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Saturday, April 8, 2017

Our story came with an ending

Well here I am after all this time.  Here I am running back to these pages as words flow from my soul.  Here I am bleeding the emotions from the depth of my heart as if to purge the pain in the process.  I have nothing to write about when I am whole and happy.  You see this is my therapy.  The love I found was beautiful.  It exceeded all expectations of what I imagined a love story to be.  We made memories and shared moments that bring me nothing but a smile.  A smile that is quickly slaughtered by the reality of an ending.  Our love story had an ending.  The story had an ending.  The love.  Well that remains.

He hid his demons from me and while his change of mood should've have thrown up red flags he held on to me. He was depressed.  I thought I could love him through it and be there to push him as he sought treatment for it. He chose his pain over me.  He chose to let me go rather than fight for himself and fight for us.  I was not enough.  My worst fear came to life before my eyes and I had to let go of our love.  This man who told me we were forever lead me out to sea and left me to drown on my own.

I prayed for God to remove him from my life it it was not in his will and in spite of the pain I feel I trust in the Lord to know whats best.  I have moments though...God do I have moments.  In those moments the pain grabs me with such force that I am paralyzed with grief.  I reply the words, the moments, the promise in his eyes. I cry and I beg Jesus to take the pain and the memories away.  If it is in his will to remove him from my life then please remove the scar left behind.  Please remove the memories and the moments of what could have been.  Restore my heart and erase him from my mind.  I beg you Oh Lord! It was as if life dangled in front of me all that I had prayed for then ripped it away like a cruel joke.

I find myself angry that he withheld this information.  I feel as though he used me as a feel good drug to make himself better for a while. He knew that his life consisted of moments like this.  He knew how this would end up yet he took my love and continued to take and take and take until I wasn't enough.  Broken people break people. It is a selfish survival tactic and I learned the hard way. Looking back I see all of the signs.  Love had blinded me so. I thought I was so prepared.  Love was a battlefield and I was armed for war. As I lie here a casualty I can only praise God for his mercy. Im thankful this happened before I wasted years or found myself married in this situation.  I need love but I need it consistently. I need stable love. I need a man who loves the Lord more than himself and who is whole. I need a man who is equipped to lead us. I am willing to obey God in spite of how I feel. I am on a journey to becoming a modern day Ruth.  I understand that means triumph over pain and loss.  I understand that means loyalty and faith in God.

You see I set out writing this love story when the greatest love of my life is Jesus. Our story has already been written. He is all I need.  I am enough for him.  He loves me without fail and consistently pursues me.  Until a man loves me like he does then I will protect my heart. I used to think there was so much romance in fighting for love but Christ has taught me that love is given freely.  It isn't earned. I have tried to prove my worth by earning love and affection my entire life. Until I truly understood how Christ loves me I was unable to identify what love really was and most certainly what it is not. I praise him for his wisdom through these trials. I welcome the pain because without it I cannot grow.