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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My Beloved


Tonight my heart blogs. Tonight it is not the voice of reason that I am giving to you. It is simply the contradicting, flawed, restless, woman inside who just needs to speak. I have all these standards, boundaries, and rules that I require myself to abide by but sometimes I want to throw caution to the wind and take chances. Sometimes I want to be the girl who isn't afraid. I don't want to say that I'm jaded but am I? Has life burned me so that I'm playing it safe now? The passionate heart that I have cannot find what it longs for by staying on the sidewalk yet I am so afraid of repeating mistakes that I keep her there.

I am so afraid to risk my heart that I make it seem impossible that anyone could ever truly obtain it. I intimidate men when really I just want someone to see that I only want to trade it with someone who's going to hold on to it forever. I want to know that even when I'm difficult and hard to love that he will never stop. I want to know that he will choose me daily. I want to know that I never have to fear his words or his touch in anger. I want to know that when he hears my name it isn't Ashley but home that resonates in his mind. I want to know when he sees my face that he falls in love all over again day after day. I want to know that I will always get to him with just a look from across the room. I want to study his movements and the way he walks. I want to hear his voice and seek his face as effortlessly as a reflex. I want to know that his arms are the place I can hide from the world. I want to know that when he is near nothing or no one can hurt me. I want to close my eyes and feel how small my hands are against his as we dance in the kitchen to music we can only hear in our hearts yet we both know the melody.

When I sit beneath the running water in the shower crying because I just need to let go I wonder if you feel me somehow. I wonder as I hug my knees close to me and let the drain carry my tears away do you somehow feel this sadness that you can't explain. I wonder sometimes if my unexplained blues are connected to you feeling the exact way. I know that as soon as I post this I will walk back to my bedroom and climb in bed and close my eyes but I wont fall asleep right away. I will think of you and where you are right now. One day I will look in your eyes and you will read these words and know that I was thinking of you all this time. I was praying for you daily. I was asking God to watch over you and bless you with favor and grace as I will always extend to you. As you walk through this life maybe you aren't looking for me yet. Maybe you're happy being alone right now. Maybe that is why we haven't met. Maybe we have met and one or the other simply was not ready at the time. Maybe we know each other but neither one of us has even considered the other as a possibility.

No matter where you are or what you are doing just know that we will know when the time is right. Until then I will continue to live my life with expectancy of your arrival.