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Saturday, August 9, 2014

Guarding My Heart

Well I would love to post about how I'm enjoying the companionship of my boyfriend and how wonderful things are going but I can't. I let it go. I'm not happy about it. To be quite honest I'm hurt. The thing is I loved that elation and the things he told me. He was everything I was looking for but when he got distant then it left me wondering what I did wrong or what he didn't see in me. He says he only wanted to slow down and when he cancelled this weekend for family plans then I just deflated. I know things happen but with everything else it just made my heart sink. I feel like if I was what I should be to him then he wouldn't want to slow things down. He would just take a chance because his heart just couldn't stand being away from me. I want that kind of love. I want to be enough. I want to be worth the effort. I want to be worth the risk.

I know who I am and what I can offer to someone. I've met men who feel the same way but I just wasn't feeling it and although I knew they would be amazing men to me I just couldn't so I backed off. I relate to this situation the same way. I can't help but think its the same circumstances. Maybe I'm jaded but I have boundaries. I will say it again I CONTROL HOW PEOPLE TREAT ME AND HOW I FEEL BY WHAT I ALLOW AND DISALLOW. He may have whatever reason for backing off but it made me feel sad and I have to think about my happiness as well. I spent over 10 years sacrificing my happiness to meet the needs of someone who could care less about mine and I will never make that mistake again.

I have moments where I just break down and cry because I thought maybe I would finally have someone to call mine and enjoy a relationship.  I like him and those feelings don't just go away. I realize though that I have come so far emotionally. I recognize how I should be treated and how things should be handled and if they aren't then that won't change. If I tell someone how they make me feel and they don't change then they don't care or they simply aren't capable of being what I need. I can stick around if I'm willing to sacrifice but if my needs aren't met then why prolong the inevitable? Love...especially in the beginning should be euphoric and exciting and hopeful. It shouldn't make you have anxiety and fear that it could slip away at anytime. That person should always make you feel secure about how they feel about you and your place in their life. You should never fight for a place in someone's life. If they want you there you will be.

I can't lie. I keep hoping he will realize what he had and tell me that I'm enough for him but is it him or just love in general? I would rather hold out for the love I need and deserve than settle for less.  Obviously I'm not everything he's been looking for or he wouldn't let me go...therefore he can't be what I've been looking for because he isn't willing to fight for me and try. He says I'm the one who gave up and maybe I did but he made me feel so special then just made me feel like damaged goods that he has to consider. I'm not perfect. I am who I am but I will be perfect for the right person. I know to judge people by their actions and not their words. I know to keep my guard up until I really know who a person is but I slipped this time. I took a chance and love knocked me down. I don't regret it. I felt amazing for a while. You don't grow by just having takes rain too. I've learned something from this situation. I've learned that I'm stronger than I realized. I also learned that there are men out there with the qualities I'm seeking. I just have wait for the one who's seeking the qualities I possess. He will love me in spite of my imperfections and he will prove to me that I am enough and I am worth it.