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Sunday, May 18, 2014

Your opinion doesn't define Me

So I haven't written in a while. I'm not sure why. I thought about it every day and maybe part of me didn't want to stop and ponder life for a while. I've been getting to know people and going on awkward first dates that amount to nothing. I typically find some reason why they just aren't quite right for me. I've encountered a bitter and abusive man who felt the need to break me down with his personal analogy of me and why I am alone. He based all of this of the general conversations we have had about life. These conversations were more like debates actually. Well he caught me in a rare moment of weakness with a cruel text and just broke me down for a moment. I was beside myself. I quickly jumped on the "victim bus" and drove it to town! For a second there I seemed to lose who I had worked so hard to find again in myself. It rocked me but I regained my composure and decided that he and I could no longer be "chat buddies" because he is poison. Maybe it was a little masochist in me cheering to keep him around but I shut her down too!  I will only keep positive people in my life for this very reason. I will say it again....You are in control of how others treat you by what you allow, disallow and reinforce!

I can honestly admit that I'm discouraged with the whole dating scene lately. People say just relax when the right one comes along you will know. I sort of want to kick them in the shin and say "I KNOW" but I just smile and nod. The reason is I'm not searching. I'm on social media sites so men are constantly reaching out to me and I reply to the ones who seem interesting. If there is a mutual interest after some conversation then we agree to meet. I may blog about my love life and my conquest of finding "The One" but believe me when I say it isn't top priority. I work and I take care of my sweet boys. I have friends that are involved in my life and I have extended family that I talk to and visit. The options are there for dating and I explore some of them but there are so many that you don't hear about simply because I choose not to pursue it.

Now don't get me wrong I feel no requirement to explain myself or my life to anyone but because I blog and my blog has been focused on this area of my life I feel an obligation to shed light on this fact. The truth is that right now I'm exhausted with the exchange of pleasantries, getting to know someone and then watching it fail due to incompatibility,they simply just disappear, or cross a boundary and force me to walk away. Of course I want someone in my life but I don't just want anyone. I want the right one. If I risk my heart in the process so be it. If you think that is foolish then so be it. You live your life and I will live mine. I may get hurt but I'm not afraid to put myself out there. After all that has been done I still risk it because I know that it doesn't kill me. I gain a little wisdom each time my heart breaks and in the process I experience intrigue, hope, excitement, and infatuation. You don't have to understand me but if you find yourself so enthralled with my gumption that you refer to as stupidity just remember that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. I may be rejected from time to time too but I would rather be rejected than accepted for the wrong reasons. You may be safe in your little bubble and you may say that love is not important in your life but not once did I judge you for that. I do however feel sorry for you if LOVE is not the most important thing in your life. Regardless of its nature LOVE is the most important thing in this world.

One doesn't fail until one gives up trying.