Dear Past: Thanks for the lessons. Dear Future: I'm ready.
Love, Ashley
Someone recently told me about the "Red String Theory".
That two people are connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless
of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but
never break. This is similar to the concept of soul mates or a destined flame. I
dont believe in one soul mate for every person. I believe love is a choice and you
choose who you want to be with for life. The idea of a soul mate stands to
reason that you're destined to be together forever regardless of circumstance but in any relationship you get out of it what you put in.
I believe in biblical
gender roles. That is where the husband is the patriarch of his family. He is
the leader. With that being said, not all men are qualified for this role and
its up to women to choose and marry wisely. A man who seeks God first is led by
him therefore submitting to him as a wife is obeying God. A man is designed to
thrive on respect, feeling needed and appreciated. A woman's role is to submit
and support her husband/family. She thrives on affection and feeling safe/secure.
Most married men that cheat will tell you they aren't appreciated at
home, their wife doesn't make them feel needed/wanted, and they are not respected. Their wives are prioritizing everything but him, controlling, nagging, stopped trying, refuse sex and they feel more like roommates. If you make a
man feel like he is the only man alive, respect him for being the leader/provider of the home, appreciate him for everything he does and submit to him
completely then he will adore you and appreciate you for that. He will do
anything to hold on to that feeling. He will not want to disappoint the person
who looks up to him in every way and depends on him. At the same time you offer
a support role. You are his cheerleader and no matter what he does you trust his
decision. Even if you doubt you follow. Always keep up with
yourself like you did in the beginning. Keep the passion alive so it doesnt die.
I am not justifying infidelity. Im simply emphasizing the importance of
maintaining a healthy marriage. If your husband communicates with you that he
doesnt like something, wants more of something or needs something then listen to
make sure you’re meeting his needs. He should do the same. The problem is that
people get stuck in the mindset of "I shouldnt have to ask. They should just
know". One or both become bitter then selfish and refuse to meet the
others needs because they feel their partner isnt doing enough.
When a woman
isnt happy in the marriage it is alot easier for her to ask for a divorce. Men
are looked at as though they’re abandoning their families. Women usually end up with the
kids and men are given every other weekend. They dont want to be part-time
fathers. They stay in a love-less marriage because they typically have more to
lose.
Alot of single women dont set out to be homewreckers. Often they find
themselves deeply involved with a man before they discover he is married. They
believe his story or sympathize with his circumstances because they're now
invested. There are a few signs to look for. It’s better to identify it early on
so you're not blindsided later.
I have learned over time that married men like to engage in conversation over social media. They sometimes use fake profile pages
to do this so they go undetected but alot of times they keep it vague so they
can play it off if you question them. Most simply want conversation and flirting
because they want to feel wanted again. Alot of times they'll initiate sexual
conversations and/or solicit photos because thats the extent of the affair
they're comfortable having. The men who are lonely and seeking that emotional
connection typically become attached quickly. You’re meeting the needs that aren’t being met at home.
There are of course those who are
strictly looking for sex and they do not usually engage in alot of conversation
unless its strictly sexual or asking to meet for obvious reasons. These almost
always use fake profiles or texting apps they can delete before going home. Very
seldom are they forthcoming with who they really are but they will admit to
being married or say they’re seperated.
If you meet a married man in public
rather than online he will probably not tell you his real name. He will get
your number and text through an app. He usually says he doesn't have any social
media for whatever reason. There’s also the issue of why you can't go to his
place. He’s either “staying with someone” or “travels with work” etc. but he “will
come to you”.
It doesn’t matter if someone is going through a divorce when you
meet or you find yourself in love with a married man who swears he is leaving...
it will not work. He may even think he is in love with you. “You are
everything he wants in a wife”, so he leaves his family for you. Once the reality
hits and he has actual freedom then his mentality will change. You were a
distraction when he felt stuck. You were a bandaid to help him through. You were
a nice supplement to what he was missing. Now that he is free, your relationship
will change. You will struggle with trust because you know how you got him. He
will leave you and transition into his once again bachelor phase. The same
applies to newly divorced men. The rebound is a passionate, whirlwind romance
but it doesn't last. Once again the issues of timing and conquest are at play.
Because I am an
INFJ personality type and read people well, my intuition takes over almost
instantly. I often know someone’s situation without much conversation if any. I
begin to call them on what they’re doing and why. They immediately freak out
because I know what they haven’t even admitted to themselves. At the same time, they feel liberated
and understood. It's a comforting feeling and they instantly open up to me. I then give them some advice they will NOT take and I tell them how their
situation is going to play out. On several occasions, they have reached back out to tell me I was
spot on. Unfortunately some get excited and intrigued so much that they confuse it with
what they think is love or a twin flame. I have had to block communication with
those. They are going to have an emotional roller coaster through their process
and I dont want to ride.
There a many more scenarios and outcomes I could share
but my advice still stands. Keep up with your homework or leave. You
can judge me for being a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, bandaid or
mislabeled homewrecker but I know what I’m talking about and so does your
husband.
