Monday, July 6, 2015
I've been wanting to write for a week now but I lie there and just let the thoughts swim. I watch them as if I'm in some giant aquarium distracted by others who are trying to see it too. My dating life is one of the aquatic attractions. It's something I've placed on reef to maybe revisit later. If I stumble upon love of course I know I can't deny it but it's something I've began to loathe. I don't loathe love but the conquest. I've written about becoming jaded and I've thought it was impossible. I don't even know if I would call it jaded. I think I would identify more with the idea of contentment. I know that I'm ok alone. When I am alone I don't have to stress over what I'm wearing or what I'm saying. I don't have to consider another person's thoughts of what I want to watch or eat. I don't have to engage in conversations when I don't feel like it. I don't have to be pleasant or inviting. I can simply just be still. I think this is something I've needed to do for quite a while. There is such tranquility in the word. STILL. Just be still. I've ran for so long just diving head first into anything and everything to experience life for all it is. I wanted to know and feel every emotion possible. I wanted to learn life lesson after life lesson as if pain were rain and I were a thirsty field. The problem with this is that I didn't know how or if I were damaging myself. I knew somethings left scars but again that's life. That's a lesson learned right? I regret nothing though. I am so raw. I know with every fabrication of my existence that I live in hearts and minds. I know that some think of me daily. I know that some wish they'd never met me. I know that some smile when they hear my name. I know that some ache inside when my face comes to mind. I also know that I am forgettable. I know that I am dismiss-able. I know that I am not enough to some while I may be everything to others. I still struggle deeply with the fear of not being enough. I still shutter at the thought of indifference. That is one of the most painful thoughts. It is my kryptonite. I long to be enough. There is a sadness in this truth. The bittersweet truth is that I am more than enough for some and I have walked away from them because of something I can't define let alone explain. I simply knew that I couldn't love them the way they love me. How could this be? I've tried.. I've let them love me until I couldn't stand them any longer. It only pushes me further away. It has brought me here. I don't even know where here is. I've never felt so numb to it all before. It isn't a sadness. It isn't something I want to change. It isn't an ailment that requires attention. It is my place. I am still. I just want to enjoy the stillness. I have fallen apart. I have pulled it together. I have been broken. I have been happy. I just want to be still. Maybe I've finally had enough disappointment. Maybe I know the pain all too well. Maybe the memories haunt me. Maybe I'm one touch away from breaking down. All I know is I am somewhere in between where I've been and where I'm destined to be. I'm resting here for a while. Whether I'm waiting for the past to catch up or regain strength needed for the future God only knows.