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Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Painful Smiles

I suppose some of you wonder what became of my prince charming and the simple answer is NOTHING.  We tried several times yet I don’t sincerely understand what all he was going through mentally. Timing caught us or maybe it was deceit all along. I don’t know nor do I have to. It boils down to my boundaries. The most profound in this circumstance is “I will not maintain an unequal relationship”. 

I can’t lie and pretend to be 100%. I am broken inside. I am full of pain and I cry daily for a moment but then I am ok until I cry again. The truth is that I know I am ok and this will pass. The hurt is expected but it isn’t forever. It hurts to feel such happiness only to have it ripped away from you. I smile every time I think of the time we spent together and the conversations we had. I could never hate something that once made me smile. I can never hate him for hurting me. I am thankful for the brief time he reminded me of what it feels like to fall. He is proof that everything I am looking for exists. He was everything.  Adele said it in her song “Never mind I will find someone like you and I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me I pray and I remembered you said Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead”.

I tried to numb the pain with wine and Netflix. I tried to go out and stay up all night looking for someone who would distract me from the sting inside of my chest. I tried to stay busy and workout. Somethings just demand to be felt.  In this case he just may be the wine stain on white pants. The fossil in a rock. The weathered boards of an old pier. The faded color of a beach umbrella. He has left his mark on me and I will never be quite the same.  I once had my heart broken by a man and he apologized later. He expected me to welcome him with open arms. I asked him to write “I’m sorry” on a sheet of paper then run it through the shredder in his office. He said the words but the paper will never be the same.

All of this will pass and I will find someone new one day. I will feel giddy again and think this time is finally the right time. It may or may not be true but the most important thing is that I refuse to give up. I refuse to allow myself to become so gun-shy that I never give love another chance. For now I will just smile and fake it until I make it. We all cope in different ways. I am a woman who knows how to smile through her pain.