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Friday, March 6, 2015

Time for stepping back

After writing my post about praying for this man and being there for him I battled with this pain in my heart of needing him. It was such a conflict of what I feel is selfishness on my part and selflessness. I want to be there for him but at the same time I don’t want to be a fool. I feel like it would be emotionally unhealthy. He did lead me on. He did make me think that this was going somewhere. He did look me in my eye and even now he says he meant everything. I asked him the important question. I asked if he had been or is talking or seeing other women. He said yes. HE. SAID. YES. There you have it. I give 100% and I can handle emotions and stress. I can handle anything a man may be running from but I refuse to give 100% to someone who is spreading himself thin to keep from emotionally investing in one person. That isn’t fair. Yes my heart breaks but deep down I felt it and didn’t want to face it. As I said before I don’t know why he was sent into my life but this doesn’t mean I will discontinue praying for him or caring. I will simply remove myself as one of his options and pray from a safe distance. I do have to keep myself in a healthy place emotionally. Timing sucks in life sometimes and I don’t blame him. He doesn’t know what he wants or needs right now and until he does he can’t offer me the stable healthy relationship I am seeking. Who knows? Maybe down the road we reconvene but for now I won’t put my life on hold for someone who is exploring other options as well.  So there you have it. Classic example of me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I love hard and I get hurt but I’m alive. I am breathing. I may be barely breathing at the moment as I fight the tears back at my desk but I am breathing. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. There will be a life lesson to be learned from this I know and maybe it isn’t my lesson to learn. Maybe I was to plant a seed inside of him that will grow into something later. As long as I keep the faith that God is using me then nothing is in vain. I am tired and sometimes my strength doesn’t show but again I won’t give up on love.  It is the greatest thing ever. 

To be continued…