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Saturday, March 22, 2014

Don't give up on me

So after more than a few sleepless nights I, along with a glass of Rose' have decided to write. Well it's no surprise that I wear my heart on my sleeve. We all know that I fall easily once I meet someone possessing the qualities I seek in a partner. I give it all I am. It's who I am. I am the love I want to be in. I only want to feel the same things I extend. You see I've come to realize that we expect the same things from another that we ourselves are willing to offer so if expectations are our disappointments then I'm in a storm of endless pain. I say this because I would willingly give anything for someone I care about but I have yet to meet anyone as selfless as I am on an emotional level. 

This post is the aftermath of my blog post on March 8, 2014 "NEW FLAME". I really thought that this time would be different. After all there was the foundation of friendship established first. There was just a feeling of safety this time. I'm no stranger to long distance relationships. I don't mind them. I believe in quality over convenience. Apparently though he is not a fan of long distance relationships. He decided to opt out because I'm a little over 2 hours away. So there I was picking up pieces of my heart off the floor once again. I have nothing negative to say about this man. He was honest with me and I have to respect that.

I think what honestly hurts the most is that I was so willing to work at it. I was willing to put forth the effort and even let him know that if things progress that I was willing to move. So I naturally lie awake over analyzing the situation thinking to myself maybe he just wasn't feeling it and that was his out. I could come up with many reasons but the fact of the matter is I wasn't enough. I wasn't worth the effort. He didn't care enough to give this a chance. No matter what the reason is that made me inadequate of his affection the simple truth is he didn't feel the same way I did. He gave up on me. He walked away from me. I did everything I could do and it wasn't enough. I cant fault myself for anything in this situation other than not seeing the warning signs ahead of time. All I could see were the qualities he possessed and how they exceeded my standards.

I was so busy wanting him to want me that I didn't take a step back and really look at who he was. He claimed to be closed off from emotion and feeling but I remember him showing me the words he had written for the girl he was in love with. They were very heartfelt and emotional. Still I overlooked that excusing it with the fact that we were just now trying to see where we want this thing to go. On this same issue I know that I like to be adored and told sweet things but he never did this. I was so smothered by all the fake cliche lines and posed affection by creeps in the dating scene that I actually enjoyed the normality of my relationship with him. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is indifferent about me. So had I opened my eyes and accepted these signs that clearly break my #2 dating rule (I will not maintain an unequal relationship) then I would've kept this in the friend zone where it should clearly have remained. I care for him. I enjoy the conversations I share with him. Do I regret any of this? NO. I always say that I jump because I never want to grow old looking back on anything and wondering "What if?". I can easily revert back to a friendship with this man because I am emotionally mature. I have come so far from even last year when I would've cried for weeks and tossed my dignity to the curb and showed a roller coaster of emotion.

Well before I actually drove down to meet him I was getting messages on this social media site from men that I was clearly ignoring because my heart was set. There was one who had a pic with his little boy playing t-ball. As a mother I thought it was cute so I told him it was an adorable pic. He asked what I was doing. I didn't check my messages often so I replied after I was home from my trip. I told him what I had just done and he too is from the coast. He oddly asked me who the guy's name was. Sure enough they were friends. We laughed it off and I told him I would play matchmaker and introduce him to my best friend. Well they didn't quite hit it off but no biggie. He seemed like a good quality guy as well so that only ensured me that the man I was into was accompanied by great people as well. After things went south his friend and I discussed the situation and he lended an ear as a friend. I really appreciated that.

Clearly there was an initial attraction between the 2 of us and the only reason we didn't chat further was because I was seeing where things went between my fireman and I. His friend had integrity and didn't pursue me at all while we were talking. Now however the circumstances have changed and we are left with the question of whether its OK or not. Its an odd situation. Fireman made the decision to walk away. We weren't dating. He decided to let me go. However I understand "Bro Code" so I said just make sure there wont be any issues there and I'm willing to get to know you and see where this goes. We are just chatting and getting to know one another at the moment and he seems nice. HE doesn't mind the distance. HE knows what he's looking for and he has no reservations about complimenting me and trying to relate to me and determine compatibility.

You know its funny how timing works and how everything happens for a reason. This may not turn out to be anything but a dead end but there's a reason we met. I can't lie when I say that my heart still stings a little bit wishing things could have worked out between my fireman and I. I prayed and asked God to show me who he was and what this was and that is when he let me down. I pray for God's will to be done in my life no matter the pain I have to go through to get there. Lessons are learned through struggles and strength is achieved through endurance. Who knows what's ahead for me in my love life? All I know is that I will continue to dust myself off and get right back on the saddle because I will never get to my destination if I stop moving.

Stay tuned...