Sunday, October 2, 2016
I haven't blogged in a while and I fully intend to start writing again. I think I have not taken the time to process things and really reflect on how I feel. I've been in a relationship since June and it feels like its been so much longer than just 4 months. So much has transpired but I have to share the current circumstances and the awareness of the growth I have experienced.
On June 1st I was anxious with a head full of doubt and a heart full of hope as I drove to meet this stranger I met online. Our conversations were great and we knew we needed to meet quickly because online dating can be so disappointing when you finally meet the person. There he was...the man who I would quickly fall in love with and I had no clue. I stepped out of my car and laid eyes on a man who would end up being so special to me. We clicked and we both felt it. For the first time in years my hope outweighed the doubts and I jumped head first.
Over the course of the last few months we have been great, We have gone on amazing road trips, romantic dates, shared evenings at home, and he has met my children and my family. We have had a couple minor tiffs but nothing major and it wouldn't even classify as a fight. I honestly give this man 100% because he deserves it and I appreciate that he treats me so very well.
This weekend we went to Atlanta so that he could meet my sister and go to a Braves game. We have been so excited about it. We laughed and enjoyed the trip down and the game as well as the visit with my family Friday night. We woke up Saturday morning and I felt this intuition that something wasn't right. I couldn't place my finger on it. I asked him if everything was ok and he hesitated. There it was...the pause that made my heart stop. I asked him what was wrong and I could tell he was struggling with telling me that he really didn't know that anything was wrong he just gets hot and cold. I didn't know what to say for a moment. My heart was breaking into a million pieces as I asked this man if he wasn't really feeling "US" and he paused and said he didn't know. I have written about indifference many times and it is extremely painful. I thought everything was perfect. I thought we were happy and this relationship was moving forward. He said it was hard to get a momentum going since I'm here with my boys and he is in Brandon. The thing is he has an open invitation to our lives and he is welcome here. I actually need for him to be more involved to make sure this is exactly what he wants in his life. I had no idea that he felt this way. I had a decision to make because clearly he wasn't going to make it.
One of my boundaries is that I will not maintain an unequal relationship. I give 100% and I expect the same. If someone isn't sure about whether or not they want to be with me that I absolutely don't want to continue the relationship. It isn't my place to convince someone to stay with me or love me. It isn't my place to prove I'm worthy because if someone cant see that for themselves then I don't mean to them what I should. I explained that and we headed home early. There we were exactly 4 months later on October 1st driving...and again I had a head full of doubt and a heart full of hope.
During the drive I was devastated and he began to explain what he meant. He said that the hot and cold is referring to his moods and affection. Sometimes he just gets distant. I feel that he just isn't sure but he isn't ready to call it quits yet and so he rephrased things. Ultimately there is still doubt there and my guard has gone back up. I decided to try since he is willing to try but this is against everything I stand for. I love this man with all of my heart and I want this to work but I refuse to be the only one trying.
We got home and things have been fine but its there...this thing that happened is there. I know it and I feel it. I am really doing some hard thinking right now. I know what I want and what I deserve and people can say anything but its their actions that matter. Its like the blinders of love have been taken off and now I see things for how they really are. I think back on things and I see patterns. I know relationships wont be perfect because people aren't perfect. I am full of grace and I am willing to work on this but its there in my heart pulling me hard. That indifference is torturing me. I refuse to be in a relationship where a man is just settling with me because he likes the way I make him feel. I wonder if I am just better than being alone for him. I wonder if he's bored with me and that's just who he is. He admitted he was hot and cold comparing me and our relationship to his stock market hobby.
I am not dating to just pass the time. I am dating to find the one. It isn't just my heart on the line but the heart of my boys as well and I need a man who is willing to step up and be that constant. I need someone who is just as emotionally healthy as I am and who knows exactly what they want and don't want. I need a man who wants communication as much as I do and who wants to be the leader of our home. I have to analyze this relationship and this man I am crazy about and determine is this healthy and is the potential there or am I wasting my time.
This love began in the summer and it has hit a decline as the fall approaches and I cant help but notice his love has changed with the seasons. Hot to cold. As we were driving yesterday I noticed the signs on the interstate directing drivers to merge left if they were headed to this area and merge right if headed to another city and stay straight to head to another. I realized that we have to find people who are enroute to the same destination we are headed. I know what I want in life and I have it programmed into my GPS. If he isn't on that same route then we may cross paths like we have but ultimately we will part ways when we hit that fork in the road. I have to know where he is headed and what he wants.
Right now my mind is all over the place and I have a lot of praying and soul searching to do. He may be completely indifferent as to whether I stay or go but I pray that if he REALLY wants this to work that he takes a look at this hot and cold thing and makes an effort to prove to me that he really wants us in is life. I no longer care about words. I am looking at how things will change. I pray that this man is the one that God has for me but if he isn't then there will be an amazing man out there who will love me unconditionally without fail and there will never be a night where my head hits the pillow that I wonder if he loves me. Everyone deserves that. Everyone deserves to feel like they are enough.
So that is where I am right now. I am in love and I'm hopeful but I'm prepared as well. I am not sad but I'm not happy. I'm just in a state of reflection at the moment. Its awful how we can fall from cloud 9 to reality in a split second and it changes the way things are. I can't give 100% and be the woman I was to a man who I am not sure is 100% about me. That could become poisonous because both people will begin to change and then things just aren't what they once were. I don't want that to happen to us. I cant stop thinking about the moments that brought us together and the sweet things that made my heart melt. He said we wouldn't ever stop being what we were in the beginning and I have tried to hold on to that. Sometimes I think my words have fallen on deaf ears. Now that my eyes have been opened only time will tell.