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Saturday, August 9, 2014

Guarding My Heart

Well I would love to post about how I'm enjoying the companionship of my boyfriend and how wonderful things are going but I can't. I let it go. I'm not happy about it. To be quite honest I'm hurt. The thing is I loved that elation and the things he told me. He was everything I was looking for but when he got distant then it left me wondering what I did wrong or what he didn't see in me. He says he only wanted to slow down and when he cancelled this weekend for family plans then I just deflated. I know things happen but with everything else it just made my heart sink. I feel like if I was what I should be to him then he wouldn't want to slow things down. He would just take a chance because his heart just couldn't stand being away from me. I want that kind of love. I want to be enough. I want to be worth the effort. I want to be worth the risk.

I know who I am and what I can offer to someone. I've met men who feel the same way but I just wasn't feeling it and although I knew they would be amazing men to me I just couldn't so I backed off. I relate to this situation the same way. I can't help but think its the same circumstances. Maybe I'm jaded but I have boundaries. I will say it again I CONTROL HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME AND HOW I FEEL BY WHAT I ALLOW AND DISALLOW. He may have whatever reason for backing off but it made me feel sad and I have to think about my happiness as well. I spent over 10 years sacrificing my happiness to meet the needs of someone who could care less about mine and I will never make that mistake again.

I have moments where I just break down and cry because I thought maybe I would finally have someone to call mine and enjoy a relationship.  I like him and those feelings don't just go away. I realize though that I have come so far emotionally. I recognize how I should be treated and how things should be handled and if they aren't then that won't change. If I tell someone how they make me feel and they don't change then they don't care or they simply aren't capable of being what I need. I can stick around if I'm willing to sacrifice but if my needs aren't met then why prolong the inevitable? Love...especially in the beginning should be euphoric and exciting and hopeful. It shouldn't make you have anxiety and fear that it could slip away at anytime. That person should always make you feel secure about how they feel about you and your place in their life. You should never fight for a place in someone's life. If they want you there you will be.

I can't lie. I keep hoping he will realize what he had and tell me that I'm enough for him but is it him or just love in general? I would rather hold out for the love I need and deserve than settle for less.  Obviously I'm not everything he's been looking for or he wouldn't let me go...therefore he can't be what I've been looking for because he isn't willing to fight for me and try. He says I'm the one who gave up and maybe I did but he made me feel so special then just made me feel like damaged goods that he has to consider. I'm not perfect. I am who I am but I will be perfect for the right person. I know to judge people by their actions and not their words. I know to keep my guard up until I really know who a person is but I slipped this time. I took a chance and love knocked me down. I don't regret it. I felt amazing for a while. You don't grow by just having takes rain too. I've learned something from this situation. I've learned that I'm stronger than I realized. I also learned that there are men out there with the qualities I'm seeking. I just have wait for the one who's seeking the qualities I possess. He will love me in spite of my imperfections and he will prove to me that I am enough and I am worth it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


You know it's funny that I've blogged all about my philosophies regarding relationships, gender roles, gender habits, and life lessons. I've researched and I know there is truth to alot of it. The funny thing is when its in your face you forget all logic. Love can be so blinding! I blogged about meeting a great guy and really feeling the potential there. While there is still potential he definitely hit the brakes. I found myself wondering what I did wrong. I racked my brain trying to figure out how he went from intense pursuit to distancing himself. That is when I came to my senses and remembered how men pursue...

The blog post was called "THE HUNTER". It was about the stages men fall in love (or opt out). Men pursue hard core at first. They say anything and everything to make you interested and you feel elated at the charm raining down on you! I was smiling so much my face hurt. It was intense really fast and logically we were just excited at the possibility and the connection we felt. That's ok though. It was sweet and it was fun. After they "catch you" then they feel satisfied at their accomplishment and they relax a little. They take a step back and evaluate things. This is when they really decide if they want you. Up until this point it was simply to make sure you wanted them. Once I realized this is how things are then I took a step back and relaxed myself. I know what's going on. He has to decide whether or not he wants me in his life and if I'm a good fit for him. We all have needs and desires. I know that we are compatible from my standards but he has to determine whether or not I am according to his. He doesn't have children and he wants them. He is afraid that I may not be able to give him any more. I have assured him I can but he has to come to this acceptance. He is worried about how his life will be changed by dating a woman with 2 little boys. He has to ease into this slowly and feel comfortable. The last thing I want is a man in my life who loves me but not my children so I am giving him space to feel his way around this.

At first I was disheartened. I met someone amazing and he can choose to walk away at anytime. He can decide that I'm not worth the effort. He can opt for an easier mate. He can choose a younger woman with no children and be happy with her. The fact is that is a risk with anyone. At any time we can give our heart and open our lives up to someone and they can reject us. I know who I am and what I have to offer someone. If he opts to walk away then of course my heart will break but I will be ok. I am emotionally healthy and stable. I am who I am and I love my life. I want to share it with someone who is emotionally available and willing to love not only me but my children unconditionally.

I have put this in God's hands. I started a 14 day prayer guide for MY FUTURE HUSBAND whoever he may be. I am praying daily for him and I am studying God's word. While I was emotional one night and crying I prayed for peace. That is when I saw this scripture. God not only revealed it to me but as I shared it on social media the responses were actually affirmations that God intended for me to read it and focus on it. I love when he speaks to me.
She is clothed with strength and dignity
She laughs without fear of the future
Proverbs 31:25

 I love when he pours out his love and mercy onto me. Just as that charm of a prospective love rained down on me so does God's grace! I pray that he is the one who will CHOOSE my boys and I. I pray that he is the one that will CHOOSE to love me in spite of the effort. I pray that he will CHOOSE to be the man we need in our lives. I pray this because I would CHOOSE to be the woman who supports him as the leader of our home. I would CHOOSE to love him as a Godly woman is supposed to love, honor, and obey her husband. If he is not the one for me that only means there is a man out there looking for us who is even more amazing and right now I can't even imagine that because I think this one is pretty special. I hold on to my faith that God will bless me with a man that I deserve and right now I am claiming that I have found him because I live my life with expectancy. It is better to live with hope and expect great things than to worry...I will laugh and be joyful WITHOUT FEAR OF THE FUTURE!