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Monday, March 17, 2014

10 years of Misery

I was told at some point I need to face the things in my life that have caused me pain. I don't want to face them alone so I will take you with me as I recap. Instead of starting with the beginning I will just pick at random. I'm going to talk about my marriage to my ex husband Marc.

We met Thanksgiving night 2003 at a bar. My best friend Morgan had come into town to take me out after I had been sitting at home with my 11mos old son. We went to the bar to watch the egg bowl and have some drinks. I looked up and there was this intoxicated man who grabbed Morgan to dance and she quickly spun him around to me. We ended up chatting at the bar the rest of the night about likes/dislikes. We gave him a ride home and shared a kiss. Well to me he was the most handsome thing ever and I had never been with a man who treated me well so I didn't know what I should accept or not all I knew was I would stop at nothing to win him over. I pursued him and he wasn't very attentive. To be honest he seemed to use me more as an option.

Over the course of 6 months we became exclusive. It was a toxic relationship from the beginning. I had to pretty much babysit him because he was an alcoholic. He would talk so ugly to me but I made excuses for him. He adored Trent. He was really good to him and his family just took up with him as well. He would never show me affection and looking back I don't understand why I accepted it. He would even deny me to his friends and say ugly things behind my back.  I accepted it all until one night he was being ugly and broke up with me just so he could go out and do what he wanted to do. His father pulled me aside and said show him tough love. Let him go and he will come back. I did. This was about 3 years into the relationship. That night he was arrested on DUI charges and sent to prison for 3rd offense DUI. I had been praying and asking God to please help me. I asked that things get better or for him to give me a sign and the strength to walk away. I saw this as my sign.

 I moved on and tried to date a little and enjoyed being single for a while. After a year he was released from prison and he reached out to me and told me that he has decided to remain sober and he strengthened his walk with the Lord while incarcerated. I had lost my obsession with him but I was single and he loved Trent and so did his family. I started thinking maybe this was Gods plan all along to "make things better".  I took it as a sign. Well we discussed getting married shortly after this and we knew that if we wanted children I would need to give my body a break from the birth control I had been on. It takes women a while after long term use of depo to get pregnant. NOT ME! I got pregnant the next month.  Well his father hated me for "abandoning" his son when he needed me the most ...even though he was the one who told me to do so. So we decided to elope in Gulfshores because he was afraid to tell his father. We took Trent and we tied the knot September 5, 2007. Marcus Allen Helms II was born December 27, 2007.

Once our son was born it was like a light switch went off and Marc became the most negative and bitter person I had ever met. He seems to be angry all of the time and I didn't know why. He still never showed affection. He never told me he loved me. He never kissed me. He was very abusive verbally and emotionally to me. He knew he could hurt me further by taking things out on Trenton. Most of our arguments stemmed from this. He spanked him with a belt so hard once he left bruises and I was livid. We lived in the same neighborhood as his father so he would call him over to participate in arguments. They would team up and say hateful things and henpeck me until I would break. It was like entertainment for them. I kept praying and studying the word and going to church. I thought that divorce was saying I didn't have the faith that God could heal my marriage and my husband. I tried to find ways where I could improve and try to make things better.

We would separate and get back together and things may seem ok for about a week but eventually we were both so miserable it was showing physically. Trenton felt like he was walking on eggshells and so did I. I knew that as a mother is was my responsibility to protect my child. My parents began to loathe Marc because he was selfish with his finances and I would have to pay the majority of the bills so he could entertain his bass fishing hobby. The things Marc would say to me to hurt me was beyond comprehension. He would tell me that no one would love me and that not even my parents wanted me. He told me my father had a drug addiction because he had such a POS for a daughter. As I would cry he would get in my face and mock me and push his finger into my head. I would sometimes hide in my closet and cry there so he didn't know. I didn't want to go home everyday. I would find reasons to be away from home as much as possible.

Depression began to form but at the time I didn't realize it was depression. I only wanted to sleep when I was home. I thought it was my body's way of avoiding the abuse. If he wasn't abusing me it was silence and tension. Marc fell off the wagon and started drinking again and that is when started toying with physical abuse mainly shoving or not letting me walk away. There are more details and stories than I can possibly share on here. It could be a blog of its own to be honest. Eventually I realized that I had to make a decision and just face the wrath of God if it was the wrong decision. I hated giving up and walking away from my marriage. I felt like I was telling God he wasn't capable of healing it. I knew as a parent my children deserve a happy home and it was my responsibility to provide that. When Marc was arrested for drinking and driving with the boys and went to jail I knew then that I had to leave. So once he was back home I told him to move out. He begged and told me that it was probably just a phase I was going through and I would be back in a few weeks but I knew it was over for real.

 He left and I honestly feel like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders that day. It took me a while to really heal my self esteem from his abuse but I did. I had a friend assure me that divorce wasn't my original sin it was simply a consequence of marrying the wrong man. I may have gone through 10 years of emotional abuse at the hands of this man but he taught me something. He taught me how to reach inside of myself and muster up strength I didn't know I had to shield myself from such pain. He also showed me that I settled. I stayed because I wasn't aware of my worth. He showed me how I never want to be treated again. He didn't win. He will live with his misery and regret. He will know that his bitterness and negativity was passed down by his father and it cost him his family. I broke the cycle and I will raise his son in a happy home. My conquest is to marry a wonderful spiritual leader of our home who will be a positive example to these 2 boys. They will see what a marriage and family should really be. It is better that that come from a broken home than live in one. It is better for all of us.