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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Attempting to Detach


The thoughts are flooding in faster than I can take them down. I’ve felt like my body is leaking every ounce of passion I once had for seeking love. I feel more like a shell. The sting is so heavy that I feel sleepy all of the time. I’m tired and there comes a time when you have to face reality. My reality is that I was deserted as a child. I wasn’t enough. I drowned that pain in dreams. I lived through fairytales and fables. I escaped my pain by pretending that there could be some prince on a white horse that is going to swoop in and save me from my unhappiness. He hasn’t in 30 years so why now? Why would I expect to be enough now? I’ve been a fool far too long. I’m much too intelligent to allow myself to continue this endless journey to nowhere. There is no pot of gold beneath the rainbow. I put my hope in some notion that someone else could save me from my pain. I simply need to be self reliant and resistant. I had someone call me out once and told me that I was already hard but I had not realized it yet. I was told that I do to others what I expect not to be done to me. I repeat the pain. They told me it wasn’t that I was seeking love but that I loved to “win”. I don’t want to think too deeply about this idea because I feel like there is some truth to it. Not completely true though.  I do love the euphoric feeling that infatuation gives but I am going to envision that it is a drug. A poison to my soul. I must refrain from it to detox. This is going to be the hardest thing in my life to smother but I’m ready. I’m scared. I’m broken but I never want to feel again. I don’t want to be the way that I am. I keep getting hurt. I can’t and I won’t again. I almost get angry when men text me with the cliché compliments and lines today. I almost feel like they are insulting my intelligence more so than complimenting me. I don’t need pretty little lies. I have begun to resent the very dream I once lived for. Tragic Irony.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Don't Give up


I can’t help but feel I’m on the verge of something amazing.  I give my heart away only to have it rejected or broken and returned. As much pain as I feel my soul refuses to die. In order for something to thrive you have to feed it. I was in the shower this morning when I dropped to hug my knees and sob hysterically. A resolve gripped me to kill my heart by denying it love. If I just shut down and lock it up tight then I will never feel pain again. I dismissed this notion. I know that the feeling of infatuation and love is so worth the pain I feel. I can’t help but feel that every heartache only leads me closer to the one who will heal it all someday. Every time I drop my guard and let someone in they hurt me yet I keep the door unlocked. I just want to be everything to one person. I’m taking every feeling I have and associating with the source. I’ve built this man in my mind and I know he’s out there. I don’t know when, where or how he will come to me but he is looking for me right now. I’m the answer to the prayers he has offered up daily. He is the answer to mine. He has somehow felt me every time I cried hoping he would just come save me from the emptiness I feel. Maybe every time I’ve felt empty were times that he was low as well. I need for him to know that I’m here. I have the love to sustain him for a lifetime. I just hope he isn’t giving up on love either. Stay strong whoever you are. Know that wherever you are I’m praying for you. We will find each other someday. I hope.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Insanity vs. Faith



It seems I only blog on nights like tonight. I can't wait for this rain to roll in. I can't wait to walk outside and let it wash over me. I keep getting knocked down and I stand right back up. My soul refuses to die and I'm tired. I'm so tired. I say I want this great love but truth is I feel like I can reach out and grab it but I don't. There is one feeling I'm seeking and until I meet the one that makes me feel that way I can't give my heart away. What if I dont even have a heart to give anymore?  I know I'm a mess and I'm scattered. I don't know how to find the pieces to begin to repair it. Am I the one to fix me anyway? I have so many thoughts in my head lately. Its like I'm two different people. I can detach and be this intriguing girl that demands respect and leaves people awestruck and I can be this broken Belle wearing her heart on her sleeve. Truth is even when I try to pretend I'm the strong one I'm really just hoping someone sees through it. I seem to feel this sting in my chest a lot more than the butterflies I'm praying for. I can see circumstances arent good but I want to challenge it and see if I'm the exception. I thought about this a lot. I had a seed planted early in my life that I wasnt enough. That I was easy to walk away from. Ever since then I want to push until someone says I'm gonna love you no matter what. I'm gonna love you through this and past your pain. I'm gonna help you get over this because you are worthy of it. This is why I don't go for the easy scenarios. I see impossible and I chase it. If I can make the most impossible person fall in love with me then I'm truly worth it. Lately all I seem to get is lies. I get promises that were never intended to be kept. I get lines that are meant to melt my heart with no intentions of love. I dont have to give my body to anyone to feel loved. I learned that a long time ago. I'm worth so much more. I have a love inside of me that can sustain a lifetime of souls. I have so much empathy and so much love to give but I have to meet the one that Im searching for. I could describe him but the details would take all day and theres no way I can describe the feeling I know I'll feel when I find him. When I do find him I dont need all these titles and rules because it will just flow naturally and we will just both know. Its gonna happen at a pace where I dont get scared and run. I don't mean to hurt people but maybe when I run I just need someone to grab me and stop me. Don't let me go because that only tells me I'm not worth the effort. I've felt that my entire life. I wasnt worth it. I know who I am inside. I know that somewhere I'm the answer to someones prayer. He is gonna know its me the second he lays eyes on me. He's damn sure not going to let me go. In the meantime I may still fall for men that are impossible because its in my nature but eventually he will come along. I guess the good thing is my body is on auto-pilot because I seem to have superhuman strength and gumption. I won't give up as much as I say I want to. I dont. I recently heard that dating was such a childish thing. Romance isnt for everyone. Can I be both a Storgic and Eros Lover? I feel like I have the qualities of both yet I seem to be falling hard for the Pragmatic lover who is boldly telling me it'll never happen. I'm gonna listen this time but he is the closest thing I've ever found to being someone I could honestly give my everything to and never run. Truth is if he were the one he wouldn't reject the notion of love. He would let me. So maybe there is another him somewhere.  Here I am trying and trying again having faith in love but is it faith or insanity? If it is insanity how do I let go of this silly notion that I'm going to be swept off my feet and live happily every after? After all its so childish. I guess it's time to grow up and face reality but I just need to know how.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Criticism

I've sparked some criticism lately with my blog. People say I'm dramatic or desperate. You're damn right I am. I live my life. I don't hide from it. I choose to live it. The thing is people have always tried to tear me down but I'm that girl that gets up quickly and moves on. I dust myself off and smile. It's called gumption. I am strong because I have to be. Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I don't break. I fall apart all of the time. I do know that the pain is temporary though. I do know that I learn from my life experiences. I bleed it for everything it is. I know that there is something to be learned from every situation. I'm harvesting. The thing is I've ached for passion my entire life and I've searched for it.  I've tasted it and touched it but never could quite get my hands on it. It was enough to fuel the hunger and pursue it. That is where I am right now. I'm on this journey of life and I know what I want. You can criticize me and tell me what you perceive of me. You can judge me but its your opinion. No one and I mean that literally NO ONE really knows me. I may reveal a lot but until I meet the one I know is my soul mate I will never feel comfortable sharing my secrets with just anyone.  You say I'm seeking attention. If you call being lonely seeking attention you're right. Don't we all want to be noticed and loved? Until you have experienced the things I have then you have no right to judge me. You have no idea of the things that have happened to me. You don't know the horrific traumas I've endured and survived. I can talk about love and tragedy because I've experienced it. If you're afraid of it then by all means hide behind your life of mediocrity but I'm seeking something more.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Moby Dick


 
 
“It is the easiest thing in the world for a man to look as if he had a great secret in him.”
―Herman Melville, Moby Dick
 
You’ll never know how often I look into your eyes searching for the story they tell. Your crooked grin is alluring. Your body is chiseled so perfectly but it’s your face and the adorable forehead wrinkle I can’t seem to forget. You’ve taught me so much in this short time we’ve conversed. I can’t help but wonder why you hide behind your cold demeanor. You once said you were a monster. I don’t see it. I see a confident and intelligent man who commands respect with just his presence. I could sit and listen to you talk all day just to hear the stories you’d tell and ideas you share. I want to know more and more each time. You are a fountain of beautiful knowledge. Your blunt wisdom doesn’t hurt me. I usually feel a sting when I’m corrected but with you I just listen.  Truth is you can’t teach anyone.  You can make them think.  It may be common knowledge to you.  I somehow feel you are superior to me. I have never met someone other than my grandfather that I have respected in such a way. I’ll never tell you these things. I simply want to remember them should you ever go away. The thing is with you I knew from the door what it was.  You never lied or tried to deceive me in anyway and for that I am grateful. I am simply blessed to have met you thus far. You inspire me to learn from my mistakes and grow. I am completely intrigued by you and I think you should know just how amazing you really are if you don’t already know. I don’t care about your past or what you label yourself as. I care about you as a person and how you treat me. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. The day may come when you no longer wish to be my friend and it will surely break my heart. I will be ever thankful that you were there for me to guide me when you did.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Enough

Its hard to think that I was taken for a fool like I was. It's really hard to think that anyone would awaken a love inside someone when it had lie dormant for so long and have no intention of pursuing that love. You let me fall and didn't catch me. You didn't catch me because your hands were full. I still look at the pics on Google images.  I look at her looking at you and think about the nights I pictured the same thing someday. She was a beautiful bride and you were a handsome groom. I had a wall up with you.  I tried to leave you alone.  You pursued me relentlessly until I gave in.  When I do that I give it my all because people deserve each other at their very best.  I spent years alone.  I had someone here but I was alone. I was told I was nothing day after day until I decided to stop being a victim. I found my gumption. I felt empowered. The weakness was my heart. I was a thirsty woman. It's easy to fill the heart of a thirsty woman. You knew that though. You told me all the right things you bastard. I spent my days thinking of you coming home. You asked me what I would wear when you came home. I told you a dress with a flower in my hair. You were going to give me that classic military kiss that I found the photo of. It was the things lost in detail that hurt. You didn't have to take it to that level. I'm one of the few faithful women left. I don't believe in loving unless you are completely devoted to that person.  How dare you lie to me? I have no closure. I don't know why you hurt me so bad. All I know is you're living your life and you used me and left me feeling empty and foolish.  Someday you will feel that same pain.  Truth is I don't even know if we'd have been compatible. All I knew is you made me smile and I wanted to be yours. Everything else was circumstantial. I would have moved anywhere to be with you. I would have uprooted my life to take care of you for the rest of yours.  I have been so reluctant to blog about this because of the pain it brings up. However, I have to get it out of me. I thought being a soldier meant you have integrity. I just don't know what else to say and I don't know why this one thing has scarred me. I cant seem to shake it. I still cry.  I find it hard to trust people. I question their motives. Everyone I have ever loved has been unfaithful. I feel like I'm not enough.  If  it weren't so easy and maybe if I were a challenge would that make a difference? I don't want to play games though. I just want to be me and I want someone to adore that. I want to share my life and my soul with someone and be enough to sustain them. I always wondered how my mother left me with my grandparents and drove away. That was the first feeling remotely close to this. Daddy found it hard to see me because I reminded him of mom. He wouldn't look me in my eyes without crying and telling me how beautiful I was. Yet I wasn't enough to make him stop using. My first love and husband left me for another woman. He took my virginity and my life. I gave my hand for eternity and he broke those vows leaving me a marked woman.  I wasn't enough for him.  Then there's my most recent marriage. I begged for affection.  I did everything for him. He wouldn't say he loved me. He wouldn't kiss me. I felt unattractive and lonely. I wasn't enough for him. I have all this pain yet my soul refuses to die. I have all this tragedy inside and yet I still want to love with everything I have. Its this relentless passion inside. I just feel that there is a purpose. I feel that I am here to be everything to one Man and he is going to be everything I ever wanted. He will be the answer to every prayer I've offered. He will be my protector and my lover. I will devote my life to him. He wont hurt me. He wont see another woman. He will hold me every night like its our last. He will be both romantic and responsible. He will pull me close when I try to run. He will kiss me to make me shut my mouth. He will love me past all this pain and he will restore my faith in love once again.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Integrity

I was observing colleagues today and it was so amusing to see how people act around each other.  They are different around each person they encounter.  I'm the same no matter what.  I may reserve certain conversations for certain company but ultimately I am who I am.  I wonder why people do this? Are they trying to appear "relate-able" to each other?  Is it so far fetched that we just act like ourselves and others will still respond appropriately? If someone approaches me with an issue I don't expect them to lay down this thick southern drawl and act like a fellow Scarlett O'Hara.  I'm going to listen regardless.  I respect diversity.  It's real.  I was discussing this with a colleague.  We discussed how people are pretty much the same once you strip everything away but the person and put them in the same circumstances.  I told her that I find it hard to befriend people when I hear them being two faced and rude behind someone's back.  I will be cordial but I can't befriend someone if I don't sense integrity.  She told me I would be lonely if I didn't stop that.  She said I should befriend everyone but know how to handle them individually.  Why exhaust time and effort on a friendship that I don't respect? I believe in quality over quantity.  I'd rather have a few real and meaningful conversations than a lifetime of dealing with drama and opinions that I could care less about.  I don't suffer fools well.  We all have our vices.  Not everyone likes me.  They think that I'm a snob.  The thing is I'm extremely humble.  I try not to judge because I know nothing of people's suffering.  I just choose to not associate with people who represent things that Id rather not be affiliated with.  People say they don't care what people think but in a sense we all do.  I do however want people to understand that I look past their vices and show compassion for them as a person.  Bless your heart!  That phrase can be a blessing and a curse. We Belles use it frequently.  I have gotten to know people through out my life and some friendships I thought would last forever.  People grow and they change and not everyone progresses at the same tempo. Some people are left behind. It's just the way it is.  I do believe that people are brought into our lives for a purpose and they remain in our lives until that purpose has been resolved.  I loved my best friend for the past 10 years and recently I had to let her go.  She was stuck in this selfish mindset that she was above every man that came along in her life.  She had these ideals that must match or else she would use them and move on.  I found it disgusting over time.  I lost respect for her therefore I could not maintain a friendship with her.  Maybe I was wrong for judging her actions.  I tried to find compassion for her and look beyond it but she showed no remorse and it bothered me so bad.  I cannot use someone.  I am extremely selfless.  Selfless to the point that I am often resentful that I've never been treated the way I treat others.  I wont stop because its in my nature to take care of people.  Maybe people have tried to take care of me but I dismissed it with my independence.  I'm certain that there are other people out there that feel this way.  Ive spoken with a few.  I don't know if I'm wrong in my actions but none the less it is how I make and break friendships. 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Head Vs. Heart

I sometimes wish I could switch off my feelings as easily as I pretend I can.  I wonder who sees through me? I'm always honest about my feelings.  I am the way that I am but I don't share how much I care.  I don't share how easily I get my feelings hurt.  The thing is though I keep pushing for it.  I keep going forward.  I can take it.  Its the little masochist in me.  I'm starting to end things before they cause me pain though.  I'm getting better.  Somethings feel amazing and alive and I can know they are fake. Sometimes I'm like the hell with it. Its like an addiction.  I need my fix. Lately I've started to realize heartache before it has a chance and I walk away.  It's amazing to me how men can detach themselves from intimacy.  Maybe thats why I choose to not find someone that I can really be with intimately.  I don't want to feel and then hurt.   So how do I begin to not be so caring and loving? How do I block this feeling of nurturing and taking care of someone? Thats the kind of wife that gets cheated on with these women that don't care.  Its appealing. I'm the best of both worlds and they never give me the chance to see that. I wont be a NSA lover. Its all or nothing for me. I tensed up saying that. My heart is screaming Nooooooo!!! Shes all about something is better than nothing. Selfish little thing she is.  I met this local boy who was very sweet but had no intelligence.  He thought I was that sassy Southern Belle who would eat up his pretty little lies and give it up. I shut that down.  He didn't even try.  Silly boy.  One day when they're all older and settled they will think of me.  They will wish they hadn't been so stupid.  I will be just fine knowing my morals took precedence over their stupidity.  I'm really tired about blogging the same stuff over and over again.  Something has got to give.  This war between my head and my heart is never ending and frankly I'm starting not give a damn.