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Saturday, August 3, 2013

Hindsight


I guess the saying "when it rains it pours" is true. It seems like everything hit me all at once and I'm left with browsing through options to figure out who is right for me and who isn't. In the midst of this chaos I let a good man walk away. I tried to recover the situation but the damage is done now. I tainted it. It hurts when I think about him. It hurts because I'm left wondering if I let "the one" walk out of my life because I was afraid. I can only trust that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can fathom. What I fear and what I think are nothing. He is all knowing and I can't stress and worry over the "would've-could've-should've". I've spent countless nights lying awake analyzing my life and the way things are going. I've shed tear after tear into my pillow. I've held my own face in my hands and just wept because hindsight for me has been painful. Its hard to reflect on the things I've been through. I can't change my past. I can't undo the things that were done to me. I also can't forget. The only option is to change my perspective of the situation. I can dwell on what was done or I can dwell on the fact that I'm OK. I'm here and I survived it all. I may have scars but I'm alive and there is still fight left in me. My past could be a symbol of pain or it could be a symbol of strength. I'm going to fall down. I'm going to crawl. I'm going to have nights where the tears flow endlessly. I'm aware that I will struggle emotionally with everything but ultimately my tears will dry and I will stand up and face the next day with gumption and knowledge.