatality.
If you have met someone and you are enjoying the process of getting to know them and courting then hold on to that feeling. Never stop doing what it is you are doing to maintain that relationship and it will never become less than what it is. The more you invest into something the more you will get out of it. The important thing to understand is that a relationship takes two people. It isn't something you can maintain all on your own. It's important to discuss boundaries and needs. One of my boundaries is that I will not maintain an unequal relationship. If I ever feel that I want it more or I am expensing more effort then its time to talk and re-evaluate where things are going and if my significant other is even on the same page as I am.
I spent a long time listening to people respond to my blog or even tell me in person that I live in a fairytale world. They would tell me what I am looking for doesn't exist. They would say the real world isn't like that. I would let them talk but all the while I knew who I was. I knew that I was a passionate person who gives 100% and expects nothing less than that in return. I knew it was all about compatibility and finding that other person with the same desire and willingness as I have. Do I believe in bad days? Yes. We all have bad days BUT I believe your partner should be your escape. I think you should be best friends and that is when the other is to be strong for the both of you. These roles are swapped back and forth from time to time. In the end schedules, life, stress, monotony are never an excuse to overlook the effort your relationship requires. You may not feel like going to work everyday but you know if you don't that you will get fired and cant pay your bills. You may not feel like exercising but you know what happens if you don't. You may not feel like cutting your grass but you will have a jungle to clear when and if you ever decide to do it.
There are so many things in life that are just mediocre but love should never be one of those things. I never want to just coexist. I've waited my entire life to find my person and by God when it's the one I will never stop putting forth effort to keep it how it is in the beginning so they never have to mention how it "used to be". I believe if you keep that level of love blindness and never allow yourself to focus on a flaw in your spouse that you will keep them on that pedestal. I believe that if you make sure to tell them just how much they mean to you every day then insecurity can never creep in. I believe that these efforts speak loud and clear saying you matter to me and this matters to me...this is a priority in my life and we are worth it.
It's all about compatibility and having this discussion with your significant other early on. These topics are important. If you aren't on the same page then someone will not have their needs met in the long term. Not everyone cares to have the same things and that is ok. What is not ok is ignoring those facts and thinking you can change someone over time or settling for less when you know it matters to you. These things can be talked about, worked out and sometimes you can come to an understanding where everyone's needs are met. If you find yourself in this situation I encourage you to just express how you feel and put everything on the table!
Monday, July 11, 2016
After our return from New Orleans Kevin and I haven't spent very much time apart. We have gone on countless dates, celebrated a birthday, outings with my boys, evenings relaxing at one or the other's home, and a couple road trips. It feels as though he and I have been dating for months but it has only been a little over one. We have shared intimate moments of clarity and emotions and we have laughed while teasing one another like school kids. We have experienced kisses that compete with movie scenes and felt passion that bring chill bumps to recollect. I have never felt a comparable connection in my life and I am extremely happy.
On the way back from New Orleans we stopped to get a lottery ticket and I had never purchased one before. Well he tells me to take the money to the counter and just tell the clerk I want a lottery ticket then he sort of walks away and browses. I was super nervous and I did as he instructed me to. The girl looked at me and sputtered something really fast so all I heard was " You want the mega million, lotto, powerball, blah blah blah?" Naturally my response was "Yeah" and she drops her eyes while rolling them as far back into her head as humanly possible then asked me "WELL WHICH ONE YOU WANT"? Meanwhile Kevin is over in the corner just laughing hysterically. The girl then explains that they are all different and I pick the mega million and we exit the store. I felt super dumb but what more can you expect from a lottery virgin. He enjoys recanting my response of "Yeah" to any relative situation where I am prompted to make a decision. We laugh about it quite often.
A few weeks ago we ventured into Vicksburg for "Sunday funday" at the military park and enjoyed an amazing lunch at the 10 South Rooftop bar and grill. Before we headed home I wanted to drive across the bridge into Louisiana to try out my new "Lottery ticket purchasing" skills. I walked into the store and told the girl I wanted 2 of the mega million and handed her a $5 since they were $1 each. She said she didn't know if she had any $1s so I told her to just give me 3 more tickets then. Well she handed me 2 tickets which looked like the original one I had purchased back on 6.12.16 so I assumed she was waiting to give me the other 3. She glared at me and asked if I needed anything else and I told her my other 3 tickets. She explained they were printed on the 2nd ticket. Y'all I thought I was doing so good up until now. I had just mastered the concept of which ticket I wanted to purchase and no one informed me that they would list multiple lines on 1 ticket! Another lottery lesson learned for next time...
I boldly walked back to the car to boast about my successful purchase and certainty that we would be millionaires by Wednesday morning (Not JUST millionaires but MEGA millionaires) but I had to be honest. He got a nice chuckle and we were on our way home. Sundays are always very bittersweet for us because it means the wonderful weekend we shared is coming to an end. We always embrace with a long hug reluctantly saying goodbye as if it is the last time we will ever see one another again. The Sunday blues are quickly met with the responsibility of housework, kids and the approaching work week and we carry on as we do every other day.
I often think about the day Kevin messaged me online and how I was deleting my dating profile because I was ready to just give up and leave it to fate. I didn't want to exhaust any effort whatsoever into the dating world as it had turned out to be so disheartening. I received that message and we chatted briefly. I gave him my number explaining that I was deleting my profile and there we were. We both were very keen on the online dating game and decided to arrange a meet and greet just to make sure it was safe to actually like our conversations and possibly even allow a little hope to slip in there. Just a little over a month ago I met this perfect stranger and had no idea he would end up meaning so much to me. Thinking of those lottery tickets and odds...thinking of the gamble and risk we take when it comes to opening up to someone puts it all into perspective.
There are 7.4 billion people in the world. There are over 321 million people in the United States. There are almost 3 million people in Mississippi. There are 1.4 million males in Mississippi and of those there are $84K that are white males. You can further break them down by age, mental health and marital status to make the odds less likely that the man I have been praying for my entire life fits into that census. When you look at billions or even millions then its easy to fathom your "person" being out there but to narrow it down really feels more like the odds of winning that mega million.
Sometimes we get on these dating sites and we take a chance and purchase a ticket and sometimes we purchase 5 to increase our odds of winning. We daydream about the possibilities until the moment comes and we are met with the disappointment that we didn't hold the winning ticket. Doesn't mean we give up hope but we may not play for a while. Just before Kevin messaged me I had been thinking of all the failed attempts and I was ready. I was living with expectancy that any moment God would bless me with a man who was the equivalent of winning the lottery. The odds may seem like they are stacked against you when you look at the numbers but God is in control. If you listen he will speak and he will guide you. You may feel the fear and the risk but stepping out on faith will result in blessings you cant even imagine.
You see I may not have ever purchased an actual lottery ticket before meeting Kevin but I gambled with my heart from time to time. Just as I was about to give up my winning numbers came up to play... 06....01....2016 and on that day God blessed me with a man who is more valuable than willing the lottery. He is my jackpot!