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Friday, August 23, 2013

Fear of Risk

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” - Charlotte Bronte

So it's been a while since I've written. I've had moments of inspiration but mostly writer's block. Its apparent that things have to build up in order for the emotions to harvest my words. I seem to have reached a peaceful state of mind lately. When I started this journey of finding myself again and "The One" I was inspired and full of hope. As I read back on these blogs I can see the torment it is has caused me. It has been beautiful and painful. I am truly living my life as hard as that may be. The thing that grips me is the fear and anxiety I'm beginning to feel when people try to get close to me. I go in to this panic mode. I'm also realizing that I have major walls up now. I will allow people to read my blog to get to know me but ultimately I'm not falling like I used to. I'm very cautious. I find reasons to walk away rather than focusing on reasons to stay and risk it. There's that word. RISK. I thought I was jaded before but I was just hurt. Jaded and bitterness has finally crept in. Its disabling me slowly. I asked "him" once to teach me how to detach. He told me I didn't want to take that road. At the time it was impossible anyway. To detach is to not feel. In order to not feel you must kill your emotions. In order to kill something you simply stop feeding it. You become stagnant.  I realized this can happen whether I want it to or not if I don't change something. If I don't start taking chances. I'm so afraid of making the mistake of believing in something that isn't real again. I'm so afraid of falling and hitting the ground again. I was so low for so very long. I spent years in a relationship crying myself to sleep at night. I would find a place and hide. It was the closet a lot of times and I would lie there and cry quietly. I don't know what I couldn't seem to cry in the open. His words still haunt me. The feeling of never being "enough" still haunts me. I've been used and abused but I'm alive. Dating only triggers things deep within me that still hurt. I gave 100% of myself to people who didn't deserve me. I'm angry about that. I'm slowly healing. I see that. I never thought I'd see the day I'd be over some of the things I thought were so awful. They pass but the heart remembers. Pain goes away but the aftermath is fear. Fear keeps us from risking again. We fear risk. We fear it until we find something worth the risk. We fear until we see something in someone that we need. That is where I am right now. I'm figuring this thing out. I'm learning my emotions and how the affect my decisions. I could be letting amazing men walk out of my life right now but I just haven't felt what I waiting to feel. I have felt it though. This may be why I don't trust myself anymore. If I don't protect my heart who will?