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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Another bump in the road: I'm still ok

I'm really happy these days. I made a choice to be happy in spite of things. I was laid off from my job and that terrified me. I was devastated and wondering how I would take care of my children. I allowed myself to cry for a moment but I picked myself up and realized that God provides. He often takes something away to free our hands to receive something better. I was driving down Hwy 25 the next day after picking up a few groceries and I just praised God for who he was. I smiled as I looked around me and realized that life is beautiful. Every time I have felt hopeless I have been OK. Hope is never lost it is only misplaced and misguided. If you put your hope in the Lord he will never fail you. Knowing this means you are never hopeless but you are always hopeful. Hope is what keeps me going. Hope has fueled my conquest for love. Hope has given me the strength to face day after day. I live my life with expectancy now. I live my life knowing that I am blessed and I expect favor each day. It's exciting to wake up with this in your heart. God has provided a way for me and I can be home at the same time. You see bad things will always happen in life but we must focus on the reasons to be happy and smile. Your happiness is based on perception. There will always be bad and there will always be good. Whatever you choose to dwell on so be it.

 I met a man online a while back and we chatted as friends for a long time. We just joked around and called each other names. It was carefree and we had no expectations. As time went on he shared with me that he was developing feelings. We started talking on the phone and he said his feelings were getting stronger. Up until this point I had not entertained the thought and I had a wall up even after he shared with me. This was a man who wasn't very emotive. He suffered with PTSD and TBI something that isn't foreign to me. I allowed him to be himself as I would anyone. He found comfort in that and shared things with me. He started making plans about our future and wanted to find a home together when he retired from the Army this August. I dropped my guard and realized this man was serious. He spoke to my children and really just convinced me he wanted to be my forever. I was praying one morning for clarity and asking God to really show me who this man was and within an hour I got a text from his wife who was distraught that he was cheating. I was so hurt that I allowed this to happen to me again. He was so convincing. I walked away but he reached out and told me he couldn't tell her he wanted a divorce until retirement and once he retired he was leaving and meant every word he said to me. Maybe you read my post about my hard rules but the #1 rule is lying to me. He lacks integrity in spite of the circumstances this cannot work. I could dwell on the fact that I have been deceived by men and led on so many times its unfathomable or I can realize that it happened and move on just as I have done in the past. Sometimes quickly and sometimes life seemed to drag me kicking and screaming until I realized what was going on. 

When things like this happen to me now it doesn't tear my world apart because it's only an addition to my life. I'm complete. I'm whole. I am a grown woman who knows what she wants in life. Whether is love or a job or anything people come into your life for a reason. It may be forever or it may be a season. You have to love yourself before you can be successful in any relationship. You control how others treat you by what you allow. You also control how you feel by where you place your focus. I have people tell me I'm a strong woman because of all the heartache I've endured yet I keep on moving. This is how I do it. I may shed tears and I may have moments of weakness where I throw a pity party for one! I may scream and shout and reflect on the things that have been done to me but at the end of the day I am wiser because of it. I'm ok and I will always be ok.