The thoughts are flooding in faster than I can take them down. I’ve felt like my body is leaking every ounce of passion I once had for seeking love. I feel more like a shell. The sting is so heavy that I feel sleepy all of the time. I’m tired and there comes a time when you have to face reality. My reality is that I was deserted as a child. I wasn’t enough. I drowned that pain in dreams. I lived through fairytales and fables. I escaped my pain by pretending that there could be some prince on a white horse that is going to swoop in and save me from my unhappiness. He hasn’t in 30 years so why now? Why would I expect to be enough now? I’ve been a fool far too long. I’m much too intelligent to allow myself to continue this endless journey to nowhere. There is no pot of gold beneath the rainbow. I put my hope in some notion that someone else could save me from my pain. I simply need to be self reliant and resistant. I had someone call me out once and told me that I was already hard but I had not realized it yet. I was told that I do to others what I expect not to be done to me. I repeat the pain. They told me it wasn’t that I was seeking love but that I loved to “win”. I don’t want to think too deeply about this idea because I feel like there is some truth to it. Not completely true though. I do love the euphoric feeling that infatuation gives but I am going to envision that it is a drug. A poison to my soul. I must refrain from it to detox. This is going to be the hardest thing in my life to smother but I’m ready. I’m scared. I’m broken but I never want to feel again. I don’t want to be the way that I am. I keep getting hurt. I can’t and I won’t again. I almost get angry when men text me with the cliché compliments and lines today. I almost feel like they are insulting my intelligence more so than complimenting me. I don’t need pretty little lies. I have begun to resent the very dream I once lived for. Tragic Irony.
Monday, April 29, 2013
I can’t help but feel I’m on the verge of something amazing. I give my heart away only to have it rejected or broken and returned. As much pain as I feel my soul refuses to die. In order for something to thrive you have to feed it. I was in the shower this morning when I dropped to hug my knees and sob hysterically. A resolve gripped me to kill my heart by denying it love. If I just shut down and lock it up tight then I will never feel pain again. I dismissed this notion. I know that the feeling of infatuation and love is so worth the pain I feel. I can’t help but feel that every heartache only leads me closer to the one who will heal it all someday. Every time I drop my guard and let someone in they hurt me yet I keep the door unlocked. I just want to be everything to one person. I’m taking every feeling I have and associating with the source. I’ve built this man in my mind and I know he’s out there. I don’t know when, where or how he will come to me but he is looking for me right now. I’m the answer to the prayers he has offered up daily. He is the answer to mine. He has somehow felt me every time I cried hoping he would just come save me from the emptiness I feel. Maybe every time I’ve felt empty were times that he was low as well. I need for him to know that I’m here. I have the love to sustain him for a lifetime. I just hope he isn’t giving up on love either. Stay strong whoever you are. Know that wherever you are I’m praying for you. We will find each other someday. I hope.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
It seems I only blog on nights like tonight. I can't wait for this rain to roll in. I can't wait to walk outside and let it wash over me. I keep getting knocked down and I stand right back up. My soul refuses to die and I'm tired. I'm so tired. I say I want this great love but truth is I feel like I can reach out and grab it but I don't. There is one feeling I'm seeking and until I meet the one that makes me feel that way I can't give my heart away. What if I dont even have a heart to give anymore? I know I'm a mess and I'm scattered. I don't know how to find the pieces to begin to repair it. Am I the one to fix me anyway? I have so many thoughts in my head lately. Its like I'm two different people. I can detach and be this intriguing girl that demands respect and leaves people awestruck and I can be this broken Belle wearing her heart on her sleeve. Truth is even when I try to pretend I'm the strong one I'm really just hoping someone sees through it. I seem to feel this sting in my chest a lot more than the butterflies I'm praying for. I can see circumstances arent good but I want to challenge it and see if I'm the exception. I thought about this a lot. I had a seed planted early in my life that I wasnt enough. That I was easy to walk away from. Ever since then I want to push until someone says I'm gonna love you no matter what. I'm gonna love you through this and past your pain. I'm gonna help you get over this because you are worthy of it. This is why I don't go for the easy scenarios. I see impossible and I chase it. If I can make the most impossible person fall in love with me then I'm truly worth it. Lately all I seem to get is lies. I get promises that were never intended to be kept. I get lines that are meant to melt my heart with no intentions of love. I dont have to give my body to anyone to feel loved. I learned that a long time ago. I'm worth so much more. I have a love inside of me that can sustain a lifetime of souls. I have so much empathy and so much love to give but I have to meet the one that Im searching for. I could describe him but the details would take all day and theres no way I can describe the feeling I know I'll feel when I find him. When I do find him I dont need all these titles and rules because it will just flow naturally and we will just both know. Its gonna happen at a pace where I dont get scared and run. I don't mean to hurt people but maybe when I run I just need someone to grab me and stop me. Don't let me go because that only tells me I'm not worth the effort. I've felt that my entire life. I wasnt worth it. I know who I am inside. I know that somewhere I'm the answer to someones prayer. He is gonna know its me the second he lays eyes on me. He's damn sure not going to let me go. In the meantime I may still fall for men that are impossible because its in my nature but eventually he will come along. I guess the good thing is my body is on auto-pilot because I seem to have superhuman strength and gumption. I won't give up as much as I say I want to. I dont. I recently heard that dating was such a childish thing. Romance isnt for everyone. Can I be both a Storgic and Eros Lover? I feel like I have the qualities of both yet I seem to be falling hard for the Pragmatic lover who is boldly telling me it'll never happen. I'm gonna listen this time but he is the closest thing I've ever found to being someone I could honestly give my everything to and never run. Truth is if he were the one he wouldn't reject the notion of love. He would let me. So maybe there is another him somewhere. Here I am trying and trying again having faith in love but is it faith or insanity? If it is insanity how do I let go of this silly notion that I'm going to be swept off my feet and live happily every after? After all its so childish. I guess it's time to grow up and face reality but I just need to know how.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
“It is the easiest thing in the world for a man to look as if he had a great secret in him.”
―Herman Melville, Moby Dick
―Herman Melville, Moby Dick
You’ll never know how often I look into your eyes searching for the story they tell. Your crooked grin is alluring. Your body is chiseled so perfectly but it’s your face and the adorable forehead wrinkle I can’t seem to forget. You’ve taught me so much in this short time we’ve conversed. I can’t help but wonder why you hide behind your cold demeanor. You once said you were a monster. I don’t see it. I see a confident and intelligent man who commands respect with just his presence. I could sit and listen to you talk all day just to hear the stories you’d tell and ideas you share. I want to know more and more each time. You are a fountain of beautiful knowledge. Your blunt wisdom doesn’t hurt me. I usually feel a sting when I’m corrected but with you I just listen. Truth is you can’t teach anyone. You can make them think. It may be common knowledge to you. I somehow feel you are superior to me. I have never met someone other than my grandfather that I have respected in such a way. I’ll never tell you these things. I simply want to remember them should you ever go away. The thing is with you I knew from the door what it was. You never lied or tried to deceive me in anyway and for that I am grateful. I am simply blessed to have met you thus far. You inspire me to learn from my mistakes and grow. I am completely intrigued by you and I think you should know just how amazing you really are if you don’t already know. I don’t care about your past or what you label yourself as. I care about you as a person and how you treat me. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. The day may come when you no longer wish to be my friend and it will surely break my heart. I will be ever thankful that you were there for me to guide me when you did.