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Friday, April 24, 2015

Prepare for the next Season

John 4:35

 35 Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.

Well apparently I haven’t died from my broken heart.  I have thrown myself into friends, work and my children but most importantly I have refused to let it take me down. There have been days where I reflected on the painful words he said to me. I’ve teared up when I think about him holding me close and kissing me.  He really did a good job convincing me that this was something we were going to invest in. I laid all my cards out and he folded.  The thing is that it was simply a relationship that never really took flight and that’s ok. I would much rather hurt over the disappointment than be broken over wasted years. 

I have since really enjoyed the company of friends and just allowed laughter and my faith to get me past the blues. You know I’m the type of woman who never stays down long. Life is too short to be miserable.  I had a guy say to me that it seems I just move right on to the next but what he fails to see is the men that I reject. There are always prospects waiting around the corner and I happen to explore those possibilities. I feel like lying around and pondering over the should’ve could’ve would’ve moments only make you jaded. I don’t want to be that girl. I’ve said that many times. 

The thing is I’m an all in type of person when it comes to anything. I give it 100% because that I who I am. I think that people deserve that and not only that but I deserve 100% and that would be so hypocritical of me to expect more than I give.  

I’ve heard people say that expectations are what causes us pain but in reality we can’t cut that off. We can pretend to but it doesn’t work that way. When you meet someone you like then hope begins to take over and you become hopeful that the feeling lasts. It’s when that circumstance changes and we have to walk away from that feeling …that is when we get our hearts broken. Its just a fact of life. The trust is we jump head first hoping for the best and if what we find isn’t what we wanted then we bail out. We have all been on both ends of the spectrum. 

I know for a fact I have broken many hearts and I’ve broken them the exact way mine has been broken so trust me when I say that I get it. Does it suck? Hell yes it does but it happens.  You dust yourself off and you move on. That is exactly what I have done. Hindsight has taught me so much and most importantly it has taught me that life goes on. I’ve said this once before but I am a cotton farmers daughter. I grew up knowing the power of prayer. I know that crops can fail and they can be abundant but they require hard work and hope. The rest is up to God. Relationships are the same way. We pray for abundance and we put the work in but sometimes they fail. We don’t give up. We prepare for the next season.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Painful Smiles

I suppose some of you wonder what became of my prince charming and the simple answer is NOTHING.  We tried several times yet I don’t sincerely understand what all he was going through mentally. Timing caught us or maybe it was deceit all along. I don’t know nor do I have to. It boils down to my boundaries. The most profound in this circumstance is “I will not maintain an unequal relationship”. 

I can’t lie and pretend to be 100%. I am broken inside. I am full of pain and I cry daily for a moment but then I am ok until I cry again. The truth is that I know I am ok and this will pass. The hurt is expected but it isn’t forever. It hurts to feel such happiness only to have it ripped away from you. I smile every time I think of the time we spent together and the conversations we had. I could never hate something that once made me smile. I can never hate him for hurting me. I am thankful for the brief time he reminded me of what it feels like to fall. He is proof that everything I am looking for exists. He was everything.  Adele said it in her song “Never mind I will find someone like you and I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me I pray and I remembered you said Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead”.

I tried to numb the pain with wine and Netflix. I tried to go out and stay up all night looking for someone who would distract me from the sting inside of my chest. I tried to stay busy and workout. Somethings just demand to be felt.  In this case he just may be the wine stain on white pants. The fossil in a rock. The weathered boards of an old pier. The faded color of a beach umbrella. He has left his mark on me and I will never be quite the same.  I once had my heart broken by a man and he apologized later. He expected me to welcome him with open arms. I asked him to write “I’m sorry” on a sheet of paper then run it through the shredder in his office. He said the words but the paper will never be the same.

All of this will pass and I will find someone new one day. I will feel giddy again and think this time is finally the right time. It may or may not be true but the most important thing is that I refuse to give up. I refuse to allow myself to become so gun-shy that I never give love another chance. For now I will just smile and fake it until I make it. We all cope in different ways. I am a woman who knows how to smile through her pain.