Greatness

Martin Luther King is known as a civil rights activist but have you ever read the things he’s said and written? This man was a great writer.

I want you to read this and read it again. “YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE YOUR SUBJECT AND VERB AGREE TO SERVE”.

You may think this goes right along with his statement above it “you don’t have to have a college degree to serve” because subject verb agreement is a lesson in grammar. For someone to pass English as a prerequisite in college they would have to know this term: *Subjects and verbs must AGREE with one another in number (singular or plural). Thus, if a subject is singular, its verb must also be singular; if a subject is plural, its verb must also be plural*

One would read this and conclude that anyone can serve others and you don’t have to be educated to do so. While that’s true that is not just what Dr. King is saying

He chose his words carefully because they carry a deeper message. The last line hints at its true meaning “You only need a heart full of grace and a soul full of Love”.

Notice he didn’t say a heart full of love and a soul full of grace.

Our HEARTS are where we feel emotions. The heart/mind run on feelings and emotions. Our SOUL is what defines us  as our character/inner-being. Our actions/decisions are made from our soul and it clearly shows if we made a decision based off emotion or what is right.

GRACE =God's unmerited favor. It is kindness from God that we don't deserve. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift from God. Grace is divine assistance given to humans when they accept Christ as their savior, a virtue coming from God; It is God’s help and guidance.

“a HEART full of GRACE” means to accept Christ and have the Holy Spirit inside of you guiding you. When we have the Holy Spirit to guide us that is when he gives us discernment over our feelings and emotions. In spite of what we feel or want we have that voice telling us what is right. A heart full of God’s Grace is a heart that will extend that grace to others.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

I’m sure you’ve heard the quote that basically says
Thoughts become words
Words become actions
Actions define your character

If God is in our heart then it flows to our soul and our actions are a reflection of his love.

“a SOUL full of LOVE”
Love is not a feeling or emotion. LOVE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN ACTION VERB. A soul full of love is someone showing love through their actions/decision making. The opposite of evil is love.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE YOUR SUBJECT AND VERB AGREE TO SERVE.
The “subject” in this passage is referring to a situation or a person. The verb is “Love”. You don’t have to agree with the situation or the person to extend grace and show love. If someone hurts you then the verb that comes to mind may be revenge by allowing them to suffer in a situation. In that case the subject and verb would agree. Evil begets evil. If someone hurts you and you choose to serve them by showing love that defines greatness as Dr. King said.

Existence

There aren’t many people who can fathom the depth of an INFJ personality. In fact, it takes one to know one. It makes for a lonely existence, but solitude is something an INFJ thrives on. I’m sure it has more to do with adaptation than choice. On rare occasions we will encounter like minded individuals and the excitement is overwhelming.  People want to be understood but an INFJ rarely understands themselves. They’re enigmatic to others and to themselves.

I feel things on a deeper level than most. I am an INFJ Empath, so I feel other’s emotions and absorb their energy.  It drains me and I must be very careful about those that I surround myself with. It is such a gift to read others and understand them in ways I only wish to be understood. I see and feel things that I wish I could share with others and I can’t. It is impossible to share my existence in this world, but I am going to try.

My world is full of wonder. I love to explore historical places off the beaten path and get lost in the imagery of life that once existed there. I’ve brushed my hands along bring walls and imagined the conversations that once took place among the bricklayers. I have turned pages of old books and wondered if someone long before me wept when they read the same words that touched me so deeply. I have studied the faces in antique portraits and wondered what secrets were hidden in their eyes. I have walked along beaten paths wondering whose footsteps walked before me. 

My world is full of passion and emotion.  I have spent hours immersed in song lyrics that describe my thoughts and feelings in ways I couldn’t express otherwise. The lyrics were written by someone who at some point in their life felt the same emotions that I am feeling. In that moment, I don’t feel so alone. In that moment I know that someone understands or has at least understood. I have felt an emotional connection to fictional characters in books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen.  I have grieved when the credits began to roll, or the final page has been turned. Those rare and brief moments in time are so moving and so rare that I long for the next encounter.  When I love I give it my all because I don’t know how to be anything less than I am. When I feel pain, I feel it deeply and appreciate the growth that follows.

A lot of people understand the difference in sympathy and empathy, but I don’t know what it feels like to sympathize.  I only feel empathy.  Sometimes its so overwhelming that it takes a toll on me physically.  I tend to avoid the news and triggers because I know what it does to me.  I also avoid interactions with people and over time I have closed myself off as a defense mechanism.  If I don’t allow others to get close or I don’t expose myself then I can avoid some of those emotions.  It is so draining to feel this way and read so much into normal conversations.  I know things without having proof and I have no way to communicate that with others. 

When I have shared what I feel with others they are often baffled as to how I read them so accurately and understand what and why they feel the way they do.  We are alike in so many ways, but people internalize so much out of fear that they are alone in their thoughts. People internalize so much because we have all been broken when vulnerable. I have been broken time and time again, but I have loved in ways that many will never feel. If I don’t risk the pain, then I don’t get to experience the joy. If I don’t put myself out there, then how can anyone understand me? If I don’t share my existence with the world then how will others know they are not alone?

O Holy Night

As I sit here tonight or morning rather, I ponder about everything Christmas.  I reflect on memories of Christmas past and I stress over Christmas present.  The pun is definitely intended because PRESENTS seem to take such priority over our Christmas thoughts. Our expectations of Christmas and what it should be for ourselves, our children and our families.  We compare our decorations to those we see on pinterest and we vow to do Christmas crafts with our kids every night.  "THIS YEAR" precedes every great plan and expectation we set for the holiday. When work life and everyday routines sort of get in the way and we find ourselves drawing closer and closer to the big day we begin to feel overwhelmed and pressure to get everything done because THIS IS THE YEAR. When it doesn't quite happened as planned we find ourselves feeling defeated.  We feel as though we are depriving our children of Christmas cheer and nostalgic memories.

Im sitting on my couch next to a pile of laundry that has nestled in the same spot for 2 weeks.  The glow of the lights allow just enough visibility that I can see the legos, shards of wrapping paper, shoes, amazon boxes and a kfc cup sitting next to the television. I had big plans for tonight.  It would begin with family and a traditional game of dirty santa then carols on the way home.  We would then bake hot cocoa cookies, peppermint sugar cookies and make apple cider before watching a Christmas story as a family. We would then read the nativity story from the bible and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and how this night we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Well the night began with family and that traditional game of dirty santa. The ride home was filled with silent but deadly flatulence from two giggling boys who complained about me wanting to drive and see Christmas lights. We arrived home and realized I still needed to clean the kitchen.  As they dumped their favorite stockings that their aunt net had gifted them I began cleaning. They sorted their loot and prepared for bed forgetting all about cookies and movies.

I felt as though I wasn't living up to the expectations I set for their Christmas this year.  I felt defeated and guilty.  I hadn't done enough.  I hadn't bought enough. I think about Mary pregnant with Jesus and preparing for his arrival.  She knew she would give birth to the Messiah. I can't imagine the expectations that she set for this day and how everything changed.  Im sure she never imagined giving birth in a stable among livestock.  Im sure she wanted more for her newborn son than a trough with hay as a manger. She probably wanted her family near to support her and celebrate the occasion. Everything changed.  She was tired and exhausted.  She made the best of the situation and unto us a King was born. How humbling is that thought? In the cold of night a king lying in hay wrapped in swaddling clothes. Why do I expect so much and allow it to steal the joy of Christmas from me?  As Mary lied there exhausted from child birth there was Joseph gazing at his son. Preparing himself for the unknown but trusting in God with everything.

Well baby Jesus would certainly feel like he was in a stable here with our disarray but he is always welcome. Our ride home may have smelled the same as that old barn as well.  We have room for him here. Where the bright lights and festivities may try to be all inclusive during the holidays we find the true meaning of Christmas in a cold dirty stable. From a dirty stable to a messy apartment he makes all things new. He came to restore. He came as grace.  He came as unconditional love.  He came to die so that we may have eternal life through him. No gift can ever compare. No décor will ever be as beautiful as the glow of Mary after birth. No lights will ever shine as bright as the northern star as it led the wise men on this night. Maybe we need to shift our expectations NEXT YEAR and focus on what truly matters. WISE MEN still seek him.  O Holy night.

Grief is the price of love

Grief is so unpredictable and can be absolutely paralyzing. We avoid known triggers whether they be a song or a place. We may even learn to suppress emotions and disconnect when we find ourselves face to face with grief. There are moments however that grief grabs us with such a bold embrace that we are rendered helpless. In that moment we forcibly succumb to its power and we feel whatever it commands that we feel. There’s no preparation or coping mechanism known to man that can grant you 100% immunity to grief. Some things just demand to be felt. 

For the longest I didn’t grieve my father’s death and one day I was sitting on my couch and grief pinned me down. I had prepared myself to lose my father and I somehow knew the day was coming. I didn’t know how to feel when it finally happened. I had to process a lot of emotions and feelings at once. I went into survival mode. I learned at an early age how to control my thought process and focus on the positive so that I could be strong and grow from every situation rather than become a victim to it. That day I sobbed and I vented and I wrote. It left me almost as quickly as it found me. 

I grieved the loss of who I believed to be the love of my life when he never came home to me from his deployment. I grieved the loss of the life I imagined we would share together. I grieved the loss of his homecoming. I grieved the loss of our first kiss. I grieved the loss of never being able to ask questions or say goodbye. I grieved silently and shamefully as I was blindsided with reality and the perception that no one could or would understand. When I finally pulled myself together I found out just how paralyzing grief could be. It could be a uniformed man in the grocery store or a conversation with a waitress who’s son joined the military. It could be a song or the sight of the dress I planned to wear. It was the thought of Texas. It was the sight of people pick-nicking. I searched for his face in crowds. I heard his voice. I had the same dream hundreds of times until they became fewer and further apart. Then it was the pain and guilt of feeling like I was getting over it. I didn’t want to but I so desperately wanted to at the same time. Then anger set in. Anger was met with this subconscious desire to recreate that situation and that feeling while deep down trying to find him in another. The truth is that I was grieving a possibility and I had to accept that. Who knows what may have happened between us because we never got that chance. I had to let go but every now and then  I feel the sting and it takes my breath away and then it’s gone. 

I started grieving the loss of my mother long before she died. Just as I mentioned that I learned how to control my thoughts as a kid that is exactly how I processed the fact that my mother didn’t raise me. I thought of her as a selfless mother who sacrificed so that I could have a better life with my grandparents. Growing up I felt so much love and any time I felt anger or confusion about her absence I simply reminded myself of how much she must have loved me to do what she did. It wasn’t until I became a mother that my thoughts about her changed. It was that moment when I held Trenton in my arms for the first time that I knew unconditional love. It was that moment I was lost for words that could adequately express how much love I felt for another human being. I loved him so much it physically hurt to try and wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t imagine ever having to leave him behind. Which led me to wonder why she didn’t simply move back home to take care of me with my grandparents help. I realized she wasn’t selfless. That moment really made me question how my own mother didn’t love me as much as I loved my child. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer I disconnected. I felt it would be easier if I held on to the indifference I felt for her than try to heal anything and lose her. I didn’t want to heal and then say goodbye because that seemed so unfair. It wasn’t fair to ask me to feel anymore pain that I was already forced to feel. I had this deep rooted fear and desire to always be enough. To not have to feel like I have to earn love or affection. I wanted to know that someone could love me as much as I loved my boys. I didn’t and still don’t think anyone has. I no longer hurt or desire that because I know that God loves me that much and more and that is all that matters. My mother found that same acceptance and love through Jesus Christ before her death. I forgave my mother and my mother forgave me. I realized that we both struggled with the same emotions and we didn’t know how to heal. We found this place of healing the week she passed. I found her the morning she died. I can’t forget that moment. It’s a moment that I deserved to have with her. I realized that death waits for no one or no moment. It comes whether you’re ready or not. I would love to have enjoyed more time with my mother after she was saved. I feel like it would’ve been different and so rewarding but death didn’t care. She may not have found salvation had she not been faced with a terminal illness. What I could see as a robbery of our time is actually a blessing. My mother could’ve faced an untimely death with no preparation and she would’ve been lost. We never would’ve had that moment together. Her death has been a reminder to love while I can and live each day with purpose. 

Grief only “gets easier” with time because we learn to live with it. We learn that the emotions it brings will he felt regardless so we adapt. Grief is found in every moment we wish we could share with those who are gone. Grief is found during Every holiday, birthday, anniversary and memory. We can share all the positive messages and all the quotes and bible verses we know about grief but not one will counteract the tears that fall when it shows up at our door. 

SELFLESS VS SELF CARE

I considered an introductory title of "GUESS WHO'S BACK" then I got Slim shady stuck in my head so there's that! I can't believe its been a year since I've last blogged.  I have definitely missed it.  Blogging is so therapeutic for me. I feel like I harbor all these thoughts in my mind that I can naturally can't just discuss randomly with strangers in person. I have felt so overwhelmed and so run down lately as if life were just passing me by while I'm waiting on it to happen. I've had a mom meltdown this weekend and after crying and praying I realized I need an outlet.  I also feel like sharing these everyday moments with you somehow lets other people know that maybe what we feel or go through or think about isn't so isolated. 

I was driving the other day thinking about everything on my task list and every event scheduled in my HAPPY PLANNER. I have a full time job as a billing specialist which I absolutely love and I have my vinyl boutique PROVERBS & PEARLS BOUTIQUE. I'm also a single mother of 2 boys (a teen and tween) who fight relentlessly. As if that weren't enough I also keep a housecleaning schedule, workout daily, weekly yoga and dance class, elderly parents who are both recovering from a stroke and broken legs and I am a girlfriend to a really great guy (just over 2 years now). I enjoy everything I am involved in but what you don't know about me is my personality type. 

I am an INFJ.  If you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test, I def suggest doing so! Basically my personality type makes up less than 1% of the population. I feed off the energy of others. I feel what others are feeling. People are drawn to me and feel this natural inclination to open up to me about everything even if they've just met me. Because I am constantly reading others whether I want to or not I am drained every day.  I have to disconnect so that I can recharge and that is why I appear to be a hermit.  I have to be in the mood to be sociable.  I have to choose carefully the company that I keep because I take on their energy. Reading others is a gift that allows me to recognize where and how I may witness to them or earn their trust.

On the outside I appear to have it all together. I volunteer and I over commit without saying No.  I give and give to others because that is who I am.  I often think about what it would be like to be the person on the other end. I learned long ago that my expectations of others is what let me down.  For the most part people don't fail us. Our expectations do. We expect others to love as we do and give as we do and when they don't we feel disappointment. When I find myself feeling this way I quickly dismiss it and feel ashamed for even considering that thought. A Christian shouldn't expect anything in return.  We are to extend agape love. Selfless love.  Love being an action verb.  A choice. We love and give without any expectation of return. We accept the apologies we may never hear and we extend grace when it isn't requested. We do so because we are called to love as Christ loves us. We often fail in our attempts to love as he first loved us. We are often stingy with our grace even though he extends it abundantly to us.  We are humans and we sin but HIS GRACE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.

So here I am with this constant struggle between self-care and giving.  Agape love is SELFLESS. I allowed Satan to twist the truth and whisper lies to me.  SELFLESS does not mean LESS SELF in the sense that you aren't important.  Our bodies are temples. If we are to be the body of Christ we have to take care of it. We do so by allowing Christ to take care of us! The fact is we get so caught up in these everyday moments, events, task lists and we forget to put God first. We forget to spend that quality time with him.  We feel as though we are doing God's work therefore that is time spent with the Lord. We neglect to feed our soul with the word. When we starve ourselves we grow weak.  We don't spend that time with him so he may quench our thirst. We give and give without seeking him so that he may restore us daily.  Daily meditation and alone time with God is essential.  We should seek him first.  If our planner just seems to busy then we need to re-prioritize or wake up earlier. Without him I can do nothing. He is my provider.  He is my father. Everything I am giving to others has been given to me by him.  He restocks me and restores me and gives me the strength I need to get through each day BUT only if I come to him first.

So while others may fail us and our expectations fail us and we fail ourselves...He never fails us! When our kids are defiant and arguing among themselves without coming to us we are reminded that we too do the same.  When life seems so busy and full of chaos we don't have to drown...we need to reach for our life line. Every time I find myself overwhelmed and trying to fix things its because I am trying to take control.  He is in control and for good reason. I can assure you I wreck our little vessel every single time I snatch the wheel from him.

Weathered Storms

As I sit here tonight listening to the storm blowing in, I can't help but imagine our hearts feel the same way as we walk through our lives. As we encounter conflict after conflict and disappointment after disappointment the thunder begins to roll inside of us gripping our heart with great fear or anxious passion.  Some people are afraid of bad weather. When it begins to storm they worry and pray for it to pass. Others like myself love bad weather and enjoy the tranquility of it's chaos.

Storms bring new growth. Plants cant survive on sunshine alone nor can we. In order to grow we must face the rain from time to time and allow it to cleanse our soul. I don't fear the storm because I know what follows. The fact that I crave it sometimes tells a different story. My life has seemingly been one storm after another and its the only way I know how to live my life. I endure the rain. I am the umbrella that shields those around me. In a way I have romanticized the rain in the way that it gives life and cleanses everything it touches.

Without the sun there would be no rain. As the rays of sunshine dance on our shoulders and bronze our noses it enables the journey of our soon to be rain drops.  As moisture is collected from the ocean, creeks, rivers, lakes and streams that are hidden away from sight the sky is heavy with it weight. It needs to release the burden.

As we live our lives beneath the warmth of the sun it watches over us as we face heartache and loss. It shines light on the faces that cause us anger and resentment. It wakes us each morning with the relentless reminder that we have responsibilities and expectations to meet. Just like the sky we take it all in over and over. Day after day our hearts are heavy with the burdens. Some of us fear the break down and others find a familiar comfort in it.

Before long our hearts and possibly those we are closest too hear the thunder as the clouds begin to roll in shadowing all around. Just like that tears begin to fall and just like a soft afternoon shower we find healing in the release. Other times we shout in anger and hurt as a storm sweeps across our lives purging the brokenness and leaving us soaked in tears that may take days to dry. In some cases hurricanes spin out of control not only destroying us but everyone around us as we try our best to wipe away everything and start over.

Do you fear bad weather or does it excite you in ways you don't understand?

Dear Future Husband 5.16.17

Dear Future Husband,

How was your day?  I pray it was filled with favor and blessings. I spent the day nurturing a seek teenager and that was challenging. When we learned about the differences in males and females I must have missed the day we discussed the transition of males into toddlers when plagued with a common cold or other illness. Studies have shown it to be very profound.

I am currently decluttering my home and organizing so I dont have much to move when you find and marry me. I am planning a garage sale to get rid of everything I dont use or need. I hope you're not upset that I wont come with a fondue set, fish griller, painting of 2 basset hounds, fish tank, scrubs, parot painting and a cd collection demonstrating self hypnosis.  I just need to get back to the basics and simplify my space.

I wonder where you are and what you're doing right now.  Some nights I imagine our lives together and I watch it play out like a romantic comedy in my mind. You are Gerard Butler.  You're welcome. We laugh often and home is where we rush back to at the end of every day.  The boys are happy and we sit as a family roasting one another with Deez Nuts jokes.

Well my dear I am off to bed. Before I turn off the light know that I read my devotion and pray for you, for us and for the life we will journey together. I really hope you hurry. Patience is the virtue that Im clearly refining. Continue to seek after the Lord and he will guide you. I believe in the man he has designed for you to be and until you are mine. I love you.  Goodnight.

Love,
Your future Wife
Ashley

PS: Im currently on a budget so I gave up tanning and nails.  If you could lower your standards just slightly that would be great.

Ashley's thoughts

Ashley's thoughts

Dear Future Husband 8.11.16

Dear future husband,

I apologize that it has been a while since I've last written.  Any time that I have had to myself has been spent resting. These boys certainly keep a momma on her toes! Please know that I still pray for you and claim favor and blessing over you daily. Lately I have found myself day dreaming about our lives together and what that will be like.  I like to imagine waking up early to cook breakfast for you and the boys before you head off to work. I think about the mornings you seem to be in a rush and I hastily prepare your lunch and iron your clothes while you shower. I imagine you kissing me before you rush out of the door knowing you'll be greeted by the same lips when you get home. I think about the conversations we will have at night when we are relaxing on the couch or lying in bed. I ponder the plans we will make and the projects we will work on together.  I think about rubbing your back when you've had a bad day or simply just because. I think about sweet moments where you'll bring flowers home or surprise me with a lunch date at work.

There are so many things that I could dream about but none may go exactly as I have imagined. Our lives are full of possibility and memories just waiting to be made. I want to be the love you want to be in. I want to be the person you retreat to when the day is long and the world is cold. I want to be your sunny day and the one you lean on. I want to do everything in my power to be the woman you fell in love with from day one. I never want to be one of those mediocre couples living mundane lives wishing things were different. Things will always be what you make of them. The scary part is that is takes two people who both want the same thing and are willing to both put forth the effort to keep the marriage cultivated and alive. That is what I want from you someday. I want a husband who places our marriage as his top priority second only to his relationship with God.

I know what I am willing to give to you and I just pray that you are willing to give me the same. I have faith that you will be an amazing husband to me and a father to my boys. I have faith that you will be the one who protects us and leads us in love. I have faith that you will never stop courting me and making me feel special.  I have faith that you will give me the security of knowing that I am the only woman you will ever want or need. I have faith that I will be enough for you and you will be enough for me.

I pray that God will reveal you to me everyday but until that day comes I will keep praying blessings over you. I will continue to prepare my heart and my life to be the wife that you deserve and a mother to my boys. I will study God's word to be a Proverbs 31 woman and I will focus on the direction God is leading me in my life. I have faith that he is leading you and I closer to one another every day.

I love you and I hope you have sweet dreams.

Your future wife,
Ashley

Dear Future Husband 6.13.16

Monday, June 13, 2016

Dear Future Husband,

Good afternoon sweet potato! I hope your Monday is wonderful and filled with favor. I hope it didn’t come too quickly after a well spent weekend. I hope you are sitting there pondering what our lives will be like when we are together and all of the memories we will make.  I’ve certainly been daydreaming about it lately. 

I had to really take a step back and realize how quickly I could find you. Every date we go on is a 50/50 chance that we could find one another. It’s a 50% chance that it will be our last first date and last first kiss. I don’t care about being your first because we are older and we have probably both seen our share of love and heartbreak but I care about being your last.  I care about being your happily ever after. I want you to be the end of my story and the beginning of OUR story. I care about the excitement of our ONCE UPON A TIME. I care about keeping the butterflies alive from the moment they bust out of those cocoons inside. 

I want to be your “whatever” and I want to laugh with you. I want to keep your gaze. I want to flirt with you at 6am. I want to throw your towel in the drier while you shower so you’re warm and toasty. I want to surprise you with a shirt I bought for you even if you hate the color. I want to anticipate how we would spend our money when we hit it big with the lottery. I want to make shadow box after shadow box after shadow box for every single road trip we ever take.

I want to reach over and hold your hand when we are driving. I want to iron your clothes just like you like them. I want to make you feel like the only man alive because in my eyes you’re the only man I see. I know you’re out there. I know my hand will fit perfectly inside of yours. I know there’s a spot on your chest where my head was just destined to nuzzle. I know there’s a place for us. I know there is a story to be told. I know that it will be the greatest love story I have ever read. Until then my love, to be continued

Please know in your heart as I have always done and will always continue to do …I pray for you. I pray that your days are full of blessing. I pray for your strength. I pray for your health. I pray for your joy. I pray for your success. I pray that you are surrounded by family and friends who love and support you. I pray that you moisturize your little elbows too! ;)

Your future Wife,

Ashley

Dear Future Husband 5.15.16

Dear future husband,

Good evening sweet potato! I hope all is well in your little corner of the world...wherever that may be. I hope it's safe to assume your corner of the world isn't in Alabama. If you're in Alabama then darlin I pray that you're the exception because my travels have taken me through places that make me consider the idea of controlled procreation. Honey I am all about football and having team spirit but those Alabama people take it to a whole other level.  If you are from Alabama then please stop looking for me at your family reunion because you'll never get to me at that pace. Bless it.

I almost died this morning. YES. ALMOST DIED. I was driving down the Natchez Trace headed to a local brunch spot and there was an attractive jogger which may or may not have been you...well anywho...I was distracted by his manliness and the way the sunshine glistened off of his sweaty shoulders and out of nowhere BAM a deer ran out in front of me. I looked up just in time to slam on my brakes and was inches from Bambi III's significant other. I was like WHOA DOE! Actually it was more of a scream and then I cried thinking that could've been the moment I died. If that was you jogging then I hope you took a pic of my tag and plan on tracking me down this week.

Speaking of death...babe...I need to get into better shape. If I were murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle. They would "throw dat ass in a circle"... ok I tickled myself on that one. For real though...I need to get with it. I was training for my first 5k and didn't go to it this weekend. Technically it was due to lack of funds but I definitely would've died had I gone. I always meet people when I go running...which is more like jogging..ok walking fast. The people I meet are usually paramedics or concerned neighbors asking why Im lying on the side of the road and warning me that  may be struck by a car. I do however think being struck by a car would be less painful than running and you can just take that to the bank and cash it!

Well I've tried to be proactive about finding you. I am happy and content with my life but I do put myself out there on a little dating site. Sweetheart I just don't know what to think about society anymore. There are those that are super pushy and overwhelming who make me run away because they chase me. There are those that seem to throw more shade than an oak tree. There are those who seem to just like the idea of dating but are too preoccupied with window shopping. THEN there are the ones you can't make up if you tried. For example there is the military vet who led me to believe he had been deployed and just getting home only to find out he was a rapist who had just gotten out of prison which ended his military career. That is always comforting to find out AFTER dinner. There is also the one who seems absolutely normal and perfect on paper until a day before the date and don't answer my phone for an hour because Im at lunch with a girlfriend and I get back to my car to find 5 texts and 4 missed calls. The last one was cancelling  date and using ugly words. Now what in the world am I supposed to do with options like that? Do you see what you've exposed me to?! Crazy does, cardio, sex offenders and psycho hot heads! Your punctuality problem is hardly a flaw after all of that!

As always I pray for your life and your heart daily. I pray that God blesses you and your family and that he guides you to be the man he wants you to be. I pray for your wisdom and discernment. I pray for your health and happiness. I pray for your walk with the Lord as he leads you so you may lead our family someday. I pray that you are surrounded with christian friends and family who uplift you and support you daily. Until I hold you in my arms I will continue to hold you in my heart.

Good night sweetheart!

Love,
Your future Wife
Ashley

#dearfuturehusband #loveletters #love #futurewife

Be Careful

She enchants you with her enigmatic waves of emotion

intriguing you with her indifference

The way she smiles and seemingly stares into your soul

You want to be the one who figures out exactly who she is

Your words fall short to impress her

and she playfully dismisses your charm

You catch a glimpse here and there of pain in her eyes

but just like that she distracts you with a battle of wits

You feel a desire growing within you to know what shes thinking

it quickly grows into a wildfire consuming all logic

She reads to you incerpts until you beg to know every chapter

She is the type of girl who needs space to breathe

She needs room to fly

When she feels contained she gets frightened

She has felt pain no one should endure

She has heard words that have destroyed her faith in love

She has seen things that haunt her dreams at night

You find yourself loathing the day you ever met her

She's disappeared like a brief rain on a summer day

You think of her from time to time and search for her

In time she may land again and you'll have so much to say

She may explain who she is and why her walls are high

She may warn you that she's no good for you

You'll be helpless to listen and mistake it for fear

Your expectations and pursuit will drive you insane

You can't have a heart like hers. You may only hold it for a while.

You'll grow to hate her but for what? She told you who she was

Your conquest broke your heart not she.

Until Then

Write hard and clear about what hurts - Ernest Hemingway

I have been back and forth trying to decide what to say and how to make this post a positive life lesson but the truth is I'm just posting tonight to purge some things from my mind.  I was speaking with a friend the other night about writing and he said he didn't want to write because it would just seem so negative and that would make people feel worse. I actually think it helps people to simply know they aren't alone in how they feel whether we have some positive motivation that follows or not. When we talk about how we feel sometimes we just need someone to listen. We don't necessarily need advice or encouragement. We just need to purge it so it doesn't poison us. I think that conversation happened for 2 reasons. I think he may have taken something from it and somehow I was going to need to take my own advice. I have been sparing so much because I have come so far that I didn't want anyone thinking that I was not strong. The truth is I'm very strong. I'm very aware that storms come and they go but I am always ok. I am better than ok. I am stronger after every storm that I endure. You need rain to grow just as much as you need sunshine.

With that being said I just need to vent some feelings. Before I do please understand that I am aware of hormones and just day to day blues we sometimes get. I know who I am and what I stand for but I am simply spilling what I'm feeling these days.

We have discussed before how men compartmentalize sex and women struggle with that. I am lonely. I can admit that. I have prospects and I could be married if I wanted to but I wont settle until it feels right. So I'm lonely simply because the right one hasn't come along yet. There are times it hits me hard because I want to feel the butterflies and I want to be kissed. I want to spend an entire weekend in bed making passionate love. Well I've met men who don't even try to get to know me. They aren't looking for a connection they're looking for a hookup and that frustrates me. Then there are those who pretend to want a connection but they always find a way to redirect the conversation to their real agenda. Again I get frustrated. There are men who I connect with and they're looking for friends with benefits and I just can't risk that. I know I will catch feelings if I do so I avoid it. I have gotten to the point of disgust with it all. I'm not seeking these things out they're just there.

I realized where frustration and anger lies. Its my peeve of selfishness. My needs right now are for real connections and intimacy. I'm lonely and I want to connect with genuine people. Here these men are with their hands out wanting to take and take and take from me but they're unwilling to give me what I need in return. I have what they want and they have what I want but they're selfish with their heart or their feelings. They just want me to meet their needs and move along. Those feelings of not being worthy or enough surface. I know better but scars run deep. Words are never forgotten. The pain of feeling that love is not even offered and if so its absolutely conditional and I simply don't meet those conditions. Men are not even thinking this much into it. Its simple for them. They want it and they ask. They are not responsible for how it makes me feel inside. It isn't their fault that I am broken. I am not angry at them for that. I just don't give myself away. They don't understand this.

What I struggle with is the idea of "what if". What if I just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow and things develop out of a casual friends with benefits situation? Well that would be great but then What if I fall hard and I'm left to get over it or walk away because I was told what it was in the beginning? When you've been through the pain I've endured and you've pulled it together then the risk is higher. You aren't so willing to gamble. I may be lonely but I'm ok. I'm not heartbroken. I just can't bring myself to allow someone to use me and hope that my needs of intimacy are met in return. I just have so much more self worth than that.

I think another factor to consider is that I'm an INFJ personality type. I'm one of the rare people. I can read people and situations extremely accurately. I know when people have other agendas. I know how to read conversations and how people steer them to bring up certain topics. I know how people feel by how they reply or pay attention. I pick up on the things they notice and tune into. All of these context clues tell me who they are where their intentions lie. Those that intrigue me and want to figure me out are the ones that captivate me. I'm very passionate and I feel things deeply. I may be snarky and sarcastic. My humor is inappropriate at times. I may even appear to be shallow but I am not. All it takes to get to the center of my soul is to be genuine and have a desire to travel there. I will know if you are or aren't. I may not have any fact or proof to base my intuitions on but they're accurate and if something doesn't feel right I don't wait around to uncover it. I walk away.

When I do meet someone genuine and they're interested in me as well then I get my hopes up because it's so rare that it happens. When it doesn't pan out then I'm rightfully disappointed. What I have experienced in this department is that I'm not the chosen one. Adults date until they find someone who they can't get enough of. More often than not men chose someone else and months later they recycle back around and tell me they made a mistake. I will never allow myself to be an option. I couldn't fall for someone knowing I wasn't good enough the first time. I don't want you to just settle for 2nd best. I know when a man's response time slows down. I can sense the distance. I know when there is doubt. I feel the sting of short and simple texts just to keep me around until he figures this thing out. I just remove myself.

So there it is. Selfishness and Ingenuity are plaguing my life. They're the road block to every relationship in my life. Those 2 things and just the understanding that I'm not everyone's cup of tea or shot of whiskey. It's just a moment of feeling the distance between myself and the love of my life. It's knowing that he's out there somewhere and I'm here needing him in my life but frog after frog clutter my path. I'm not man hating. I know men go through this as well. I'm just frustrated because I have needs that I can't meet. I have a void that I can't fill on my own. I'm independent and I'm self sufficient but I need love and I'm not ashamed to say that. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cry myself to sleep some nights because I want someone next to me. I'm not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve even if it looks like a coat of arms. I may be this spitfire brunette who has all the confidence in the world but I'm at a loss when it comes to this. Until then...

Dear Future Husband 2/23/16

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Dear Future Husband,

Good evening dollface. I am currently on a flight from Dallas to Jackson and I thought I would write to you. I spent the last few days at a business conference in Scottsdale, AZ. I had a Villa Suite at the Scottsdale Plaza Resort and I enjoyed the most amazing weather. I enjoyed drinks in the courtyard and had an amazing night on a ranch in La Puesta Del Sol. The landscape and the sky were absolutely breathtaking. As I travel I see different couples going on vacations together or returning home with their families. I wonder about your travels. I wonder if we have passed one another in a busy airport. I think about the vacations we will share in the future. I found myself studying the faces of those who walked by me or spoke to me. I met and networked with many people this week and I enjoyed laughter and intelligent conversations. I sometimes feel guilty that I’m not actively seeking you out but I have to remind myself that it’s not necessary. You’ll pursue me once we meet. When the time is right God will reveal us to one another. One of us may know before the other one does or it may be instantaneous. I think it will feel as though I traveled around the world the second that I lay eyes on you. You will be my forever vacation. You will be my getaway. You will be my amazing weather and drinks by the courtyard. You will be my everything. So tonight wherever you may be whether it be at home asleep in your bed or on a flight from somewhere out West headed down South...just know you are always in my thoughts and I pray for you daily. I pray for your health, your walk with the Lord, your success and your happiness. I pray for your family who supports you and that you are surrounded by Christian friends who are preparing you to be the leader of our home and the husband who will melt my very heart. 

Until then...I love you

Your future wife,

Ashley 

#DEARFUTUREHUSBAND #LOVELETTERS 

Dear Future Husband 1/26/2016

Dear future husband, 

Good evening sweet potato! I pray that you are well and staying warm wherever you may be. I was hoping for a little snow so I could dress up in Wings & a halo to go sledding down the hill near the overpass. Snow angels get their kicks too! So I took myself out this weekend because I said this year I'm going to get out more. I've sort of limited you to being the Central air/heat tech, Comcast tech, meter reader, pizza delivery guy or a Sunday morning grocery shopper. I'm

Pretty sure you weren't any of them although the fire department was in Kroger one morning and if you just so happened to be one of them then I'm certain we locked eyes. Of course by "locked eyes" I mean me staring until you caught me then awkwardly crashing my buggy into the rotisserie chicken display. I know what you were thinking too..."This graceful little good looking thing should be my girlfriend" then dispatch comes on and you're off to save some

Damsel in distress....or a 59year old white male complaining of chest pains, syncope, and blurred vision. Possible myocardial infarction. Wife says he's been this way all morning but fell getting in the car on the way to church (Not that I was even listening to a scanner to figure out where I would run into you again). All jokes aside babe you don't even have to be a fireman. I'm gonna adore you no matter what your occupation is. As long as there is an occupation. Jesus loves the unemployed. Yes HE does. Loves em as much as the employed people. I'm working on being more like Jesus so I met him half way and I love the employed. Ok ok I love all people but I used WWJD to know if Jesus would date someone who refuses to work and Jesus wouldn't so....there ya go. Well I'm sure you know Valentine's Day is coming up or what I like to refer to as Single awareness day which just happens to say "SAD". I just want you to know that you are my valentine whoever and wherever you may be in this world. I just sort of Hope you aren't taking some heifer out on a date that day because you think she might be me. I also hope you don't buy her fruit roll ups and flowers because she's not me. She doesn't deserve them. You'll see. I hope she isn't mean to you. Maybe just that she shaved her eyebrows off and drew them on or her hair smells like that really nasty odor you smell

On occasion driving through Grants Ferry/Castlewoods early in the morning or just at dusk. I just hope you feel that "meh it's just not her" feeling...I mean obviously you will

DUH! Well sugar, I'm about to call it a night but know I'm praying for you as always. May you be successful and productive this week at work. May you be highly

Favored and blessed beyond measure. May you be relieved of any sickness, stress, pain, and doubt you may be going through. I pray that you are surrounded with Christians friends and family who lift you up and encourage your walk with the Lord (He's trying to walk ya on down here to me if you'll

Pay attention). I love you and until we meet stay safe, keep the faith, and an abundance of joy! 

Love, 

Your future wife 

~Ashley~

#DearFutureHusband #LoveLetters